All Dad JoW #1125

As my poor children will attest, I love DAD Jokes. They are mostly short, bad puns and silly riddles. What’s the difference between a dad joke and a bad joke? The direction the first letter faces.  This week is exclusively composed of Dad Jokes.  Forgive me.

 

“Dad, I’m hungry!”

“Hello, hungry, I’m dad.”

 

What do you call a beehive without an exit? UnBeeLeaveable!

 

Why is the letter A like a flower? Because a “b” comes after it!

 

What did the guard shout when a pea broke out of prison? “Escapea!”

 

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother… Sudden Lee.

 

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.

 

It hurts me to say this, but … I have a sore throat.

 

What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

 

What is the opposite of ladies fingers? Mentos

 

Finally my winter fat has gone… Now, I have spring rolls.

 

My new sweater had a problem with static so I returned it. They gave me a new one free of charge.

 

My son knocked a picture of himself off the shelf.
He looked devastated. I told him, “Don’t worry about it, champ. Pick yourself up”.

 

How does a squid go into battle? Well-Armed

 

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality

 

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

 

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much. I told them, “Just you wait!”

 

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest…that’s just how I roll.

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer

What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes? Still no-eye deer

 

Why is dark spelled with a ‘k’ and not a ‘c’? Because you can’t ‘c’ in the dark!

 

What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

 

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a MasterCard? Because his Visa didn’t work.

 

My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

 

The best gift I ever received was a broken drum. You can’t beat that.

 

Who is the loneliest billionaire? Alone musk.

 

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open Mike night!

 

I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD. It was here a minute ago.

 

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt? Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

 

I asked 10 people what LGTBQ stood for… I couldn’t get a straight answer!

 

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn. Remains to be seen.

 

My son got angry when I told him “Sky is the limit for you”.
He wants to be an astronaut.

 

I agree you should not be disrespectful to cheese… Who am I to dis-a-brie?

 

Did you hear about the cheese that’s been working out? Dude’s shredded

 

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

 

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

 

Friend: “Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Me: “Brochure”

 

Whoever stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy.

 

I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

 

I finally got around to watching that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

 

Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different shirt every half an hour.
Me: Wait. I can change.

 

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine: we just get better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar.

 

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

My therapist told me I have problems with verbalizing my emotions. I can’t say I’m surprised.

 

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus. That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

 

What do you call a typo on a headstone? A grave mistake.

 

I named my dog “Five miles.” So that I could say, “I am going to walk 5 miles now.”

 

What group of people never get angry? Nomads.

 

How do you get a farm girl to like you? A tractor.

 

I wasn’t expecting to be diagnosed as color blind. It really came out of the purple.

 

The guy who stole my diary died yesterday. My thoughts are with his family.

 

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.

 

I’m an expert at picking leaves and heating them in water. It’s my special tea.

 

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying? Are you having a Crisis?

 

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but graphing is where I draw the line.

 

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off

 

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.”

 

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”

Wife: whatever means necessary.

Me: No it doesn’t.

  

And finally, mercifully

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. “All of a sudden, the poor thing started running around the car as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he finally just dropped to the ground right in front of me.” I gasped,

“Oh no. Was he dead?”

Dad shook his head. “No, he just ran out of gas.” 

 

 

Gassy JOW #1124

 I was gone last week on a Florida vacation.  I like to travel.  I got a big map for my wall and I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I drove our 2400 miles in the middle of the highest gas prices ever.  I did notice some changes.  When you put your credit card in a fuel pump it now asks for the make, model and year of your car, as well as your annual salary. After a brief wait, the message comes back: “Your loan has been approved. You may fill up.”

Here are a few jokes about the price of fuel.

 

I did get some gas on my trip for only $2.99. Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

 

I never thought I would spend more money getting to COSTCO than I do shopping at COSTCO.

 

A sign on a gas pump read: “Why buy gasoline in small quantities? Get full tank on the weekly payment plan.”

 

Some stations had a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K.

 

There was a sign at one station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.' After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

 

Two bums were sitting on a park bench and one says: “I had it all…nice wife, a house in the ‘burbs, a luxury car…and then I went to the gas station for a fill-up.”

 

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices.
His vehicles run on fear.

 

With the price of fuel, it might be cheaper to mail your car.

Yesterday I took my wife to a real expensive store where we can’t afford anything – just to dream a little – it was a gas station.

