My daughter asked me to do a car-themed JOW. No problem. I have owned some awful cars in the past; the kind that if you crack a tail light it is totaled. Of course they had the nice feature of doubling in value every time you filled it up with gas. Guys at stoplights would start to wash my car window, stop, and give me a dollar.
So here are some jokes that are either car related, transportation related, or fit it with the Chili Cookoff. I will start with one of my favorites:
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Because if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans.
WORST CARS OF THE MILLENNIUM...as voted by NPR's Car Talk:
• The Yugo: "At least it had heated rear windows so your hands could stay warm while you pushed."
• Ford Pinto: "Remember that great Pinto bumper sticker? 'Hit me and we blow up together'?"
• Renault Le Car: "It would put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything larger than a croissant."
• Volkswagen Bus: "There was no heat--unless, that is, the auxiliary gas heater caught fire."
• Fiat X1/9: "It ran fine--that is, unless it was too wet, too cold, too hot or too dark outside."
• Chevrolet Vega: "As far as I could tell, the car was built from compressed rust."
• American Motors Gremlin: "It was entirely possible to read an entire Russian novel during the pause between stepping on the gas and feeling any semblance of forward motion."
The 1973 American Motors Gremlin combines the advantage of not worrying about it getting stolen with the advantage of it being so ugly that poisonous snakes flee from it in terror.
--Dave Barry
+++++++++++++++++
A Red Sox fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Yankees' fan he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis Church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankees' fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. Not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankees' fan."
"That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."
___________________
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" ask the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over—I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
==============================
An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.
"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"
"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.
"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
"Um, not quite --" the American begins, only to be interrupted again.
"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"
"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.
…………………………………………………………………..
Bubba and Leroy were chatting about Bubba's new purchase.
"What is that thang?" sez LeRoy.
"It's a thermos bottle," responds Bubba. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"What you got in there?"
"Chili and iced tea."
Thos. Pinney
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
High Flying JOW
Like all right thinking Americans I dislike the TSA. The TSA security measures are there primarily so politicians can say ‘look at all the money we are spending to “keep you safe”’. Seriously, not even the Israelis make people take off their shoes. I was briefly worried after the latest failed effort to blow up an airliner; I mean if a failed shoe bomber required us to take off our shoes, and a failed deodorant bomber made us show our toiletries, then there was a failed underwear bomber…
Jokes about the airport security abound:
Since the pen is mightier than the sword, will they soon ban ball point pens at airport screenings?
And thank goodness for those flying monkeys, the Tin Man would never get past the metal detectors.
Vermont and New York cheddar cheese can be brought on board airplanes, but not Wisconsin cheddar— it is by far the sharpest cheese in the cheddar family.
Two ex-Transportation Security Administration screeners were working security at a football stadium. One turns to the other and says,
“I miss pawing ladies' underwear like we could when we was screenin' for the TSA”.
------------------
Some good old airline and airplane jokes:
One of the oldest jokes I remember has to do with automation of flight controls. My long-time friend Nancy, (I did not say “old friend” because, like me, she is Still Under Sixty) has been working on such programs to reduce or even someday eliminate the need for pilots and their associated costs:
The passengers of a new airline were thrilled to be on the first flight of the sleep new airplane. Shortly after takeoff there was a communication from the cockpit.
“Welcome aboard Apple Airlines. We are climbing to our cruising altitude of 32,000 feet. This is the first commercial airline in the world to fly with no pilots. That’s right the entire flight will be controlled by sophisticated computers and operated by our new iFly program. Do not be concerned about the absence of flight crew. The flight program is absolutely flawless and nothing can possibly go wrong….go wrong….go wrong.
I told you it was an old joke. Here is a related but newer one.
----------------
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
“With my team's software the plane is unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.”
___________________
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
……………….
On a flight from Anchorage to Tokyo, the flight engineer went back into the passenger cabin. An elderly woman passenger stopped him and asked him what the temperature was.
'It's 70 degrees, madam,' he replied, adding, 'But outside it's 30 degrees below zero.'
'Young man,' the woman demanded, 'What were you doing outside?'
+++++++++++++++++++++
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said in a strangled voice, "You mean you're not the flight instructor"
****************
Finally, some aircraft truisms:
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• There is no such thing as too much airspace above you or runway behind you.
