Good Healthy JOW #905

I see the Girl Scouts out pedaling their wares.  I am not sure about their truth in advertising.  I ate a box of thin mints and didn’t get thinner.  I don’t think they work.  That led me to thinking about weight gain and fitness in general.  I have had some nice posts on healthy exercise lately and so here are a few bits on healthy exercise.

From Rick

“The Importance of Walking”

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.  Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I do have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them.
 ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
 The advantage of exercising every day is so when you’re lying in your casket, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.’
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~
 We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~
 Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has that gross water in it.  Donuts never do that.

-------------------

At the Atlanta airport for holiday, Shane settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 25. Then he heard the voice on the public address system saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 440 will board from Gate 31.”

So Shane picked up his luggage and carried it over to Gate 31. Not fifteen minutes later the public address voice told him that Flight 440 would in fact be boarding from Gate 25.

So, again, Shane gathered his carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as he was settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.”

*************

A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there’s ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.

That last one got me thinking about golf

·         Golf balls are like eggs ~ they’re white. They’re sold by the dozen and a week later you have to buy more.

·         A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

·         It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

·         When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00

·         A.M. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard or go to church?

·         Golf is by far the ultimate love / hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over.

·         It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

·         A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfers from giving up the game.

·         Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.

·         A good golf partner is one who’ always slightly worse than you.

·         That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn

·         work.

·         If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.

·         If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

·         Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.

·         It’s a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you’re not choosy about which fairway.

·         If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.

·         The greatest sound in golf is the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, of your opponent’s club as he hurls it across the fairway.

And finally,

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week. The florist was pleased and left the shop.  When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy as he left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Spartan JOW #904

While researching my first books, set in ancient Greece, I had occasion to learn more about the Spartans.  You would not imagine such a fierce and warlike people would be funny, but the Spartans were especially famous for their dry, understated wit, which is now known as ‘laconic humor’.  I am going to start with Jokes of the Weeks with some very old jokes from the Spartans.

Here are some examples:

The Spartan Dienekes was told that the Persian archers were so numerous that when they shot their volleys, their arrows would blot out the sun. He responded, “So much the better, we'll fight in the shade”

Xerxes offered to spare his men if they gave up their arms. Leonidas replied "Come and take them".  (A quote later used by Texans in their war of independence.)

Spartan women had far more freedom and influence that other Greek women.  When asked by a woman from Attica, "Why are you Spartan women the only ones who can rule men?” a Spartan woman replied, "Because we are also the only ones who give birth to men.” 

The river of Athens is the Kephisos; the river in Sparta is the Eurotas. One time, an Athenian and a Spartan were trading insults.

“We have buried many Spartans,” said the Athenian, “beside the Kephisos.”

“Yes,” replied the Spartan, “but we have buried no Athenians beside the Eurotas.”

In Sparta, the law was to keep everything simple. One ordinance decreed that you could not finish a roof beam with any tool finer than a hatchet. So all the roof beams in Sparta were basically logs.

Once a Spartan was visiting Athens and his host was showing off his own mansion, complete with finely detailed, square roof beams. The Spartan asked the Athenian if trees grew square in Athens. “No, of course not,” said the Athenian, “but round, as trees grow everywhere.”

“And if they grew square,” asked the Spartan, “would you make them round?”

Philip of Macedonia decided to start putting pressure on Sparta, and sent them the following threatening message: “If I win this war, you will be slaves forever.”

The Spartan’s sent back a single word in reply: “if”.

Philip then sent a letter to the current Spartan king, asking if he wanted him to enter his lands as a friend or a foe. The only response Philip ever received was yet another single-word reply: “Neither.”

Nearing death, a Spartan king was asked if he wanted a statue erected in his honor. He declined, saying; "If I have done anything noble, that is a sufficient memorial; if I have not, all the statues in the world will not preserve my memory.

Spartans remind me of Klingons.

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There is no honor in changing a light bulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark.

Two combat comments

·         If you are going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s ark.  And it’s starting to rain.

·         Combat experience is something you don’t get until after you need it

Changing topics two unrelated jokes:

Mrs. Blanchett’s furnace stop working so she called a serviceman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the furnace, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll send money to your account. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my Doberman; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!”

When the serviceman arrives at Mrs. Blanchett’s flat the next day, he discovers the biggest and scariest Doberman he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching him go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the serviceman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you ugly bird!”

The parrot responded, “Get him, Apollo.”

Finally, here is an absurd duck joke.  It is actually funnier if you tell it, but since that is impractical, here it is in writing.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender says, “What can I get you?”

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd): No, I’m afraid we don’t.

And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.

Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?

Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?

Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren’t you in here yesterday? Look duck, we don’t have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice.

Duck: Umm… Do you have any grapes?

The bartender is really ticked off.

Bartender: Look. What’s your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON’T HAVE ANY GRAPES! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I’m going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT IT?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and quickly waddles out.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,

“What the heck do YOU want?”

Umm. Do you have any nails?

What!? No, of course not.

Oh, good. Do you have any grapes?