Big Fat JOW #1158

 Do you know what I am going to get from Christmas?  Fat – that is what I am going to get.

We really shouldn’t make fun of fat people.  They have enough on their plate as it is.  Besides, I am pretty much there myself. I have still have a six pack, though.  It is protected by a thick layer of fat, but it is there.   As you can probably tell, my theme this week is a weighty one.  I don't normally make fat jokes because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.  But here are a few

 

·         Why can’t we donate fat like we do blood?

·         If you are what you eat, I think I need to eat a skinny person.

·         I have tried losing weight, but it always finds me again.

·         The fat psychic became a large instead of a medium.

·         Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said, "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."

 

A man went to a pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table

He said "Nice legs"

The girl giggled and smiled and said "Do you really think so?"
"Yeah definitely, most tables would've collapsed by now"

 

As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots- then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.

 

Fat riddles

What do you call a fat bee?

Chub-bee!
What do you call an even fatter bee?
O-bees!

 

What was the name of that fat man who was knighted?

I believe it was Sir Cumference

 

What do you call two fat people having a chat?

A heavy discussion

 

Why are there no fat painters?

Because they all went to the paint store to get thinner

 

What did the Avocado say to itself in the mirror?

You are 'fat' but you are 'good fat'

=====

So when Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."

But when I do it, supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium."

 

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

 

A short, ugly, fat man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...

He says to her:
"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."
She flatly tells him: "No. Go away. I'm not interested"
But the man persists. He tells her: "But wait! I'm a smart guy with a great job, a nice house, and a new BMW outside!"
Once again the beautiful woman rejects him saying: "Listen creep, I said no. Now leave me alone."
The man is discouraged, but he saved the best for last. He tells the woman:
"Okay fine, I'll leave you alone, but you should know this last bit. I'm an only-child and my ill father is my only family. You see, he is going on 80 years of age, and his will leaves his entire $500 million dollar fortune to me!"
The woman's eyes widen with intrigue and a coy smile strikes her face.
"Well sir," she now says flirtatiously, "I think I'll have that drink. Do tell me more!"
Now, after this great success, do you know what that short, ugly, fat man had nine months later?
A new step-mom.

 

Brandon was walking around at the carnival. A man called out from a booth and said, “If I can write your exact weight on this piece of paper, you have to pay me $50. If I can’t do it, I’ll pay you $50.” Brandon checked the booth for a scale but saw nothing, so he agreed. Since your weight can fluctuate by a pound or two, he decided that no matter what number the man wrote, he would just say he weighed a pound more or less. In the end, the man in the booth won the $50. How did he do it?

The man in the booth wrote the words, “Your exact weight” on the piece of paper. 

 

Oxymoron JOW #1157

 

I do love wordplay.  I am especially fascinated my oxymorons, where you combine seemingly contradictory terms.  Of course, there are phrases that can mean something entirely different depending upon the context or delivery; for example the phrase, ‘Did you eat’ can be a friendly invitation in North America or an urgent question or even a threat in Somalia.  I have a list and some quotes on this subject.  Some of them are awfully good, I mean seriously funny. 

·         Exact estimate

·         Original copies

·         Pretty ugly

·         Fully empty

·         Only choice

·         Civil war

·         Definite possibility

·         Exact estimate

·         Grow smaller

·         Only choice

·         Random order

·         Jumbo shrimp

·         Old news

·         Original copy

·         Plastic silverware

·         True fiction

·         Virtual reality

·         Working vacation

Some short oxymoron jokes

An oxymoron walked into a bar

And the silence was deafening.

 

Bumper sticker: Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?

 

If James Bond is the world’s most famous spy, doesn’t that make him the worst one?

Oxymoron quotes

I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol

Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them. - Anthony Haden-Guest

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. - George Bernard Shaw

Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. - Irene Peter

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings

We must believe in free will. We have no choice. - Isaac B. Singer

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - W.C. Fields

I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. - Winston Churchill

We must believe in free will. We have no choice. - Isaac Bashevis

I distinctly remember forgetting that. - Clara Barton

You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. - Dolly Parton

I never said most of the things I said. - Yogi Berra

Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes? - Yogi Berra

Sam Goldwyn was a famous Hollywood executive who could give Yogi lessons.  Here are some of his quotes:

·         A hospital is no place to be sick.

·         Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

·         Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

·         Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am never wrong.

·         Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.

·         If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive!

·         It’s more than magnificent-it’s mediocre.

·         If Roosevelt were alive, he’d turn over in his grave.

·         I’ll give you a definite maybe.

·         If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.

·         I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them for five years.

·         I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

·         I was always an independent, even when I had partners.

·         I paid too much for it, but it’s worth it.

·         It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

·         Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

·         I never liked you, and I always will.

·         Spare no expense to save money on this one.

·         The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.

·         Tell them to stand closer apart.

·         We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.

 

Can you imagine what would happen if a grammar book walked into a bar?

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

* An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

* Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

* A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

* Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

* A question mark walks into a bar?

* A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

* Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

* A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

* A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

* Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

* A synonym strolls into a tavern.

