CoVid19 Dependent JOW #1024

Wow – these are some strange days….I really didn’t mean to give up this much for Lent. 

We eat all out meals at home which is fine – Ruth is a good cook.  But she has been reduced to serving broccoli.  I wonder, is cauliflower a broccoli ghost?  What is the difference between broccoli and boogers?  Kids don’t eat broccoli.  (That is a takeoff from another joke about parsley which is R rated.) 

Basketball and hockey are suspended.  Baseball has delayed opening day.  Still no sports.   I have been watching birds coming to my fountain; so far the Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 5-1.  And with all this forced isolation at home with no sports we better start saving up for lots of baby showers in nine months or so.  And just think, in thirteen years we will have to start dealing with the “Quaranteens’.

And in that spirit here are some pickup lines from Clay:

·         Baby, do you need toilet paper?  Because I can be your Price Charmin.

·         You can’t spell virus without U and I.

·         You can’t spell quarantine without URAQT.

·         Without you my life would be as empty as a supermarket shelf

·         Hey, babe, can I ship you a drink?

·         Since all the public libraries are closed, I’m checking you out instead.

·         IF COVOD19 doesn’t take you out…. Can I?

·         I saw you from across the bar.  Stay there.

·         I really can’t stay… Baby It’s COVID19 out there.

Bill has been generous with his offerings this week.

·         Can I return the year 2020?  I was not satisfied with the three month trial period.

·         “We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color.”

·         “Apparently, this year is being written by Stephen King.”

·          “Day 2 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she’s my wife. Seems nice.”

·         “Like a good neighbor, stay over there.”

·         If you self-quarantine for your family’s safety, please be smart. I cannot afford to go to 15 baby showers in December.”

·         “Actually, it’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise it’s just sparkling isolation.”

·         “I’d hate to see a diarrhea virus break out right now. People would buy up all the nasal spray.”

·         On a photo of empty store shelves: “Y’all have Walmart looking like the Cleveland Browns’ trophy case.”

·         Over a photo of a guy wearing a plain white T-shirt: “2020 NCAA Champions Shirts, $19.95.”

·         “Day 3 of working from home and my wife has filed two sexual harassment claims with HR.”

·         Above a photo of a hand with words written all over the palm in ink: “I washed my hands so much that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced.”

·         Been homeschooling the kids.  So far one gotten detention and has been suspended

·         Back in the day, there was so much toilet paper that people used to literally string it up in the trees of their enemies.

·         Over a photo of Rod Serling: “Imagine no restaurants, bars, concerts or sports. You just entered The Twilight Zone.”

·         Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that message to 10 other people.

·         Somehow we have gone from worrying about unprotected sex to unprotected handshakes.

·         Keep smiling. This, too, shall pass. I think.

Seniors were lined up at the door of a grocery store when a young man come up and tried to cut into the front of the line.  An old lady began whacking him with her cane.  An old man started hitting him from the other side shouting, “Don’t mess with us seniors, sonny.”

Covering his head the young man tried to explain.  “If you don’t let me unlock the door you’ll never get in there.”

+++++++++++++

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me at home.”
“Good. What comes after three?”
“Four,” answered the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”
“Jack.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” 

The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” 

The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

~~~~~~~~

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a large snail on the porch.  

“Hello” says the snail.

Freaked out, the man picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three days later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

And finally, a Woody joke

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. 
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. 
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

Socially Distant JOW #1023

The current pandemic is unprecedented.  Historically, the closest thing to its impact on the US is the Great Depression of 1929.  I do not think we will need ten years to pull out of the hole we are plunging into, but I do believe we are going to be hurting for a long time.  Although we knew the disease was spreading, it was not until March 11^th that it really hit home.  I went by an Irish pub which was still open on St. Patrick’s Day.  They said I was too old to come in.  Oh, the irony.  It was a shock to realize that all the measures to protect old people included me!

Actually, we have taken the shelter in place advice to heart.  These days all I do is hang out, ride my bike, read, play games, eat every meal at home, and come inside before dark.  So it is pretty much like 1959 again.  Being housebound is not boring at all.  But I wonder why one of my bags of rice has 7,440 grains and the other 7,392?

Since I have done ‘epidemic’ jokes for the last two weeks, I wanted to provide some alternative humor.  But there are so much fodder from our current crisis I have to share a few more Covid19 jokes.

````````````

·         Chuck Norris got the Corona Virus.  The virus is now in quarantine.

·         Introverts!  Now is your time to shine.  Rise up and maintain your social distance!

·         They are teaching us about ‘the curve’ and how wash our hands.  Next week we will learn about other shapes and how to put on our shoes.

·         Finland has just closed its borders.  Now no one can cross the Finish Line.

·         I hear Clay asked Alexa how to make Xerox paper soft.

Enough with the ‘sick’ jokes

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

“Hello,” said the agent, “I’m looking for a man called Murphy.”

