Birthday Party JOW #1076

Spring is the season for birthdays in our family.  I recently went to a couple of birthday parties.  The first was a third birthday party for my granddaughter.  There were lots of kids running around, balloons, good food, pleasant conversation with family & friends and of course, cake.  The second was a 101^st birthday for my mother-in law.  There were lots of kids running around, balloons, good food, pleasant conversation with family & friends and of course, cake.  Both were wonderful. Birthday parties are a celebration to mark the passage of time.  For kids this is wonderful; for adults, not so much. 

With that in mind, here are some birthday-related jokes.  Remember, birthdays are healthy - studies consistently show that people who have more birthdays live longer.

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Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.

```

A true friend is one who remembers your birthday and not your age.

+++

Ladies, there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy, and understands your friends and family.  His name is Mark Zuckerberg.

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When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

 

Birthday riddles.

·         What is every horse’s birthday wish? A stable economy.

·         What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

·         Why are birthdays good for you? People who have the most live the longest.

·         What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older.

 

You know you’re getting old when…

·         You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

·         Happy hour is a nap.

·         There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

·         Things you buy now won’t wear out.

·         You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

·         You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

·         People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

·         You sing along with the elevator music.

·         Your new Chinese name is Yung No Mo

Now to segue to a new topic: Getting the right birthday present.

 

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday. But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

 

A logician asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday.  She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."

So he got her nothing.

`````

It was my wife's birthday the other day I took her to an orchard and we stood looking at the fruit for 20 minutes. Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

>>>> 

A man gave his wife a coffin for her 80th birthday. When she turned 81, she asked him why he didn't you get her a birthday present this year.

"You haven’t used the one I gave you last year."

<<<<< 

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.

The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.

“What’s the matter,” he asks. “My wish didn’t work.” she replies.

“How do you know already?” he enquired.

“You’re still here.”
-----
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday. She rejects them all. “Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
++++++

A man gave his young daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor.

"That's a pretty watch you've got there!” He complemented her.  “Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

^^^^^

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone only to find she had a wrong number. “Why didn’t you stop me when you realized it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.

“You need all the practice you can get!”

++++

Middle age: that awkward period when Father Time catches up with Mother Nature.

Here is a bit I found about getting older.

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?" In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?"

++++

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly...

And finally, an Easter joke

A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist says, ‘I need to pull a tooth, but I’ll give you Novocain.’

The rabbit answered, ‘Uh-uh! Not me, Doc. I’m an ether bunny.’” 

Rapid reposted JOW #1075

 

I get a lot of help with my jokes of the week from all of you.  I share a lot of them, or as they say in this electronic age, I repost them without shame, and solicit others for more fodder.  Enjoy

