Chuck Norris Strikes again - with a roundhouse kick JOW #853

I got to thinking about Chuck Norris jokes.  Chuck Norris is 76 – or should I say 76 turned Chuck Norris? The actor and martial artist, might have an impressive resume but it is an internet craze for which he is now best known. "Chuck Norris facts" have arguably overshadowed all of the actor's previous achievements. Deliberately absurd, and focusing on Norris's virility, manliness and all-round heroism, a typical "Chuck Norris fact" runs something like: "Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting."

Here are a few more just for fun.

·         He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris, it's definitely his last laugh.

·         Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra and after five days of excruciating pain... the cobra died.

·         If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.

·         Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

·         Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has dared call him on it. Ever.

·         Superheroes read Chuck Norris comics.

·         When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

·         In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

·         The boogieman looks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. You answered the wrong phone.

·         If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

·         Cats tell each other that they have Chuck Norris-like reflexes.

·         Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

·         It only takes Chuck Norris twenty minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

·         When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

·         Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

·         Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

·         Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

·         Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

·         Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

·         Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

·         Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

·         Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all three at the same time.

·         Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

·         The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep; he waits.

Lexophilia from Dick

·         Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

·         A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

·         I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·         Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

·         England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

·         I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

·         They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

·         I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

·         I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

·         This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

·         I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

·         I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

·         I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

·         When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·         What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

·         All the toilets in the police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

·         I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Bill supplied these questions

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

And these Irish jokes

I never think before I talk.  I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what I say.

Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway.

It does not matter how much money you have, how big your house is, or how much land you own, all graves are the same size.

The brain is an amazing organ.  It develops gradually and works hard from birth right up until you fall in love.

Every woman’s dream:  A big strong man takes her in his arms, throws her on to the bed…. And then cleans the whole house while she takes a nap.

An old couple were sitting on the porch.

I remember when you held my hand,” said the old lady.

The old man reach over and took her hand.

“I remember when you kissed me all the time.”

The old man gave her a peck on the cheek.

She continued, “I remember when you used to nibble on my neck.”

The old man got up and shuffled into the house.

“Where are you going?”

“To put my teeth in.”

And finally one from Woody

After my prostate exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I’ve ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. 

As she shut the door, she asked me a question i didn't want to hear.

She said, "who was that guy?"

Bookish JOW #852

My JOW is quite late this week.  My main computer was running slowly on the internet so I went to the Microsoft store to ask what I could do.  “Brining your machine in for a free quick tune up,” they said.  “It will be easy,” they said.  We can have it back to you by Tuesday,” they said.  So, late last night I finally got my computer back.  All I have to do now is reinstall (and in some cases purchase) my applications.  Sigh.

I case some of you missed it my new novel is out on Amazon.  You can purchase an online copy for your reader or computer for only 99 cents.  To find my new book, and all my old ones as well, just go to Amazon.com and type in Thos. Pinney in the search bar. 

With books on my mind my jokes are more or less related to literary things:

I was once asked, ‘I can't understand why you took a year to wright a novel when you can buy one for a few bucks.’

_____________

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl!" 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Man: CAN I HAVE A BURGER AND FRIES?
Librarian: This is a library!
Man: (whispers) Can I have a burger and fries?

“””””””””””””””

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

How many authors does it take to change a light bulb?

That’s not important, let me tell you about my new book!

----------------------

How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. One writer to ask if it ‘really’ needs to be changed.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb

++++++++++++++++++++

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman who went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"?

She was having contractions.

Some book quotes:

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
- P.J. O’Rourke
If good books did good, the world would have been converted long ago.
- George Moore

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
One trouble with developing speed reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you've already finished it.
- Franklin P. Jones

There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.
- Joseph Brodsky

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
- Gilbert K. Chesterton

I heard that Amazon has started a program to try to get people to trade in their old bound books to get an electronic reader. They call it “Kindling.”
- Kate Deimling
Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders are readers.
- Harry S Truman
Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.
- George Bernard Shaw

One advantage reading books has over TV is you can’t read books and do housework at the same time.
- Melanie White

When I visit a new bookstore, I demand cleanliness, computer monitors, and rigorous alphabetization. When I visit a secondhand bookstore, I prefer indifferent housekeeping, sleeping cats, and sufficient organizational chaos.
- Anne Fadiman
What do I miss? Second-hand bookshops where I can find things I had no idea I wanted.
- David Mitchell

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT ARE NOT RECOMMENDED BY THE NATIONAL LIBRARY ASSOC

Clifford the Big Dog is Put to Sleep

Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will

The Shortest Books Ever Written

1000 Years of German Humor
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Vatican List of Celibate Priests
Americans’ Guide to Etiquette
Bill Clinton: A Portrait of Integrity
Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Countries Competing In The World Series
The Englishman’s Guide to the Secrets of Romance

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
*************

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”