Big Fat JOW #1208

I hope you all had as fine a Thanksgiving as I did.  One of the highlights of the day was seeing 77-year-old Dolly Pardon in a cheerleader outfit at halftime of the Dallas Cowboy’s game.  At first, I did not realize it was Dolly.  I thought it was maybe one of the Dallas cheerleaders from the last time the Cowboys won a Super Bowl.  I thoroughly enjoyed the Thanksgiving feast though it came at the cost of a few extra pounds – totally worth it.  My jokes this week start with poking fun the large segment of our population.

 

Why aren’t fat jokes socially acceptable?

It’s never nice to make fun at anyone’s expanse.

 

What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?

Fat people jokes.

 

I was able to burn 1200 calories in just 30 minutes – I left my pizza in the oven too long.

 

Why are drug dealers now selling LSD as the best weight loss medication? No one is going to cross a fire-breathing dragon blocking the refrigerator.

 

I suppose there are people who can pass up free guacamole, but they're either allergic to avocado or too joyless to live.

 

It has been said that the idea of accepting overweight people has been embraced by the wider community.

 

I looked at the Weight Watchers website yesterday.  They asked if I’d accept cookies.  Trick question?

 

In a way, gluttony is an athletic feat - a stretching exercise.

 

She had a body for sin.  Unfortunately, that sin was gluttony.

 

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony.  But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

 

June is Pride month.  Apparently, November is Gluttony month.

 

Gluttony and Lust are the only sins that abuse something that is essential to our survival.

 

What do you call a man who became fat from eating too much McDonald's?

Big Max

 

These days, to me, going clubbing simply means getting a sandwich.

 

It’s better to never tell jokes about fat people. They never work out.

 

Word of the Day:  Cenosillicaphobia: the fear of an empty glass of beer.

 

Why did obese Romans prefer loose clothes? Because in Roman Numerals L is bigger than XL.

 

What do you have after eating too much alphabet soup?

A large vowel movement.

 

A woman tells her doctor she can’t help being overweight. Her parents, siblings and children are all overweight because it runs in the family. The doctor responds by saying “I seriously doubt anyone is running in your family.”

 

Enough with the weighty humor.

 

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”
“My grandfather lived to be an old man,” Johnny replies.
“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.
“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own business.”

 

There is a store called Forever 21.  Is that where vampires shop?

 

Seeking one night stand.  Possibly two because I have two lamps.

 

One man’s cougar is another man’s grandmother.

 

I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.

 

If we keep making so much toilet paper, we are going to wipe ourselves out.

 

I have mixed drinks about feelings

 

Tradition:  Peer pressure from dead people

 

If you get locked out of your car, try talking to it, because communication is key.

 

If life closes one door, just open it up again.  That’s how doors work

 

Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds because they don’t know the words?

 

You cannot run though a campground.  You can only ran because it is past tents.

 

Two mafia members are walking through the woods, late at night
The first guy says to the other: "I'm gonna be honest, this place is scaring the hell out of me"
The second guy chuckles and says "You're scared? I gotta walk back through here alone!"

 

I do not understand why women love cats.  Cats are independent.  They do not listen. They do not come when you call them in.  They like to stay out all night and when they are home, all they want to do is be left alone and sleep.

So, basically, every quality that women hate in men they love in cats.

 

How come John isn’t at work today?

He’s in the hospital.

Wow.  I saw him dancing at the club with some chick just last night.

Apparently so did his wife.

 

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

·         I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

·         The muffler factory was just exhausting.

·         I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

·         I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

·         I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

·         The paper shop folded.

·         Pool maintenance was too draining.

·         I got fired from the cannon factory.

