End of the Year JOW #694

As the year, and the holidays, come to an end it seems only appropriate that I wish you all “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.”  Of course the way things are these days I decided to get Lawyer Pat to check it out.  He very kindly provided the following:

Politically Correct Statement of Good Wishes

“Please accept, with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, I, as the "wisher"
convey this wish without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the ‘wishee.’"

And in that vein, here are a few warning notices they really need to print on the bottles.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to "cave your head in."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your underwear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Bruiser.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Here are a few new drinks you might try out this New Year’s Eve:

Absolute Zero............Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith..............Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot...............Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful.............Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler...........White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, sand
George Bush..............George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Honeydew the Dishes......Midori and Dawn
Martinizer...............Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins.............Vodka, castor oil, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless.........Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole...............Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary....Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver....Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm..........Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor.............Cold duck and Dr. Pepper

A Rum with a View........Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey...Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me...............Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm..........Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck................Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave...............Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Skid Roe.................Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut...............Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver............Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream

--------------------------------------------

·         When you are young you are delighted when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Now you are forced to.

·         People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

And finally, some short quips:

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A man's home is his castle - in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Cold but Semi-Topical JOW #693

I am doing Christmas in a cold and snowy climate this year which has certain advantages.  It is cold and gets dark early so it is really easy to stay inside and eat and drink to excess.  I mean, it is DARK by 5 PM.  Of course there will be a price to be paid as I have to shed all those extra calories my body is putting on in expectation of winter famines.  Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "you know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten passwords, my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!  To lose the holiday weight you just have to tough it out.  A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Here are a few semi-topical jokes this week.

Pickup lines for Santa’s Elves:

·         "I'm down here!"

·         "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"

·         "I taught Santa everything he knows."

·         "I'm a magical being, just close your eyes and relax."

·         "I'm free on Christmas Eve."

·         "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

·         "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

·         "You know what they say about guys with big ears."

·         "I can get you off the naughty list."

*******************

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. As he lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gather around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and at least eighty years old.

 "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic, I’m Jewish. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the old-time over to where the dying man lay.

He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54..."

From Lawyer Pat:

A “Truism” is something that can’t possibly be true, but everyone believes.  A “Lawyerism” is a complete lie told by an attorney in the hopes that it will become a “Truism”.

Which led me to making up words.  Remember back in grade school we used to do Chinese words.  Like the poor Chinese hurdler:  One Hung Lo?  Well here are a few more grade school Chinese phrases -

Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu

======================

I have been reminded that adding years brings on special challenges for the distaff side:

·         You go to the doctor and you realize you're now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

·         You no longer have upper arms, you now have wingspans.

·         You stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end. (without turning around).

·         You go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

·         You're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

·         You bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.

·         Life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

·         Your memory really starts to go and the only thing you still retain is water.

·         Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

·         One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

·         The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

·         Victoria's Secret: nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

·         You become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here - or - how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a ‘healthy choice’?

And finally, some more or less uplifting random thoughts:

·         Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

·         Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

·         Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

·         Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

·         You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

·         Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

·         Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

·         A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Nerdy JOW #692

I will be on the road next week, but I will try to get my Christmas JOW out from my brother in laws place up in Estes Park, Colorado.  Meanwhile I have fallen into a nerdy sort of mood; when you think about it Christmas itself is sort of a nerdy holiday, but in the best possible way.   So this week I have some nerdy jokes for a wonderful time of year.  Of course most of us eat way too much this time of year.  Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.  These, of course, are only round figures.

But these jokes are guaranteed calorie free so enjoy without worry.

----------------------------------------------

Q: What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

A: When you say one thing and mean your mother… I mean another.

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.  One to change it and one to hold the penis - Ladder, I meant ladder!

………………………………..

I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature: All Dante

______________________________

The mathematician put his root beer in a square cup which, according to the equation made it ‘beer’.

*****************************

Three physicists are in a boat with four cigarettes but they have no matches or lighters or any means of making fire to light them with.  So they throw one of the cigarettes over the side which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If the formula for sugar is C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁ , then is the formula for a sugar cube C₁₂H₂₂O₁₁³  ?

Note from chemistry nerd to the girl at the next lab table:  Are you made of Copper and Tellurim?  Because you are CuTe

  And I think we need a new element:   Ah  The Element of Surprise

^{@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@}

Bacteria:  The only culture some people have.

````````````````````````````````````

The famous physicists Schrodinger and Heisenberg were driving too when they are pulled over by a cop. 

“Okay, do you know how fast you were going?”
“Well, either that or where I am but not both at the same time,” Heisenberg answered uncertainly.

The officer opens a box in the trunk of the car and finds a dead cat. 

“Did you know there was a dead cat in here?” the officer asks Schrodinger.

“Well, I do now,” he replies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

T’Aaliya Whatshername explained that she has an apostrophe in her name because she could be a bit possessive.

...........

·         I think they should use more chromosomes in advertising because, well, sex sells.

A man broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, "Can you give me a hand?"
"Sorry," the motorist replied. "I'm not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
"Well, can you give me a toe?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Christmas.  The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned.

“What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?”

++++++++++++++++++
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.

Andy sent me images of some classic headlines.  Headlines like these are the reason he still gets the paper.

·         Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem

·         Parents Keep Kids Home to Protest School Closure

·         Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors

·         Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf

·         Man accused of killing lawyer gets new attorney

·         Study shows that frequent sex Enhances pregnancy chances

·         Bridges help people cross rivers

·         Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800 pound ball on his head

·         Homicide victims rarely talk to police

·         Marijuana issue sent to joint committee

·         Statistics show teen pregnancy drops off after age 25

·         Federal agents raid gun shop – find weapons

·         Republicans turned off by size of Obama’s package

·         Dianna was still alive hours before she died