Spooky JOW #1954

This is a scary time for a lot of people.  There is a pandemic, a hurricane in the gulf, fires all over the west, a blue moon, Halloween, a time change, and I turn 70, all on the same week.  I did not write these Halloween jokes myself.  I used a ghost writer.

~~~~~~

Somebody asked me if I had plans for the fall.  It took me a moment to realize they were talking about autumn, not the collapse of civilization.

-----

I see California is having rolling blackouts again, which leads to the riddle, 

‘What’s the difference between the Titanic and California?’ 

‘The Titanic had its lights on when it went down.’

======

Some of the neighborhood kids look better wearing masks.  Of course, the big issue is which mask they will wear; N95 or surgical.

>>>>> 

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t’ celebrate Halloween.  I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

<<<<<<< 

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cackle manically and people will back slowly away from you

^^^^

Retreat — To get another piece of candy on Halloween

“”””

It must be fall: saw my first pumpkin spice facemask yesterday.

 

Some Halloween riddles.

 

Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?

 A: Boo jeans.

Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?

A: You never know which witch is which!

Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

A: Because they have no-body to go with.

Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?

A: At the ghost-ery store!

Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern?
A: A pumpkin patch.

Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?
A: The Crossing Gourd.

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash.

Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A: A coffin.

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

****

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

+++++

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

 

Shifting gears

 

There have been so many jokes about this Covid that scientists claim we are in the midst of a pandemic.

My idea of gardening in 2020 is to plant myself in front of the TV set.  You should see how much I have grown.

My trash can has gone out more often this year than I have.

Me: Alexa, what’s the weather going to be this weekend?

Alexa: It doesn’t matter, you aren’t going anywhere.

The cops just left.  They said if I was going to walk around the house naked, I would have to do it inside.

If you think this lockdown is bad, think of Osama Bin Laden.  He was stuck inside with three wives for five years.  I bet he called those Navy Seals himself.

 

In consonance with the current political atmosphere, the band “The Police” will now be known as the “Social Workers”

 

I heard Twitter and Facebook are going to merge. They will be known as YouTwitface.

 

Tell me comrade, what is the definition of capitalism?

The exploitation of man by man.

And what is the definition of communism?

The reverse.

Some random thoughts

·         No one is perfect.  Everybody’s ass has a crack in it.

·         Don’t always trust everything you see.  Even salt looks like sugar

·         A ship is always safe at shore but that is not what it’s built for.

·         Any fool can know.  The point is to understand.

·         A smart person knows what to say.  A wise person knows whether to say it or not.

·         To a doctor, no one is healthy.  To a policeman no one is honest.  To a soldier no one is safe

And finally

“You know, it´s times like this I wished I had listened to what my mother has always told me.”
“What did she say?”
“I don´t know, I wasn´t listening.  But I remember what my father always said to me.”

“What was that.”

“Get out of the bathroom!  What are you doing in there?  Let somebody else have a chance.”

Kid stuff JOW. #1053

My JOW is based on things kids say.  It is illuminating to see their different perspectives on things.  I will begin with some of the issues of modern children with technology.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

-------

On his first visit to our library, the librarian gave a six-year-old boy a bookmark. More familiar with electronic gadgets than old-school tools, he had no clue how it worked. So she demonstrated by placing it between two pages, then closing the book. "When you start reading again, voilà!" she said, opening the book to the bookmarked page.
"Wow!" he said, deeply impressed. "That’s cool!"

~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks after the death of his grandfather, a woman found her seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard.

"You know, Kyle," his mother said, "when we die, we'll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven."
With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, "That's easy for you to say. You don't have to wait that long!"

++++++

At our supermarket, I noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop.
Finally, she blurted out, "I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!"
The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one of them tugged on his mother's dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss.

Here are some responses to kids asked to complete sayings

It is always darkest before                          Daylight Savings Time

Never underestimate the power of              Termites

Don’t bit the hand that                                 looks dirty

The pen is mightier than                              the pigs inside

Where there’s smoke there’s                        pollution

Two’s company, three’s                               the Musketeers

There ae none so blind as                            Stevie Wonder

Children should be seen and not                 spanked or grounded

A bird in the hand                                        is going to poop on you

A penny saved is                                          not much

A miss is as good as a                                  mister

You can’t teach an old dog                           new math

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.                         his wife could eat no carbs.

And my personal favorite

Better late than                                              pregnant

 

^^^^^^
A youngster was looking at the bathroom scale curiously.  "Don’t go on that, Joey," warned the boy’s slightly older brother.  "It makes people cry."

-----

A seven year old walking through a casino for the first time observed, "This is like Chuck E. Cheese for old people."

++++

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, “Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot milk and one for cold?”

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it's me?”

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don't give me this juice again,” she said. “It makes my teeth cough.”

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn't your skin fit your face?”

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked, “What happened to the flea?”

And finally, a story about old people

 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 69-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

 

Ironic Maundering JOW #1052

 

I am approaching a ‘certain age’ - again.  Growing old should have taken longer.  I now run like the winded.  And when I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. I’m at that delusional age where I think everyone my age looks way older than I do.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller? 

And as for my older friends, you still haven't learned to act your age - and I hope you never will.

·         Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Instead, spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

·         Hugh Hefner became a millionaire by staying home and wearing a bathrobe.  I’m not getting the same result.

·         Communications are better now, but on the other hand kids today will never have the joy of finding a quarter in a pay phone coin return.

·         Can you remember when drinking from a hose was the official sports drink?

·         The older I get, the earlier it gets late.  And the more I appreciate cancelled plans, early nights, and alcohol on sale.

·         At this point in my life the "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

·         The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

·         I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

·         I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but I did it.

·         When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.  And if you say, ‘you did nothing all day yesterday’ I reply that it’s because I did not finish.

And one more:

·         "One for the road" now means peeing before you leave the house

+++++

I got pulled over by the cops.  He said, “I can smell alcohol on your breath.”

I told him that’s because he was not social distancing.

 

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

 

From Dick

Coronacoster -The ups and downs some people get with the pandemic.  One day you are loving the bubble, going for long walks, and baking banana bread. The next you are crying for no reason, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.

 

Covid self test.  At 5:00 PM open a bottle of wine.  If you can smell and taste it, begin the celebration.

