Cruisin' JOW #840

I am simply astonished at the ongoing riots by Leftists after their candidate lost the election.  I watched a young woman being interviewed with burning and rioting going on right behind her.  When asked why they were rioting she answered, without the slightest bit of irony, that they were demonstrating for ‘peace and justice.’  Peace – right; by battling the cops.  Another tearful woman went on nice little rant about how Trump is not her president.  “I did not vote for him, he does not understand me and my people, he holds our culture in contempt, and does not represent my values.”  Yup – that pretty much sums up how I felt for the last eight years.  Here is some advice for her: Suck it up buttercup - the Republic will endure.  Oh, by the way, I can no longer say that ‘I loathe Donald Trump.  Now I have to say, ‘I loathe President Donald Trump.’

Enough politics, here are some jokes. And thank God the election is over…

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Paul is being interrogated by the Russian government:

Govt. Official:  “If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?”

Paul: “Give it to Mother Russia.”

Govt. Official: “And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?”

Paul: “Give it to Mother Russia.”

Govt. Official: “And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?”

No reply.

Government official asks the question again.

And still not reply.

Finally he shouts: “Paul, why don’t you reply?”

Paul: “Because I have a sweater.”

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One Sunday a customer called wanting to buy a large aquarium from a pet store.

“And by the way, I’ve spent a lot of money at your store over the years,” he said.

“I think I should get a discount.”

“Only our owner can give a discount,” I explained, “and he won’t be in until tomorrow.”

When the customer said that he’d come in the next day, I asked him if there was anything else I could help him with.

“Sure,” he said. “Where is your store located?”

“”””””””””””””””””””

On a related note, I used to work for the Navy in San Diego.  Every year there was a big airshow at Miramar Naval Air Station and every year there were complaints about windows cracked from the low flying jets.

Our public relations office fielded one such call from a lady who informed them that the noise from our jets during the air show had put a big crack in her expensive plate glass window.

“Um, ma’am, the air show hasn’t been held yet.  It is not until next week,” explained the PR officer.

Long pause at the other end of the line.  “Oh, that is alright, I’ll just call back next week.”

******************

During a meeting, a company held a contest to name a new project.

As members of the management team read through the entries, the CEO picked one out and asked:

“Who knows what a phoenix is?”

A junior manager answered, “It’s the bird in Harry Potter.”

Damn Millennials…

+++++++++++++

A mother was in a shoe store and a little girl was playing on the floor. The mom kept asking her to stand up but the little girl would continue rolling around the floor. Finally she rolled under her mom's legs and looked up and said loudly: "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ON ANY PANTIES?"

The mom quickly dragged her out of the store.

Here is a story from a certain bartending waiter I know.

I was in a bar one night and a couple was breaking up. She was yelling at him because he didn't want to buy her another drink, because, lo and behold, she was drunk and making an ass out of herself. To finish her tirade she scream in a high pitch annoying voice: "...And every time we did it, I faked it!"

To which he looked at her deadpan and calmly asked:

"What makes you think I was doing you for your benefit?"

The bar went wild as she stormed out.

……………………..

It is the year 2066. Scientists in the space colony on Mars are testing the feasibility of using animals to navigate the natural landscape.

They decide to send a cat in a spacesuit with a radio collar and a camera to roam around and look for some of the old Mars rovers.

After a day, they notice the radio collar hasn’t been moving in several hours.

The scientists go over to the location of the radio collar and discover the remains of a cat that had been run over by one of the old Mars rovers.

Upon reviewing the camera footage, they discover something truly disconcerting:

Curiosity killed the cat.

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A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 50 Egyptian pounds.

The Egyptian man says: “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says: “How about 20?”

The Egyptian man says: “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says: “How about 10?”

The Egyptian man says: “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says: “Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they’re not worth it?”

The Egyptian man says: “Oh, the pills are worth it, my wife isn’t.”

Hospital JOW #839

I had a brief visit to the hospital recently.  Something about ‘election nausea’ – they say there is a lot of that going around.  They told me to avoid the media for a few days until it is all over but the whining.  I started with a hospital joke and then just sort of drifted along.  I do like the press release that I have at the end.  Of course you will have to read all of my other jokes to get to it….

^^^^^^^^^^^

A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, heavily sedated from a difficult surgical procedure.  A young student nurse appeared to check his vitals.

“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask, ‘are my testicle black?”

Embarrassed the young nurse replied, “I don’t know sir, I am just here to check your BP.”

