Traveling JOW #672

I will begin my Great American Driving Adventure in the morning; a 5,000 mile trip from Houston, down to Edinburg in the far south east corner of Texas, then skirting the border of Mexico to the Davis Mountains, on to greater Phoenix, LA, Yosemite, campsites in the mountains around Tahoe, on to Great Basin National Park, Estes Park, Dallas, and back home to The Woodlands. All that assumes things go as planned.  They say travel broadens – I hope that applies to my mind not my rear end. 

Since I will be on the road for the next couple of weeks I am not sure I will be able to maintain my JOW submissions.  And since I have travel on my mind my jokes this week are sort of travel related.  Enjoy.

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I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

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Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

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A salesman was searching for a certain company in unfamiliar territory. He came to a likely-looking road marked with a small red sign reading: Industrial Center.

He was not certain that this was the right road, so he drove back to a gas station to inquire.

The attendant took his arm and pointed to the sign that the salesman had just read, now barely discernible in the distance.

“See that little sign about three blocks away?” he asked.

“You mean the red one that says Industrial Center?” he asked.

“Man!” he exclaimed. “You’ve got eyes like an eagle!”

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A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

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A large train with two locomotives was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not an airplane."

Finally, a French train joke.

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:
"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"
So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.
"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:
Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"
Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get off of the train in Mannheim."

Elder JOW #671

What with my two canines and various visitors and service animals that stay at Chez Pinney, I do a fair amount of dog walking. I don’t really consider it exercise other than perhaps meeting the old adage – “Movement is Medicine” as my efforts are more like a dog ‘amble’ or ‘saunter’.  One thing that I have noticed is that I quickly become attuned to when the creature on the other end of the leash becomes serious about depositing waste.  Note that I did not say ‘go to the bathroom’.  A dog goes to the bathroom to get a drink.  No, I mean solid waste.  I have some times pondered how a dog finds a place that is worth a s#it; I think it is just a process of elimination.

            All that is just random maundering; my joke of the week is more stuff about I am more familiar with, specifically, old jokes; by that I mean jokes about our elderly citizens.  This is always a rich topic with the added advantage that they can be frequently recycled as they are quickly forgotten.

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A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day.

While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed.

The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems going around.

The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have AIDS when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A new and inexperienced waitress tells another waitress she is concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.
The other waitress explains that tray stands are placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner serves all her lunches successfully, and afterwards asks an elderly couple if everything has been all right.
"It was fine, dear," replies the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?"

………………………………………………
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

The late Phyliss Diller was a woman well ahead of her time.  She had some definite ideas about getting older.
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
“You know you're old if someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot."

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While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "Last year, I took Bea to Tucson.  Maybe this year I'll go back down there and get her."

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Here are some revised old hits to accommodate aging Baby Boomers

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
Ringo Starr: "I Get By With a Little Help From DEPENDS"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts"
Procol Harum: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Elvis: "Heartbreak Hospice"
Bob Dylan: "Like A Kidney Stone"
Queen: "We WERE the Champions"
Beatles: "With a Little Help From My Meds"
Dion: "Limparound Sue"
The Rolling Stones: "Limping-Jack Flash" and “Hey, kid, get off of my yard”
Tony Orlando: "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall"
Helen Reddy: "I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore"
Willie Nelson: "On the Throne Again"
John Prine: "Pink Cataract"
John Denver: "Rocky Mountain High Fiber"
Lesley Gore: "It's My Procedure And I'll Cry If I Want To"

Some of us seem to have failed to grasp that fashions and fads may change but not all of them are for seniors.  Despite what you may have seen at the Renaissance Faire and sometimes even on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedos and cellulite.
7. A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and midriff bulge.
10. Bikinis and liver spots.
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. In-line skates and a walker.

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Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob.

One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose - in a hanging basket!"

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Fairly Tale JOW #670

Whilst casting about for a subject this week I started thinking about the old fairy tales and suddenly the bad jokes began flowing.  Enjoy.

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Mary went to an antiques store and bought a small, old-fashioned, kerosene lantern. But when she got it home, she found it infested with small albino insects that had recently vacated their former home
on a feline.  So what did Mary actually have?
Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow.

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Snow White received an old style film camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to pick up the finished photos. (Remember those days?)

The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, told her don't worry,

"Someday your prints will come."

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There were a group of intellectuals who were convinced that nurture not nature was responsible for human intelligence.  They took a challenge to prove that anyone could become a profound thinker with proper education.  As a real test they undertook to educate a certain Miss Ingrid Horst, a woman with long blonde tresses, startling blue eyes, and figure to make a blind man stare.  The educators were advised that no one of the entire Horst clan had ever held a single thought in their heads for more than a few moments.

Taking the challenge they took Miss Horst and began a rigorous course of education to try to expand her mental horizons.  They enrolled her in one of the finest colleges in the northeast, Vassar, confident that their rigorous and feminist training could tune her mind to the same level as her admittedly spectacular body.

Alas, after a full semester of guided education she answered all the questions with a smile, simper and the same answer:  “I donna know.”

