Prosperous New Year JOW #1011

Another year has rolled by.  Inevitably there are the comments that ‘we are glad to see 2019 go’.  For some it was a bad year, but overall things in the world are comparatively good.  Compared to what?  Past years.  Despite the rantings of the media the world is a better place today than it has ever been.  Never have so many people lived above the poverty line.  Literacy rates are at an all-time high.  Diseases are being defeated and world-wide health is being improved.  To my mind the glass is not half empty, it merely has room for a refill.  Although things are not perfect, they are better than they have been in the past.  Never forget that media (and common gossips) don’t talk about things that are going well; they thrive on scandal and tragedy. 

 So best wishes to you all for the coming year – I hope you can see your way clearly to a happy and prosperous 2020!

---------------

We are thinking about starting a tradition: eating chili for Christmas Eve.  We are calling it 'silent but deadly night'.

This time of year we see a lot of ‘best of’ lists.  Here are the top 10 jokes from the Liverpool area:

1. “I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have florets”.

2.”Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy” – Richard Stott
3.”What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” – Milton Jones
4. “A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows'” – Jake Lambert
5. “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it” – Ross Smith
6. “Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It’s the reason I get up in the morning” – Ross Smith
7. “I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I’m really struggling to get out of it” – Adele Cliff
8. “After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging – Richard Pulsford
9. “To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian” – Mark Simmons
10. “I’ve got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad’s contacts” – Ivo Graham

From insights provided by Jim

·         I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me. 

·         I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.

·         England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

·         Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

·         This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. 

·         I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 

·         A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

·         When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

·         I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. 

·         A dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail. 

·         A will is a dead giveaway. 

·         With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

·         Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

·         Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now. 

·         The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. 

·         When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 

·         Acupuncture is a jab well done.  That's the point of it. 

·         Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 

·         When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 

·         Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

A few random bits I need to clear out before the end of the year
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"
Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in not listening."

=========

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife.”

```````````

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

~~~~~~~~~

Mother: "Anton, can you please come over here? Do you think I’m a bad mom?"
Son: "My name is Paul."

++++++++++

Two donkeys are standing at a pedestrian crossing - one asks the other: So, shall we cross here?
The other looks at the pavement markers and shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."

Finally from The New Yorker

The best joke of the year wasn’t told by a comedian. And it’s only kind of funny. It goes like this: on New Year’s Day, Netflix released “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” introducing to the widest audience yet Kondo’s theories about decluttering domestic spaces and retaining only items that “spark joy.” The great junk purge commenced, as people resolved to be better by throwing (or giving) away the things that they didn’t love. Then, in November, came the punch line: having spent the year convincing us to clear our houses of useless consumer goods, Kondo was now, in a new online store, selling potential replacements—“a collection of my favorite things and items that spark joy for me.” Seventy-five bucks would get you a metal tuning fork and a rose-quartz crystal—which can spark joy twice over, once when you buy them and again when you throw them out.

Happy Christmas JOW #1010

It’s Christmas Eve and if you listen carefully tonight you can hear all the fathers swearing while trying to assemble toys.  I want to wish each and every one of you a Happy Christmas. I kinda prefer the English wish as opposed to Merry Christmas.  Merriment can lead to problems – I will settle for happy.   I will work on what to wish you for the New Year by the next JOW.

A letter FROM Santa

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Smith

I received a letter from your son Johnny today.  Please leave a hundred dollar bill under the plate with cookies or I will deliver the drum set.

Some quick Christmas riddles

·         What would you call Santa at the South Pole?  Lost

·         When Santa doesn't move then what he should be called? Santa Pause.

·         What gives presents and bites people?  Santa Jaws

·         What is the term from people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophoic

·         What does baby Yoda want for Christmas?  A Toy yoda

·         What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?  It's Christmas, Eve!

==============

A Mafioso’s son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new…' He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, ‘Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new…' He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, ‘Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again…'

+++++++++++++

There once was a man named Juan. Juan worked super hard for his family of four including his oldest daughter Navi. One year on Christmas Eve, Juan is illegally detained. Navi, being his activist daughter immediately rallied her friends. They met in front of the jail on Christmas Day and they al began singing....
Release Navi's Dad!!

