I like jokes and I like history. Most countries are a bit shy about sharing their humor and when they do, it often does not translate well. Even so I found there were jokes that were in vogue even within Nazi Germany. I got to looking around and found others from places normally considered humorless such as Singapore. So here are some unlikely jokes from unusual sources.
==================
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line he comes across a man who isn't saluting.
"Why aren't you saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," comes the answer. "I'm not crazy!"
That joke may not be a screamer, but it was told quite openly along with many others about Hitler and his henchmen in the early years of the Third Reich, according to Herzog. But by the end of the war, a joke could get you killed. A Berlin munitions worker, identified only as Marianne Elise K, was convicted of undermining the war effort "through spiteful remarks". A fellow worker overheard her telling a joke and reported her to the authorities. She was executed in 1944 for telling this one:
Hitler and Göring are standing on top of Berlin's radio tower. Hitler says he wants to do something to cheer up the people of Berlin.
"Why don't you just jump?" suggests Göring.
****
There was even concentration camp humor in the early days of the Reich.
Two men meet. "Nice to see you're free again. How was the concentration camp?"
"Great! Breakfast in bed, a choice of coffee or chocolate, and for lunch we got soup, meat and dessert. And we played games in the afternoon before getting coffee and cakes. Then a little snooze and we watched movies after dinner."
The man was astonished: "That's great! I recently spoke to Meyer, who was also locked up there. He told me a different story."
The other man nods gravely and says: "Yes, well that's why they've picked him up again."
==============
The travails of the Sesame Street gang suggest that organizing even light entertainment the Middle East is tough. Producers of the beloved American children’s program were planning to launch an Israeli version that would promote mutual understanding between young Palestinians and Jews. The idea was to have Palestinian and Jewish "muppet" puppets appear in the same show, chatting amiably using a limited vocabulary of words that sound similar in Hebrew and Arabic.
Alas, the Palestinian muppeteers did not want their muppets to live on the same street as the Jewish muppets. Americans tried to act as mediators. If Jewish and Palestinian muppets could not live on the same street, should there not at least be a park where they could play together, they suggested? The Palestinians asked: "Who owns the park, Jews or Arabs?"
People in Singapore do have a sense of humor. Here is an example.
Q: How many Singaporeans does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: It depends, is the bulb in an opposition district?
A2: I don’t know, will this question come up in an exam?
Jokes at the expense of women were once a staple of comedians but today ridiculing men is far safer:
Q: How do you let your boyfriend know that you’ve had an orgasm?
A: Give him a telephone call.
But here is a joke about a woman, anyway. It’s okay, she is blonde.
Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Brandi again prays, "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
One again Brandi prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order!" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
And finally
Things can always be worse. I can’t think of anything worse than waking up after a night of hard drinking next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met them, or why they’re dead.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Cutting Back JOW #443
As some of you might have heard, HP did not make our revenue goals this quarter. Therefore we are all getting a pay cut until morale improves. What is really sad about this is that it is not the worst thing they could have done.
In the spirit of , hey, if we are going to save money, lets go all out, here are some proposed new policies.
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Now for something entirely different.—He said, She said.
He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
**
He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
**
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
**
He said. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said… They don't have time
**
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said. . . A widow.
**
He said… Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
**
He said… "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
She said ... "I'll miss you."
**
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
**
He said: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!
She said… I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!
**
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.
Don contributed this joke which I had never heard before.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors did not know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," as she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and
it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is -- sternum.
In the spirit of , hey, if we are going to save money, lets go all out, here are some proposed new policies.
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you get a 5% pay cut.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is
necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Now for something entirely different.—He said, She said.
He said. . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
**
He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
**
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
**
He said. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said… They don't have time
**
She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said. . . A widow.
**
He said… Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
**
He said… "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
She said ... "I'll miss you."
**
It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
**
He said: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours!
She said… I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!
**
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.
Don contributed this joke which I had never heard before.
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors did not know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," as she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and
it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is -- sternum.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Bank on it JOW #442
Andreas sent me some banker jokes. Hey, if I can do jokes about chemists and economists investment bankers should be easy. After all, they have reduced the economy to a joke.
But first, Mary Ellen has the best short joke of the year
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mommy', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Now for those banker jokes
• Financial Advisors are sleeping like babies – they wake up every hour and cry.
• Heard from an investment banker: “This crisis is worse than a divorce. I lost half of my belongings and am still married.”
• The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
• I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.
• A director decided to award a prize of $50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $10.
And Banker riddles.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.
Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four!
Q: Why do the banks never fire their top accountants?
A: Because they always threaten to take a job as investigators with the IRS.
Q: What do you say to the investor who lost a lot of money?
