Political JOW #1347

 There is an election coming up soon.  I know because the commercials on TV are now exclusively for politicians.  None of the ads for politicians say what they want to do if elected; just the horrible things their opponent will do if he gets in.  They each claim the other is a terrible crook who will ruin our state/country.   I believe both of them.  I miss the ads for drugs to counteract the side effects for other drugs for some obscure medical condition.  And how am I to know which hemorrhoid cream I am supposed to use?   And speaking of hemorrhoids, here are some jokes about politicians. 

 

What do you call a politician who is caught lying?

A politician.

 

What does a politician do when he dies?

He lies still.

 

What do you call an honest politician? A myth.

 

A left-learning politician walks into a bar

The bartender asks:
Have you received therapy for your scoliosis yet?

 

What's the definition of a politician?

A person whose skin is so thick they can stand upright even without a spine

 

What's the difference between a politician and a crook?

No, seriously, I can't tell.

 

The only time a politician tells the truth...

When he calls another politician a liar

 

Some politician light bulb jokes

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it will take 10 others to American politician prove the funding.

 

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb

Three. One to screw it in.

One to screw it up. One to screw an intern.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they’re too busy trying to screw the country.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they’re too busy trying to screw the country.

 

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just form a committee to discuss it.

~~~~~

A politician goes on trial

Before he goes to the stand, his lawyer tells him, “Remember, if you get asked a question you don't know how to answer, plead the fifth."
The bailiff asks him "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
The politician pauses for a moment and says "Uh, I plead the fifth.”

 

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".

 

To those upset about comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.

 

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have all sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

 

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A six-bedroom house with a Mercedes Benz at the front and a nice, big garden.
The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.
The American politician said: "see that highway over there? It was funded for four lanes instead of three."
A few months later the Mexican politician invited the American over to his house down in Mexico. When the American arrived he saw the Mexican had a ten bedroom mansion a lush orchard and a massive garden with bodyguards and a Mercedes, a Porche and a few SUV's at the front.
Awe struck the American asked "how could you afford all of this?"
To which the Mexican replied: "see that bridge there?"
Confused the American said: "what bridge?"
"Exactly" the Mexican said

And finally…

A politician died and ended up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked at him and found his name in his book.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"
"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you spend a day each in heaven and hell and then you will be free to choose where you want to spend the rest of eternity."
"Why can't I choose now? Why do I have to spend a day in hell?"
"Well, that is the policy."
First, the politician spends a day in heaven. He sees angels singing and people playing harps. He finds heaven very boring for him.
Next, he spends a day in hell.
Upon arriving there he expects to see barren wastelands with rivers of lava but instead sees lush greenery and a large five-star hotel in front of him. At the hotel entrance, he sees Satan wearing a tuxedo and sipping on a martini.
"This isn't what I expected hell to be."
"Oh, hell has been completely misrepresented. We have a luxury five-star hotel with seven-course meals prepared by the best chefs. And we have all the sporting facilities you could imagine with a very large pool. All this is for free."
So the politician spends the entire day playing golf and eating his meals by the poolside. At the end of the day, he sleeps in the most luxurious bed he could imagine in a very large suite. The next morning, when he wakes up, he is back at the pearly gates where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"So what will it be?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I prefer hell."
So, the politician is transported back to hell, where he sees a barren wasteland illuminated only by the glow of rivers of lava and hears the screams of people being tortured. The air is full of the stench of sulfur.  Once again he sees Satan in his tux.
"What happened to the hotel, the golf course, the pool and all the greenery I saw yesterday?"
"Well, yesterday we were campaigning, today you have voted."