Fishy JOW

First, I got a lot of feedback on my banjo JOW. Apparently there are lots of banjo fans out there. Are there any fans of the accordion out there? I am always looking for themes for my weekly effort. After almost 10 years I can use all the help I can get. I did get a suggestion to use fish as a JOW topic. Fish are not especially amusing; however, I do have a few along with some old lines from Cheers.


Three blonds are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
“We don't have any." replied the first blond.
"Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blond, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blonds started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blond said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

Some third grade fish riddles:

Q. Where do fish keep their money?
A. In the river bank

Q. What kind of money do fish make?
A. Net profits

Q. What country do fish want to live in?
A. Finland

Q. What fish is most valuable?
A. Goldfish

Q. Where do shellfish go to borrow money ?
A. To the prawn broker !

Q. How could the dolphin afford to buy a house ?
A. He prawned everything !

Q. Why are fish so smart?
A. They are always in schools

Q. Which fish go to heaven when they die?
A. Angelfish

Q. How do fish go into business?
A. They start on a small scale

Q. What kind of money do fishermen make?
A. Net profits

Fish one liners
Do fish have wet dreams?
What do you call a fish with no eyes? …Fsh
A fish swam into a wall and said, “Dam!”
What bit of fish doesn’t make sense?,..The piece of cod that passeth all understanding



The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking, Fishing and Brain Development:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making It possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and excessive fishing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer and fish more, it will make you smarter.


Finally, some non-fish humor. Cheers had some great lines. Norm had many of them when he entered the bar. Here are a few:

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out
of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with it's wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em...pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one...make that one-thirty."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

Strumming on the old Banjo JOW

I had the great pleasure to listen to my friend and neighbor play the banjo in a really first rate Bluegrass band. For some reason the banjo, like the accordion, gets no respect in the world of musical instruments. Note that I did not include bagpipes because we are discussing ‘musical instruments’ here. I guess practitioners of the banjo get no respect because, well, just look at one. The banjo, not the player; well, okay, both of them. So this is a tightly focused “strumming on the old banjo” JOW: all banjo jokes.

A musician had an operation on his hand. He asked the doctor if, after surgery, he would be able to play the banjo.
The doctor replied "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.

How do you get a banjo player away from your door?
Pay him for the pizza.

What is the difference between a frog and a banjo player?
The frog is on his way to a gig.

Where is the best place for a banjo player to play?
In traffic.

How many strings does a banjo have?
Five too many…

What's difference between a banjo and a fish?
You can tuna fish...

What is the best thing to tune a banjo with?
Wire cutters

Q. If a banjo player and a guitar player both fall at the same time from a balcony in the top of a skyscraper which one would hit the ground first?
A. The guitar player - the banjo player will have to stop and retune at least once on the way down.

Saint Peter is interviewing newly arrived musicians at the Pearly Gates. He asked the first musician, "So, what did you do?"
"I was first violin with the London Philharmonic," stated the first musician.
"Fine, you may enter," said Saint Peter. He then asked the second guy, "What did you do?"
"I was a school band leader," said the second guy.
"Great, you may also enter," replied Saint Peter.
Finally, Saint Peter asked the third guy, "So, what did you do with your life?"
"Well," replied the third guy, "I really wasn't a great musician--I played banjo in a bluegrass band.”
"Oh," replied Saint Peter, "Oh, all right, you can come in but go around to the back door, okay?"

A man decides to take a vacation from his job and travel somewhere exotic. So, he books a trip to a small, untouched Pacific island where the native culture is still intact. He has great expectations (no, not the novel by Dickens) for his trip, as he really needs the time off.
As the boat is approaching the island, he notices the sound of drums. "How quaint," he thinks, "the natives are engaging in an ancient ritual with drums." He arrives at the island and gets something to eat. All this time, the drums are going. Well, after a few hours, he begins to wonder when the drums are going to stop. Thinking it is a significant native ritual, the man decides to just forget about the drums and enjoy his vacation. But, after another two days of continuous drums, it's really beginning to bother him. So, he asks a local, "When are the drums going to stop?"
The native just looks at him. So, he asks, "Why are the drums going on so long?" This native begins shaking his head. “Drums must keep playing,” he replies and departs hastily.
After another two days, the man has had it with drums. He grabs the first native he sees by the neck & demands that he make the drums stop.
The native replies "I would rather die than be the one who stops the drums."
The man asks him why.
Slowly, the native answers…"Because when the drums are over, the banjo solo starts!"