A: "Don't be sad; your money isn't lost. It just belongs to someone else now..."
Q: What does the AAA-rating of a bank stand for?
A: The executive council consists of Academics, Analysts and the other A**holes.
Q: What is optimism?
A: When an investment banker irons five fresh shirts on Sunday
Who would have ever thought there would be Icelandic Bank jokes
Q: What is the capitol of Iceland?
A: Oh, about $2.10 and sinking fast
Q: What do Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker have in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.
Q: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
A: Invest in an Icelandic bank
Japanese Banking Humor
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they crashed. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Finally, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
But first, Mary Ellen has the best short joke of the year
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mommy', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Now for those banker jokes
• Financial Advisors are sleeping like babies – they wake up every hour and cry.
• Heard from an investment banker: “This crisis is worse than a divorce. I lost half of my belongings and am still married.”
• The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.
• I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.
• A director decided to award a prize of $50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to $10.
And Banker riddles.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One of them lets the bulb drop, and the other one tries to sell it before it hits the floor.
Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four!
Q: Why do the banks never fire their top accountants?
A: Because they always threaten to take a job as investigators with the IRS.
Q: What do you say to the investor who lost a lot of money?
A: "Don't be sad; your money isn't lost. It just belongs to someone else now..."
Q: What does the AAA-rating of a bank stand for?
A: The executive council consists of Academics, Analysts and the other A**holes.
Q: What is optimism?
A: When an investment banker irons five fresh shirts on Sunday
Who would have ever thought there would be Icelandic Bank jokes
Q: What is the capitol of Iceland?
A: Oh, about $2.10 and sinking fast
Q: What do Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker have in common?
A: They both have frozen assets.
Q: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
A: Invest in an Icelandic bank
Japanese Banking Humor
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they crashed. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop. Finally, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Chemical JOW #441
I thought I would do some chemistry jokes this week. I know, chemistry is a never-ending source of humor; those wacky chemists are always cracking wise. That might be because she is doing some work with chemicals again. At any rate, here are some rather unusual jokes.
I like this one
Two chemists began chatting after the chemical convention
One wore a shirt saying 'Polar', the other, 'Non-polar’.
“Would you like to go out?” asked the male chemist.
“No,” she replied, “I just don't think the chemistry is right.”
***************************
Chemistry studies
A student comes into his lab class right at the end of the hour. Fearing he'll get an "F", he asks a fellow student what she's been doing.
"We've been observing water under the microscope. We're supposed to write up what we see." The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them.
The panic-stricken student hears the bell go off, opens his notebook and writes,
"During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H's as O's."
+++++++++++++++++++
At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand. "Never lick the spoon."
Three molecular chemistry jokes
Two molecules walk into a bar. One begins patting his pockets.
“Darn, I’m afraid I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure,” asked the other.
“Yes, I’m positive”
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"
Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."
-----------------------------------
Dr. Heisenberg (of Heisenberg’s Theory of Uncertainty fame) is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says: "Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".
……………………
Chemistry puns!
What do you do with dead chemists? Barium
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.
"Scale keeps forming inside the kettle", complained Tom, recalcitrantly.
Here is an one combining Norse theology and chemistry; you just can’t beat the old basics
Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
A: Thorium.
And one new, non-chemistry joke from Mary Ellen
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
I like this one
Two chemists began chatting after the chemical convention
One wore a shirt saying 'Polar', the other, 'Non-polar’.
“Would you like to go out?” asked the male chemist.
“No,” she replied, “I just don't think the chemistry is right.”
***************************
Chemistry studies
A student comes into his lab class right at the end of the hour. Fearing he'll get an "F", he asks a fellow student what she's been doing.
"We've been observing water under the microscope. We're supposed to write up what we see." The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them.
The panic-stricken student hears the bell go off, opens his notebook and writes,
"During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H's as O's."
+++++++++++++++++++
At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab. A student promptly raised his hand. "Never lick the spoon."
Three molecular chemistry jokes
Two molecules walk into a bar. One begins patting his pockets.
“Darn, I’m afraid I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure,” asked the other.
“Yes, I’m positive”
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"
Outside his buckyball home, one molecule overheard another molecule saying, "I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them."
-----------------------------------
Dr. Heisenberg (of Heisenberg’s Theory of Uncertainty fame) is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.
The cop says: "Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".
……………………
Chemistry puns!
What do you do with dead chemists? Barium
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.
"Scale keeps forming inside the kettle", complained Tom, recalcitrantly.
Here is an one combining Norse theology and chemistry; you just can’t beat the old basics
Q: What element is derived from a Norse god?
A: Thorium.
And one new, non-chemistry joke from Mary Ellen
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)