Last of 2020 JOW #1063

 Well, we are finally almost done with 2020.  Remember when people said they were glad to be done with 2019?  Little did we know…  2020 was a leap year; like we needed another day of it.  As far as I am concerned 2020 just leaped into a pile of crap.   I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.  We had the virus, of course, but don’t forget the natural disasters – a record number of hurricanes and tremendous fires in the west.  The fires got so bad that the Portland rioters actually had to take a break.  Add to all that the riots, racial tensions ramping up and nasty politics and you have a real dumpster fire of a year.  Justice Ginsburg died, too – the end 2020 was Ruthless. 

==========

Face it, if 2020 was a drink it would be that colonoscopy prep stuff. 

If it was an Ice Cream truck the only flavors it would sell would be liver and onion.

If it was a shoe it would be a pair of used Crocs.

If it was a piñata it would be a hornet’s nest

++++++++

The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner – it was like January, February, lockdown.

In 2015 not one person correctly answered the question, ‘where do you see yourself in five years?’ 

I am not sure what animal the year 2020 is on the Chinese calendar, but I am pretty sure it has rabies.

In 2019 it was stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people. 

Do you remember all the jokes I made a year ago about having 2020 vision?  Well you know what they say about hindsight.

The world has turned upside down.  Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!  And what about education?  You think it’s bad now?  In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers…

The year 2020 began with Australia on fire and over a billion animals dead.  Little did we know then that it would be the feel-good story of the year.

^^^^^^^^

I purchased a world map and then gave my wife a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

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For months we had to somehow make do without professional sports OF ANY KIND.  I actually had to talk with my wife.  She seems nice. 

 

Covid thoughts

·         I’d tell you a coronavirus joke but you’d have to wait two weeks to get it.

·         This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought it understood her. I came into my house and told my dog. We both laughed and laughed.

·         I need to practice physical-distancing from the refrigerator.

·         Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will let you believe all is well in the kingdom.

·         This virus has done what no woman has ever been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!

·         I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch them with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

·         Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

·         Zooming used to mean I was going fast. Now it means I am sitting still.

·         Because of Covid 19 the National Spelling BEE was cancilled    cancul… It’s been called off.

·         Why don’t ants get Covid?  Because they have anty bodies.

 

The governor of California has issued a stay a home order.  They residents of nearby states have been telling Californians that for years.

 

Home Covid testing.  At 5 PM open a bottle of wine and then pour some of it in a glass.  If you can smell and taste it you are good.  Celebrate by finishing the bottle.

 

Kids studying 2020 in the future will need a wheelbarrow to carry their textbook to class.  History Lecturers of the future will be able to teach a whole course on each dreadful month of 2020.

 

This got me thinking about the future.

In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, but here we are, teaching people how to wash their hands

 

Doc Brown to Marty McFly in Back to the Future 3: “Whatever you do Marty, do not go back to 2020.”

 

Time Traveler entering 2020: “Has the disaster happened yet?” Me: “Which one?” 

 

And finally I am ending with an off-topic joke

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news.  You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' 

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.  'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.  I have terminal cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.' 

After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.  There were some laughs and more martinis.   They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I don’t have long to live.  I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. 

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!  Why did you do that?' 

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hearty JOW #1062

 As some of you know I had a little problem with my ticker this week; specifically we discovered that my left anterior descending artery was about 95% closed by cholesterol plaque.  This can lead to the type of heart attack called a widow maker.  Fortunately for me, medicine has advanced to where a relatively simple (but still miraculous) procedure allowed the doctor to push all that plaque aside and install a stint which took care of the problem.  

The difference between being a senior and being elderly is that when you are a senior you talk about your aches and aliments; when you are elderly you talk about your operations and procedures. 

At any rate, all this got me thinking about that heart attack I did not have and that led to most of these jokes.

^^^^^^^

Heart-Attacks are overrated.  I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life - would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes?

 

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of Charades.