Although many of the male instructors (and at Vassar many of the female ones) were inclined to pass her the scientists had to admit that her family history prevented her from gaining any measurable intellectual development.

“I am afraid,” they finally admitted, “you can lead a Horst to Vassar but you can’t make her think.”

And in a similar vein

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood,
fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story?  You can lead a drinker to water but you can't make him hoarse.

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Two good Montana buddies, Jet and Clay, were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end.  Jet won and got the head as his trophy.   Clay lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear.

So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Clay thought, it was nothing but a cat-as-trophe.

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Tom provided me with the new Seniors Cheer.

All together now –

What do we want!

Better Memory!

When do we want it?

What do we want?

I still have some geek jokes left from last week: 

·         When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

·         If a gathering of crows is called a murder what do you call two crows?  Attempted murder?

·         If seagulls congregate around a bay, does that make them bagels?

·         Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

·         How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

And to counteract those

Q. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

A. Nothing – they just waved.

Finally a bit of word humor.  Given that English was a half-German pidgin, it is surprising how many words we still have to borrow.  Here are a few examples:

1. Schadenfreude: Joy in the misfortune of others - German.

2. Wei-wu-wei: Deliberate decision not to do something - Chinese.

3. Prozvonit: To call a mobile phone to have it ring once so that the other person calls back, saving the first caller money - Czech and Slovak. (Allegedly)

4. Age-otori: To look worse after a haircut - Japanese.

5. Chutzpah: Cheek but with extremely self-confident audacity - Yiddish.

6. Zeg: The day after tomorrow - Georgian. Sometimes English lacks subtlety, in this case it lacks simple utility.

7. Stramash: Fight, uproar - Scottish and northern English.

8. Esprit de l'escalier: The brilliantly witty response you didn't think of until too late - French.

9. Fremdschämen: Being embarrassed for someone else, often someone who should be but isn't - German

10. Pesmenteiro: One who shows up to a funeral for the food - Portuguese

Finally, this is a link to an absolutely hilarious video that pretty well sums up relations between men and women these days.  Ummm…. you women don’t necessarily have to watch.

http://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg

Geeky JOW #689

This is a JOW with jokes (mostly provided by Bill) about nerdy subjects.  ‘Egg head’ humor has been popular since the Greeks. (Even the Greeks made fun of geeks.)    The idea behind these jokes is the shared understanding of a concept that is not usually associated with humor and is thus unexpected. There is also the concept of shared communication –“oh, I get it”.  If you think back to your high school physics for example you might remember that Newtons and Pascals are units of force which is an unexpected punchline.  Anyway, here are some mostly short really stupid ‘smart jokes’.

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How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? 

Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?"

The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand times, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

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The philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting a French café reviewing his draft of Being and Nothingness. 

“I would like a cup of coffee, please with no cream,” he asked the waitress

The waitress came back and said, “I am sorry Monsieur, but we are out of cream.  How about with no milk?”

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Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None; the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

It is so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they take things literally.

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A logician’s wife is having a baby.  Looking at the sonogram the wife asks her husband, “Is it a boy or a girl?” 

The logician replies, “Yes.”

Then she asks him to go to the store.  “Pick up a loaf of bread; if they have eggs, get a dozen.

He returns with twelve loaves of bread.

Some ‘walk into a bar’ jokes.

Three logicians walk into a bar.  The bartender asks “Do you all want a drink?”

The first logician says “I don’t know.”

The second logician says “I don’t know.”

The third logician says, “Yes!”

………………………

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini.

The bartender asks "dry?"

The German replies "nein, just one"

Then a Latin scholar walks into a bar and asks for a martinius.

“Do you mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

“No,” the scholar replied, “I just want one.”

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Two chemists walk into a chemist bar.  The first chemist says I will have some H2O.  He gulps it down.

The second chemist shrugs and says, I’ll have some H2O, too.  He gulps the drink down and dies.

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Helium, neon, and argon walk into a bar.  The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve noble gases in here.”

The gases don’t react.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The two most difficult problems to solve in Computer Science are cache errors, naming errors, and off-by-one errors.

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The physicist Heisenberg was stopped by a cop on the highway.

“Do you know how fast you were going back there,” the officer asked.

“No,” Heisenberg replied but I know where I was.”

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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal were playing hide and go seek in heaven.  It’s Einstein’s turn to be ‘it’ so he covers hi s eyes and starts counting to ten.  Pascal runs off and hides.  Newton draws a squatter one meter by one meter on the ground directly in front of Einstein and stands in the middle of it.

Einstein uncovers his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I have found you.  You are it.”

Newton smiles and says, “You did not find me, you found a Newton over one square meter.  You found Pascal!”

Entropy just isn’t what it used to be.

A Higgs Boson particle comes into a church just before communion. 

“We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here,” the priest said.

The Higgs Boson particle was surprised and replied “But, without me how could you have mass?”

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A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.

The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light"

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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer tried to look it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table he only had a Blue Rubber Ball Table and so was unable to reach a solution.

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Diary of Pavlov’s dog: 

“Day 19 - I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.”