Memorial JOW

Every year, without really knowing why, we observe Memorial Day on the last Monday in May. Here is a little history - originally called "Decoration Day", it is a day designated to commemorate those who have died in combat while serving in the US Armed Forces. Memorial Day is often confused with Veteran’s Day, which is celebrated to honor all living soldiers and sailors who have served in an American war.
Historians have traced the origins of Memorial Day back to the American Civil War. Following the end of the terrible conflict people across the country decorated the graves of all the Civil War fallen with flowers and flags, and held special services for the deceased with songs and speeches. In 1971 President Richard Nixon established Memorial Day as a federal holiday. It is now most famous for marking the beginning of the summer season, just as Veteran’s day marks the end.

To mark this recently passed holiday I have jokes for each of our services.



……………………………………..

Coast Guard



A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I’m on I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"



======================

Two Air Force jokes



Air Force Approach: Eagle 13, turn right to 330.

Eagle 13: Roger 330.

Approach: Eagle 13, I've been working since last night, Will you do me a favor?

Eagle 13: Affirmative. Go ahead.

Approach: Down below on your right, you'll see a base house with yellow roof near the lake. That is my house. I had a fight with the wife, and I'm worried she might take it out on my Harley. Do you see a Harley Davidson near the house?

Eagle 13: Negative sir. All I can see is a moving van.



+++++++++++++++++++++++++

An actual memo from the Alaska Air Command, February 1973

"Due to an administrative error, the original of the attached letter was forwarded to you. A new original has been accomplished and forwarded to AAC/JA (Alaskan Air Command, Judge Advocate office). Please place this carbon copy in your files and destroy the original."

-----------------------------

Army



The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying........... "Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++



After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump out of an airplane."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The First Sergeant noticed a new private one day and \barked at him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the First Sergeant asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The First Sergeant scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching troops in Basic today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my privates by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as 'First Sergeant.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, First Sergeant!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, First Sergeant!"

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."



‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.

The little girl said, "I want GI Joe and Barbie."

The mother smiled and said, "Darling, you know Barbie doesn't come with GI Joe."

The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, "Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken."



-----------------------------------

And a couple for the Navy/Marine team



The story of how the Marines became a branch under the Department of the Navy – It helps to know that the official mascot of Army is a mule.



It seems that after WW I, the war to end all wars, the US Govt. had a lot of surplus material that they had no use for. What to do with it was a problem, and it was finally decided to hold an auction and sell everything off.

The day of the auction came, and progressed smoothly throughout the day. At the end of the day, everything had been sold off except the Marines and a tired old jackass.

Not wanting anything left over, the govt. decided to flip a coin between the Army and Navy, the winner getting their choice of the two left over items.

The Army won the toss, and the rest is history.



……………………………………

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley.

Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! And he's a retired Marine!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna smiled: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an older dress."



------------------------

Once upon a time there was an admiral who commanded a carrier task force, and had his flag on the carrier.

For exercise, the admiral walked a lap around the flight deck every day. It became custom for the sailors to approach the Admiral during his walks, and gripe, complain, etc., and the Admiral would take care of the problems brought forth by the crew. It was a great morale booster.

Well, the day came when the Admiral was reassigned to Washington, and a helicopter carried him off. The crew was so despondent at his departure that the helmsman wasn't paying attention to his job, and the carrier ran aground on a sandbar.

Yes, they grounded the warship he walked on.



Tom

JOW of Letters

Bil and Dick baled me out this week by passing some good fodder for the JOW hopper. They all have something to do ‘sort of’ with letters. I hope you enjoy them.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Short letters:

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Justin Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2011,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1981

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead now.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
Seal Team Six

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Bad Dancers,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because we ran out of good stones to chisel.
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b*tch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Human Man,
That thing is cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

============
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters 'L I C Z W I X K.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canuck, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Polack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat & a Swiss man go to a pub......
The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in here without a Thai. "

…………………………….
Dick also sent me this one I remember from our time in Florida. Mosquitoes are big there - I once dreamed of a loud buzzing sound; when I woke up I was in the top of a pine tree with two mosquitoes.
One of the mosquitoes turns to the other and says "Should we eat him here or take him home to eat him later?
The other mosquito says in response "We better eat him here or the big ones will take him away from us


And finally a warning from Martha:

Shampoo alert!
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Barely Legal JOW

My youngest child just found out she passed the California Bar Exam, thus ending a long journey that qualified her to practice law in that state. There are those who might say that California doesn’t exactly need more lawyers. It has been estimated that at the current rate of increase in lawyers by the year 2025 there will be more lawyers in California than humans. Most people have the same fondness for lawyers that sheep have for coyotes. Of course in reality it is not that bad; after all 98% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Still, when a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer and we pay him millions.

There is a rich tradition of lawyer jokes, and I have certainly used many of them in previous JOWs. Here are some relatively new ones.
============================

You Might Be A Lawyer If....
You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long
Your syntax is a combination of the most unintelligible elements of James Joyce, Geoffrey Chaucer, and Dr. Suess
++++++++++++++++++++++

Some lawyer quizzes:

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
________________________
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
1. How much money do you have?
2. Where can you get more?
3. Do you have anything you can sell?
-----------------------------------

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
• Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
• When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
• Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
• Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
• A prison guard is shaving your head.