And then all your friends feel bad, because they kept yelling "Stroke!"

 

My wife always says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!"

Lovely woman.  Terrible surgeon.

 

A man was having a heart attack at a bar.  When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

 

You heard about the guy who had a heart-attack when the police entered his house?

He had a cardiac arrest

 

A shop owner was on his deathbed surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
“Why... is no one... in the shop...”

 

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

 

I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss.... "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

This one is for Mike

What does a pirate say when he's having a heart attack?

"Arrrrrrrgh, me hearties!"

 

Let's have an Aussie accent joke

A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?"

The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."

 

To all of you idiots out there that drive these loud cars, we hate you; get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

 

What's the worst thing to hear at an antivax rally?

"He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?"

Speaking of Antivaxers:

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

 

Careful what you wish for!

I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My Nana died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party, literally while she was eating cake.  And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.  I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.

 

And finally, a viral joke.

I thought you would want to know about this new virus.  Even the most advanced anti-virus protocols cannot take care of this one, including the latest ones from Pfizer and Moderna.  Like the Wuhan China Virus, it appears to primarily target those who are 55 and older.  The sporadic lockdowns seem to be increasing the chances of being affected! 

Virus Symptoms 

 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that) 

 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too) 

 3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup) 

 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha)  

 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that) 

 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again). 

 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that) 

 This virus is called the   C-NILE   virus! 

 A lot of us have already been inflicted with this disease and unfortunately as we age, it gets worse.  And if you can't admit to doing any of the above, you've obviously caught the other strain - the   D-NILE virus.  Doctors say that lots of naps and regular doses of Dr. Jack Daniels liquid medicine might help.

Hanukkah, Smanukka JOW #1061

We are in the middle of the Jewish holiday Hanukkah.  Some people spell it ‘Hanukkah’, others ‘Chanukiyah’, still others ‘Chanukah’; remember Hebrew is the language that gave us ‘yarmulke’.  (A tip of the hat to spell check for helping me sort that out.)  Hanukkah can have different meanings to different people. To some, it is a Jewish festival commemorating the rededication of the Second Temple in Jerusalem at the time of the Maccabean Revolt against the Seleucid Empire. The legend is that the lamp in the temple burned for eight days without being refueled - the modern equivalent of a cell phone going eight days without a recharge.  Now it is one of the most festive Jewish celebrations with family, friends, food, gifts and games.  Here are a few jokes in commemoration of the holiday.

======

Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new PlayStation to his new friend John.

“Where did you get it?” John asks.

“I got it last night for Hanukkah,” says Stan.

“What’s Hanukkah?” John asks.

Stan replies, “It’s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights.”

“Wow, I wish we got that!” John exclaims. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got the previous night.

He sees that Stan is upset and asks him, “What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?”

Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper as he says, “It was leftovers night.”

~~~~~

What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a dragon?

One lasts for eight nights, the other sometimes ate knights.

^^^^^

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Hanukkah.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his says, “I thought she wanted one of those four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replies. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”

=====

What do you call someone who celebrates Christmas sometimes and Hanukkah sometimes?

Jew-ish

 

What’s the best Hanukkah gift for the person who has everything?

A burglar alarm.

```````

An old Jewish couple, Harry and Sadie, were married for 35 years but never got along.  One day around this time of year, he says to her, "So? I suppose you'll be wanting a Hanukkah present?"
She says to him, "Harry, I want a divorce."
Harry says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

>>>>> 

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit at Hanukkah with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.” She continued, “There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy,” replied the grandson, “but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?

To which she answered, “You’re coming empty handed?”

<<<<< 

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one. As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What – you didn't like the other one?"

****

During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish – the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe A Chinese waiter, who had only been in New York a year, came up and in fluent Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday. The Jewish men were dumbfounded. After they paid the bill they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, “Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?”

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said… “Shhhh. He thinks we’re teaching him English.”