• If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
• The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
• When it comes to making the lowest possible pass, the best you can do is tie the record.
• Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, water, mountains and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
Thos. Pinney
Jokes about the airport security abound:
Since the pen is mightier than the sword, will they soon ban ball point pens at airport screenings?
And thank goodness for those flying monkeys, the Tin Man would never get past the metal detectors.
Vermont and New York cheddar cheese can be brought on board airplanes, but not Wisconsin cheddar— it is by far the sharpest cheese in the cheddar family.
Two ex-Transportation Security Administration screeners were working security at a football stadium. One turns to the other and says,
“I miss pawing ladies' underwear like we could when we was screenin' for the TSA”.
------------------
Some good old airline and airplane jokes:
One of the oldest jokes I remember has to do with automation of flight controls. My long-time friend Nancy, (I did not say “old friend” because, like me, she is Still Under Sixty) has been working on such programs to reduce or even someday eliminate the need for pilots and their associated costs:
The passengers of a new airline were thrilled to be on the first flight of the sleep new airplane. Shortly after takeoff there was a communication from the cockpit.
“Welcome aboard Apple Airlines. We are climbing to our cruising altitude of 32,000 feet. This is the first commercial airline in the world to fly with no pilots. That’s right the entire flight will be controlled by sophisticated computers and operated by our new iFly program. Do not be concerned about the absence of flight crew. The flight program is absolutely flawless and nothing can possibly go wrong….go wrong….go wrong.
I told you it was an old joke. Here is a related but newer one.
----------------
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
“With my team's software the plane is unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.”
___________________
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
……………….
On a flight from Anchorage to Tokyo, the flight engineer went back into the passenger cabin. An elderly woman passenger stopped him and asked him what the temperature was.
'It's 70 degrees, madam,' he replied, adding, 'But outside it's 30 degrees below zero.'
'Young man,' the woman demanded, 'What were you doing outside?'
+++++++++++++++++++++
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said in a strangled voice, "You mean you're not the flight instructor"
****************
Finally, some aircraft truisms:
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• There is no such thing as too much airspace above you or runway behind you.
• If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe
• What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
• The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; ...it can just barely kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
• When it comes to making the lowest possible pass, the best you can do is tie the record.
• Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, water, mountains and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
Thos. Pinney
Monday, October 11, 2010
A Child of the Sixties hits Sixty JOW
I used to worry about what it would be like to be middle-aged. Now I remember what it was like. It is hard to tell just when being middle-aged ends and being elderly begins these days, but turning 60 might just be one of those milestones. This comes home strongly to me when an old friend (and I use that term advisedly) passes that milestone. A true child of the Sixties had hit Sixty. Yes, Andy is now one of those fellows we used to watch sitting on the green benches in St. Petersburg back in our college days. I will grudgingly admit that he doesn’t act like an old fart, and he doesn’t look like some decrepit old geezer, and he certainly is in far better condition than most men ten years his junior. Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty. Of course, the simple fact of the matter is: Andy is now sixty years of age and I am not.
It is not all bad, is it? The sixties is the stage in your life when you become mature, reliable and dependable. In other words, you have become boring, predictable and conventional. Don’t give up enthusiasm for life just because you’ve reached the grand age of sixty. Do something outrageous and crazy – take up fly tying or stamp collecting; right after your afternoon nap.
______________
Mary Ellen, another woman of a certain age, reminds me that women are angels. If their wings are broken they simply continue to fly;
On a broomstick – they are flexible that way.
Here are three groaners for your amusement.
--------------------
There were once two baker’s shops in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.
One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city - it was a bread slicing machine that could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.
Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. No one went to the other baker's shop anymore and it was forced out of business.
After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker went to visit the first, to ask for a job.
"How did you do it?" he asked, "How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden."
"I'm not sure," said the first baker, "but I think it's got something to do with this four-loaf-cleaver I found..."
=====================
Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened down.
Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.
Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.
The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?
"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......
"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!!!"
++++++++++++++++++
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was an avid hunter; he took pride in shooting perfect trophy deer. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to: one eye was clouded with a cataract.
The hunter started to take aim with his gun, but his friend begged him to stop.
“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, "I think that's a bad eye deer"
It is not all bad, is it? The sixties is the stage in your life when you become mature, reliable and dependable. In other words, you have become boring, predictable and conventional. Don’t give up enthusiasm for life just because you’ve reached the grand age of sixty. Do something outrageous and crazy – take up fly tying or stamp collecting; right after your afternoon nap.
