Auto JOW #1348

 I tend to remember jokes by subject. This is why I try to have a theme for my jokes of the week.  For no particular reason I picked cars as my theme.  Here are about a thousand words of jokes generally connected to automobiles.

 

Teslas now come with a unique “new car” smell. They call it “Elon Musk.”

 

With the rise in self-driving cars,
It is only a matter of time until there is a country song were a guy’s truck leaves him.

 

Some silly car riddles

Why don't women in Arabic countries need car insurance

because they are already covered

 

What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?

Automobile.

 

What happens when you get hit by a rental car?
It Hertz.

 

What do you call a Spanish man who has lost his car?

Carlos.

 

Did you hear about the car they invented that moves only when the driver is silent?
It goes without saying.

 

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together?

Carpet.

 

What do you get when you mix a fly, a car, and a pet?
A flying carpet.

 

What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household pet?

A very upset child.

 

What happens when Kermit the Frog’s car breaks down? 

It gets toad.

 

What kind of vehicle does a chicken drive? 

A coop

 

What do you call a used car salesman?

A car-deal-ologis

 

What kind of car does a shepherd like to drive?

A Lamborghini.

 

What kind of cars do people in Norway drive?

Fjords.

 

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?

The Old Volks home.

 

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

An Uber. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

 

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

 

What do you call it when only one digit can steer your car?

A thumb drive.

 

What type of pants do you need to start a car?
Cargo pants.

 

What's the difference between a condom and a car?

There's a big market for used cars.

 

What brand of car avoids accidents the best?
Dodge.

And the one who has the most accidents.

The Ram.

If Dodge made an electric car...would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

~~~~

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

 

If you run beside a car you’ll get tired.
But if you run behind the car you’ll get exhausted.

 

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching…to reverse and leaving the scene of the crash

 

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

 

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

 

My friends convinced me I was too drunk to drive my car and to take the bus instead.  Turned out I was too drunk to drive that, too.

 

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

 

Cop: I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane.

Gangster: Oh, yeah?  Just look in my trunk.

 

A woman crashed car again. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes when he is sitting in his own living room.

 

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

 

A man drove his expensive car into a tree…And found out how the Mercedes bends.

 

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.

 

Wife “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Husband: Sure.
[BANG]

Husband: it’s 4 35 pm.

 

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says, “It’s a broken starter”
The electrical engineer says, “Dead battery”
The chemical engineer says, “Impurities in the gasoline”
The IT engineer says, “Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in, close and open the windows.

 

The Goldberg Brothers were the inventors of the automobile air conditioner.

Here's a little-known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. 
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.  They persuaded him to get into the car, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. 
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $4 million for the patent. 
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. 
Now there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. 
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $3 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.