Oi - Such a JOW #983

I love Jewish humor.  There is quite a lot of it – it is estimated that in the 1970’s three fourths of all stand up comedians were Jewish.  Stand up comedy has diminished since then but they left behind a lot of funny one-liners that, even if they are showing their age, are still funny.

Here are a few one-liners from the golden age of Jewish stand up comedians:

~~~~~~~~~~~

I just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!

If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.

The thief spends less than my wife did.

My wife and I always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.

My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.  That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.  Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.

The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.”
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 70!"

Patient: "I am 70!"

Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

There are a lot of recurring themes in Jewish humor.  Like the tendency for hypochondria

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar.

"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine."

I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer."

"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."

And Jewish mothers have a whole raft of great jokes

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

----------

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

 +++++++++

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

 ============

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

``````````````````

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? "Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?"

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother he got a part in the school play.

"That's wonderful!" says the mother, "Which part?"
"The part of a Jewish husband," says the boy, proudly.
Frowning, the mother says, "Go back and tell them you want a speaking role!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Sarah, how's that boy of yours?"

"David? Ach, don't ask – he's living in Miami with a man named Miguel."
"That's terrible!"
"I know – why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?

Overthinking leads to some pretty good jokes.

Once in a village a young housewife dropped a piece of buttered bread.  To her astonishment it fell with the butter side up!  Now as everyone knows, whenever a buttered piece of bread is dropped on the floor, it always falls buttered side down; this is like a law of physics. But on this occasion it had fallen buttered side up, and this was a great mystery which had to be solved. So all the Rabbis and elders and wise men were summoned together and they spent three days in the synagogue fasting and praying and debating this marvelous event among themselves. After those three days they returned to the young housewife with this answer:
"Madam, the problem is that you have buttered the wrong side of the bread."

Jewish humor can also have a dark edge

During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian pogroms one village had a rumor going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!"

Here is an old New York joke

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street in New York City with his tin cup.

"Please, sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare two dollars and seventy-three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?"
The man asked, "Where do you get coffee and pie for two dollars and seventy-three cents in New York? It would cost at least a five dollars!"
The beggar shrugged and replied, "So who buys retail?"

==================

The rate of Jewish intermarriage is a serious problem. Scientists estimate that unless something can be done to stop intermarriage, in 100 years, the Jewish people will be reduced to a race of gorgeous blondes.

Okay, enough with the Jewish humor, here are three more to wrap thing up.

My marriage must be back on solid ground.  My wife just bought me a vacation to the Dominican Republic and a million dollar life insurance policy.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

A hippopotamus can outswim and out run a human being.  So I have to take him during the biking leg of a triathlon. 

 <<<<<<<<<<<

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. A student nurse found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need any help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said.  "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Beery JOW #982

I used to drink beer pretty often, but these days it is mostly just wine with my dinner.  However, it is summer, and on a hot afternoon I will have a cold beer.  Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I have drunk in my life, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into a glass of beer and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.  So I drink beer.  Not ale.  And I don't put oranges in my beer often, except maybe once in a Blue Moon.   

As Dave Berry put it:

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention.  But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”  Or in another quote - “In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.”  Seems fair.

-------------------------

There was a big conference of beer producers. At lunch the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders iced tea.
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I."

A few thoughts about beer.

·         Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

·         Why do they never serve beer at a math party? - Because you can’t drink and derive.

·         Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.

·         Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.

·         24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.   Coincidence?  I think not!

·         To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group.  Salvation in a can.”

·         Beer is my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy. 

·         It only takes one beer to get me buzzed. I am not sure if it is the seventh or eighth one.

·         A bee goes into a bar, it comes out 2 hours later buzzing.

Q: What is the difference between beer and piss?

A: About half an hour.

Q: What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Well beer nuts are 49 cents but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer you won’t understand it.)

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

A: "Olive or twist?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.”

==============

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out. 

