Yet Another JOW #962

Here are a few jokes on a beautiful winter’s day.  Days like these are makeups for the months of heat and humidity.  I really don’t have a theme for this week.  I just collected some random thoughts and jokes that came to me all week.  In truth, it can be pretty weird in there sometimes. 

Here are some light bits of humor your perusal and hopefully, amusement.

Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations.

• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong.

• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry. 

• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge.   

• Beauty and the Beast: The Stockholm syndrome works.   

• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet.   

These words are so joining our vocabulary in 2019!

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on a chair in place of a closet or dresser.

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect.

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet.

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to 
a text.

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And speaking of words, I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

>>>>>>>>>> 

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is at a nice, healthy level.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

A few unrelated one-liners

·         Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

·         I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

·         I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

·         My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

·         I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

·         My boss told me to have a good day - so I went home.

·         A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

·         The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

·         When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

·         My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

·         What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.

·         What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.

·         My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

·         Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

·         I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

·         I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

·         What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

·         Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.

·         Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!

·         Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

·         My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

·         Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

·         When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?

·         As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

·         How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.

·         I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

·         What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

·         Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.

·         Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

Three quick riddles

Q: What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? A: Phillipe Phillope.

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth? A: A mechanic.

Q: What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? A: “Curses! Foil again!” 

Finally, an attempt at a limerick

A crafty young bard named McMahon,

Whose poetry never would scan,

Once said, with a pause,

“It’s probably because

I’m always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”

Mean old JOW #961

I was in a pretty cranky mood after the results of the football weekend, so I looked for/thought of some angry jokes.  Not surprisingly most of them dealt with the eternal battle of the sexes.  I hope you enjoy these somewhat spicy jokes this week.

Some back and forth banter

Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh never mind, it's too long."
Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it."

A guy takes his girlfriend to his bedroom, drops his pants, and says, "Meet my little brother."

The girlfriend picks up her purse on the way out and says, "Call me when he grows up."

A man comes home, finds his wife in bed with another man, and asks, “What is this?!?”

The wife turns to her lover and says, “See, I told you he was stupid!”

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!”

“Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

Some short ones:

·         I don't have a girlfriend but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

·         Madder than a barefoot centipede on a hot rock.

·         Righteous Indignation: Your own wrath, as opposed to the shocking bad temper of others.

·         I’m Mad as Hell, but mostly in a Passive Aggressive Way!

^^^^^^^^^^^

If you want to know who really is ‘man’s best friend’, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

=========

+++++++++++

An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.

The bartender asked the man “What’s wrong, why are you so down today?”

The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.

The bartender said “So what’s wrong with that”?

“Well the month is up tonight”.

……

Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere tractor. "What are you doing!" asks Bob.

Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my therapist and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor." 

>>>>>>>>>>> 

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the cat burglar the police had caught who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

_______________

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

===============

A couple rushes into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. After she is admitted a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the labor pains between the mother and father. They agree to try it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because the pain is gone. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."

`````````````````````

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it’s started!”

Dumb and dumber JOW #960

I love ‘stupid’ jokes – anecdotes where someone does or says something foolish.  I understand that calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter; all too often I have been that dumb person or rather the person who did or said something dumb. I’m not a complete idiot; some pieces are missing.  When I was a kid I used to think I was pretty smart.  Then one day I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.  

Some dumb bullet points:

·         Think of how stupid the average person is.  Then realize half of them are stupider than that

·         The biggest cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid people are so sure about things and the intelligent folks are so full of doubts.

·         The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have easy access to social media.

·         Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

·         Some people are like lava lamps…fun to look at but not very bright.

Dumb comments:

·         What do you think of Roe v. Wade? - Well, those are two ways to cross the river.

·         What is the capitol of Texas?  - That’s easy, “T”

·         If Europe uses Euros does Africa use Afros?

·         I think we should stop imports from Romania until we what is wrong with their lettuce.

·         I think 60 Minutes is very educational.  I watched it for two hours last night.

·         I am against studying civics in school unless we also study other cars.  Why should we show favoritism toward Honda?

·         I love veterans. They take such good care of our pets.

·         I don’t think I would ever send my kids to the Electoral College.

·         Why are buffalo wings so small when buffalo are so big?

·         I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.

A few other dumb thoughts

If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.

Four out three people struggle with fractions.

The problem with educating stupid people was that they didn't know they were stupid. The same went for curing crazy people.

Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.  

Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging every day.

And to finish, a joke from Woody

One day a man decided to retire... 
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. 
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. 
After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. 
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" 
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."  "Amazing," he notes.  "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." 
"Oh, this old thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." 
"But, where did you get the tools?" 
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." 
The guy is stunned. 
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.  Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. 
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, it’s not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down."  "Would you like a drink?" 
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." 
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like some rum?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." 
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" 
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. 
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes. 
He can't believe what he's hearing.  "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?”

Chemical Reaction JOW #959

My jokes this week sort of have a scientific them with sort of an emphasis on chemistry, mainly because I could remember and fine more of them.  I haven’t studied chemistry since high school and the only thing funny about it then was my effort to master the subject.  I hope you enjoy these somewhat unusual jokes this week.

------------

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.

Some chemistry riddles

Q: What should you do if no one laughs at your chemistry jokes?

A: Keep telling them until you get a reaction.

I tried writing jokes about the periodic table……but I realized I wasn’t quite in my element.  But let me try a few of them here.

*************

Q: How often do you like to hear jokes about elements?

A: Periodically.

Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together??
Teen 2: OMg!

Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?

A: Na

Q: Y’all want to hear a Potassium joke?

A: K

Q: Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

A: It went OK.

Q: Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

A: He’s 0K now. (Note, that is zero not an O, and K is the Kelvin scale.)

Q: How did the hipster chemist burn his hand?

A: He picked up his beaker before it was cool.

Q: What’s the difference between chemistry jokes and physics jokes?

A: Chemistry jokes can be funny periodically, but physics jokes have more potential.

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?

A: If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.

Two more non-chemistry riddles.

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?

A: Pull down its genes.

Q: What is Cole’s Law?

A: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Famous last words from chemists:

1) “And now the taste test…”

2) “And now shake it a bit…”

3) “In which glass was my mineral water?”

4) “This is a completely safe experimental setup.”

5) “Now you can take the protection window away…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were observing an empty building. They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out.

The biologist remarked, “Oh, they must have reproduced.”

The engineer said, “Our initial count must have been incorrect.”

The mathematician stated, “Now if one more person goes into the building, it will be completely empty.”

