Oldies but Goodies JOW #1217

 The background music of my life, the music I hear in the gym, the grocery store, on radio stations, and generally in public tends to be what we used to call ‘Golden Oldies’.  I just realized that most of that music is half a century old!  Imagine growing up in the 60’s and listening to 50-year-old songs like ‘Mares Eat Oats’, or hits by Al Jolson.  Although there are some good new songs being made today there is nothing like the depth of quality from the music scene in the 60’s and 70’s.  Even though I admit I have Van Gogh's ear for music, you must admit music was better then.  All this pondering let me to my twin topics of music and getting older.  Do I dare mix twin topics?  Well, I do have some standards for the JOW.

Specifically:

There are three unwritten rules for JOW jokes:

1.

2.

3.

~~~~~~~~~~

I am so old I knew Ice Cube when he was called Water.

 

Does music make you wonder?  Because it certainly made Stevie Wonder.

 

What kind of a prize do you get for getting old? 

Atrophy.

 

What’s green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.

 

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

 

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

 

An orchestra was hit by lightning.
The only one who died was the conductor.

 

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music or I would go deaf.
I haven’t heard from that guy in a while.

 

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You ain’t drunk anymore and get your wife and job back.

 

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

 

An attorney once drafted two sets of wills for an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his office.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"

 

A woman was turning 40 and decided to celebrate by fulfilling her longtime dream to go skydiving.

Exasperated, one of her girlfriends asked her "Why don't you just get a boob job like everyone else?"

 

Turning 50 two years ago, a woman took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends.  Her husband, who was a few years older than her decided to needle her himself.  He sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said,

“I’ve never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old.”
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."

 

During my younger days I really enjoyed playing softball.   I remember one game; I was playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head. I leapt as high as I could, but the ball tipped off the end of my glove and fell safely for a hit.
At the end of the inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a couple of inches apart.
"I know," I replied. "I almost had it."
"No," he said. "I mean that's how far you got off the ground."

 

Then there was that western singing group from Tombstone called the Okay Chorale.

 

Bandits hit the music store and got away with the lute.  Police believe they were students as they were also seen taking notes.

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

 

In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?”

“How about my misspent youth,” joked the customer.

The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.” 

 

I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?”

His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” 

 

“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”

He shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

^^^^^^^

They are expecting a major outbreak of cicadas this summer.  But beware if you see any of these insects carrying AK47s.  Those are Al-cadias.

 

Induction – the act of inserting a duck.

Deduction – the act of removing a duck.

Reduction – the act of replacing a worn-out duck with a new one

 

After her mother’s passing a daughter tried having her mother’s phone account disconnected, but the customer-service rep told her that since the account was in her mom’s name, she’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that she was dead didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit the daughter: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin her credit.” 

 

Poetic (?) JOW #1216

I try to mix up my Jokes of the Week; I haven’t done poetic jokes in a long time, and when I saw a funny limerick, I decided to feature them for this week.  Limericks date back to the 14th century allegedly originating in the Irish town of Limerick. The limerick is a humorous five-line poem with two rhymes: one shared by the first, second and fifth lines, and the other shared by the shorter third and fourth lines.  Limericks have a well-deserved reputation for being bawdy and downright obscene, but my limericks below use their bouncy rhyme scheme to explore concepts like science and philosophy, and even the form of the poems themselves.

 

I set my hand to the plow,

To provide funny jokes in my JOW.

These are silly, it’s true,

But the best I can do,

And I hope you enjoy these right now.

How to spell the potato has tried,
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E—don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

 

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’.
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

 

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill holds more than his belican.
He can take in his beak,
Enough food for a week,
But I’m damned if I see how the helican.

 

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business because,
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn’t the Wizard he was.

 

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree,
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

 

There was a young lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

 

Some limericks are made in the form of a tongue twister.  Try and say them aloud.

 

A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea,
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

 

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can;
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"

 

"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny.
"Four tickets I'll take; have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many."

 

A tutor who tooted a flute,
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot, or …
To tutor two tooters to toot?”

 

Silly semi-scientific limericks

There once was a runner named Dwight,
Who could speed even faster than light.
He set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

 

An amoeba named Max and his brother,
Were sharing a drink with each other;
In the midst of their quaffing,
They split themselves laughing,

And each of them now is a mother.

 

 

And some failed limericks

A forgetful old gasman named Dieter,
Who went poking around his gas heater,
Touched a leak with his light;
He blew out of sight—
And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.

 