+++++++++++

A midget staggers into a bar and asks for a beer, the bartender says no. The midget asks why, the bartender says “You’re a little drunk”
`````````````````````
A young liberated woman walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "Serve me a cold beer!"

The bartender stares at her, not moving.

"What wrong?" she says "Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman?"

"Yes, many times!" the bartender replies

“Then what ae you staring at me for?” the woman asks.

"I want to see where you're going to get the money from to pay for beer!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night at Cheers, a TV Sitcom,   Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Normmy, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”

 And finally, from Bill:

Off San Diego a U.S. Navy destroyer stopped four Mexicans in a rowboat heading toward the coast of California.   

The Captain got on the loudspeaker and shouted, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

 One of the Mexicans put down his oar, stood up and shouted, "We're invading California to reclaim the territory taken by the U.S. in 1846."

 The crew of the destroyer doubled over in laughter.

 When the Captain finally caught his breath he got back on the loudspeaker and asked, "Just the four of you?"

 The same Mexican stood up again and shouted, "No - the other 12.3 million are already there."

The crew of the destroyer stopped laughing.

Rich JOW #981

I am not a rich man, at least in fiscal terms.  That is all right, I always knew that I would never be rich; I prioritized different things.  Perhaps this was a mistake.  Money can’t buy happiness, but as the country song says –it can buy be a boat.  All this musing got me thinking about being rich and that led me to a few jokes about rich men.

$$$$$$$$$$$$

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven lugging his suitcase filled with gold.

An angel greeted him. Seeing the suitcase, the angel said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to the angel that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with God.

Sure enough, the angel checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

The angel opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A poor Jew finds a wallet with $1000 in it. At his shul, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a $100 reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner and gives him the wallet.

The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."

The poor Jew responds, "What are you talking about?"

The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had $1100 in it when I lost it."

The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the saintly, beloved Rabbi Katz.

Both men present their case. The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Rabbi Katz, I trust you believe me."

Rabbi Katz says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then Rabbi Katz takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.

"What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily.

Rabbi Katz responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $1100 in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."

"What about my money?" the rich man asks.

"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with $1100 in it!"

++++++++++++

Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys. He is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him….He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

 “My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.”

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings.

As Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.” 

The wife replies, “The idiot had a paper route.”

And changing subjects:

·         Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners but catscan.

·         You can tell monopoly is an old game because there is a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail

·         I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

·         Turning vegan would be a big missed steak

·         Well, to be Frank I’d have to change my name.

And finally

At a Sunday worship service, a pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."  

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is "sternum"."

Aged like a fine JOW #980

There are a few reliable sources of jokes for me even after almost 20 years of doing this - subjects like dogs, the battle of the sexes, kids, and old people.  For some reason, I find more in common with old people jokes than I used to.   I hope you enjoy these.

Some people take aging really well.

·         One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.  Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.   

·         If things get better with age I must be getting pretty awesome by now.

·         I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

·         Age gets better with wine.

·         I take a glass of wine in the evening for my health.  The others glasses are for witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

·         Some people exercise regularly so they can look better naked. But wine does that, too. 

Others not so much. 

·         When I was a kid I wanted to be older.  This shit is not what I expected.

·         Old age is coming for me at a really bad time.

·         Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

·         I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

·         I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

·         When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

·         Sometimes I laugh so hard tears run down my leg.

·         The biggest lie I tell myself is, ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

·         At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.  Well, unless it’s the bathroom.

·         Mirror, mirror on the wall.  What the hell happened?

·         Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer and come out wrinkle free and two so sizes smaller?

~~~~~~~~~~   

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
but it's worse when you forget to pull it down.   

--------------------

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  

+++++++++++++++++

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide.   The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."  
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter; let's look for yours."

A few more modern bits:

If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone.

~~~~~~~~~~

I think we need road signs that warn about head down phone zombies.

----

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said... don't do it man ... you will never here the end of it..

_______

It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that myself.

============

Dick sent me an old Jay Leno joke, “A study recently revealed that the group of immigrants that acclimates fastest to life in America is the Chinese.  That is amazing because most Chinese people don’t know a word of Spanish when they get here.”

Some one line observations

·         Life is short.  If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me.  I will.

·         Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

·         Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

·         Crushing soda cans is soda pressing.

·         We are looking for new salad puns.  Lettuce know.

·         Irony.  The opposite of wrinkly.

·         If you get lost in the woods, try talking about politics.  Someone will show up to argue with you.

·         When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet. 

And let me end this with an Aggie Joke

An Aggie is on a bus sitting next to a fully endowed lady breast feeding her baby.  “Lady”, the Aggie asked, “how did your baby get so big and healthy?” 

“I don’t know”, she replied, “all I feed him is milk and orange juice.” 

A little above his level, the confused Aggie asked “Well, lady, which one is the orange juice?”