Non-Scary JOW #1153

 It is getting to be Halloween/Fall Festival/Dia de Muertos season.  I know a lot of topical jokes for the season, but most of them are just bad riddles.  I do have a few jokes for you in that genre before I shift to some short jokes I found funny.  I got a few responses to my request last week to forward things that are passed from the scene.  These were all car related

•             Stick shifts
•             Manual window cranks
•             The little wedge-shaped windows in the front windows.
•             Radios with push buttons for presets as the only ‘sound system’.
•             Paper maps.

 

An old witch showed up on her broom only to find all the young witches riding vacuum cleaners.

“What’s the matter?  Can’t any of you girls drive a stick?”

To which the Millennial witches replied, “Okay, Broomer.”

 ----

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

++++

There is a skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it actually happens. He has actually become quite famous and when a TV crew interviewed about the reason behind this ability, the skeleton finally disclosed his secret: he could feel the bad vibes in his bones.

~~~~

The historians had gathered for a party in Cairo after they had discovered a new mummy. The discovered mummy, on display at the party hall, suddenly woke up. Seeing the historians alarmed, the mummy said that he just wanted to listen to some music. The mummy said, "Please don't play jazz because my trom-bones are in a very bad shape. Could someone please put on some wrap music?"

>>>> 

A mosquito went into a clinic. The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. The mosquito said that he had a lot of problems; he was not happy with his life, he was not happy with the job he was doing. He was sad and had no motivation. The doctor listened to his problems and told him that he should really visit a therapist instead of a doctor. The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. I just came in because of the blood."

^^^^

I went to this haunted house for exploration. It was near the forest so the local guide warned me that I might find some animals there. Sure enough, there was a panda. When I offered it some food, I was taken aback because it suddenly started talking. Turned out that it was a ghost panda and it only ate bam-booooo!

`````

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, and his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

===

Even though I no longer smoke pot I like hanging out with friends who do.
They always have the best snacks.

 

Scientists have determined that if you drink more water, you will live longer.

But the extra time is spent peeing.

 

What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

 

Once you throw a paper airplane it's no longer.

Stationery

 

What’s a movie whose title got deeper the longer you watched?

The Titanic.

 

Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll.

 

I finally realized I could no longer keep my broken money making machine.

It just didn't make cents.

 

I asked a friend in Seattle if he could make a comparison between Washington and Florida.

He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.”

 

At my age I can no longer function without my glasses.

Especially when they are empty.

 

Life is like a nice, hot, bath.

The longer you're in it, the more wrinkles you'll get.

 

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

 

Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.

 

Have you ever seen how ducks fly in a "V" shape and one side is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

It's because there's more ducks on that side.

 

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

 

I've always wanted to make a joke about a herb. I will put it off no longer!

It is about thyme.

 

I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.

 

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

 

 If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

 

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why he his father didn't punish him?
LOUIE: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

And finally

A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours.  He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”

 

 

Them Changes JOW #1152

I got to thinking recently (always a dangerous thing) and realized that things have really changed in my lifetime.  I mean REALLY changed.  Things are very different than even the science fiction books I read 50+ years ago could have predicted, and not always in a good way. 

So this week I thought I would just list a few things that were once common and are now gone.  I hope you find these lost items amusing or at least interesting: 

            Long distance phone calls – these were a big deal back then.

            Busy signals – Sometimes you could not reach people

            Party lines – you had a special ring to let you know it was for your house

            Candy cigarettes – yeah, so you can get started early

Smoking being widely practiced and accepted – even though everyone knew it was bad

            Kids going out and playing outside until full dark

            Going barefoot in the summer

            Pay phones in general.  A local call was a dime.

            Library index cards

            Researching things in books at the library

            Hand written letters. Actually writing everything in cursive

            Typing pools – which were 100% female

            Telephone operators – also all female

Answering machines – These were a big advance

Dressing up to fly on an airplane.  And security was unobtrusive

            8 track tapes and the alternative Cassette tapes

            Record players with inserts for those little 45 records.

Transistor radios – way before Walkmans

AM radio in general.  It was very influential

Microwave ovens – Even TV dinners took half an hour to prepare

Burning leaves in the fall – leaving a wood smoke haze

Seat belts – I remember Dad having lap belts installed in the car.

Clothes lines – the original solar powered clothes dryer.