* At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

* A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

* Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

* A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

* An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

* The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

* A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

* The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

* A dyslexic walks into a bra.

* A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

* A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

* A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

Battle Redux JOW #1156

 It is easier for me to do my jokes if I have a theme.  One of my recurring themes is the never-ending battle between men and women.  Here are a few jokes on that subject.  I hope they bring a smile to your face. 

 

Women have to deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, hot flashes, etc. 

Men have to deal with women.

I call it a tie.

 

Then there is the latest feminist book ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Idiots’

 

If a woman says "smell this", it usually smells nice.

 

Not all men annoy feminists.  Some men are gay.

 

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

 

Men, unlike women do not use sex to get what they want.  Sex is what they want.

 

Male or Female non-living objects.

You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS**: These are female, because once turned off, it takes half an hour to warm them up.

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Also a male object. Because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass.

**SPONGES**: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and they retain water.

**WEB PAGES**: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

**TRAINS**: Definitely male. Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

**EGG TIMERS**: Egg timers are female because over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

**HAMMERS**: Male. Because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.

**THE REMOTE CONTROL**: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

^^^^^^^^

Men on first dates wonder if she will like him.

Women on first dates wonder if he wants to murder her.

 

Men have sex when they can, marry when they want to.

Women have sex when they want to, marry when they can.

 

The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson had the decency to look like a crazy the first time you meet him.

 

Young daughter: “Mommy, why does that sign say, ‘Men at work?”

Mother: “Because women work all the time.  When men work they need to put of signs.”

 

A man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed.

A young male employee trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

The customer scrutinized him and said, “You’re not married, are you?”

 

*****

What do you call a group of Norwegian monarchs who ride motorcycles and enjoy both men and women?

The Bikings.

 

I've got a friend, who weighs 300 pounds and dates both men and women.

He's bi and large, a good person.

======

The wife-to-be, woke up on her wedding day and panicked.  She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she repeats what she has to do: "Go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat, "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him..."

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can marry that man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

 

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."  The first two guys were amazed.  

"What happened then?" they asked.  