Dave sent me these one liners.  Now you'll know for sure you are a groan up
1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave
me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

~~~~~~~~

My neighbor came over on the first day and borrowed a hammer so he could replace his white picket fence. I watched as he took the pickets off one by one until they were all off and then he stood there looking confused. I went over and asked if he needed a hand. He said "No I'm alright, I'm just deciding whether to repost because this place hates reposts"

 

The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.

 

Random concepts

If your last name is Mann…. Should you name your kids Hugh, or Bat?  I think calling him Spider would be going too far.

======

Him: I used to think correlation implied causation.   Then I took a statistics class.  Now I don’t.

Her.  Sound like the class helped.

Him: Well, maybe.

++++

One day, a financially successful father decides to take his son to the countryside to show him how poor some people are in contrast to them. The rich man wanted his son understand the value of things, and how lucky he was to live in a nice house in the city.
So they went to the countryside and spent one day and one night at his cousin’s simple countryside home. On the road back home, the father asked his son:
"So, what did you think of our trip?"
"It was great, Dad!"
"Did you see how poor some people are?"
"Yes."
"And so what did you see during the trip?"
"I saw that we have one dog, they have four. We have a pool at home, they live by a beautiful lake. The street lamps give us light in our garden, whereas they get the light of a million stars. Our backyard's ends at the fence, theirs as far as the eye can see. And finally, I saw they had the time to talk to each other. You and Mom work all day and I barely see you.  Thanks, Dad, for showing me how rich we could be.”

 

And finally

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from overseas. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.
Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request. So in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to tell the butcher. So she clucked like a chicken and cupped her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store . . .

Get your mind out of the gutter. Her husband spoke English.

Neighborly JOW #1074

 I live in The Woodlands, Texas.  Not ‘Woodlands, Texas’ that is a separate town up near Dallas.  Since that name was taken, the developers apparently decided to add a ‘The’ to it for clarity.  The Woodlands was recently named as the best city to live in by Niche.com. 

The Niche.com rankings are based on a range of factors about the community, including public safety and crime; public schools and other educational opportunities; cost of living and housing availability; diversity of residents racially as well as by education; nightlife and entertainment options; jobs and career options; and how family friendly a community is.  Having lived here 25 years, by far the longest I have lived anywhere, I have to agree.  However, the evaluations do not take into account the climate; for six months of the year we live in smothering heat and humidity, and that should take points off.  Anyway, here are some neighborhood jokes:

>>>>> 

A traveler is walking through a village in the country when a little boy comes running up and says, "Please, help, help, my mother is trapped in a well!" So the traveler comes to the mother's aid, she gives him some bread and a place to rest in thanks, and he moves on.
Next he is walking through a suburb neighborhood, when a little girl comes running up and says, "Please, help, help, my father is trapped on the roof! His ladder fell!" So the traveler comes to the father's aid, the father has him stay for dinner and gives him a place to rest in thanks, and he moves on.
Next he is walking through a big city. He becomes overwhelmed and stands in awe, staring around at the sights. He's never seen anything like this in his whole life. Then a big man comes running up, looking haggard and angry. The traveler sees him coming and turns to him, "What do you need help with, sir?"
The big man yells at him, "I need you to stop staring and get out of my way!"

^^^^^^^^^^

Two Middle Eastern men move to the United States.  After receiving dirty looks, and rude comments day after day, they soon figure out that they needed to "Americanize" themselves in order to fit in. Both men part ways on their journey to become Americans. The men do not see each other for five years, until one day they happen to bump into each other in a store.

"Hello old friend!" says the first man. "It's been so long! I have certainly become a true American since I last saw you. I have a wife, two kids, and a dog. I live in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs in a two story house, I drive a Prius and I have a job working in an office and I watch football every Sunday with my buddies and we drink beer and have barbecues! How American have you become my friend?"
The second man replied "Goddam rag head."

<<<<<<<<<< 

 

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.
Everyone laughed at the coincidence, and the two clerics agreed to have a race. A course was planned out, and the next day the two men took off.
The Catholic priest had a slight edge through the town, but when the course led out into more rural areas, the rabbi took the lead. Eventually the course took them to a narrow dirt road, wide enough for only one car; the rabbi was ahead with the priest was right on his tail. They passed a sign that said, "Danger! Bridge Out Ahead!", and came to a cliff where a bridge had recently been washed out.
The rabbi slammed on his brakes, his car's wheels locked up, and screeched to a stop just two feet in front of the cliff. The priest has just a tick slower to react, and his car rammed the rabbi's car, pushing its front wheels over the embankment.
With the rabbi's Cadillac balanced precariously on the cliff, the priest scrambled to help the rabbi to safety. Once both men were safe, they called the police and waited for their arrival.