There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short...

 

A crafty young bard named McMahon,
Whose poetry never would scan,
Once said, with a pause,
“It’s probably because,
I’m always trying to cram as many additional syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”

 

I think I better abandon the limericks for now.

 

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a bar with a priest and a rabbi and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke!

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me because I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order.
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.  Things were going well but there was just one problem.  I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertised as:
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

English lesson…

Tsunami
T is silent

Psychology
P is silent

Knife
K is silent

Honest
H is silent

Wife
Husband is silent

I was in Costco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped up in a barcode.

I said, “Are you two an item?”

 

What do you get if you combine Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
KNiFe.

I was having dinner with a chess champion.  There was a checkered tablecloth on the table. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay the skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So, they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

 

I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him.  It didn’t work.
I need a flatter dog.

 

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

 

A Dark and Stormy JOW #1215

The US has been in for a lot of rough weather lately.  It is that time of year.  My sister kindly recommended that I use the weather as a theme.  There are lots of jokes about the weather; unfortunately, not many of them are funny.  But I did the best I could to find a few that meet my admittedly low standards. I tried to make up for it with a Yoda joke at the end.

 

Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55.

 

Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Blue sky at night, day time. 

 

Where do you get the cold weather report? The winternet.

 

Swedish astronomer Ander Celsius died in 1744 aged 43, though his rival, Fahrenheit was convinced he was 109

 

Why was the man so surprised at all the downed trees in his garden considering the severity of the storm?
Mostly because he didn’t have any trees in there before the storm.

 

Why was the man denied storm insurance for his campsite?
They said that if his tents get blown away, he won’t be covered.

 

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.” 

Why were the people urged to avoid the cheese factory during the storm?
Reports say flying debrie is the main cause of concern.

 

What do you call a funnel-shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.

 

Did you hear about the tornado chaser that lost all their camera when they got too close to the storm?
Their photos were uploaded to the cloud.

 

Did you hear about the king who was found dead after the storm?
His rain was over.

 

How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken.

 

What do you call a snowman with abs? An abdominal snowman.

 

What do you call an old snowman? Water.

 

Some less weathered jokes

 

Why do Storm Troopers shop at Wal Mart? Because they couldn’t find the Target.

I told a group of storm troopers “Happy Pew Year.”. But they totally missed the punchline.

 

There are better things than alcohol, but alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.

 

A Zen student went to a temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined the temple. “10 years,” said the master. “What if I work very hard and double my effort?” asked the student. “20 years,” replied the master.

 

I visited a sick friend and took some presents and a bottle of whiskey.  I hope he doesn’t notice they are gone.

 

I have learned how to avoid stress at work.

            Make a cup of your favorite coffee

            Enjoy that first sip of coffee

            Don’t go into work.

 

Modern definitions

·         Flabbergasted -Appalled over how much weight you’ve gained.

·         Abdicate – to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

·         Esplanade – to attempt an explanation while inebriated

·         Willy-nilly – Impotent

·         Negligent – Absentmindedly answering the door in a flimsy nightgown

·         Lymph – to walk with a limp

·         Gargoyle – a gross olive-flavored mouthwash

·         Flatulence – the emergency vehicle that recovers people who have been run over with a steamroller

·         Balderdash – a rapidly receding hairline

·         Rectitude – the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists

·         Pokémon – a Rastafarian proctologist

·         Circumvent – the opening in front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

 

 

A serious mother to daughter trailer park conversation

“Mom, I’m dating that older guy next door.”

“What! He could be your dad.”

“Age isn’t an issue for me.”

“No…. I don’t think you understand me….”

 

Racecar backwards is racecar.  Racecar upside down is expensive

 

With great power comes….  Great electric bills

 

A blind man turned down a good job offer.  He just couldn’t see himself doing the job.

 

The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said......40 second birthday". I was so proud.

 

"Hey!! How long have you been chopping wood for?"

"Not sure, let me check my logs."

 

I just read a long article comparing the different versions of the crucifixion in the Bible.

There was a lot of cross referencing.

 

I had a weird dream where I met a long snake-like fish who had been knighted by the queen.

It was Sir Eel.

 

What is made of leather, a foot long and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

 

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis. 

And to wrap it up here is the Yoda joke

Yoda and Luke are  doing their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge that they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature had chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one.

“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

 

 

Grab Bag JOW #1214

 People have asked me where I get my jokes of the week.  I hear some, I read some, and some I make up.  As those who know me can attest, I have a good memory for jokes. I remember jokes by topic; that is why I like to have a theme for my JOW; writing jokes reminds me of other jokes.  Some weeks, however, I am fresh out of topics - weeks like this week.  So, I just collected a bunch of unrelated jokes for your amusement.

I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

 

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, it's a good thing, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

Is a Ruger 10-22 a good squirrel rifle?