Having to watch TV shows when they were aired, or waiting 6 months for the rerun

            Network news that was only 30 minutes of unbiased reporting

TV stations going off air and showing that odd graphic with an Indian’s head

Black and white TV – We would go over to the neighbors to watch Bonanza

Fat people – sure there were overweight people, but nothing like today.

Daily newspapers including morning and afternoon editions.

Green stamps – you got them for buying groceries

 

I am glad some of those are gone.  Like they say, might be better or worse, but it sure is different.  If this tickles your memory you can send me some things that you remember that are gone now.

 

Okay, enough with the old stuff, here are a few actual jokes.

 

Randy Pausch is a renowned computer science professor, but that didn’t carry much weight with his mother. After he got his PhD, she introduced him to friends by saying, “This is my son. He’s a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”

======

“I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.”

<<<< 

What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh? Aloha.

^^^

One of the oddities of Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker. 

>>> 

You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.

~~~~

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.
I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

~~~~

When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. “Look at that. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf of-wheat design. I handed her the penny. Turning it over and over in her hand, she said,

“You know, I always thought they were made of copper.”

^^^

I just read something about weather in England:
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather'.
In order to no longer offend a sizable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather'-- partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

~~~~~
Scene: A sports store.

Customer: Do you have jogging shorts?

Salesman: We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going? —

+++++

There was a great actor who could no longer remember his lines, eventually no one would hire him.  After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is a most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply, and then say, ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’”
The actor is thrilled. All day long he practices his line over and over again. Finally, show time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”
The theater erupts with laughter. The actor goes offstage bewildered and sees the furious director.

“You damn fool!” cries the director.
“What happened?? I’m sure I didn’t forget my line!”

“No!” screams the director. “You forgot the rose!”

 

And finally.

I recently attended a showing of the musical The Hunchback of Notre Dame.  It is a great play, actually more of an opera, but it also left me with a couple of irresistible Hunchback jokes. I have forgotten the names of all the characters in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.  But Quasimodo rings a bell.  I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

~~~

What is brown and wrinkled and lives in a bell tower.

The lunch bag of Notre Dame

>>> 

Quasimodo’s brother called Semimodo came to visit him in the bell tower.  Semimodo wanted to ring the bells but he had crippled hands.  So he would rush up to the bells and run into them with his head, causing a deep ‘bong’.  One day, alas, he missed hitting the bell, and fell out of the tower to his death.  A crowd gathered around the poor man’s body, wondering who he might be.

One man looking at him exclaimed.

“I don’t know who he is but his face rings a bell.”

Another opined he must be from the bell tower because,

“He is a dead ringer for his brother.”

Tardy JOW #1151

This JOW is late.  About ten days late as I did not submit one last week.  We were on the road and I was having too much fun.  I have assembled some relatively longer jokes this week; too many jokes these days are brusque one-liners.  I am going to start with a couple of jokes about some old jokes.

 

A Horse Walks into a Bar... He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."

 

A bear walks into a bar... The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, "You look exhausted."
"Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking?"
"I'll have a glass of...” says the bear. He waits a painfully long moment before finishing, "...scotch."
"Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
"Don't you mean big pause?” asks the bear.
"Yeah, sorry. Like I said, it's been a rough day."

Two grammar jokes

As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He threatened the manager by saying, "If you try to do anything smart, you're fiction."

The manager was confused and asked him, "Don't you mean 'You are history'?"

The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay?"

+++

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.

---

 

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes!"
"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
"Didn't know how fast you could walk".

====

The wife and her husband took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up the car's gas tank and tires... She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked him, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
He responded, "Inflation."

~~~~~

After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo. When the others asked her what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all her kids would now be playing inside.

``````

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"
My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

***

A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries.
“Sounds great,” said the health-conscious boy. He ordered some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Wait a minute,” the boy said. “Those don’t look fat-free.”
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes.”

>>> 

Traveling recently, I stopped at a state welcome center to pick up a state map. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Then I spotted two employees and asked whether they had any.

“Sure,” said the first guy. “I’ll get you one.” As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, “We keep them in the storage room. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.” 

<<<< 

Two young salmon are swimming along one day. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! How's the water?"
The other two continue to swim in silence for a little while, until the first one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water?"

___

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time".

`````

A man was overly excited to fly for the first time...

As he sat in his seat, he could contain his excitement no longer and began saying "Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" over and over again.
Irritated, a stewardess comes over to him and says "Be silent!"
The man nods, and continues "Oeing, Oeing, Oeing..."

And finally, a philosophical joke that may make you think.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
"Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"