`````````````````````

A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the high waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean and was swept away.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He, too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, “The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.”

++++++++++++++

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” says his advisor, “in her biology class.”

>>>>>>>>>>> 

Cellular biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

<<<<<<<<<<< 

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

===========

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?”

 “No,” replies the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time.”

++++++++++

Q: How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Q: 'How many socialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Thousands, one to screw it in, the rest are there to claim joint responsibility, share in its glow and ensure the one who did the screwing in doesn't get individually recognized for lighting the way.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “Excuse me, is this stool taken?”

-------------

Q: What was the name of the first Electric Detective?

A: Sherlock Ohms.

……….

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said, “Sorry, my fault.”

And finally some “dog ate my homework” jokes.

Kid: “God ate my homework.”

Teacher: “Are you dyslexic?”

Kid: “No, I belong to a really weird religion.”

The next day the kid approached with his arm heavily bandaged.

Teacher: “I suppose you are going to tell me the dog ate your homework again.”

Kid: “Yeah, and this time I was holding it.”

New Year JOW #958

Just as my last JOW celebrated the fact that it was Christmas, this one starts with a few New Year’s jokes.  Actually, I think New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.  Personally, every year on New Year's Eve when everyone's counting down the final ten seconds to ring in the New Year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes, so that I always start the New Year off on the right foot.

Allegedly, one if the things that people do is make New Year’s resolutions.  Although I don’t know anyone who actually does that, it is fodder for jokes.  Here are a few:

·         My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. 

·         This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.

·         A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. 

·         My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

·         I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

Some New Year’s thoughts

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.

Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve? Waiting for the punchline. 

One Spelling mistake can destroy your life… A husband sent this to his wife: “I’m having a wonderful time wish you were her.”

===================

Elon Musk is an eccentric millionaire inventor.  Among other things he started Tesla and SpaceX.  He is the guy who launched his personal Tesla with a space-suited dummy in the driver’s seat.

He has a poster in his office of a shooting star.  Beneath it is the caption:

When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams come true. 

Unless it’s a really big meteorite hurtling to the earth which will destroy all life.

Then you’re pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for.  Unless it’s death by meteor.

 ````````````

Remember when Musk funded The Boring Company by selling real flamethrowers?  (I actually briefly considered getting one just for the cool factor.  It was only $500 but they sold out in four days.) Don’t believe me?  Here is a link: real-life flamethrowers.

He backed up the unbelievable publicity stunt with some ripper tweets urging people to buy them because they would really come in handy if the zombie apocalypse arrives. 

·         When the zombie apocalypse happens, you’ll be glad you bought a flamethrower. Works against hordes of the undead or your money back!

·         The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

He has some other pretty funny/odd tweets

·         The rumor that I'm building a spaceship to get back to my home planet Mars is totally untrue

·         And, no, I'm not an alien...but I used to be one

·         Don’t want to blow your mind, but I’m pretty weird. It’s time the world knew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He answered this tweet – “Is there any reason that most of the [SpaceX] landings appear to have been at night so far?”

His response:

·         It's much easier to do the CGI that way

And

·         Sometimes you have to remind people that rocket science is rocket science.

……………………

He is just the sort of character who would have a James Bond-like secret hideout.  Musk seems to understand that.  After his successful SpaceX landing he tweeted

·         If this project works I am treating myself to a volcano lair.  It’s time.

Some Family jokes

My children seem to have my twisted sense of humor.  I don’t know whether to be proud or frightened.

++++++++++

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"

He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."

The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

<<<<<<<<<<< 

No one in my family seems to suffer from insanity.  We all seem to enjoy it.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

Apparently I snore so loudly it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

Okay, I may not be talented or smart, or all that good looking or especially athletic… I forgot where I was going with this.

Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

And remember, a spelling error can ruin your life.  Like the husband who tweeted to his wife from a vacation spot.  “Having a wonderful time.  Wish you were her.”

Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?" Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"

And finally

A Native American child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, in our tribe, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"