Dad Joke JOW #900

A visit by my youngest son and his family got me thinking about families in general.  My jokes this week are primarily Dad jokes.  As my poor children will attest, I just love Dad jokes.  Dad jokes are in and of themselves an art form. The first step is that they have to be bad. They can’t be too crass or “adult.” They have to also be the sort of thing that you should’ve seen coming, but somehow didn’t. And they’re all a little embarrassing to laugh at.  Properly used, Dad jokes can be a useful tool in embarrassing and annoying your kids.  Here are a few from my extensive repertoire.

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Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!

Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!

On all of my medical forms growing up my dad wrote 'red' for my blood type.

"Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”

         I have inflicted many of these on my poor kids.

“Dad, I’m hungry.”  “Hello Hungry, I’m Dad.”

'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.

A woman is on trial for smashing her husband’s guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'

What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1

I gave all my dead batteries away, free of charge.

The Energizer Bunny just got arrested.  He was charged with battery.

When you have a bladder infections urine trouble.

There’s a new type of broom; it’s sweeping the nation.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?  No guts.

A skeleton walked into a bar looked into his empty rib cage and told the bartender.  “Get me a beer… and a mop.”

Switzerland is a nice country and the flag is a big plus.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

What do you call a cheese that is by itself?  Provolone

What do you call a cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho Cheese.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind it's tearable.

What do you call a person with no body left except a nose?  Nobody knows

What's brown and sticky? A stick

Why can’t your hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?  Because the P is silent.

Do they now call prison mug shots ‘cellfies’?

What did the detective molecule say to the suspect molecule?  “I’ve got my ion you.”

I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'

Pat sent me this physics joke

In the general relativistic sense, we find that the dynamic friction of the tensor light cone is actually negative, creating a local convergence of photons, which cause the stars at night to be big and bright… especially deep in the heart of Texas.

And finally from a wise old friend

After being married for 50 years, the old man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 12-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a big home, a fancy car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV; but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

His wife was a very reasonable woman... She told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 12-inch black and white TV  

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

Semi-coherent JOW #899

I really don’t have a coherent theme for this week’s set of jokes.  Of course, most of them are scarcely coherent in the first place.  There are a few leftovers and repeats along with a dog bit.

We got a new dog, an adorable Labradoodle puppy called Honor.  We have had dogs for 25 years now, and you sort of get used to having them around.  I do welcome the genuine love and enthusiastic support they give me but it can get tiring.  Example:

Dog: WAT YA DOING?

Me: Nothing.  I just stood up

Dog: WHERE GO?  CAN I COME?

Me: I am just getting a drink of water.

Dog: CAN I COME?

Me: Sure but I am just going into the kitchen and coming right back.

Dog: I COME TOO!  WAT YA DOING?

Me: I need to open the door.

Dog: I HELP!

Me: You are in front of the door.  Move, please

Dog: I HELP!

Me: sigh.

Dog: WHERE GOING?

Me: I am going to sit right back down where I was sitting a few seconds ago.

Dog: CAN I COME?

Me: sure.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

My wife asked me what I had was going to do today.

“Nothing”, I told her.

“You did that yesterday.”
“I wasn’t finished.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Physicists have discovered along with ‘Matter’, ‘Dark Matter’, and ‘Antimatter’ the existence of ‘Doesn’t Matter’ which apparently has no effect on the universe whatsoever.

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A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

 The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

I had some inputs after my Men versus Women JOW.

Do you know why a woman’s work is never done?  They don’t get up early enough.

Differences between men and women.

    While eating out and the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 even though the bill is only $22.50. None will have anything smaller, and none will admit they want change back. When girls get the bill, out come the calculators.
      With money a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 dollar item she doesn't want.
       In a bathroom a man has 5 items. A toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Holiday Inn. A women has on average 337 items in her bathroom. A man would not be able to identify most of these Items.
      In arguments a woman has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
       Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking men kick cats.
       A women worries about the future until she gets a husband. A husband doesn't worry about the future until he gets a wife.
       A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, and read a book. A man will get dressed up for weddings and funerals.
       A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.

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A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed a beautiful young lady.  Being a smooth operator he drifted over and chatted her up.  "Hello there and what is your name?"

"Hello," replied woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"

"I'm Pat."

The two share some drinks and are get along famously with each other.   

Finally Stacey turns and says, "Pat, do you want to come over to my house tonight?"

“Sure!" replies Pat, who is confident in his skill with picking up beautiful women. "Let's go!"

At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks, "Is this your brother?"

"No, it isn't, Pat!" Stacey giggles.

"Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. 

She says,"No, silly!"

"Then, who is it?"

Stacey replies, "That's me before my operation!"

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Three men all showed up together at the gates of heaven.  St. Peter asked them to tell him how they came to die.

The first man, a big burly fellow, started.  “Well, St. Peter you see, I figured that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in bed. I got home and, and sure enough, my wife was in bed and I had obviously interrupted them, but her lover had hidden himself.  I searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer hit him with it until he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am.”

The next guy came up and started his story. “St Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 9th floor of my apartment building. Today I slipped and I sailed over the rail but I caught myself on the balcony below me. I was glad when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But I landed in a big bush that broke my fall. But then the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.”

It was now the third guy’s turn.

“I was in the refrigerator.”

Women versus Men JOW #898

One of my recurring JOW themes is the eternal battle between men and women.  Right now I think women have the men on the run. Women want equality, men want to know what the hell's going on!! Can you imagine what the pundits would say about the ‘times up’ movement if Hilary had run a half-way competent campaign and we had a female president?  By now I am sure there would have been federal laws mandating burning at the stake as punishment for sexual harassment.   I will start this set of jokes with a brief essay I found about women and men.

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home" call from a friend after a snowy drive home.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They are in the front row at PTA meetings.  They work to get their children in the right schools and get their family the right health care. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They stick a love note in their children's lunch box. They go without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman's touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

Men on the other hand are mostly just good at picking up heavy things

(The author of this essay did not want to give her name.)

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In order for a man to interest a woman he has to be smart, funny, complementary, strong, compassionate, caring, romantic, prosperous, and generous.

In order for a woman to interest a man all she needs to do is show up in a sexy outfit with a six pack of beer.

………………..

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.
“””””””””””””

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.  Although when we were on the Navajo reservation we learned that sometimes when the man opened the car door for the woman the car was doing about sixty.

Two quick riddles:

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

^^^^^^^^^^^

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

<<<<<<<<<<< 

A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man replies, "Boobs!"

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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Men see better than they listen, so women wear makeup.

Women listen better than they see, so men lie.

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PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

++++++++++++

Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.

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Jane: "Where are all the kind, considerate, loving men who can show their feelings?"
Jill: "They already have boyfriends."

Why dogs are better than men

Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you are gone.
You can train a dog.     
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs understand what "NO" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
Dogs are color blind.
Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

Why dogs are better than women

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't weep.

Dogs don’t mind flatulence.

Dogs love red meat.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs aren't catty.

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An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
      
      The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
      
      The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."