``````````

 Famous Last Words – ‘What a cute little bear cub.  Where’s your mother?”

~~~~~~~~

Job Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."

Interviewee: "I'd rather not. I kinda' want this job."

 ---------

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

Ways to entertain yourself in the ‘fourth quarter.’

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

When someone asks what you did over the weekend, squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

 

More fun with words

·         Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters? 

·         Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"? 

·         And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"? 

·         Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, law-breaking jerks."   How weird is that? 

And finally

Bancroft was an unimpressive man.  He had no viable skills or accomplishments. He has always dreamed of joining the king’s army and becoming a knight but was always rejected as he was too short. He would often complain to his friend, Alcott, about his height. He would repeatedly say, “If only I was taller, I would be able to be a knight.”
One day, a mad scientist overheard Bancroft’s and Alcott’s discussion. When he heard Bancroft’s plea for height, the mad scientist decided to intervene. He introduced himself to the gentlemen, and said he may have a solution to Bancroft’s ailment. He was working artificial knees fashioned from various metals: some copper, some brass but mostly iron. The mad scientist claimed this was designed to improve on the human bone which is fragile and weak. He tested it on himself and noticed that aside reducing the chance of injury there were notable positive side effects. He was able to run faster, jump higher and, oddly enough, was around six inches taller than before.
Bancroft did not need much convincing; he, immediately, agreed to the mad scientist’s proposal and wanted the knees installed right away. Alcott tried to convince Bancroft otherwise, but Bancroft did not care for Alcott’s plea. He made up his mind and would not have it any other way.
A few days later, the mad scientist completed the operation which was a success. Bancroft noticed his physical abilities improved substantially, and he was much taller. With this new found skill set and stature he marched to the king’s castle and demanded to join the king’s army. The commander put Bancroft through the initiation test which Bancroft passed with flying colors. The commander was amazed at Bancroft’s abilities and recruited him right away.
Bancroft went on for years fighting, defending the honor of the king. The king, himself, praised Bancroft for his valor and contribution to the nation. Bancroft was finally content, proud of his accomplishments and stronger than ever. He never mentioned his secret weapon to anyone fearing others will undergo the same operation, and then he would lose all the praise.
One day Bancroft collapsed while completing his rounds. Another knight determined that Bancroft was, in fact, dead. When doctor was examining Bancroft’s cold, dead body he noticed the artificial knees had rusted and the resulting Tetanus had killed Bancroft.
In the end the same object that made him a great warrior was the cause of his demise – oh, the iron knee!

 

SJW JOW #1051

 

My theme this week is Social Justice Warriors; they are very visible these days.  Like any group that takes itself too seriously, they are easy targets for jokes.  I am not saying that Social Justice Warriors are humorless - they just want a world in which chickens can cross the road without their intentions being questioned.  But before I start my themed jokes here is one quick topical quote.

~~~~~~~~~~

What is the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan? 

What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.

~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a progressive who is afraid of Covid 19?

A Social Distance Warrior

 

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

 

I caught a bunch of social justice warriors in my yard digging up large wooden stakes

They said the posts had to be removed before they caused a fence.

 

Why are people in I.T. the worst kind of social justice warriors?

They are always asking you to check your privileges.

 

Social Justice Warriors Favorite Sandwich:

The LGBT - Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon and Tomato

 

Did you hear about the insomniac social justice activist?

He was woke all the time.

 

What do you call a werewolf who has taken an interest in social justice?

Awarewolf

 

Heard at a job interview:

“According to your resume you identify yourself as a ‘Social Justice Warrior’.”