“Well you’re in luck,” said the farmer. “As it happens, there’s a village right over the hill where a butcher is called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are called Murphy. In fact, my name is Murphy.”

“Aha,” thought the agent, “here’s my man.” So he whispered the secret code: “The sun is shining … the grass is growing … the cows are ready for milking.”

“Oh,” said the farmer, “you’re looking for Murphy the spy. He’s in the village over the other direction.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, “Not guilty.”
The defendant leaps to his feet. “Awesome!” he shouts. “Does that mean I get to keep the money?” 

A golf joke

The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”
“Yes,” replies the woman.
“Did you hit him with the golf club?”
“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.
“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times. Oh look, just put me down for five.”

^^^^^^^

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt.
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asked.
“Here, boy,” he replies.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The manager of a jewelry store nabs a shoplifter trying to steal a necklace. “Listen,” the crook says, “you don’t want any trouble, and neither do I. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened?”
The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip.
“You know,” says the crook, “this is more than I wanted to spend. Got anything less expensive?” 

++++++++

A hobo knocks on the door of the George and the Dragon Inn. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the hobo.
“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.
A few minutes later, the hobo knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.
“Could I have a few words with George?” 

Finally, an inspirational story that fits the times

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into an old well.  The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.  He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.  A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up.  As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by
not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

A Plague upon you JOW #1022

So measures for stopping the Coronavirus mean we will have to stay inside, cut off from all personal connections with other humans.  To which Social Media replied, “No problem.  We got this.”  And not everyone has a problem with isolation.  As my friend Tor put it, ‘Some of us have been practicing social distancing for years.’

Everything is cancelled or closed.  With all the sports cancelled I’ve actually been talking to my wife.  She seems nice.  And why don’t liquor stores have empty shelves?  Don’t people realize they are going to be quarantined in the house with their family?  

It did not take long for the conspiracy theories to begin.  Some people claim Coronavirus was started by Netflix to get people to watch more of their television shows. Without sports I have to watch other things on TV.  Did you know that there is a thing called the Hallmark Channel where love actually wins in the end?  It is even fun watching the commercials, especially the ones for cruise lines and (my personal favorite) ads for the Chinese Dance Troop performances.

With all this fodder once again I will be cracking jokes about the virus. 

`````````

I know a great joke about Coronavirus; you probably won't get it though.

```````

Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?

What goes with the Corona Virus?   Lymes Disease.

------

Realtors are saying things like – “Can you see yourself being quarantined here?”

…..

There has been a rush on laxatives as hoarders try to make use of excessive toilet paper. 

 >>>>

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.  I’m not shaking hands because apparently some people have run out of toilet paper.

<<<<< 

There are some savings to be had because of the outbreak.  Mail order brides from Asia are now 50-75% off.

^^^^^^

Coronavirus fear is so bad in New Jersey that wives have a new reason not to touch their husbands.

+++++++
The NY Knicks cancelled their games. NO ONE NOTICED.
====
Hygiene is important these days.  T-Rex had such short arms they were unable to properly wash their hands.  They are now extinct.

<<<<<<<< 

Tom Hanks reports he has the virus, but I am not worried.  He has already survived a World War invasion, being stranded on an island, being stranded at an airport, a failed moon landing, an emergency flight landing in a river, and a ship hijacking.  He’ll be fine.

>>>>>>> 

Late one evening, Norm’s doorbell rang. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. “Ah, yes,” the doctor said.  There’s a nasty bug going around.”

“”””””””

We need to have some balance around all the hysteria.  Here are some words of wisdom:  

If you can sit unconcerned while the news is declares catastrophe after catastrophe; if financial downturns leave you perfectly calm; if you happily eat what is put before you; if you can fall asleep with a drink or a pill; if you find contentment wherever you are – you are probably the family dog.

Some non-topical jokes

A man came into a store with the stated purpose of buying an inexpensive suit.  The sales clerk told him he had just the thing and had him try on a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” the man complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only $30.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. “Good heavens,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”

“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “You make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!”

“Father!” cries the young monk. “What’s wrong?”

The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, “The word is celebrate!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, perhaps it was a mistake to start with the circumcision.”

Viral JOW #1021

There is literally nothing that we cannot make jokes about.  Even the currently ongoing hysteria about Corvid19 offers some grounds for humor.  Corvid19 is a potent Chinese version of the flu.   Sort of Kung Flu.  And the Chinese Year of the Rat starts out with a plague.  Ironic. 

This disease is a bit unusual.  People with the flu normally want to stay home in bed and do nothing.  Apparently people who have Corvid19 want to go on expensive vacations and cruise liners.

Unlike the majority of the population, I did not feel the need to rush out to buy soap and toilet paper with the latest epidemic threat. I already had some at home.  Especially toilet paper; thank you Costco – and Amazon.  The Great Toilet Paper Shortage was an odd response to the coronavirus outbreak. Coronavirus symptoms include fever, coughing, and shortness of breath. Nowhere has anyone said the coronavirus causes explosive diarrhea, and yet shelves are for some reason utterly bare.

