Donated JOW #861

Ruth is settling into her new physician assistant job here on the res; this is easier now that we have this recreational trailer to live in.  It has been hard to keep up with all the changes we are going through.  Fortuately for me I got a bunch of donated stories and jokes.  I had some really good replies from my semi-religious jokes last week that I want to start out with them.

From Pat

A Houston minister headed home for dinner when passed by a drunk driver going 70 miles an hour.  The minister was enraged and decided to make a citizen’s arrest, so stepped on the gas and chased after him.  The poor minister, probably never have driven faster than the double nickel in his entire life, can’t make a tight turn and goes down the concrete embankment into the water of a large drainage canal.  The drunk, noticing the accident in his rear view mirror, stops, backs up until on the roadway above the minister’s car, and calls down, “Are you all right, friend?” By then the exasperated minister shouts back, “Of course I’m okay, GOD RIDES WITH ME!”

Unperturbed, the drunk shouts back “Better let him ride with me, then, because you’re going to kill him.”

And this medially-related one for Ruth:

 “Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, but catscan.”

Bill provided this touching story

In Ireland -  the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and

trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm

milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the

kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received

as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous

amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass

to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they

knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to 

have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom

before you leave us"

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them

and said: "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

And these unrelated test questions.

What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
*Wet

How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand. 

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

From Richard

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.  How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?'  Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. 

Here is an astute answer: 

1)    When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  

2)  When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

3)    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!! 

And finally, this is from Scott – a pun that left me deeply envious.

A poor Indian tribe was holding a massive homecoming event for one of their young men, Charlie.  He had recently graduated from Cal Tech with a degree in Electrical Engineering.  The tribe had made sacrifices to help pay for his education.

Charlie: Chief, I am humbled by the sacrifices my people have made to help me obtain a degree from Cal Tech.  What can I do to repay?

 Chief: Charlie, you have brought great honor to your tribe by graduating from college and by allowing us to help.  There is no need to repay us.

 Charlie: Chief, I am humbled by the honor the tribe has given me but I feel obligated to do something for them.  Can I build anything for them?

 Chief: Well Charlie, there is one thing.

 Charlie: Please tell what it is! I will do anything to show my thanks and respect for my elders and tribe.

 Chief:  Here on the reservation our life is simple and primitive.  At night, it is very dark because we do not have street lights and it is difficult to find the outhouse when it is that dark.  Could you make a lighted path to the outhouse?

 Charlie: Chief, it would be my honor.

 This made Charlie the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

Holy JOW! #860

It is Easter Week and so I tried to put in a few somewhat religious jokes and semi-inspirational sayings along with some bits on modern parenting I picked up of postings and tweets. I hope you enjoy them.

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Tommy was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Tommy was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

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A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

=====================

When young Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after she finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. Her mother’s curiosity got the best of me and so she asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response: "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

That leads me to parenting these days.  Here are some posts by moms on kids.

I asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

*In church 9 year old: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing...
Mom: [Whispers] So we don't fall asleep

Daughter: You are invading my personal space!

Mom: You came out of my personal space!

A mom shakes her black, magic 8 ball looking for an answer.

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?"
The magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess

Mom: *Mary Poppins voice* “Ok, children! Time to go!”
[15 min later]
Mom*Batman voice* “ I said let's go.”

10 year old: Mom what's a metaphor?
Mom: My life is a train wreck.

10 year old: I know, but what is a metaphor?

Then there is the kid-raising by Dads

My wife and I have decided that we don't want any kids. Unfortunately, we have two.

"Dad, you called me my brother's name."
Das: “I'm sorry *10 second pause* little dude.”

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

Parenting is like being a juggler except all the balls are screaming.

Dad: *winning a Pokemon battle*” This is my greatest accomplishment.”
Wife: “Uh, you have four kids.”
Dad: “You're right. I should tell them I won.”

Movie tickets for four: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5
Seeing the smiles on your family's faces: $126

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Dad: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

7 year old daughter: Dad, do trees poop?
Dad: Of course!
7 year old: Really?
Dad: Why do you think they call them "Number 2" pencils?

5year old: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Dad: I don't see why not.
5year old: Mommy said I couldn't.
Dad: There's the why not.

Son: am I adopted?
Dad: not yet, but we're hopeful.

12year old: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Dad: What's wrong with the haunted house we live in?
12yo: WHAT?!
Dad: Goodnight, son.

Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.

The school just told me my son was gifted which can't be right because I distinctly remember paying a lot of money for him.

With my wife away, my children keep asking me for things like meals and band aids and sympathy, but I don't know where we keep any of that.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

Finally, Woody sent these good thoughts for Lent

Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers. 

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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

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When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. 

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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, middle of the road, and back of the church. 

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Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever. 

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Quit griping about your church; If it was perfect, you couldn't belong. 

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If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has. 

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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

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Peace starts with a smile. 

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I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

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Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

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Don' t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

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Forbidden fruits create many jams. 

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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. 

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats! 

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Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
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The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. 

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The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. 

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We don't change the message, the message changes us.

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You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage them.