 

Lots of folks at a gas station the other day – no one buying anything, everyone was “just browsing.” I talked to one guy who was buying something for his wedding anniversary. At first he was going to get jewelry but then he said he had decided to really splurge for this anniversary and get a full tank of gas.

 

Gas costs so much a local station now has grief counselors on staff to help customers.

 

My wife and I are so excited.  Our loan was just approved!  We can get our tank of gas this afternoon!

 

Gas is more expensive than beer.  Drink, don’t drive.

 

The bright side of high gas prices is that you have an excuse now for not visiting in-laws.  “We’d love to come, honestly…but the money is really tight right now…maybe when gas is below $5 a gallon, OK?”

 

Why do gas prices end with 9/10 of a penny?

It just makes cents.

 

Chinese takeout: $11.77.

Price of gas to get there: $8.90.

Making it all the way home and realizing that you forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

 

Here are some jokes about travelling.

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't tell me where.  I have no idea where This is going

 

My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels."

"That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks.

"She wants to come with me," the guy replies.

 

The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good…It was a little plane.

A couple of Russian jokes.

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

 

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I'm learning Hebrew, comrade”, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham”, replies the old man.
“How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
“I already speak Russian."

 

And finally a few ‘You might be a redneck’ jokes from Woody

·        You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

·        You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

·        You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

·        You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

·        The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

·        You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

·        You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night

·        Your prom offered day care.

 

And finally, on a related note

 

Two good ol’ boys in a Mississippi trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,  “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?”

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even.”

 

Political JOW #1123

 

Today is Election Day, or rather primary day, which in my one-party county is essentially the same thing.  I am reluctant to make jokes about politicians – too many of them get elected.  However my friend, Dick sent me some stuff about PJ O’Rourke, a wonderful writer who recently passed away.   Armed with pithy one-liners and a slashing style, Mr. O’Rourke worked in the tradition of H.L. Mencken, targeting hypocrisy, pomposity and contradiction wherever he found it.  It’s fair to say that P.J.’s writing — or at least the style of biting satire that made him famous — simply wouldn’t fly today. Sometimes, it didn’t even fly then. 

Some examples:

“By loudly denouncing all bad things — war and hunger and date rape — liberals testify to their own terrific goodness.  It’s a kind of natural aristocracy, and the wonderful thing about this aristocracy is that you don’t have to be brave, smart, strong or even lucky to join it, you just have to be liberal.”

 

He closely identified with ordinary Americans. “We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side.” 

 

P.J. O'Rourke was in a group of correspondents who during the 1991 Gulf War wound up at a staging area where a young lieutenant told them that if there was a poison gas attack that night, they should reach for their gas masks before they shucked off their sleeping bags. ‘It's more important for you to breathe, she said, than to be fully clothed.’ P.J. told her, ‘you say that because you're young.’

Some of his observations.

“I have only one firm belief about the American political system, and that is this: God is a Republican and Santa Claus is a Democrat.”

 

 “The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”

 

“When a government controls both the economic power of individuals and the coercive power of the state ... this violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all the money and the people with all the guns be the same people.”

 

“Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad economic thinking.”

 

“If we want the whole world to be rich, we need to start loving wealth. In the difference between poverty and plenty, the problem is the poverty, not the difference. Wealth is good.”

 

“One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it’s remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver’s license.”

 

“It’s better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money.”

 

 

 

‘Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.’

 

 “The collegiate idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it.”

 

“Fretting about overpopulation, is a perfect guilt-free—indeed, sanctimonious—way for ‘progressives’ to be racists.”

 

“Many reporters, when they go to work in the nation’s capital, begin thinking of themselves as participants in the political process instead of glorified stenographers.”

 

“The good news is that, according to the leftist, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to them, you’re rich.”

 

“If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.”

 

“Rich people don’t like to be in the military. The shoes are ugly, and the uniforms itch.”

 

“If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it’s free.”

 

“Politicians are always interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.”

 

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crab grass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then get elected and prove it.”

 

“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys” 

 

Some other political jokes

Biden is really getting tough with Vladimir Putin. Biden’s started wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. 

 

A frightened Russian goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

~~~~~~

We should have known communism was doomed from the beginning; there were all those red flags.

======

 

A politician was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.

A few final short jokes

·         A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.

·         The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!

·         What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

·         If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

And in conclusion

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?”

“Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”