·         And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

 

And finally

The leader of the vegetarian society just couldn’t control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So, one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

“Isn’t that something,” says the leader “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”

Thanksgiving JOW #1207

 It's already Thanksgiving again, because time flies — even if turkeys don't.  I love Thanksgiving primarily because I get to see family I often do not see during the year.  I do have to be careful, however.  Apparently, the phrase ‘Look how big you’re getting!” should only be directed to the youngsters.  Of course, after Thanksgiving comes the dreaded Black Friday. I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.  I hope all of you can have a nice Thanksgiving feast with friends and family.

 

People tell me that cooking is easy, but it’s not easier than not cooking.

 

If things go wrong with Thanksgiving dinner, don't lose your head. The turkey already did that for you.

 

Walmart has a special promotion in California this week.  Free turkeys if you can outrun security.

 

I shot my first-ever turkey for Thanksgiving this year. It sure scared everyone in the grocery store, though.

 

A guy checked into rehab the day after Thanksgiving. As it turns out, he just couldn’t quit cold turkey.

 

A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.

 

This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner. I said, “Why? Is it broken?”

 

I think my favorite Thanksgiving food is pie, but some people say that’s irrational.  (Math joke)

 

One Thanksgiving morning, a farmer walks into his house with a turkey under his arm. “I’m here with the pig,” he says.

“That’s a turkey,” his wife says.

The man answers, “I wasn’t talking to you."

Thanksgiving riddles

Q: What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for one day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

 

Q: How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?
A: Only one, but you have to really squeeze him in there.

 

Q: If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be most famous for?
A: Their age.

 

Q: What can never, ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: Thanksgiving breakfast.

 

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? 

A: The G

 

Q: What are turkeys thankful for on Thanksgiving?
A: Vegans.

 

Concerned that he might have put on a few pounds, a husband exited the bathroom and asked, “Do you think my chin is getting fat?”

His wife smiled lovingly and replied, “Which one?”

 

A company gave out Thanksgiving turkeys to retired employees. All they have to do is stop by the plant to pick them up. A few days before the holiday, a retiree called to ask, “What time do the turkeys get in?”

The receptionist, without thinking, responded, “Everyone starts at eight.”

Some non-thankful jokes.

On the way to meet her husband at a restaurant, she realized that she didn’t have her phone and immediately panicked. Her husband saw the phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. When he arrived, the wife checked her texts. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” 

 

How is a wife like bacon?
– They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.

 

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

 

One night as a mother was putting my 2 1/2-year-old daughter to bed, she saw a bright full moon in the sky. Mom let her look at the moon for a minute and then asked, “Who made the moon?”

“God,” came her reply.

“And the stars?” she asked.

Again, the answer was, “God.”

She continued with a few more questions: Who made the trees, the flowers, etc. Finally, she asked, “Who made Daddy?”

She said, “Grandma.”

 

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings. Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

 

“Ever have one of those days when you feel everyone is out to get you?” She smiled and replied, “I take medication for that.”

 

Questionable safety note on a hedge trimmer: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.” 

A few words that we need to invent.

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser. 

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. 

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. 

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text. 

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes. 

 

And finally

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?
Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology-based approach?
Karen: At last, a sensible approach.
Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?
Karen: it’s Cancer.
Doctor: Well, what a coincidence.

 

Tardy JOW #1206

 Last week I was early and hasty because I was going on a little one-week vacation to the Smoky

Mountains.  This week I am a bit tardy for the same reason.  That gave me my theme: tardiness.

And if any of you are interested in the burgeoning entertainment cluster of the

Gatlinburg/Pidgeon Forge Tennessee area, let me know and I will forward you my writeup.  

Here are my jokes of the week.

 

What's the difference between having a latte and being late.

Whether or not you have time for ‘t’

 

What did the guy who got fired for always being late say?

It was just a matter of time.

 

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Employee: That it's only Wednesday

 

Me: Sorry for being late, I was having some computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my laptop.

 

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

 

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, eight minutes late for the second, and four minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

 

A physics professor decided to give a student individual lessons as punishment for always being late. He was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started.