++++++++++++++++++

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.
"Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.
"What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client.
"You’re right. It's mine."
______________________

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
--------------------------------------------

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $100 when we broke in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God’s work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "You protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut
------------------------------------------------

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"
And God created lawyers.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

Take it to the Bank JOW

I managed to refinance our home mortgage this week. I mentioned it to a friend who suggested banks and loans and such as a topic for my JOW. “Naw, banking is boring.” Then I got to thinking about some of the loans approved a few years back. Apparently some loan officers do have a sense of humor. In fact, there must be something funny going on because the men and women who stole tens of billions of dollars are laughing all the way from the bank. Of course they had expenses to meet – the cost of campaign contributions being what they are. Just remember, if you give businessman money to influence a decision it is ‘bribery’; if you give a politician money to influence their decisions it is a ‘campaign contribution.’

First, one of my long time favorite jokes about vice presidents:

Roger was very excited about being promoted to Vice President at the bank. He just couldn't quit bragging about it. Finally, his wife couldn't take it any longer. She said, "You're so full of yourself! Vice president is no big deal. They even have a vice president of prunes at the grocery store."
"That is not so!" said Roger. To prove it, he dialed the grocery store's number. When the operator answered, he asked, "May I speak to the Vice president of prunes?"
"Sure, Canned or Dried?” replied the operator.

----------------------------------
The bank's training director sent a memo out to all staff members that said "In next month's training session, I plan to address ethics. To help you prepare for the session, please be sure to read Subsection 215(e) of Title 18 (United States Code). Title 18 is where the Bank Bribery Act is located."
The next month, as the training director began the training session, she asked for a show of hands of all those who had read 18 USC Section 215(e). Every hand went up.
She smiled, then said, "Section 215 only has four subsections - a through d. There is no 215(e) in Title 18. Now, let's talk about ethics."

++++++++++++++
Uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Here are a few financial quotes:

• Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
--Josh Billings
• If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.
--Benjamin Franklin
• The best way to keep money in perspective is to have some.
--Louis Rukeyser
• Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
--Spike Milligan
• "I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
-- Paula Poundstone
• "[N]o matter how much the boss likes you, if you work in a bank you can't bring home samples.
-- Eddie Cantor
• "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Johnny Carson
• "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
-- Groucho Marx
• Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
--Bill Vaughan
• Last month I blew five thousand dollars at a reincarnation seminar. I got to thinking, what the hell, you only live once.
--Ronnie Shakes


~~~~~~~~~
The local bank initiated a very strict Know Your Customer policy, collecting detailed information about each customer in order to verify identity.
One day Lisa, who was five feet, two and “pleasingly plump” came in to open a new account. She filled out her new account application and handed it back to the customer service rep. She noted that Lisa had indicated on the form that she was Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds,
The customer rep pondered the information for a minute before leaning over and gently saying, "Lisa, this is not the Internet."

……………………………
A supervisor overheard a teller saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any more."
Alarmed by what was being said, the supervisor rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, I personally placed an order for them just a couple of days ago."
Then the supervisor drew the teller aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she asked if we had any?"
"Counterfeit bills. Our ATM gave her one the other day and she was very worried about it."

Inscrutable JOW

My friend Bill sent me the first joke below; it got me wondering – why don’t I know more Chinese jokes, that is Chinese jokes that are funny. Well, I pondered and come up with a few. Note that I did not include the ‘Must be a Panda’ joke. I have some standards; they may be low but I have some.

Now here is Bill’s joke:

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
Demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
____________

A man was walking through Chinatown when he noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by an old Oriental man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt.
"How come you have a name like Hans Schmidt?" inquired the stranger.
"Is simple," says the old Chinese fellow. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, stand in immigration line behind a big German guy. Immigration lady look at him and go, "What your name?"
He say, "Hans Schmidt."
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sam Ting."

--------------------------------
Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American.
Bu changes his name to Buck.
Chu changes his name to Chuck.
And Fu…… got sent back to China.

++++++++++++++++++++++
A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong had a child. They asked the nurse if they could see their ne baby. The nurse brought their baby, and it was a white baby.
The two of them said “That can’t be ours. That's a white baby, and two Wongs don't make a white."

………………………………..
A lady sees some Chinese characters on a Chinese menu. She likes them, so she goes home and makes a shirt with the symbols on it. Later that day, she bumps into a Chinese person. The person looks at her and says "Do you know what your shirt says?"
The lady admits that she doesn't know and asks the man to translate.
The man says, "Your shirt says you are 'cheap but good'."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a chicken farmer who lived in a small village in China.
One year, all of his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land.
First, he visited Mr. Ching, the renowned scholar. Mr. Ching leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.
The farmer then went to the head of the Ming family, reputed to be the wisest in the land. The patriarch, Mr. Ming, talked to all his many relations and after much consultation they came up with the answer: "Tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chicken."
Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription.
So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.
The moral of this story:
"All of Ching's courses and all of Ming's kin couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen.