Leaping JOW #803

Today is Leap Day.  Julius Caesar and his astronomer, Sosigenes, calculated the need for a Leap Year in 45 B.C.  There have been 514 leap years since then.  Without that extra day I guess today would be July 31, 2017.  Actually we even have a Leap Second this year which is actually very important for things like atomic clocks.  Don’t think those matter?  GPS depends upon them.

Leap year gives me an extra day to reflect on how unproductive I am with extra time.  Here are some Leap Year factoids.

People born on February 29 are called "leaplings" or "leapers".

If you're on a fixed annual wage today you are working for free

Anthony, Texas is the self-proclaimed "Leap Year Capital of the World". It holds a festival which includes a guided trip to Aztec Cave, "fun at the horse farm" and square dancing. – Too bad I will have to miss all the fun….

   Some leap year kid riddles:

·         What do athletes wear on Leap Day? Jumpsuits.

·         What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day? Hip Hop.

·         What do the Chinese call the Year of the Frog? Leap Year.

·         Where do most people eat on Leap Day? IHOP.

·         What do you call a one-legged waitress in a pancake house?  Yup – IHOP   

·         Oh, and what do you call a one-legged Japanese waitress?  Irene

The current Republican presidential race is reminding me more and more of a reality TV Show – no wonder Trump is winning.  There are disturbing echoes of Mike Judges cult film ‘Idiocracy’, set in a future where all the smart people have been outbred by the dumb ones.  The POTUS of that movie was a mixed-martial arts/porn star.  Okay, maybe that is a bit too much but when did a debate for the most important job in the world degenerate into a shouting match of insults.  Ken Hoffman is a writer for the Houston Chronicle.  He is not my favorite writer but he did post a number of amusing (to me) bits on the current candidates. As he says, ‘I knew that at some point a funnier sitcom than ‘Seinfeld’ would come along.  I never thought it would be the presidential debate’.

Here are a few presidential insult jokes:

Hillary and Bernie are so old they look like the couple in a Cialis commercial.  They should be debating side by side in separate bath tubs.

On a Trump rally – ‘We are witnessing history.  Specifically Germany in 1932.’

On one of the early losers – ‘How do you run a campaign over the sound of your staff typing their resumes?’

Mike Huckabee supporters don’t know the meaning of the word ‘surrender’.  That is because they were educated in the Arkansas school system.

Random short jokes

·         I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

·         I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

·         Hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns.  But a gun is easier to conceal.

·         I was watching the Bay to Breakers race in San Francisco where the runners often wear costumes.  Then I saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'.

·         I started so many fights at my school – but I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.

·         Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

·         There is a lot of crime in multi-story parking garages. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Finally, a silly one that I just heard:

Two blondes became lost on a hike.  They called out but no one answered.

“Maybe they can’t hear us,” one said.

“I heard it is better if we all call out together,” the other said.

So they took a deep breath and began to yell loudly, “Together, Together, Together!”

Themeless JOW #802

I try to have a theme for my weekly jokes – it makes it easier for me to remember them.  Sometimes once I have a theme the JOW just flows.  Other times I rely on others to help with content.  This week is sort of a mixed bag, ending with a ‘shaggy duck’ joke and a truly awful pun.  I hope you enjoy them.

Here are a few bits from Steph:

·         They say with age comes wisdom.  Therefore I do not have wrinkles – I have wise cracks.

·         Dating is a lot like fishing: Sometimes catch and release is best.

·         I only drink a little.  But when I do, I turn into somebody who drinks a lot.

A man and a woman are sitting on the porch drinking beer.

“I love you,” said the man.

“Is that you talking or the beer talking?” asks the woman.

“That’s me talking.  To the beer.”

And speaking about drinking, here are some scientific facts about water.

·         Water can be chemically synthesized by burning rocket fuel.

·         Water is one of the primary ingredients in herbicides and pesticides.

·         Water is the leading cause of drowning

·         100% of all serial killers admitted to drinking water.

The young mechanic loved fancy cars and was thrilled to land a summer job with the local Mercedes service center.

“Gee, Mr. Schultz, I can’t wait to learn all the ins and outs of fixing up these babies.”