And here is a heartwarming joke to close this Happy Christmas JOW
Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.
He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at the warmly clad figures below scurrying away with their packages and bags back to their families and loves ones, Tom realized he hadn’t spent Christmas with his parents in over 20 years. “Maybe next year” he would always tell his mom on the phone, and the years just piled up and drifted by. But not this year, Tom decided. Tom was going to go back to his small, mid-western home town for Christmas. His parents weren’t getting any younger and he decided this was finally the year he would surprise them for Christmas. Plus, it would be good to see the old town.
He rushed home from the office after leaving early from work that day, bought tickets for that night for the 2 hour flight and the one hour bus ride, and got off the bus just as the snow was starting to fall on the quiet, tree- lined streets of the small town he had wanted so desperately to escape. Now though, he realized, this was the only place where he might actually feel comfortable and loved.
As he stood outside the bus depot admiring the snowfall, a taxi pulled up and rolled its window down. “Tom, is that you?” It was Bert, his childhood friend, who now owned a chain of taxis in the area. “Bert, I can’t believe your here! Hey, can you give me a ride?” Bert replied, “For you on Christmas Eve, absolutely! I’ll never forget the way you and your parents just welcomed me and took care of me when we were kids. Climb on in.”
Once Tom settled in with his luggage, Bert asked him where he wanted to go. At that moment, Tom caught a glimpse of a bright flashing light, and realized it was the sign for Ruthy’s 24- Hour Dinner where he had spent many happy hours working as a bus boy in high school. Suddenly he could taste the malts and fries of his childhood and exclaimed, “To Ruthy’s!” I’ll buy you a piece of pie!” “Fantastic!” replied Bert.
They drove on over and parked right outside the main door. As Tom got out of the taxi and walked up to the door, he was flooded by memories of this wonderful place and the boisterous Ruthy herself. As Tom opened the door, he looked around, and there she was - Ruthy! A little older, but still fiery. “Well I’ll be! Thomas, is that you? All grown up? I haven’t seen you in 20 years! Look at you in your fancy New York suit. Come over here and give your Auntie Ruthy a hug.” Ruthy squeezed the breath out of Tom, but he didn’t mind, he was just happy to see her doing so well.
“Tommy, what would you like? It’s on the house. Merry Christmas.” Tom declared, “Ruthy, I couldn’t possibly take your food for free on Christmas Eve.” Ruthy gave a sigh and said, “ Tom, it’s a Christmas gift just to get to see you and remember all the good times you spent working here- we had a great staff! So what’ll it be?” Tom thought, but only for a second, as he remembered his favorite dish like it was yesterday. “I’ll take the eggs benedict and a piece of pie for Bert!” 

“Ahhh,” said Ruthy, “you always loved my hollandaise sauce! Coming right up!”
Ruthy went into the back, and Tom and Bert chatted about memories spent in the diner and of their lives since then. They paused to look out the window and it struck Tom then how lucky he was to be in this diner, in this small town.
Ruthy came out of the kitchen after about 15 minutes with a fresh piece of pie, and the eggs benedict. As she set the eggs benedict down, Tom realized that instead of being served on a plate, Ruthy has put the eggs benedict on a hub cap. 

“Ruthy,” Tom asked, giving her a puzzled look, “why are my eggs on a hub cap?” 

“Tom,” Ruthy declared, “EVERYBODY knows there is no place like chrome for the hollandaise.”

Dietary JOW #1009

I recently saw an old (1973) sci-fi movie starting Charleston Heston called Soylent Green.  Set in an overcrowded dystopian world in the year 2022, people are fed a product called soylent green.  It is revealed at the end of the movie that “Soylent Green is people!”  Recently Burger King released the meatless “Impossible Burger”.  Coincidence?  I think not. 

But that got me thinking about what we eat and that let to Vegan jokes.  Vegans are so earnest and self-righteous (“it’s a not just a diet it’s an ethical lifestyle, man!) that they open themselves up to a lot of jokes.  I wonder what would happen if a Jehovah’s Witness ever knocked on the door of a devout vegan.   Anyway, here are some dietary bits of humor.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, and a carrot out of the other, with a piece of asparagus up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

-------------------

·         Can I tell you a vegan joke? I promise it won't be cheesy.

·         How can you tell if someone is vegan?
Don't worry. When you offer them meat, they will say 'no thanks', then you can relentlessly ask them questions why, then you can get upset and accuse them of going on about it.

·         I met this woman today who said she recognized me from a vegan group, but I'd never met herbivore.

·         What does a vegan zombie eat?
GRAAIIIIIIIINS

·         How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

·         How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
No idea. But where do you get your protein?

·         Vegan: Try this banana
Meat eater: It tastes pretty good
Vegan: It's vegan
Meat eater: I thought it tasted funny

·         How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?

·         How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, everybody knows they can’t change anything.

·         If two vegetarians are arguing, is it still called a beef?

·         Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to seitan!

 ·             Why did the tofu cross the road?

     To prove he wasn't chicken.

·         What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?

A hummus-cide.

·         What is the Native American word for vegetarian?

Bad hunter!

Meat-eater: Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more likely to need glasses? I guess it's because you don't get the proper nutrition.
Vegan: Nah, it's just from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.

++++++++

Two friends heard arguing in the street: "You know what the problem is don't you?  It's a dog eat dog world out there, and you're a vegetarian!"

=========

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what you eat!"