The tone of your voice indicates you are against me and that means you are making common cause with racists.”

“If I hired you would you stop saying crazy stuff like that?”

“Censorship!”

 

SJW logic:

Doctor -:I’m sorry to tell you that you have cancer.”

SJW – “Do YOU have cancer?”

Doctor – “No”

SJW – “Then you aren’t qualified to tell me I have cancer.”

 

Enough with the Social Justice Warriors.  Here are some other jokes.

 

A cowboy challenges a renowned Native American warrior to a bear hunt.

The native guy accepts, so they pack up their tools. The cowboy takes a two revolvers, three rifles and a bunch of knifes just in case. The native? Only one bow and just TWO arrows.
The cowboy is perplexed.
Cowboy: "Are you sure two arrows are all you need?"
Native American: "yup"
Cowboy: "Confident, I like it. But why two arrows, though? A spare in case you miss?"
Native American: "sometimes there are two bears".

^^^^^^^^^^

An American Indian man goes into town...

He walks in to the local administration building and enquirers about having a name change.
He is pointed to the right clerk, who ask him what his given name is.
The young warrior says:
"Among my people, I am called Very fast arrow that overtakes wind and is quicker than lightening that flies over the hill to hit a deer in mid jump over the stream."
"I see," says the clerk, "that is an unusually long name.  What would you like to be called now?"
"Whoosh"

>>>>>>> 

Guys, we need to stop testing our products on animals.

Why?  Shampoo companies do it all the time.

Yeah, but we make hammers.

--------

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

 

Some random thoughts

·         Age 70 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

·         Why is Mathematics the saddest field of study?  It just has so many problems.

·         What is the one-legged waiter’s favorite restaurant?  IHOP.

·         My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

A few things about pronunciations that bother me

Is the ‘s’ or ‘c’ in ‘scent’ silent?

Why are Zoey and Zoe pronounced the same but Joey and Joe aren’t?

The word ‘queue’ is apparently the letter Q followed by four silent letters.

Why is the letter ‘w’ pronounced ‘double u’ when it is clearly a ‘double v’?

Why does ‘fridge’ have a d in it but refrigerator doesn’t?

And why are Kansas and Arkansas pronounced so differently?

And what about the wide variability in pronouncing words that end with ‘ough’.  Think about it, bough, rough, dough, through, though….

 

The Birds and the Bees
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the Birds and the Bees?
"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech."
At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth Fairy' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

And finally some ethnic humor.

Some American Jewish tourists were on a trip to China.  They were delighted to find out there has been a Jewish community in China for many years, so they decided to attend the weekly service.  They were surprised to see that the congregants were all Asian.  After the service, the locals took an interest in the guests and asked what brought them to the synagogue. 

The tourists said because they share the same religion. 

A local said “Funny, you don’t look Jewish”. 

 

Back at it JOW #1050

 We are back home from the Rockies and have reestablished our routines.  They say that on average, a Panda eats about 12 hours a day.  Which is the same as a home under quarantine.  Which is why it is called a Pandemic.  My plan for today is to do nothing.  I did that yesterday, too, but I didn’t finish.  I did get finally get these Jokes of the Week done.

Some people say that 2020 is the worst year of their life.  But I like to quote Homer Simpson on that– “Worst year of your life so far.”

 Some thoughts from Bill

Four out of three people struggle with fractions.

 If you can’t laugh at yourself…someone else will do it for you.

 Of course size matters – nobody wants a small glass of wine.

 Today I rescued some wine that was trapped in a bottle.

 If I had to choose between drinking wine or being skinny I am not sure if I would chose red or white.

 Pubs – The official sunblock of Ireland

 My wife said I only have two faults.  I don’t listen to her and something else….

 My body is a temple – Ancient, crumbling, and probably cursed.

 Take the bouquet off my casket and throw it into the crowd so see who is next.

 Some days the supply of swear words is insufficient to meet my demands.

Patience is a virtue.  Just not one of my virtues.

 The best thing about the good old days is that I wasn’t old and I wasn’t particularly good, either.

 Should we now refer to white bread as ‘privilege loaf’?

 And if you tell your suitcases that you are not going to take them on vacation this year will you have to deal with emotional baggage?

 

From Woodie

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of fifty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for fifty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other thirty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you thirty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the thirty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...

 ++++++++++

And a story about a couple who were about to celebrate their Fiftieth Anniversary.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

 "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son number one   'Sorry I'm running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

 "Not to worry," said the father.  "The important thing is we're all together today."

 Son number two arrived.  "You and Mom look great.  Dad,    I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

 “It’s nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived "Hello and happy anniversary!  Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." 
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.  You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the

time to get married."  
The three children gasped and said, "WHAT?  You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones, too."

 Finally, an old folks remote story

An elderly couple were at home watching TV.  Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

Mary became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel… you know how to fish!"