Weigh Funny JOW #1341

It is safe to say that many of us are at least a little overweight.  There is a lot of interest in a wide variety of plans and techniques to help us slim down.  Here are some jokes about that effort.

 

My doctor said I was overweight and asked me if I'd ever even attempted a push-up.

I said, "Hey doc, I know I'm out of shape but suggesting that I wear a bra is just insulting."

 

I unfriended an overweight friend on Snapchat.

My phone gained a gigabyte of storage back.

 

What do you call an overweight cross-dresser?

Trans fat.

 

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

 

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee.

He didn't work out

 

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

 

I told my priest I was being haunted by an overweight ghost.

He said I needed to exorcise more.

Smoking promotes weight loss…..eventually

 

Thank you weight loss surgeons

What you do takes guts.

 

Homeopathy weight loss tip:
Drink diluted water.

 

I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

 

An overweight man listened with interest to a surgeon who promised that his operation would make him lose a lot of weight.

 The man, interested, said to the surgeon. “Please, enlighten me”

 

If you find a snakeskin, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger

Same thing if you find my clothes at Goodwill

 

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”

 

They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

 

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

 

A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

 

My doctor told me I'm overweight,

I said, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "OK, you're ugly too!"

 

I was in a hotel the other week and the phone next to my bed rang - they said “Hi, it’s reception - it’s 7am and you’re quite overweight for your age”.

I’ll tell you, it was a wake-up call.

 

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

 

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

 

New name for weight loss pills

Pills of mass destruction!

 

A woman too fat so they sent her to a weight loss camp....

A man had ADHD, so they're sent him to a concentration camp

 

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight

These, of course, are only round figures

 

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to snack if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

 

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

 

Newspaper ad:

Needed: identical twin sisters with large difference in weight, for advertising a weight loss program.

 

What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller

 

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

 

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

 

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"
"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

 

A doctor saw an obese woman to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively said, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replied, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

 

Around 40 years ago, I lost 160 pounds in one day.
Yea, I divorced her

 

An overweight time traveler goes to ancient Rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. To fix his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk:
Time traveler: Do you have XL togas?
Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?

 

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

And finally

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'
"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"