______________
Mary Ellen, another woman of a certain age, reminds me that women are angels. If their wings are broken they simply continue to fly;
On a broomstick – they are flexible that way.
Here are three groaners for your amusement.
--------------------
There were once two baker’s shops in a small village. They were in fierce competition, with half the village going to one, and the other half shopping at the other.
One day, one of the bakers bought himself a new device that he found for sale in the city - it was a bread slicing machine that could slice four loaves at once, using four large blades.
Suddenly, he found himself getting all the business in the town. No one went to the other baker's shop anymore and it was forced out of business.
After he had closed the shop for the final time, the second baker went to visit the first, to ask for a job.
"How did you do it?" he asked, "How did you get so much business from me? You just got so much good luck all of a sudden."
"I'm not sure," said the first baker, "but I think it's got something to do with this four-loaf-cleaver I found..."
=====================
Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire. The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened down.
Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.
Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.
The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?
"Yes," said the young man, "he did." As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......
"You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel!!!"
++++++++++++++++++
Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was an avid hunter; he took pride in shooting perfect trophy deer. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.
They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to: one eye was clouded with a cataract.
The hunter started to take aim with his gun, but his friend begged him to stop.
“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, "I think that's a bad eye deer"
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Imagine Whirled Peas
I vividly remember in the spring of 2002 watching military transport ships in the port of Houston being loaded with all the engines of war in preparation for the Second Gulf War. Recently I have noticed railroad flat cars loaded with desert camouflaged up-armored and well-worn Humvees, tanker trucks, and other military rolling stock all headed north; back to their various homes in bases here in the States. Equipment comes home from war just as men do. It got me thinking about peace and other deep thoughts. If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
Until that happens, here are some jokes for a peaceful week.
===========================
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man in Jerusalem who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. She thought that would make a good story. So she drove to the wall and, sure enough, there was the elderly gent, praying away. She watched him for an hour and, as he turned to leave, approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?”
“Sixty years.”
“Sixty years! Amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“So how do you feel after doing this for so long?”
“I feel like I’m talking to a bloody wall!”
Two recent headlines
“The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.”
“War Dims Hope for Peace.”
+++++++++++++++++++++
In order to, as Thomas Jefferson put it, “to promote domestic tranquility” here are some things that might lead to greater peace around the home:
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a man.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one of them is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - “What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Sports
b - Cars
c - Food
d - Sex
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
Of course the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - “Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear" or “Yes, more than ever,” or even “Of course”
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
3 - “Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room, by a window if necessary.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I’ve seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - “Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you glanced at or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - “What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
Wrong answers include:
a – Why, are you feeling sick?
b – Well, I would have a funeral for you or something
c – I guess, give all your clothes and stuff to your sister.
d - I probably would remarry; widows outnumber widowers by a wide margin
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
………………………..
Finally, a tribute to peace of another kind:
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Thos. Pinney
Until that happens, here are some jokes for a peaceful week.
===========================
A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man in Jerusalem who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. She thought that would make a good story. So she drove to the wall and, sure enough, there was the elderly gent, praying away. She watched him for an hour and, as he turned to leave, approached him for an interview.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall to pray?”
“Sixty years.”
“Sixty years! Amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between Christians, Jews and Muslims. I pray for all hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”
“So how do you feel after doing this for so long?”
“I feel like I’m talking to a bloody wall!”
Two recent headlines
“The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.”
“War Dims Hope for Peace.”
+++++++++++++++++++++
In order to, as Thomas Jefferson put it, “to promote domestic tranquility” here are some things that might lead to greater peace around the home:
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a man.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one of them is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - “What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Sports
b - Cars
c - Food
d - Sex
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
Of course the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - “Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear" or “Yes, more than ever,” or even “Of course”
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
3 - “Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room, by a window if necessary.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I’ve seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - “Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you glanced at or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - “What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
Wrong answers include:
a – Why, are you feeling sick?
b – Well, I would have a funeral for you or something
c – I guess, give all your clothes and stuff to your sister.
d - I probably would remarry; widows outnumber widowers by a wide margin
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
………………………..
Finally, a tribute to peace of another kind:
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
Thos. Pinney
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)