He struggled up and repeated, “Are my testicles black?”

Concerned he might elevate his vitals from worry she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled away the covers.  Raising his gown she carefully checked his genitals.  She looked up and assured him, “There is nothing wrong with them, sir.”

The man pulled his off his mask and smiled at her.  “Thank you.  But …. Are My Test Results Back?”

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Ole came back unexpectedly from a trip.  He hears some commotion upstairs.  “Lena?” he called, I am home!” 

Going into the bedroom he sees his wife Lena naked, and panting on the bed.

“Lena, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, Ole, I think I am having a heart attack!”

Ole, races downstairs to the phone and starts to call for an ambulance.  The kids are in the kitchen crying.

“Dad! Uncle Sven’s upstairs! And he’s naked!”

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the closet door.

Sure enough, there was Sven, crouching in the closet, naked.

“What the hell, Sven!  Lena’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

++++++++++++++++++

A math professor was having problems with his sink so he called a plumber.  The plumber came over and quickly made the repairs.  The professor was happy until he got the bill. 

“How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck.”

“You could become a plumber like me and make big money, too.  Hey, we are looking for more plumbers.  Just make sure you tell them you only made it to the eighth grade.  They don’t like to hire educated people.”

So the professor took him up on his offer. Soon is is making three times what he was making as a mathmetician.  Life was good until the company decided that all their plumbers had to have at least a ninth grade education; so everyone is required to go to night school.

On the first night all the plumbers started with math class.  The teacher wanted to gauge the level of the class so he asked, “Who can come up to the board tell me how to get the area of a circle?”

Well, the math professor volunteers to answer.  He starts to write the formula when suddenly he realizes he has forgotten this basic equation!  All he can think to do is derive the formula.  He fills the board with complicated mathematics, lost in his work.  He fills the board with is computations and ends up with an answer: negative pi times the radius square.  That does not seem quite right so without saying a word he erases the board and begins again but ends up with the same incorrect answer.

The class is squiming by this time.   He looks out to his fellow plumbers and they are all whispering to him, “Switch the limits on the integral.”

And that reminded me of this one

NASA decided to send a new space probe up with a crew of two monkeys and an astronaut. 

The boarded the space craft and prepared for launch.  Mission control send an order: “Mission Control to Monkey One, do your stuff.”

The first monkey began typing on his terminal and the rocket took off.

Once they were in orbit NASA sent another message: “Mission Control to Monkey Two, do your stuff.”

The second monkey started typing like mad.  The ship oriented in the correct position and began taking experimental readings.

Two hours later Mission Control sent another message: “This is Mission Control to Astronaut…”

The astronaut interrupted, “I know, I know – feed the monkey and don’t touch anything.”

And finally, here is an election press release from The Pentagon.

— A poll of active duty and recently retired members of the armed services suggests that an overwhelming majority would prefer an armed overthrow of the government rather than see the election of either major party candidate. The poll was conducted by Quinnipiac University in the days following the Democratic convention.

When asked whom they would vote for during the 2016 campaign, 78% of service members picked “other.” Nearly all then chose “military coup” from a list of options that also included Joe Biden, Ted Cruz, Jill Stein and “a massive earthquake that wipes out life in North America.”

When retired Marine Corps Gen. James Mattis was included on the list, he was the most popular write in. However most of those who selected him also called for him to lead the armed rebellion against the United States government.

Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson came in a distant 3rd, but still far ahead of Republican candidate Donald Trump or Democrat Hillary Clinton, or any other option that didn’t involve the possibility of civil war.

Senior leaders from the military services were not surprised by the poll.

“I think it’s just young people having fun with pollster,” said Navy Secretary Ray Mabus, as he repeatedly eyed the two Marine security guards standing near his door.

Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley was even more dismissive.

“Soldiers are stupid,” he said with a laugh. “They’ll do anything to get attention.”

Only Gen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, seemed to consider the information seriously when asked for comment.

“It’s disturbing yes,” he said. “But I don’t think it’s as bad as everyone is making it out to be. We’ve all taken the oath to obey lawful orders and uphold the Constitution.”

“Besides, with sequestration and all the troop cuts do you really believe we could take over our own government even if we wanted to?”

