Coffee-Flavored JOW #781

Today is National Coffee Day.   I am fond of that life-giving liquid.  Don’t ever let anyone tell you fairy tales can’t be real - I drink a potion made of magic beans every morning and it brings me back to life.  And I need real coffee - decaf only gets me going if I spill it on my lap.  I don’t really have a problem with caffeine, it’s just that I do have a problem without it.  Coffee and wine are like coaches.  Coffee is there for encouragement –‘Go get’em.  You can do it!’ Wine is more like – ‘Good try.  You gave it a good shot, we will get them tomorrow.’

In honor of the day here are some mostly coffee-related jokes.

Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they really know how to espresso themselves.  In fact, I am convinced that the reason Starbucks can charge $4 for a cup of coffee is because they put the sizes in Italian.

                The 23th Cup

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures;
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I'll fear no Equal for thou art with me;
Thy cream and thy flavorings they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my days with vigor; my mug runneth over.
Surely flavor and aroma shall follow me all the days of my life
and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.
Amen!

********************

Q: Why are men are like coffee?

A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic

A: Sanka
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."

The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

#############

Many companies share a coffee pot.  One morning a young woman saw the pot was empty and took it into the ladies room to fill it with water.  Then she began preening in the mirror, brushing her hair and reapplying some makeup. She didn't realize how long she'd been until someone slid a note under the door.

"You win," it read. “Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns."

He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.

“And to drink?" she asked.  The man said he would like coffee. The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.

"Oh my God; I am so sorry!"

"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"

"Regular. . . ," she replied.

"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

A waitress was refilling cups at the table where some had taken decaffeinated coffee.

“Are you regular,” she asked one old boy.

“Why, yes, thank you,” he brightly replied, “I think it is all the prunes I eat.”

===============

A guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: "How much is the coffee?"

"Coffee is four dollars the waitress says".

"How much is a refill?" the man asks.

"Free, "says the waitress.

"Then I'll take a refill!" the man responds.

……………………

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

And to conclude, here is one from Bill.

At one point during a Little League game, the coach called one of his 10-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach," replied the little boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in agreement.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

Animal JOW #780

I was kind of stumped for a theme for his week until I remembered this cheesy joke sent to me by Keith.  It got me thinking about animal humor and so here are a few jokes mostly about the animal kingdom. 

This one is the one from Keith.

A scruffy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it.
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué,” having heard of very small piano playing men and such.
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch - a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

There are lots of cow jokes, most of them as stupid as cows themselves.

There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, “moo” and the other one says, “That’s what I was going to say.”

Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

Q: Why do cows go to New York?
A: To see the moosicals!

            Enough with the cows.

Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!

Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lilly.

Q: Why did the lamb from Boston cross the road?
A: To get to the baaaaarber shop!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half, a centipede came out and scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, “Where were you during the first half?”

“Putting on my shoes.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alpacas are inherently funny critters.  (Tasty, too.) 

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, an alpaca walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the alpaca’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the Alpaca. "Your name is written inside the cover."

========================

A man and his pet Alpaca walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."

So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my Alpaca."

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the alpaca falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.

The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."

To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's an Alpaca."

##########

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like an alpaca sitting next to him. "Are you a Alpaca?" asked the man, surprised.

"Yes."

"What are you doing at the movies?"

The Alpaca replied, "Well, I liked the book."

++++++++++++++++++

A woman brings an alpaca home and explains to her husband that it is her new pet.

"Where are you going to keep it?" Her husband asks

"In the bedroom."

"But what about that horrible nasty smell?'

"Well, I got used to you,” she explained, “I'm sure he will too!"

---------------------------

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with that thing on his face."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Finally I like telling this joke.  I call it a logic test.

What are the three steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge? 1. open the fridge 2. put the giraffe in 3.close the fridge
What are the 4 steps to putting a rhino in the fridge? 1. open the fridge 2. take out the giraffe 3. put the rhino in. 4. close the fridge.
The animals were throwing a party and all the animals but one came. Whho was it? The rhino – he is still in the fridge.
A girl waded through crocodile infested water, but didn't get eaten. Why? The crocodiles were at the party.

Absentminded JOW #779

‘Egghead’ jokes about people who are too smart for the real world are very old. I know a couple

attributed to the Greeks that are at least 2500 years old. The TV show Big Bang Theory is a series of skits

roughly based on this theme of the absentminded professor. Here are a few bits along the lines.

Albert Einstein Stories - Note: some of these are probably apocryphal, but he was said to be sweetly absentminded.

(1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. So

Einstein told the driver that at the next stop on the tour to switch places, with Einstein sitting at the back in the driver's uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

(2) Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work.

"Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for

Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said

Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home.

The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him?

Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket.

He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said,

'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

 ##################

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey.

Where'd you get them?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Once an old British professor was on a travelling by train.  As fate should have, he was in the last compartment.  Now the problem was, whenever the train stopped at a station his compartment would

never be on the platform. It was a local train and anytime the poor guy wanted to get something to eat

or drink he had to struggle to get over to the platform. By the time he reached his destination, he was

really irritated. He went straight to the station master`s office to lodge a complaint.

This is what he wrote.

"Please see to it that there is no last compartment in any train. If you still insist on having a last

compartment, please put it somewhere in the middle".

------------------------

The absent-minded professor just came back home from a business trip, looking tired. His wife asked him: "Dear, you look awful, how was your trip?"

"Very bad. I got a rear-facing seat on the train, which made me very uncomfortable."

"Why didn't you ask the man opposite for a switch?"

"I wish I could have. But nobody was seating on that seat."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little English pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string and a cork on the end was jiggling it up and down.

A Mike, a visiting American, asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

‘Poor old chap’ thought Mike, so he invited the old man to have a drink with him in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, Mike asked the old fellow, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth."

+++++++++++++++++++

Just as the old professor was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."

At least two nights a week for the last thirty years the old professor had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.

When the old professor entered the den he was surprised to see a thief

As the thief turned to leave the old professor said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Maude."

The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"

The old professor replied, "Well, she's been expecting you from 30 years."