A Boston cop came to the scene first. He looked at the two cars in the road. He looked at the damage to the front end of the priest's car. Then he looked at the rabbi's car, hanging on the cliff, with damage to its back end.
The cop took off his hat and scratched his head, wondering what to make of the situation. Finally, in a thick Irish brogue, he asked, "So, father, at what speed was the rabbi going when he backed into you?"

 

And finally:

 A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.
He arrived early one morning, surveying the house. Thankful for his presence, the young woman guided her friend to the room that she was thinking of customizing. It was fairly small and had five walls, the fifth of which held the doorway.
“I’m thinking of tearing down some walls in here to make more room,” she said. “Can you help?”
Her friend looked around the perimeter of the room, putting his knowledge of architecture to the test. Finally, pointing at one section of the structure, he gave a single warning. “This fourth one’s a load-bearing wall, you’ll have to leave it alone, or else this whole place’s integrity will be at risk.”
The woman nodded, but was clearly still perplexed. Leading her friend to the door, she thanked him for the help as he left.
A week later, he and the woman bumped into each other at a restaurant.
“Hey! Did I end up helping you out with our house problem at all?”
“You were a bit confusing, but I eventually found someone who could help.”
Curious, he asked “Well... who did you ask?”
A smile occupying her face, she answered “It took a bit of looking, but I found that the Redditors who were reading this joke were quite helpful!”
A look of panic crossed her friend’s face.
Concerned as to what possibly could be the problem, she asked, “What’s wrong...?” A few moments passed before he answered:
“I told you not to break the fourth wall.”

 

Been There JOW #1072

 Early spring weather in East Texas is a yo-yo.  Last week, freezing, this week air conditioning. I should be used to it – I have lived here longer than anywhere else I have been; and I have been around.  There are some spots I have yet to visit:

 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.  Apparently, you can't go alone.  You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

 

I've also never been in Cognito.  I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

I have, however, been in Sane.  They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, and family.

 

I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. 

 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!  It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!  At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.  It's an age thing.  They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 

I had some “laws” jokes left over from last week.

 

Golub's Laws of Computerdom

1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.

2. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; if carefully planned, it will take only twice as long.

3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.

4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

Goodin's Law of Conversions
The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Gray's Law of Programming
N+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as N trivial tasks.

Loggs Rebuttal- N+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as N trivial tasks for N sufficiently large.

Grosch's Law
Computer power increases as the square of the costs. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast.

Hoare's Law of Large Programs
Inside every small program is a large program struggling to get out.
  

General Laws of Computer Programming
1. Any given program, when running smoothly, is obsolete.

2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.

6. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

8. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will discover that programmers cannot write in English.

9. Software is hard. Hardware is easy. It is economically more feasible to build a computer than to program it.

10. An operating system is a feeble attempt to include what was overlooked in the design of a programming language.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There's always one more bug.

 

Project scheduling "80/20" rule
The first 80 percent of the task takes 80 percent of the time. The last 20 percent takes the other 80 percent.

 

Some “lawless” jokes

Would you rather have a Steinway or a Henway?
What's a Henway?
About a pound and a half.

++++++++

A union boss walks into a bar from the factory next door, and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a MAGA cap with a mug of beer sitting in front of him.

 The union boss doesn't need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender.... but not for the 'Republican'.

 Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Union Boss.

 After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn't seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"

 A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.   Frustrated that he can't seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts...?"

 "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

And finally

Cartoonist Stephan Pastis draws “Pearls before Swine”, which appears in my local paper.  He loves wordplay and bad puns – just like I do.  Here is a sample from his strip.

 

Pig and Rat are talking.

Pig: “My best friend and his wife got busted for shoplifting.  He took a vintage record and she took a Rap CD and a ‘Canned Heat’ CD.”

Rat: “So they are both in trouble?”

Pig: “No.  My friend told the cops he took them all.”

Rat: “How come?”

Pig: “His wife could get in big trouble.  She has a record.”

Rat: “I thought she took the CDs?”

Pig: “She did.  And the record.”

Rat: “I thought he had the record.”

Pig: “He has no record – which is why he took the heat.”

Rat: “You said she took the Heat.”

Pig: “She couldn’t take the heat, which is why he took the rap.”

Rat: “I thought she took the Rap.”

Pig: “How could she take the rap with a record?”

Rat: “GUESS WHO DOESN’T CARE!”  And storms off

Pig: “Guess Who’ was the record he stole.”