Okay, this next one is a cultural joke. You have to know the old song before you get it.

An old banjo was on his death bed and called his whole family together so that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world. After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper. Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "strumin’ in the kitchen with Dinah…"

And for more banjo mania, check out this story concerning a recent outbreak in hootenannies in the Onion

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/banjo_player_sought_in_hootenanny

Golf JOW

Lots of people like golf. I do not understand this as golf is a frustrating, expensive and time-consuming waste of time. Maybe if I played it a bit better I wouldn’t hate it so. However, it does offer more than the usual level of humor. Try looking up jokes about football, for example. Football fan jokes, yes, there are plenty, but not much about playing that game.
My jokes this week are all about the old game, one of the oldest pastimes known. Since the idea of enjoying golf is somewhat alien to me know, I will start with an alien/golf joke.

An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course and two aliens watched a solitary golfer in amazement. First the golfer duffed his tee shot, then he shanked his second into the rough, took three to get out onto the fairway, sliced the next shot into the bushes, and then took a putter to get it out on the fairway again.
The aliens decided that he must be doing some sort of weird ritual as they continued to observe the poor fellow.
The golfer skulled his next shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted several times until he finally got into the hole.
At this point, the other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble, he’ll never get it out of that hole!"

Cousin Bil offered up these touching quotes on the subject of golf. He says they are old, but I have never heard of most of them.

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray

The only sure rule in golf is – he who as the fastest cart never has to play a bad lie. ~ Mickey Mantle

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it. ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~ Jack Benny

There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one
played in the air, and the other on the ground. ~ Ben Hogan

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the
best. ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls when I stepped on a rake.~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~ Jack Lemmon

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. ~ Lee Trevino

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Lee Trevino
--------------------------------

Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in a mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.
Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, ""Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"
"Yes," Chuck replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"
"Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.
"Yes, I did," replied Chuck.
"Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.
"Why, yes, it did," said Chuck. "Why are you asking me these questions?"
The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. That driver's car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck that was racing to a fire smashed into the pileup!"
The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"
The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Chuck.
Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for minute, then replied.
"Well, I think I'll try opening my stance a little."


In 1923, do you know who was:
* President of the largest steel company?
* President of the largest gas company?
* The greatest wheat speculator?
* President of the Bank of International Settlement?
* The Great Bear of Wall Street?
* President of the New York Stock Exchange?
* The winner of the US Open Golf Tournament?
These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men?
* Charles Schwab, president of the largest steel company, died a pauper.
* Edward Hopson, president of the largest gas company, went insane.
* Arthur Cooger, the greatest wheat speculator, died abroad, penniless.
* Cosabee Livermore, president of the BIS, shot himself
* The Great Bear of Wall Street, committed suicide
* Richard Whitney, NYSE president released from prison to die at home
* Gene Sarazen, on the other hand, played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95, and was financially solvent at his death.
Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing more golf!

Airliner JOW

I have been flying back in forth between Houston and New Orleans a lot lately. Fortunately, ever since my friend Nancy took over FAA Flight Operations, things have been running seamlessly. Well, they are better at least. Mostly.
With airlines on my mind, I thought I would run by a few old airplane jokes by you all.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
................
Southwest Airlines use to have more colorful flight attendants. I don’t think you could get away with some of these famous announcements.

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
............
My friend Steve used to be a Flight Engineer in the Air Force. They often are not given the credit they deserve. But it is best not to mess with them:
A Weather Recon crew had two enlisted personnel; it was their duty to secure all baggage. Some of the other crew members felt that meant we were to load their bags from wherever they dropped them. One such member learned how wrong that was when the plane landed in Alaska in the dead of winter. After searching, he asked the Flight Engineer where his bags were. The FE asked him where he had placed them. "Under the wing", was the reply. The FE walked to the door, looked out and said, "Well they're not there now!"

Finally an airplane crash joke.

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra inadvertently landed on its tail rotor. The landing was so hard it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, and slid down the runway, doing 360s all the way.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange took place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."