No, their little arms are too short to reach the trigger and the rifle is too long to conceal in their nest.

 

If you’re ambushed after noon …

Then technically you’ve been pmbushed.

 

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

 

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there's myrrh.

I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

 

Did you hear about the polygamist cat?

He had nine wives.

 

What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero?

A sea señor.

 

My cabinet installer was arrested last week.

He was charged with counter fitting.

 

If you buy a cucumber, always buy Vaseline.  That way people don’t think you’re vegan.

 

Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse! 

Optimist: Yes, it can! 

 

If a woman sleeps with ten men, she’s a slut.  But if a man does it is he… gay?

Yup.  He’s definitely gay.

 

Ever watch that 4x4 offroad truck with aggressive 30” tires and a lift kit creeping ever so carefully over a little speed bump in the parking lot?

 

I don’t know why everyone hates the NSA.  It is the one government organization that actually listens to you.

 

Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away?
He died in his own arms.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”

Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?
Half an hour? Twenty minutes?

What happens when a police officer gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

 

A man was driving past a country estate when he saw a sign on the gatepost, “Please ring the bell for the gatekeeper.”

So he rang the bell, and an ancient man appeared. “Are you the gatekeeper?”, asked the first man.

“Yes, I am,” answered the gatekeeper. “May I help you?”

“Not really,” answered the man, “I was just wondering why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”

 

I went into a pet store to buy my parrot a new stand. They wanted $500 for it. I told them that was ridiculous.

Nevertheless, they said, that is the perch’s price.

 

We were playing Scrabble during breakfast this morning and I think my wife spilled syrup all over the letter tiles.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my words.

 

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

I said, “No”.

“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”

Church bulletin notices:

 

·         A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

·         Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

·         Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

·         Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

·         The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

·         Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

·         On the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."

·         Father is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

·         The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

·         Announcement: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

·         The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.

And finally:

One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her.
Later that night he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat. Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window.
The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant.
"That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"

Happy New JOW #1213

 We are now into 2024, which seems like a pretty futuristic date.   The year slid in quietly here.   There are some reasons to stay up to see the new year begin.  An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.  I am sort of relieved the holidays are done.  The holiday season for me was about personal growth.  Just not the kind growth I needed.

 

I made a resolution to lose 15 pounds. Only 20 more to go!

 

 I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

 

A phone and a firework were arrested on New Year's Eve.

One was charged, the other was let off.

 

What did the woman say when she was offered a raisin on New Year’s Eve?

‘No thanks, I already have a date.’

 

What is a New Year’s resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

What was Dr. Frankenstein’s New Year’s resolution?
To make new friends.

 

I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.

A few knock knock jokes, just to stay in practice

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, it’s a new year.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby New Year!

 

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Razor. Razor who?

Razor glass and toast to a happy new year.

 

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a ‘k’ instead of a ‘c’?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

 

I fanaticized about being a plumber when I was a kid.  It was just a pipe dream

 

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her.

 

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? 

Two, one to change the bulb, one to hold the penis.

 

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks him, “Does he talk?” The parrot replies, “Does he talk? He won’t shut up.”

 

They are going to try a remake of Snow White for older people.   The Seven Dwarves will be Nappy, Wrinkly, Squinty, Saggy, Farty, Leaky, and of course all old men’s favorite, Doc.

 

A man visits his Chinese friend in a hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the Chinese friend. The man doesn’t understand him and becomes desperate about what to say next. “Li kai yang qi guan!” gasps the patient, as his face becomes red.  The man flees the room in confusion. Going up to a Chinese in the lobby he asks the Chinese the meaning of “Li kai yang qi guan”:

“Get off my oxygen tube.”

 

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes”?

The bartender says, “No, we only sell beer here.”

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes”?

The bartender says, “No, I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again, I’m going to nail your flat feet to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar once again and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails”?
The bartender says “no.”

The duck asks, “Good.  Do you have any grapes”?

 

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instructions?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired two more people: An Administrative Officer and a DEI compliance officer.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $48,000 over budget.  We must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

 

And finally

Once upon a time there was an island kingdom whose people became fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home living in their traditional grass huts.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king’s home was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up to stow in the attic, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”