“Remember”, the professor said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, the student dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.
“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?” he asked.
“Well, it’s about time.”

 

Boss: You're four hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.
Boss: That's 20 feet.   It shouldn't take you more than five seconds!

 

What's ironic about being late to your Optometrist appointment?

They can't see you.

 

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend’s wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

 

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.
The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”
“What are you doing?” the cop asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”
Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”
“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.
“How old are you?” the cop inquired.
“I’m 22, Officer.”
“And the girl—how old is she?”
The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

 

And finally:

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.  His wife and son had already left and settled in the States, and at last he was able to go and join them.
On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.
"What is this?" he asks.
"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the great hero that fought for the rights of the people in our country, and I'm bringing him with me to remind myself to continue that battle in America!"
The guard lets him through, and he is able to go on the plane to America. Once he arrives, the American border guard goes through his luggage and finds the bust of Lenin.
"What is this?" he asks.
"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* this! This is Vladimir Lenin, the fiendish monster who destroyed my beautiful homeland! I am bringing him with me to remind myself the mistakes of the past."
The guard lets him through, and he is able to go into the country, where he takes a taxi to the house his wife and son are staying. After reuniting with them, the son sees the bust of Lenin, and asks, "Papa, who is this?"
The man smiles and says, "my son, don't ask me *who* this is, ask me *what* this! This, my son, is 18 pounds of gold!"

 

Hasty JOW #1205

 

I had to kinda throw this JOW together due my grueling schedule of parties, plays, hunting, and vacation trips.  You may remember a few of these jokes; or perhaps are suppressing them.  Anyway, here are a few jokes

Let me start with some quick ones.

 

·         What falls, but never needs a bandage? The rain.

·         I was going to tell you a joke about boxing but I forgot the punch line.

·         Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.

·         What did the dirt say to the rain? If you keep this up, my name will be mud!

·         Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals.

·         I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

·         Why did the cow jump over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.

·         What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

·         We know why the turtle crossed the road.  To get to the Shell station.

·         Who picks up guide dog poop?

·         I no longer ‘seize the day’.  It’s more like poking it with a stick.

 

 

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on Mars, but break up because of long distance, she'd be your....Space X.

 

English is strange.  The three ‘c’s in Pacific Ocean are all pronounced differently.  It’s a wonder any of us can read.

 

I sometimes use big words that I don’t know the meaning of to make me seem more perpendicular   

 

An inspirational quote:

Believe in yourself, even if no one else does - Big Foot.

 

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish and you feed him for the rest of his life.

 

Why does everyone associate heavy metal with Satan.  For all we know could like cool jazz.

 

One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

 

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender to recommend a drink.

The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, they named a drink after you.”
“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”

 

A man comes home after a hard day’s work and opens the refrigerator
to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.
“What are you doing in my fridge?” the man asks.
The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, “Isn’t this a Westinghouse?”
“Um, yes,” the man replies. “It is.”
“Well then,” the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, “I am twying to west.”

 

Two golfers and a priest went out to play a few rounds
The first golfer missed a key swing.
“Damn, I missed!” he said.
The priest scolded him, saying that God would punish him for taking the Lord’s name in vain.
However, it happened again.
“Damn, I missed!”
The priest tutted and reminded him to keep the Lord’s name holy.
Finally, the golfer flubbed again.
“Damn, I missed!”
The heavens opened up and a massive finger pointed through the clouds, igniting a lightning bolt that crackled and blasted… the priest.
As the golfers looked at the dead priest and then looked up at the sky in confusion, a profound voice echoed from above:
“DAMN, I MISSED!”

 

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

 

An engineer who was unemployed time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”
The nurse walks in carrying box #22.
Doctor: "Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, a few thoughts about something I recently discovered.  People talk about a billion a lot.  I think we need to put that number into perspective. 

 

A thousand seconds is 16 minutes

A million seconds is 11 days.

A billion seconds is almost 31 years.

A billion is a lot.