“Okay, kid, listen up.  The first thing you have to do is open the hood, stand back, and shake your head very, very sadly.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The three college roommates stayed in touch over the years even though their professional lives differed widely.  One had become an attorney, one a professor of Italian literature, and one a zoologist.  Tragically they all discovered that each of them had been told by their physician that they only had a short time to live.

They arranged to meet to discuss this tragic news.  Inevitably the conversation turned to how they wanted to live out their last days.

“I am going to Tanzania,” said the zoologist.  “I have always wanted to see the Mountain Gorilla in his native habitat.”

“Italy for me.  I want to see where Dante was born and to be buried near the great man.  And you,” he asked turning to the lawyer.  “What would you like to see?”

“Another doctor.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 “911, what is your emergency?”

“It’s the cat!  He is going to kill me!  Please help me!”

“What kind of a cat is it?”

“It’s the family cat.  A tabby.  I don’t know. But he is looking at me like he is going to pounce any second.”

“Calm down; cats don’t hurt us.  Just relax.”

“You don’t understand, he is going to kill and eat me!”

“Cats aren’t like snakes that are poisonous.  By the way, I see you are calling from the residence of Jane Smith.  Am I speaking to Jane?”

“No, Jane has gone shopping.  This is Jane’s parrot.  Help me!”

And speaking of speaking avian types:

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, you’re a duck!”

“I see your eyes are working,” says the duck coolly.

“And you can talk.”

“And your ears are working, too,” replies the duck.  “Now can I have my beer? And maybe a little popcorn, too?”

“Sorry about that,” says the barman.  “It’s just that we don’t get many ducks in here.  So what brings you around here?”

 “I’m working at the construction site across the street.  I’m a plasterer.”  

The flabbergasted bartender wants to know more but takes the hint when the duck takes a newspaper out and starts to read it.  The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his popcorn, bids the barman good day and leaves.

This happens every day for a week.

Then one day the circus comes to town.  The ringmaster comes into the bar and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, right?  Well, I know this duck that could be just great in your circus.  He talks, drinks beer, reads the newspaper and everything." 

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.  “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the bar the bartender says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with at top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck, “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” replies the bartender.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right, the circus.”

“The circus?” the duck asks again.  “That place with the big tent?”
“With all the animals that live in cages?  And the performers that travel around?”

“Of course,” says the bartender.

“And a tent with canvas sides and a canvas roof?” asks the duck.

“That’s right!”

The duck shakes his head sadly.  “What the heck would they want with a plasterer?”

_________________

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.  Looking around he asked the bartender “Where is everybody?”

“They’ve gone to the hanging.”

“Hanging, who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete.”

“What did he do?”

“Well,” replied the bartender, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper shoes.”

“What are they hanging him for?”

“Rustling.”

Puntificating JOW #801

I have a few political bits and some of the most devastating puns I could come up with for my jokes this week.  We will start with one that is a bit older but recently trending.

 

Scientists today announced they would be attempting to measure the impact of enormous egos when placed in proximity of one other.  Initially identified subjects include New York business man and reality TV star Donald Trump and music heavyweight Kanye West.

“It will be a real challenge,” reported Dr. Bullroar, head of the project, “not just in getting people with excessive self-esteem to cooperate, but to do so in a venue that has a platform sturdy enough to support the weight of such enormous egos.”

When asked if bringing two such incredibly self-centered individuals could be dangerous, Dr. Bullroar minimized the concerns.

“Normally, raging narcissists simply ignore other people.  Remember, Hollywood has been dealing with this issue for decades.  What will make this particular experiment unique is that once we have lured out participants to the site of the experiment we will attempt to get them to recognize that the experiment is NOT all about them.  If prevented from fleeing the scene, we may get some interesting reactions, especially when we introduce a highly unstable element such as Kardashian to the mix.  We are hoping to generate a new element called KanyeTrump.  The new element is expected to be so dense that it will think the world revolves around it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some awful puns:

What do you call a motorcycle gang of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? 

The Bikings.

  (About three or four puns in one.)

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Lincoln was the least guilty president.  He is in a cent.

What is the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

  (Why would a lobster get breast implants?  To attract horny old  lawyers.)

A man came home and found all his lamps were stolen and his light bulbs smashed.  He was delighted.

Where did Noah keep the bees?

