Whining JOW #857

As some of you might know, Ruth has taken a job to work as a Physician’s Assistant at the Navajo Indian Reservation for three months – April, May, and June.  I will be going with her to Chinle Arizona to share in the adventure.  I think they have internet out there but I may have to use an America Online account over a phone modem to send out the JOW for the next three months.

I remembered an old joke about a Navajo which involved wine.  I know a lot more about wine than I do about the Navajo reservation so I quickly shifted to jokes about wine. 

A woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride. The woman thanked her and got in the car.

After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.

The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."

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Sometimes when I reflect back on the wine I drink I am abashed.  Then I think about all the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn’t drink wine they might be out of a job and their dreams would be shattered.  Then I realize that it is better to drink wine and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.

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·         Lord give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can’t.

·         People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point.  The glass is refillable.

·         Of course an engineer would tell you it is full – half with wine, half with air. 

·         And an oenophile would say that is if just right to bring out the bouquet of the wine.

·         And a chemist would remind you that wine actually is a solution.

·         I had salad for dinner.  Fruit salad.  Mostly grapes.  Okay, all grapes.  Fermented grapes.  Wine.  I had wine for dinner.

·         Sometimes I add ‘drink some wine’ to my “To Do” list just so I have a sense of accomplishment.

·         I'm a wine enthusiast, the more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.

·         When you get a hangover from wine it's called the grape depression.

·         Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

What kind of dog brings you red wine?

A Bordeaux collie.

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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.  The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

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I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She said, "It's me talking to the wine.

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At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.

Maybe that's why I'm no longer a firefighter.

On an Allegro wine truck:

In case of accident – Bring cheese and crackers.  Lots and Lots of Cheese and Crackers.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Dear alcohol:

We had a deal.  You would make me a better dancer.

I saw the video. 

We need to talk.

Bill provided these classic Church Bulletin gaffs:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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 Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 

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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

And one last one about Sunday School:

A woman was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? ' ' NO! ' the children answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was ' NO! '

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered ' NO!

She was just bursting with pride for them. She continued,' Then how can I get into heaven?

'A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN ' DEAD...."

Nun Shall Pass JOW #856

I attended a Catholic funeral this week (hence the lateness of the JOW).  It got me thinking about lots of things.  One of them was the Catholic faith, which led to nuns, which led to this JOW.  There are lots and lots of nun jokes. Many are obscene and thus will not make the JOW.  Some are merely naughty and others charming.  I have a mix of those kinds that I hope you will enjoy. 

Here is a first person joke I found that I thought was clever

As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up with the convent's card.
After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card.  It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind. The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.

"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"

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Mother Superior: "Welcome to the Convent of Silence, Sister Mary Katherine. You are welcome to stay here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct yo to do so."
Five years pass.
Mother Superior: "You have remained silent for five years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine: "Hard bed."
Mother Superior: "I'm sorry to hear that. We will get you a better bed."
Five more years pass.
Mother Superior: "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
Sister Mary Katherine: "Cold food."
Mother Superior: "I am quite sorry. We will instruct the cook to ensure your food is warmer in the future."
Five years later.  
Mother Superior: "You may say two words only today."
Sister Mary Katherine: "I quit."
Mother Superior: "It's probably for the best. You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent with strict instructions from the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in their underwear. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

Two priests decided to take a vacation to a tropical resort.  They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some shorts, Hawaiian shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them.  They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen'.

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Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk they take a wrong turn.  Suddenly they find themselves on an old cobblestone road heading down a steep hill.  Down they go, habits flying, hanging on to their bikes for dear life as the bikes bump wildly over the uneven surface of the road.

They both reached the bottom of the hill.  One leaned over to the other and said, breathing heavily, "You know, I've never come that way before."

The other nun nodded and said, "I think it was the cobblestones."

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Two English nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts,....."GET THE HELL OFF OF OUR CAR!!!! "

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A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills.

When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's your share. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

From Pat

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,
"Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret on the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

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Four young novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel where the Mother Superior was waiting to perform the ceremony to marry them to God.
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, 4 Chassidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's side."