I am trying to finish the penultimate edits of my latest book, “Jac and the Princess” within the next two weeks, so books are on my mind. That is why books and reading are the twin themes of my JOW this week.
There have been a lot of Chuck Norris Jokes going around. Only one of them is related to books:
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
----------------
Here is a literary knock knock joke.
Librarian: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Librarian: Winnie Thupp.
Kid: Winnie Thupp who?
Librarian: He's in the juvenile fiction, and so is Piglet!
--------------------------------
The English literature students thought reading Melville's Billy Budd would be an easy task because the novel is only 90 pages long. One boy, however, complained that the text was heavy and hard to comprehend.
"Hey," another student suggested, "maybe you should try reading Budd Light."
----------------------------------
One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?"
Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know."
The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?"
Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a stupid pig?"!
And now a list of unlikely authors and their books
• The French Chef
by Sue Flay
Secrets of the Mind
by Sarah Bellum
• Tight Situation
by Leah Tard
• Unemployed
by Anita Job
• Off to Market
by Tobias A. Pigg
• I Live in Detroit
by Helen Earth
• Handel's Messiah
by Ollie Luyah
• Downpour!
by Wayne Dwops
• Cloning
by Ima Dubble
• Irish Flooring
by Lynn O'Leum
• Holmes Does it Again
by Scott Linyard
• Home Alone IV
by Eddie Buddyhome
• Neither a Borrower
by Nora Lender Bee
• The Scent of Men
by Jim Nasium
• French Overpopulation
by Francis Crowded
• Fallen Underwear
by Lucy Lastic
• House Construction for Amateurs
by Bill Jerome Home
• Lewis Carroll
by Alison Wonderland
• Leo Tolstoy
by Warren Peace
• The Coming Gas Crisis
by M. T. Tank
• Wind in the Willows
by Russell Ingleaves
• Look Younger
by Fay Slift
• No!
by Kurt Reply
• And Shut Up!
by Sid Downe
• 40 Yards to the Latrine
by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont
• Glass Bikini
by Seymore Skynn
• Yellow River
by I. P. Freely
• Sex on the Beach
by Sandy Shortz
Penguin jokes are always interesting.
A truck driver was driving 100 penguins to the New York Zoo when his truck broke down on the freeway. The driver got out of the cab and was looking at the engine when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help. The penguins' driver explained that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the penguins there. He agreed. Some hours later, the second truck driver drove past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck!
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so I’m taking them to the movies now."
========================
And finally
A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in another university when his chauffeur offered an idea. "Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off."
"Sounds great," the scientist agreed.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and sat into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
"Yes," said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question.
The chauffeur was panic stricken for a moment but quickly recovered.
"That's an easy one," he replied. "In fact, it's so easy I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it!"
Thos. Pinney
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Hard(ly) Working JOW #501
I have started some contract work for the government. That is part of the reason my JOW is late this week. I had to attend a training seminar that crammed two hours of instruction into three days. At least I did get the most important thing down: how to fill in my timesheet. That experience got me thinking about work and let to this week’s tardy JOW.
---
A man stopped to watch a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
---
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And it took you a whole hour to roll down two flights of stairs?"
Some jobs lead to happy endings
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."
I have broken the code for those comments you find in help wanted postings:
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 40.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
These exerts are from actual resumes:
• "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
• "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
• "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
• "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Number of dependents: 40."
• "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
• "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
• "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
• "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• “Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.”
• Reason for leaving last job: “They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.”
• “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”
---
A man stopped to watch a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
---
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And it took you a whole hour to roll down two flights of stairs?"
Some jobs lead to happy endings
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."
I have broken the code for those comments you find in help wanted postings:
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 40.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
These exerts are from actual resumes:
• "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
• "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
• "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
• "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Number of dependents: 40."
• "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
• "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
• "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
• "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• “Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.”
• Reason for leaving last job: “They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.”
• “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Go Fish JOW #500
This is Joke of the Week number 500, at least I think it is. In the early days I did not keep accurate track of all of my submissions. That said, five hundred JOWs is ‘about’ the right number. I started doing a JOW way back in the Twentieth Century. I really started getting regular with my postings almost ten years ago.
My JOW this week is fishing related. Note that I call it ‘fishing’ not ‘catching’. My friend Craig and I stayed down in Galveston with the Smiths last weekend. We had an absolutely great time, but despite all our best efforts we did not catch fish one. What we did get was a wonderful time.
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
+++++++
I found this clever little joke; it took me a moment to understand it.
What do you call a small fish magician?
A magic carpet. - Matt Bolger
===================
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see your fishing license, boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son,” said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, I don’t think he has one."
===================
Bill and Bubba rent a boat and go fishing. They find a real hot spot and catch a lot of fish .
After they return to shore, Bill turns to Bubba and says, "I hope you marked the spot where we caught all those fish."
"Yes, I marked an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot," Bubba replies.
"You idiot. How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
===================
Due to budget cuts the California Highway Patrol and the California Department of Fish and Game will be merged to form a new department: California Department of Fish and CHiPs.
----------------------------
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded motorist gladly accepted the monk's offer.
That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.
Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip monk."
=========
And finally, remember:
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.
If you teach him how to fish
He will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
My JOW this week is fishing related. Note that I call it ‘fishing’ not ‘catching’. My friend Craig and I stayed down in Galveston with the Smiths last weekend. We had an absolutely great time, but despite all our best efforts we did not catch fish one. What we did get was a wonderful time.
Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
+++++++
I found this clever little joke; it took me a moment to understand it.
What do you call a small fish magician?
A magic carpet. - Matt Bolger
===================
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see your fishing license, boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son,” said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, I don’t think he has one."
===================
Bill and Bubba rent a boat and go fishing. They find a real hot spot and catch a lot of fish .
After they return to shore, Bill turns to Bubba and says, "I hope you marked the spot where we caught all those fish."
"Yes, I marked an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot," Bubba replies.
"You idiot. How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
===================
Due to budget cuts the California Highway Patrol and the California Department of Fish and Game will be merged to form a new department: California Department of Fish and CHiPs.
----------------------------
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded motorist gladly accepted the monk's offer.
That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.
Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip monk."
=========
And finally, remember:
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.
If you teach him how to fish
He will sit in a boat all day and drink beer.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sprung JOW #499
The other morning I awoke to a lovely day. The air was warm, humid, and filled with the fecund spells of new growth. Trees were showing their buds and wild flowers were suddenly visible all along the grassy medians beside the roads. Then I began to sneeze. Yes, springtime has come to Texas.
I start this week’s JOW with increasingly cheesy quotes, a familiar set of letters, and a brace of shots from the matrimonial wars.
The Earth Laughs in Flowers - Ralph Waldo Emerson
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done. - Anonymous gardener
A perfect spring day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. - James Dent
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Rodney Dangerfield
- Since spring is a time of renewal I thought it appropriate to sent this pair of letters out again. The exchange has been verified by Swopes.
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State ofPennsylvania This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division
Here is the response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
And finally, a couple of spousal warfare jokes
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”
To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”
----------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "I think my wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I listened to her for three hours. You want my advice?"
“Yes, Rabbi.”
"Take the poison."
I start this week’s JOW with increasingly cheesy quotes, a familiar set of letters, and a brace of shots from the matrimonial wars.
The Earth Laughs in Flowers - Ralph Waldo Emerson
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done. - Anonymous gardener
A perfect spring day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. - James Dent
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud. - Rodney Dangerfield
- Since spring is a time of renewal I thought it appropriate to sent this pair of letters out again. The exchange has been verified by Swopes.
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State ofPennsylvania This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division
Here is the response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/05 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
And finally, a couple of spousal warfare jokes
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.
The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”
To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”
----------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "I think my wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I listened to her for three hours. You want my advice?"
“Yes, Rabbi.”
"Take the poison."
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Once again the JOW will be a mixed bag of stuff as no central theme came to mind.
First I have one for Bil- the words to an old ditty.
It was early last September
As near as I remember
I was walking down the street entipsyfied
No one was I disturbing as I laid down by the curbing
And a Pig came up and lay down by my side
As I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thoughts I cannot utter
A lady passing by was heard to say
“You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses”
And the Pig got up and slowly walked away.
Here are some random animal facts:
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Who does this sort of research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Glad I don’t. I have dogs.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
================================
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said in a loud voice, “You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a wealthy young widow who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard. You'll have to drive her around in her Mercedes-Benz. Because she wants her attendant to look good she will supply all of your clothes. Meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the widow on her overseas holiday trips.”
The man, just plain wide-eyed, said, “you’ve got to be kidding me!'
The social worker said, “Yeah, well... you started it!'
==============================
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Don’t mess with old folks.
=========================
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind, people continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee.”
=============================
A Priest was being honored on his last day in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. Later I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician.’In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
First I have one for Bil- the words to an old ditty.
It was early last September
As near as I remember
I was walking down the street entipsyfied
No one was I disturbing as I laid down by the curbing
And a Pig came up and lay down by my side
As I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thoughts I cannot utter
A lady passing by was heard to say
“You can tell a man who boozes
By the company he chooses”
And the Pig got up and slowly walked away.
Here are some random animal facts:
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Who does this sort of research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Glad I don’t. I have dogs.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
================================
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said in a loud voice, “You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a wealthy young widow who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard. You'll have to drive her around in her Mercedes-Benz. Because she wants her attendant to look good she will supply all of your clothes. Meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the widow on her overseas holiday trips.”
The man, just plain wide-eyed, said, “you’ve got to be kidding me!'
The social worker said, “Yeah, well... you started it!'
==============================
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
Don’t mess with old folks.
=========================
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind, people continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee.”
=============================
A Priest was being honored on his last day in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. Later I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician.’In fact, I had the honor of being the very first person to go to him for confession."
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
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