The "carnivore" paid no attention.  As they stepped off the curb a speeding car came around the corner and ran the vegetarian over. The other accountant called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able to. The injured vegetarian was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured accountant, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Which brought to mind a joke from the bad old days of animal testing.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all

free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.  "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory.

I'm dying for a cigarette."

Kid Stuff JOW #1008

This week I have some jokes about or from kids.  Sometimes they present a different perspective on things that adults have become accustomed to.  I hope you enjoy them.

>>>>>>>>> 

A man went to the store with his 3-year-old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store.

"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him.

"I know, dear, but Daddy's way is OK, too," he replied.

Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter, and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself.

"That's not the way Mommy does it," his daughter informed him again.

"Honey, there's more than one way to do things," he replied patiently. "Daddy's way is OK, too."

As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction.

In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him, and in a most serious voice said, "That's NOT the way Mommy does it."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."

Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."

From Dick

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

=============

Daughter – “Mommy, what’s nostalgia?”

Mom – “It’s when you miss something that’s really old.”

Dad, arriving home from work – “I’m home!”

Daughter whispers to Mom – “Nostalgia.”

_________________

Mommy why can’t I open the bleach?

Because it has a child safety lock.  Children can’t open it.

How did it know I was a child?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four year old – “Can we get a kitten?”

Mom – “No, honey, I’m allergic to cats.  We can’t be in the same house.”

Four year old – “You could sleep outside.”

----------

“Mommy, I love you, but we seem to have our differences.” from a 4 year old at bedtime.

____________

Five year old – “I’m not cheating.  I only helping myself to win.”

 ...........

Six year old – “Mommy you were my best friend until I actually got friends.”

```````````````

Seven year old – “Most inventors are smart, but not the person who invented homework.  They are the worst.”

++++++++++++++

A mom used the phrase “You kids will be the death of me” (I know, not good) and my little one says, “That’s ok Mommy, we’ll still grow up.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Here is an old one that I still like

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, “Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son."

All this stuff about kids brings me to observations about getting older.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food--I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Cultured Wine JOW #1007

These days, I drink one glass of wine a day for my health.  The other glasses are for my sparkling wit and flawless dance moves.  Yes, I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.  Wine improves with age – The older I get the more I like it.  I understand there is a whole wine culture which I am slowly learning.  For example, when cooking, the phrase ‘reduce the wine’ does not mean drinking it.

Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
...Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.  Do I detect a hint of grapes?

^^^^^^^^^

Secrets of enjoying a good bottle of wine:

Open the bottle to allow it to breathe

If it does not look like it is breathing, give it mouth to mouth.

…………

I've been told that red wine compliments a steak.  But so far my glass hasn't said anything nice at all.

++++++++++++

Whenever I say the word ‘diet’ I have to wash out my mouth with red wine and dark chocolate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A meal without wine is called Breakfast.

Can you drink alcohol for breakfast? Wine not?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man enters a wholesale store and says: "I’d like a liter of wine please."

"Did you bring a container for it?"

"You're speaking to it."
>>>>>>>>>>>

Pessimist “My glass is half full.”

Optimist: “My glass is half empty.”

Realist: “My glass needs a refill.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Can I think of any red wine puns?

You bet Shiraz I can.

``````````````

·         If drinking wine makes you feel sad is the Grape Depression?

·         I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. It’s a Bordeaux collie.

*****

How do you decide how much wine to drink? Take it on case-by-case basis.

,,,,,

People say drinking milk makes you stronger.  Drink five classes of milk and try to move a wall.  You can’t.

Now drink five glasses of wine and the wall will move all by itself.

-----------

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

……..

A truck carrying olive oil crashed into a truck carrying red wine vinegar, inside a nudist camp

First responders reported that everyone nearby was well dressed

_________

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
A non-wine joke

Physicians are unable to reach a consensus: Should the U.S. build Trump's Mexican Wall?
Allergists are in favor of scratching it, but Dermatologists advise not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists have sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists state they think Trump has a lot of nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians feel certain everyone is laboring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists consider the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yell, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians say, "Oh, grow up!"
Psychiatrists think the whole idea is madness, while the Radiologists see right through it.
 Surgeons have decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claim it's a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons opine that this proposal will "put a whole new face on the matter."
Podiatrists think it is a step backward, and the Urologists are simply pissed off with the whole idea.
 Anesthesiologists say the whole idea is a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists don't have the heart to say no.
 In the end, the Proctologists will win out, leaving the entire decision to the assholes in Washington!

Bill sent me this inspiring story about a positive attitude.

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference." After his helicopter was shot down, there was an explosion when his autorotation turned into a crash landing. The pilot was badly injured but finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain.

 He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only an Army helicopter pilot, but flew with the Air Cavalry, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?" 

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.