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

``````

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth!" The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

And finally

Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.
“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.
“Oh?” she replied with a concerned inquisition.
“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough situations. But girls, they’re super smart, but they fight all the time and get all emotional and upset. So you see, girls are smart but foolish, and guys are dumb but wise.” Dave tells his wife.
She looks at him, ready to snap “Just what does that mean?”
Dave assesses the situation and retorts, “You see, I’m wise enough to know not to answer that, and stupid enough to have said it in the first place.”

 

Riddle me this JOW #1155

Riddles have been around challenging and amusing people for millennia.  I thought as a change of Jokes of the Weeks pace this week I would present you with forty riddles.  The answers are below, carefully numbered.  See how many you can get.

 

1.      What is black and white and blue?

 

2.      Where can you find cities, towns, streets and shops, but no people?

 

3.      What is right in front of you but can’t be seen?

 

4.      When things go wrong, what can you always count on?

 

5.      If you throw a blue stone into the Red Sea, what will it become?

 

6.      I can see when I am with you but I am blind when alone.  What am I?

 

7.      What is so fragile that just saying its name breaks it?

 

8.      Where can you finish a book without finishing a sentence?

 

9.      What year of the 20th century is the same when it is upside down?  And what year in the 19th century?

 

10.  Open me, and you can’t see me without a mirror.  Close me, and you can’t see me at all.  What am I?

 

11.  Where would you take a sick boat?

12.  What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

13.  I have hundreds of wheels, but move I do not. Call me what I am; call me a lot. What am I?

14.  I Start with M, end with X, and have a never-ending amount of letters. What am I?

15.  What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

16.  I make a loud sound when I’m changing. When I do change, I get bigger but weigh less. What am I?

17.  This five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it… What is the word?

18.  Imagine you’re in a room that is filling up with water. There are no windows or doors. How do you get out?

 

19.  What tastes better than it smells?

 

20.  Why does a giraffe drink more water in January than in February?

 

21.  What kind of room has no doors or windows?

22.  Mr. Blue lives in the blue house. Mr. Yellow lives in the yellow house. Mr. Black lives in the black house. Who lives in the white house?

23.  How do you make the number one disappear?

 

24.  How many months of the year have 28 days?

25.  I am a rock group with four members but none played the guitar. What am I?

 

26.  What has a head and a tail but no body?

 

27.  What is blue and smells like red paint?

 

28.  What goes up but never comes down?

 

29.  A king, a queen, and two twins all lay in a large room. How are there no adults in the room?

 

30.  What is something that if you add to a bag actually makes it lighter?

 

31.  If you poke a hole in me I will actually have fewer holes. 

 

32.  I add five to nine, and get two. The answer is correct, but how?

 

33.  How many letters are in the alphabet?

 

34.  Two in a corner, 1 in a room, 0 in a house, but 1 in a shelter. What am I?

 

35.  What English word does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great person, while the entire word signifies a great woman. What is the word?

 

36.  What word is pronounced the same if you take away four of its five letters?

 

37.  David’s father has three sons: Snap, Crackle and…? 

 

38.  If a red house is made of red bricks, and a yellow house is made of yellow bricks, what is a greenhouse made of?

 

39.  How can you drop a raw egg from a height onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

 

40.  I saw a boat full of people, yet there wasn’t a single person on the boat. How is that possible?

 

 

Here are the answers

 

1.      A depressed zebra

2.      A map

3.      Your future

4.      Silence.

5.      Your fingers

6.      Wet

7.      Glasses

8.      1961 and 1881

9.      Prison

10.  Your eyes

11.  To the dock.

12.  A spelling bee!

13.  A parking lot.

14.  A mailbox

15.  A carrot.

16.  Popcorn.

17.  Short.

18.  Stop imagining! 

19.  Your tongue.

20.  There are more days in January than in February!

21.  A Mushroom

22.  The president!

23.  Add the letter “G” and it’s gone! 

24.  All of them!

25.  Mt. Rushmore.

26.  A coin.

27.  Blue paint

28.  Your age. 

29.  They are all beds

30.  A hole

31.  What am I?

32.  When it is 9 AM, add 5 hours to it and you will get 2PM.

33.  There are 11 letters in “the alphabet”.

34.  The letter “R”

35.  “Heroine.”

36.  Queue.

37.  David. 

38.  Glass.

39.  Concrete floors are very hard to crack

40.  They were all married.

 

Finally, my friend Bill, who apparently has no shame, sent me these two jokes.

 

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing at it?”

Sounding concerned I replied, “No…”

A moment later she asked, “How about now?”

***

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience clapped when the chef made meringue

I was surprised as Australians normally….    boo meringue

 

Conflicting JOW #1154

 With the election so close there has been a lot of political conflict mostly people on TV trying to tell me what their opponent ‘really believes’ each more extreme than the last.  Apparently I must now choose between two people, one of whom wants to take away all my personal liberties, and the other who wants to sacrifice children on the altar of the god Bal.  Fortunately my friend Dick sent me a few political thoughts from Peggy Noonan, a political humorist which include some gentle bipartisan mocking.

·         Chuck Schumer’s been in Congress so long that medically he’s considered a pre-existing condition. 

·         Kevin McCarthy told me at the last national prayer breakfast that Jesus loves America best, that’s why the Bible is in English. 

·         Will President Biden run for re-election? He’s showing telltale signs of aging. Held a state dinner and insisted it start at 5 p.m. so he could get the early-bird special. 

·         Afterward he invited the visiting prime minister to go upstairs and watch “Hogan’s Heroes.” Then he spent a half hour trying to rewind Netflix. 

·         A month from now he turns 80 but the White House has been playing down any celebrations. Internal memos about it have such a high security classification that copies have been found at Mar-a-Lago. 

·         But personally I prefer age to some of the younger congressmen and –women, who are, basically, airheads. I’ve interviewed them. They think Machiavelli is a clothing designer. They think bilateral and trilateral are muscles you work in the gym. 

·         And there’s Ted Cruz. When Ted ran for president, he called me and asked me for advice. I said, “Ted, just be yourself.” That was mean of me. 

·         Then there’s Mike Pence, a good man. But hearing him give a speech is proof that the dead are trying to contact us."

 

Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older

 

 #9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

 

 #8 Life is sexually transmitted.

 

 #7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

 #6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 

 #5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

 #4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 

 #3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

 #2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

 #1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

 

Dick also sent me some wisdom on how God takes care of seniors.

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus, providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So, if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 

And finally a story from ancient Japan.

In Feudal Japan, two Samurai families were constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel. The winner would bring his family glory, and the other family would be forced to leave the territory for good.
The night before the duel, the Father of one clan approached his son and asked him why he decided to do this. Surely there was another way. The son responded he could no longer stand the fighting, and would rather die than deal with it any longer.
Besides, he was older and knew he could easily best the eldest son of the opposing clan. He also had a superior disarming technique and could quickly end it all. He was certain of his victory.
He continued to meditate and focus until the very moment of the duel. He could practically visualize the battle. He knew his opponents every move- he was ready.
When the time came, he donned his gear and made his way to the battleground. They approached each other from opposing ends. They stopped. Both bowed low in respect.
Then as they lifted their heads back up, it was a flurry of sparks as the two went head to head.
Such a display of combative grace had never been seen before. Both were clearly masters of their craft. As they continued to exchange blows, the older of the two saw his opening and struck, slicing off the younger fighter's sword hand. However, at that very moment the sword spun out and cut off both feet of the older fighter, dropping him to the floor in a splatter of blood.
The younger fighter reached down and picked his sword back up with his left hand and finished his downed opponent in a quick display of mercy.
Later, as the Heads of both clans met to sign their peace treaty, the Father of the older fighter approached the younger fighter. He told him that he held no animosity toward him. "I just don't understand where my son went wrong. He was supposed to be the greatest Samurai of our time..."
To which the younger fighter responds:
"He was indeed an excellent fighter, but while he was focused on disarming me, I simply focused on de-feeting him."