In the Ark Hives

What does a pirate say on his 80^th birthday?

Aye matey!

That bad pun reminded me of a couple of nerdy chemistry jokes –

So oxygen went out with potassium – it went OK

Then oxygen tried going with magnesium – OMG

Oxygen asked nitrogen out but nitrogen was all like – NO

Then oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins – likes like someone’s a HO

Which got me thinking about a couple of language related jokes

A Mexican magician announced he would disappear on the count of three.

Uno!

Dos!

But he vanished without a Tres.

++++++++++++

Three little French kitties were playing on the ice.

The ice was thin and their owner told them to come back right now.  But the kitties ignored her.

“You had better come back before I count to five,” she warned them.

But the kitties ignored her. Sure enough, the ice broke - Un, Deux, Trois, Quatre, Cinq  

     (That one is better spoken than read as ‘quartre’ sounds to me like ‘cats’ and ‘cinq’ like ‘sank’)

Okay, another language joke –

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all standing watching a street performer.  The performer notices that the four men have a poor view so stands on a crate and asks them. “Can you see me now?”

And they reply

Yes

Oui

Si’

Ja

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

A new dad was in the hospital with his wife and new baby contemplating his new responsibilities; making ‘Dad jokes’ and all.

This was a wonderful hospital with a machine that was specifically made to heat blankets for the newborns.

As he laid the blanket of his child he asked the nurse, “Do you keep these at womb temperature?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

I read the Sunday funnies.  There were a couple that resonated with me this week;

Pearls before Swine had a study on Modern Government 101

Lobbyist – Hello Senator.  Here’s a million dollars for your Super Pac.  I’d like you to kill a banking bill that’s hurting my business.

Senator – Whoa!  You’ve stated a quid pro quo, and that makes this ILLEGAL!

Lobbyist – A quid pro quo, what is that?

 Senator – Quid pro quo.  An explicit exchange of money for a favor.  And that is illegal, immoral, and repulsive.

Lobbyist – So now what?

Senator – So go back out.  Then come back in.  And this time you just say you’d like to donate a million dollars to my Super Pac.

Lobbyist – Hello, I’d like to donate a million dollars to your Super Pac.

Senator – Thank you.  How is business?

Lobbyist – Not good.  There’s a banking bill I don’t like.

Senator – I don’t like that bill, either.  I think I’ll kill it.

Lobbyist – And what was that?

Senator – Legal!

Goat, Mouse, and Pig in the next box say

Goat -I think our system needs fixing.

Mouse -How more fixed can it get?

Pig -Yay! The system is fixed!

Remember citizens, if you give a businessman money and expect him to do something for you that is BRIBERY.

If you give a politician money and expect him to do something for you that is a CAMPAIN CONTRIBUTION.

The other bit was from Doonsbury, a cartoon I seldom like; but this time Gary Trudeau hit it on the head.  It is blatantly political but accurate.  When we elect a politician to office we are usually voting for them based on their stated platform and on their personality.  In part, we vote for the personality so we can estimate what that person will do on issues that are not covered during the election; the kind of a person that will be a good representative for us.

Donald Trump has some interesting ideas and he is certainly not in anyone’s pocket like the  cartoon above.  Yet even his supporters admit the obvious – that he is a bullying narcissistic egoist prone to impulsive behavior.  They like him because he expresses a real anger in the electorate.  They like that he is not ‘politically correct’ and talks without ‘filters.’              

In his cartoon, Trudeau has Trump say the following:

“There’s only one thing I won’t say:  What I won’t say is what I really think of all of you.  Why? Well mostly because I prefer to talk about myself - how incredibly successful I am!  It’s unbelievable how successful!  You people?  Not so much.  You’re mostly losers and I prefer winners.  I was born rich and now I’m richer than ever!  And you’re not!  So I jet in on my private plane, talk about myself, whip up the anger, shake a few hands, and then jet off, wiping away the smell of nowhere with a squirt of Purell.  The last thing I want to do is sit in your dingy little kitchen and actually listen to you losers.  Why? Because then I’d have to pretend that this election is about you, when it’s not.  It all about me!”

And in a final tidbit

“I just left my job.  I couldn’t work with for that man after what he said to me.”

“What did he say?”

“You’re fired”.