Where there's a Will there's a JOW #1231

We just got around to updating our wills this week, which got me thinking about the whole subject of estate planning, and wills in general.  Actually, I don’t need a will.  Nobody does.  It’s your heirs that need a will to divvy up the stuff you have no further need of.  Here are a few jokes about wills and estate planning for the inevitable day they will be needed.

 

You know things are bad when the specialist your doctor recommends for you is an estate planner.

 

A rich man’s included the following proviso: ‘To my loyal estate planning attorney, I leave my children a complicated series of trusts that will generate huge legal fees.’

 

A 5th-grade math teacher poses the following problem to one of her classes:  

“A wealthy man dies and leaves 10 million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long period of silence in the classroom, one brave little boy raises his hand. And with complete sincerity, he said, “A lawyer!”

 

For poet Heinrich Heine, he vowed to give all his property to his widowed wife on one condition: she needed to remarry. While this might sound like a romantic way to encourage your widow to move on, it was far from it: his wife was known to be boring and incredibly vain. Heine actually stated that if she remarried “There will be at least one man who will regret my death.”

 

After my father passed away the priest told me that he would not get into heaven because greed had consumed his life.  But he told me that if I donated my inheritance to the church, the church could probably work something out.

 

An attorney gathers an entire family for the reading of their grandfather’s will. Relatives came from near and far to see if they were included, and they sat patiently as the lawyer somberly opened the will and began to read: 

“To my cousin Ed, I leave my ranch. 

To my brother Jim, I leave my money market accounts. 

To my neighbor and good friend, Fred, I leave my stocks. 

And to my cousin George, who always sat around and never did anything but wanted to be remembered in my will, I say, ‘Hi, George.’”

 

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away. He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius."

The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!"

The appraiser says "Well, you can sell them, and they'll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn't much of a painter... and Van Gogh made lousy violins."

 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.  The old guy fingered his vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.  The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system and after a month I’d accumulated $1.37.”

” And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

And finally, a cautionary tale.

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.
But what a cookie!
It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field on a hidden Himalayan peak next to the ultimate source of the sacred Ganges River.
It was made with flour harvested from plants of the single-grained Einkorn found growing on the site of a Neolithic Anatolian village and ground between millstones of Lapus Lazuli.
It was made from eggs collected from Peahen nests in the remotest marshes of outback Australia.
It was made from sugar boiled from a cane garden in a secret valley in New Guinea.
It was flavored with a vanilla pod from the mysterious and still sacred original Vanilla Vine found by the Totonac people when they arrived in the Mazatlán Valley on the Gulf Coast of Mexico in the 15th century.
It had added flavor, as well, with chocolate chips made from the beans of a Cacao tree found on the site of a previously undiscovered Mayan temple.
When Roger's grandfather died, the cookie was baked by Gordon Ramsey in a kitchen built exclusively for the purpose.
It was the most expensive cookie ever baked and its ingredients consumed the entire fortune.
The lawyers delivered the cookie to the anorexic Roger as his entire inheritance. Understandably, all the other relatives were more than a little put out and they paid Roger a visit.
They all wanted their share of the fortune, but they couldn't find it because it had disappeared into the thin heir.

 

 

Another Stupid JOW #1230

 I recently came across a new concept: Hanlon’s Razor: ‘That which is attributed to malice is more often adequately explained by stupidity.’  Nobody thinks they are the bad guy, but often the stupid things they do make others think they are.  And God knows there are a lot of stupid people out there. I do not fear artificial intelligence nearly as much as I fear human stupidity.  And there are stupid people everywhere.  To paraphrase the movie Sixth Sense “I see stupid people.  They’re all around me.  They don’t even know they are stupid.”  John Wayne warned that, “Life is hard.  It’s harder when you are stupid.”  Or George Carlin’s observation: The average person is pretty stupid, and half the people are stupider than that.  And yes, I admit that I have done some really stupid things in my life.  Here are some jokes about stupid people.

 

God must love stupid people; He made SO many of them.

 

What's the term for the number of stupid people in an area?

Duncity.

 

Only stupid people never change their minds.  I've always said that.

 

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

 

I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".

Stupid firemen.

 

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

 

A few years back, a woman wanted to use the word acorns. What she wrote instead was egg corns, and ever since, linguists have had a new toy: ‘eggcorns’: words and phrases that people screw up.  Here are some examples of eggcorns:

• Social leopard (social leper)

• Mute point (moot point)

• Skimp milk (skimmed milk)

• Youthamism (euphemism)

•Holidays sauce Hollandaise sauce) 

 

A woman and her friend were out to lunch when the temperature drastically dropped. They stood by her friend’s truck, shivering, while the friend searched for a key to unlock the door. The woman asked, “Can’t we sit in the truck while you find your keys?”

 

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.

The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?” 

 

Before Google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

 

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund. 

Client: You did my tattoo backward! 

Tattoo artist: It’s backward? 

Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!

 

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. 

“Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” 

“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”

 

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yo! I ordered a Pizza & it came with no Toppings on it or anything, It’s Just Bread. 

Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this! 

Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down. 

 

A woman didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.” She wrote: “Driver.”

 

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my essay? 

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in an essay. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit an essay. You submitted a hostage situation.

 

And finally, here is an article from a few years back.

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in laws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

 

 

Tasteless JOW #1229

Usually, my jokes are pretty clean.  The JOW has standards; they are low, but they are standards…of a sort.  This week my jokes are close to the bottom of those standards.  Some of these jokes might be considered mean, some are naughty, and a few are as close to scatological as I go with my jokes.  All of them are pretty tasteless So here we go with some pretty tasteless jokes for this week. 

 

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

 

What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose.

 

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have one. Break their bones; they have 206.

 

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

 

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

 

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

 

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

 

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"

The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

 

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

 

Farmer Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob.

Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately, so I talked to my psychiatrist, and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

 

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.

He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

 

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"

The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."

The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?"

The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

 

A man started to have erection difficulties. His girlfriend and he had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought him some Viagra and he bought her a treadmill.

 

Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh, never mind, it's too long."

Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it."

 

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"

Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch; it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into." 

 

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."

The next calf comes up and asks,

"Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."

The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"

The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

 

A man and woman were divorcing and decided to get some counseling from their pastor.

“A divorce means you will have to split all your possessions, everything you have equally.”

“No problem, said the man.”

“What about your cars?”

“Easy.  We have two. She can have the SUV.”

“But you only have one house.”

“We can sell it and split the money.”

“But you have three children. You both love them all equally.  How will you split them?”

The couple shifted a bit, thinking of the old story of Soloman dividing a child.

Seeing an opening the Pastor thought he could see a way to keep the couple together.

‘Why don’t you try to have another child together?  Then, if after you have another child, and you can’t make the marriage work and finally divorce, you could each get two of them.”  He leaned back confident he had made a point.

The wife looking bored replied, “No.  If I had to count on him to make a baby I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”

 

Dramatic JOW! #1228

 The world is so full of drama at every level these days.  So, I might as well embrace and salute it.  Here are some dramatic funny jokes.  Note that I did not say they were dramatically funny.  I end with a joke about plant-based drama. I hope these jokes bring a smile.

What do you get when you cross a drama student with a comedian?

A stand-up tragedian.

 

A thief walked into a theatre and stole the spotlight.

 

Why did the drama teacher break up with the math teacher?

Their relationship had too many problems.

How do you know if someone is a drama enthusiast?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you… dramatically.

 

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

 

My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love a play on words.

 

Used to have this drama teacher who always said, “Raising your hand was a waste of time.”

He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.

 

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I never got a chance because his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

 

The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

 A man can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If a woman told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material.

 

What's a cow’s favorite TV drama?

Graze Anatomy

 

Boy comes home and tells dad that he's got a role in school drama playing a married man.

Dad. "don't worry, one day you'll get a speaking part.”

 

There is a new TV show where a bunch of stoners just sit around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

 

Have you heard about the troupe of actors who supported themselves by making and selling camel milk cheese?

The called themselves the Drama Dairy.

 

People wondered how Elmer Fudd managed to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.

Let's just say, he had a few Twix up his sleeve...

 

The movie “Lincoln” made almost $300 million in movie theatres, which was a surprise because historically Lincoln doesn’t do too well in theatres.

 

Well before the show has started, an usher walked by and noticed a man lying sprawled across three seats at a posh theater.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"
The man groaned, but stayed where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man said "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"
Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher, so he marched off to get the manager. In a few moments he returned with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager called the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, where's your proper seat?"
With pain in his voice the man replied, "In the balcony."

 

A girl goes to a movie theater…with her dog.
The movie didn’t have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said “That’s absolutely amazing. I can’t believe your dog is crying”
She responded: “I can’t believe either, because he didn’t like the book.”

 

John the archaeologist is digging under a theatre and discovers 5 pots of gold coins...

Ecstatic, he tells his lead archaeologist
"Graham, I've found 3 pots of gold coins!"
"What's that John? You've found 2 pots of gold coins?"
"That's what I said, a pot of gold coins!"

 

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTUS?

 

And at last, a semi-dramatic joke.
Once upon a time, there were two onions - Mr. & Mrs. Onion. One day, the wife-onion tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to her husband; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together. A shallot, if you will. The day comes of the birth, and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents. Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic. He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion, and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The father-onion is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard. She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to the yard just in time to see her child wander into the adjacent road and get hit by a truck.
She screams, runs out, and calls an ambulance.
The ambulance comes and rushes the frail child-onion to the Onion Hospital. Being in such a critical condition, he is rushed straight into the operating room, and mommy-and-daddy onion can do little but wait outside the theatre hoping for some news.
After an agonizing five-hour wait, the weary-looking doctor-onion emerges in surgical garb, ready to impart news.
"So, Mr. and Mrs. Onion. Would you like the good news or the bad news?"
The couple ponder it for a moment, and then decide: "The good news, please."
The doctor-onion regards them briefly, and then says, "Well, the good news is we've managed to stabilize your child. The bad news is... he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."