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Olde tyme JOW #838

 I have some jokes from a simpler age – most of them date from a bit more than a hundred years ago.  Circumstances were somewhat different then but people still told jokes.  I hope they will give you a welcome break from the constant stream of vituperation being poured out on the current candidates.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Alderman Curran, of New York City, worked his way through Yale College. During his course he was kept very busy by the various jobs he did to help with his expenses. On graduation he went to New York, and was even busier than he had been in New Haven.

After some months of life in New York, a friend met him and said, "Henry, what are you doing?"

"I have three jobs," replied Mr. Curran, "I am studying law, I am a newspaper reporter, and I am selling life insurance."

"How do you manage to get it all in a day?" said the friend.

"Oh," replied Mr. Curran, "that's easy enough. They're all only eight-hour jobs."

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Once upon a time an agent called at a business office, and saw nobody but a capable-appearing young woman.

"Where's the boss?" he asked abruptly.

"What is your business?" she asked politely.

"None of yours!" he snapped. "I got a proposition to lay before this firm, and I want to talk to somebody about it."

"And you would rather talk to a gentleman?"

"Yes."

"Well," answered the lady, smiling sweetly, “and so would I. But it seems that it's impossible for either one of us to have our wish, so we'll have to make the best of it. State your business, please!"

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The father of a charming girl was well known in this town as "a very tight old gentleman." When dad recently received a young man, who for some time had been "paying court" to his daughter, it was the old gentleman who made the first observation:

"Huh! So you want to marry my daughter, eh?"

"Yes, sir; very much, indeed."

"Um--let me see. Can you support her in the style to which she has been accustomed?"

"I could, sir," said the young man, "but I am not mean enough to do it."

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Once, long ago a woman took her 7 year old son on the trolley.   “When the conductor comes tell him you are 6,” she instructed him.

“Why?”

“Then he will let you to ride the bus for free.”

Johnny nodded and left to find the seat.

Few moments later the conductor comes and asks: “How old are you?”

Johnny responds: “6.”

“When will you be 7?”

Johnny quickly exclaims: “As soon as I get off this bus!”

===================

"You say that you want some name engraved on this ring," said the jeweler to the bashful young man.

"Yes; I want the words, 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on the inside of the ring."

"Is the young lady your sister?"

"No; she is the young lady to whom I am engaged."

"Well, if I were you I would not have 'George, to his dearest Alice' engraved on the ring. If Alice changes her mind you can't use the ring again."

"What would you suggest?"

"I would suggest the words, 'George, to his first and only love,' You see, with that inscription you can use the ring as often as needed. I have had experience in such matters myself."

………………………

A police officer asks a thief: “Why did you steal this stranger’s watch?”

The thief replies: “I didn’t steal it — he gave it to me!”

The policeman asks: “When did he give it to you?”

The thief tells him: “When I showed him the gun.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And American, an Englishman, and an Indian were in the hospital in Calcutta waiting for their wives to give birth.  Sudden the lights go out.  There is confusion for a while but eventually a doctor comes out to give them the news.  “I am terribly sorry but in the dark the babies got mixed up and we don’t know which baby is which.”  (- note: since this is a joke they do not immediately contact their lawyers…)  Instead they consult with each other and see if they could feel a special connection with one of the babies.

The Englishman went in first.  Five minutes later he came out with what, for various reasons, was clearly the Indian man’s son.

The Indian immediately pointed this out. The Englishman replied, “I know, but one of the others is American and I am just not going to take that chance.”

************

"May I ask the cause of all this excitement?" asked the stranger in the little village.

"Certainly," replied the countryman. "We're celebrating the birthday of the oldest inhabitant sir. She's a hundred and one to-day."

"Indeed! And may I ask who is that little man, with the dreadfully sad countenance, walking by the old lady's side?"

"Oh, that's the old lady's son-in-law, sir. He's been keeping up the payments on her life-insurance for the last thirty years!"

Finally, a blonde joke:

Two blonde sisters promised their uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea.  When in due course he passed away the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all properly stitched up in a burial bag loaded onto their little rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, “Do you think we are out far enough, Barbie?”

Barbie slipped over the side but the water was only waist deep.  “Not yet, Bubbles.”

So they row a little farther out and once again Bubbles asks, “Do you think we are out far enough?”

Once again she slips over the side but the water is only up to her neck.   “No, this will never do.  We need to go out farther.”

Finally they stop and over the side goes Barbie.  She disappears under the water and is down for long time.  Poor Bubbles is was quite worried until Barbie’s head popped up.  Gasping for breath she tells her sister, “This is deep enough.  Now hand me that shovel.”