The Simpsons JOW

FXx, one of the many cable outlets now popping up, is running all The Simpsons episodes back to back day and night – in sequence.  It will take them twelve days to run all 552 episodes. The show has been running since 1989 which makes it the longest running scripted television series in history.   I have always been a fan of the cartoon antics of the Simpson family in part because I enjoy ‘stupid’ jokes and self depreciating humor.  I also enjoy many of the esoteric references you can find hidden away in the episodes.  Literally thousands of famous celebrities have done voice bits.  So, in honor of the gang from Springfield, here are some of my favorites from The Simpsons:

Here are some of Homer’s quotes from the show.

            On life:

·         Alcohol: the cause of and solution to all of life's problems

·         Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?

·         Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’

·         Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

·         Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

·         Homer no function beer well without.

·         How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

·         I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

·         All my life I’ve had one dream: to achieve my many goals.

·         I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!

On work:

·         Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

·         Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

·         If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can’t speak English. You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

·         I’m never going to be disabled. I’m sick of being so healthy.

·         If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing

·         I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

·         That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!

On family:

·         Well, it’s 1 A.M. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

·         I want to share something with you, Bart: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

·         Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

·         It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to do it and still fit in eight hours of TV a day.

·         Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

·         Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

·         Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

·         But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

·         Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

There are lots of other characters on the series that can crack me up with topical jibes.

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Police Chief Wiggum for example, is directing the mass deportation of Shelbyville refugees and he provides classic instructions: "OK, we'll put the tired over here, the poor over there, and the huddled masses yearning to breathe free over there."

*****************

Principal Skinner: "Do you kids want t be like the real UN, or do you want to squabble and waste time?"

At the elementary school, Principal Skinner is heard fielding an angry call from the superintendent. "I know Weinstein's parents were upset," he stammers. "But, but, ah, I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made-up: 'Yom Kip-pur."

===============

Sideshow Bob, voiced by Kelsey Grammer is a recurring character who keeps trying to kill Bart.  Bob's prisoner number is 24601, which I recognized as Jean Valjean's prisoner number in Les Misérable.  (See the benefits of a liberal arts education?)  I recall an episode when Sideshow Bob is in court, accused of trying to kill Bart (again). 

The lawyer says to him on the stand, “But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob responds by saying, "No, That's German for, 'The Bart, The."
Someone in the courtroom then whispers, "No one who speaks German could be an evil man."

++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old people are a staple for humor.  Homer’s grandpa is a great source of material:

·         Dad, you’ve done a lot of great things, but you’re a very old man, and old people are useless.

·         Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer – “Be good or I’ll put you in a retirement home.”

      Grandpa – “You already did!
      Homer – “I’ll put you in that retirement home we saw on 60 Minutes.” 
      Grandpa, very contritely – “I’ll be good.”

On one episode Grampa Simpson picks up a condom wrapper and says, "'Laaaaay-tex connn-dome.' Boy, I'd like to live in one of those!"

In another episode, he mentions his plans to sell sex tonic in the towns of Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, and Lake Flaccid.

Grandpa: "Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions." (Cleveland was the only President of the US to serve two non-consecutive terms.)

Milhouse, on falling in love: "It was just like Romeo and Juliet, only it ended in tragedy."

And finally there is Lisa, (who is nothing, nothing like Tiffany.) 

Lisa: Oedipus is the one who killed his father and married his mother
Homer: Argh! who paid for that wedding?

Dam Sirius JOW #726

It is the hottest time of the year, the so-called ‘dog days of summer’.  This is the time when I often make dogs the subject of my jokes even though I am well aware the ‘dog days’ refer to Sirius the Dog Star.  It does not matter; here are a few more or less dog-related bits of humor for your enjoyment.

***************

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar. He didn’t do half of that stuff."

  **********************

The dog lawyer  (he went to Paw School as a legacy, his father had attended tried a leash law case.  The other side objected - Claimed he was leading the witness.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

“You’re not fat,” said the sled dog to her puppy, “you are just a little Husky.”

Three stupid dog riddles:

Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?

 A: He was trying to make both ends meet!

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A: A collie-flower!

Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a tiger?

A: A very nervous postman.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
A man walks into a biker bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that Rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."

"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could a little runt kill my Rottweiler?"

"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat."

+++++++++++++++++++++++
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

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An old tired looking dog began showing up at our house.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well cared for.  He let me pat him on the head and then curled up on the front porch and went to sleep.  After a few hours he got up and headed back up the street. 

The next day, there he was again. This became his routine for a couple of weeks – he would show up, sleep for a few hours, and then disappear.  Eventually I got curious and attached a note to his collar. 

“I just thought you would like to know that your sweet dog comes over to our house every afternoon and takes a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap with a different note pinned to his collar.

“He lives in a house with six children, two under the age of four.  He is trying to catch up on his sleep.  Can I come with him tomorrow?”

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Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

And finally an off-topic joke to close:

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR!    I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now - when I went ''ROARRRR!”

Stored JOW #725

The heat is on here in east Texas which is only to be expected as we approach the dog days.  Not only is it seasonably (which is not to say comfortably) hot we have other domestic issues.

The price of food in general and meat in particular has been going up for a while now.  Recently the price of bacon has skyrocketed.  This might be because bacon is the duct tape of food.  I mean everybody likes bacon.  Either you like bacon or you are wrong.  We are being overrun by feral hogs here in the south at the same time there seems to be a shortage of domestic pigs.  A coincidence?  I hope so.  

Now for the jokes:

Tom sent me a couple of ethnic bits of wisdom:

The Jewish Elbow
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

These cynical thoughts are passed on are from Richard of Palisades:

·         If someone hates you for no reason, I recommend you give the asshole a reason to hate you.

·         I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and crap a better argument than that.

·         You are not stupid.  You just have bad luck when thinking.

·         Wine – it is how classy people get drunk

·         I hate it when someone says that a person is ‘a nice person once you get to know him’, is like saying ‘he is a dickhead but you get used to it.’

A story with a moral:

Once upon a time there was a little bird who fell from his nest down to the cold ground.  As he squatted there shivering a cow came by.

“Please help me, oh, cow,” asked the little bird, “I am so cold, and I am sure to be eaten by a coyote.”

All the cow did was turn around and drop a cow pie right on the bird’s head. 

At first the little bird was even more unhappy but then he realized that the poop was nice and warm.  He soon was so comfortable that he stuck his little head out of the cow pie and began singing for joy.

A coyote heard the little bird singing and came over and ate the little bird up.

There are two morals to this story.

-Not everyone who shits on your head is your enemy.

-When you are up to your neck in shit, keep your mouth shut.

Here is another one from Tom:

The Chinese have a "Foo-bird" indigenous to the area and it flies around and does poo-poo from the air, and the legend has it that it is very bad luck to wipe off the poo-poo that hits you for an hour or so. One day Chuan is walking along in a field and a foo-bird shits on his shoulder. He wiped the stuff off his shoulder and right away he is hit by a bolt of lightning and killed. 

The moral of the story is, of course, "If the foo shits, wear it."

I wrap up with a couple of warnings:

I saw a really effective sign on a big gate: 

 

“Beware of the dog. 

He has a gun and refuses

to take his medication.”

And speaking of warning signs, I think this one ought to be on every bottle of Tequila:

Warning: drinking tequila before you are pregnant my cause you to become pregnant.