Laughter is the best medicine.  Unless, of course, you have diarrhea.

All the people who make sanitizing jell must be rubbing their hands together in glee.

The World Health Organization stated that dogs cannot spread the disease and all dogs in quarantine should be let out.  So apparently – WHO let the dogs out.

Experts are confident that washing our hands frequently will combat Corvid19.  However, they also warn of an outbreak of OCD.

Corona Beer changed their name to avoid association with the corona virus.  However, the proposed alternative name, Ebola Extra, seems a poor choice.

Bond movie "No Time To Die" has been postponed due to the Coronavirus. Perhaps instead they should change the title of the movie to something less sensitive like "Quarantine Of Solace" or "A Flu to a Kill".

John Travolta, star of the movie “Grease” was recently tested for the Corvid-19 virus.  Apparently he just had “chills that were multiplying”.  Doctors believe it was only Saturday Night Fever, and he is still Staying Alive.

And Amazon employee in Seattle was confirmed to have Coronavirus.  Does that mean the rest of us could get it by Thursday if we order within the next two hours?  You have to admit, that is some Prime humor.

Some non-topic jokes

While eating Chinese takeout one evening, my son noticed there was no fortune in his cookie. “Oh, how unfortunate!” he exclaimed. 

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization. 

Bill reminded me of many of Will Rodger’s political quotes

Many great political jokes came from Pacific Palisades resident Will Rogers. For example:

·         “This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.”

·         “We shouldn’t elect a President. We should elect a magician.”

·         “I hope some of the men who get the most votes will be elected.”

·         “Republicans want a man that can lend dignity to the office. Democrats want a man that will lend some money.”

·         “Why sleep at home when you can sleep in Congress?”

·         “Elections are a good deal like marriages, there’s no accounting for anyone’s tastes.” 

·         “There are people so excited over this election that they think the President has something to do with running the country."

And

·         "The short memories of American voters are what keeps our politicians in office.” 

You really have to love the United States, and the idea that anyone born here, over the age of 35, can run for President—and they generally do. 

And finally one more from Bill.

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. 

 Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

 As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with marvelous cleavage.

 "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

 She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

 "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

 "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

 Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

 We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

 "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 "Still in the ditch, I guess."

Another Old JOW $1020

Ever notice the older we get, the more we're like computers? We start out with lots of memory and drive, then we become outdated and eventually have to start getting our parts replaced.  Getting older seems to be the only available way to live a long life.  But all is not lost. As George Burns put it: You can’t help getting older but you don’t have to get old.  With that in mind, here are some ‘old’ jokes:

How to tell if you are getting old – If you fall down and people come running over to help instead of laughing at you, you are getting old.

You know you are getting old when you get just one candle on the cake.  Is it an economy measure or are they want to make sure you can blow it out?  I mean it is sad when the candles cost more than the cake.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Your favorite sections of the newspaper the obituaries.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't

Some observations on aging.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he’s too old to go anywhere.

Aging is particularly had from women.  Phyllis Diller recommended marrying an older man.  That way as your beauty fades, so does his eyesight.  Joan Rivers said she didn’t feel old until she went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

You become like a bicycle - you can't stand without support because you’re just two tired. 

And thoughts on living a healthy lifestyle.

·         Good health is merely the slowest rate one can die.

·         Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

·         I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

·         Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.

Dianne provided me with these Hymns for Seniors:

·         Give me that Old Timers religion.

·         Precious Lord take my hand, and help me up.

·         Just a Slower walk with me.

·         Nobody knows the trouble I have seeing.

·         Guide me oh, Lord.  I have forgotten where I parked.

·         Blessed Insurance.

·         It is well with my soul, but my knees hurt.

Commandments of Gracious Aging

#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.

 #2 - Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.

 #3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

 #5 - You have days when your life is just a tent away from a circus.

 #6 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.

 #7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

 #8 - When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment.  Now it feels like a mini vacation.

 #9 - Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.

 #10 - You thought growing old would take longer...

 #11 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

~~~~~~~~~~

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.  When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, you are in fine condition," the doctor replied.  "I think you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

+++++++++++

Two smart young internists enjoyed trying to diagnose people passing by their table in the café.  They noticed an older fellow waddling up to the café with a strange gait.  He was shuffling forward bent over with his legs apart.

The two physicians observed the old man and stopped him.

“Sir,” said the first doctor, “I think you have chronic spinal stenosis.  I think I can help you.”

“Nonsense,” objected the second, “I think you are showing the symptoms of Munchan’s Syndrome.”

The old man pushed past them toward the restroom.  “Well, I thought I just had a fart.”

================

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 101 years old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great. Is he still married?”

The old timer said, "In fact, he just got married last week."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 101-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "He didn’t want to. He had to."