 

Chanukah Songs that Never Quite Caught On

Oy to the World

Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland

Hava Negilah – The Megamix

Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Enough with those facackennah Jingle Bells Already... Sheez!

Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)

I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)

Come on Baby, Light My Menorah

Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos

Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

Enough with the Hanukkah jokes

A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinic:
"If life gives you lemons, we can give you melons."

>>>>> 

Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. 

"How about showing me some perfume for my wife?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.

And finally

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Medicareless JOW #1060

December 7 is an important date for older Americans.  It is the last day for Medicare selection.  This means add for Medicare supplement plans will stop; we no longer get to see Joe Namath touting Medicare supplement companies and the amount of junk mail and robo calls should diminish - finally.  But all this got me thinking about health care for senior and older people in general.  Here are some jokes on those subjects.

 

You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare....Back in my day we just died.

 

Dark humor is like free healthcare - not everybody gets it.

 

Public healthcare is so bad I can't even afford Dr. Pepper.

 

Have you guys heard about the thieves stealing tires of healthcare workers cars?

Healthcare workers are now working tirelessly.

 

Medicare part C provides care for the headaches caused by parts A, B, C, and D.

 

American healthcare costs are out of a control: a simple double amputation costs an arm and a leg!

 

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare

 

Why did the elderly chicken cross the road?  He had a reason, but is no longer sure what it was.

 

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

---------

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

 

The seven Dwarves or old age:

Nappy

Wrinkly

Squinty

Rocky

Saggy

Leaky

And Farty

 

A story from the future

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self-isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was saying but I figured the risk of transmission was low due to his protective gear and frankly, I was ready for some human interaction, even from a potential crazy person, so I let him in.
He sat down and said he wanted to tell me some things about the future because if this knowledge was entrusted to me, I could be trusted to use it for good. Over the next few minutes he told me about many things but I was left with many questions. He said I could ask a few, so I did.
I asked about climate change. He assured me that after 2035, nations got serious and the problem has been all but solved.
I asked about Covid-19. He assured me it would be a blip on the radar of human history and nobody worries about pandemics anymore.
I asked about massive economic turmoil we are in. He said despite the borrowing and deficits of earlier times, those debts are now repaid. The United States has never been a better more united society. Everyone has free healthcare.
I was so happy to hear all this. I asked about inflation and how much it costs for a gallon of water, or a loaf of bread or a cup of coffee. He chuckled and said I didn't need to worry about such trivial things. In the year 2045, it was possible to still get coffee at Starbucks in America for under 150 Yuan.

 

And finally something completely off topic

Once upon a time, far away in the ancient land of Persia, the ruler of the country was called the Shah and his wife was known as the Shahnee.
Get sick now while Medicare is still affordable

And it came to pass, in the fullness of time, that the Shahnee gave birth to a son, and this son, being the heir to the Peacock Throne was given the title of Shan.
It soon transpired that all was not well with the young Shan and wise men were summoned from all over the kingdom to the palace. They examined the Shan carefully; then they instructed the scribes to write out enormous bills,; then they informed the Shah and the Shahnee that their son, the Shan, heir to the Peacock Throne, was epileptic.
Now in those days there was no Medicare or super-efficient public or private hospital system such as we enjoy in Australia today; there was not much that could be done about his condition.
So the wise men got together, got their scribes to write out some more enormous bills and recommended to the Shah that he appoint some special bodyguards to take care of the Shan and watch over him all the time.
And it was so. Everywhere the little Shan went, the bodyguard went, too, watching over him and taking care of him.
For a while, all was well, but then, one day, when many months had passed without any untoward incident, the bodyguard grew complacent. The time came when he left the Shan alone while he indulged in amorous dalliance with one of the ladies of the court.
And of course, it was at this time that the young Shan had an epileptic seizure and, being unattended injured himself.
Great was the commotion in the Palace and the Shah waxed wroth. Summoning the bodyguard into his presence he angrily demanded, "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?"