I have some signage jokes along with a mix of others that
came to me as I typed these up. I hope
they give you a bit of amusement.
Bill sent me some signs from a filling station in
South Africa that they chalk on their board.
·
Stop trying to make everybody happy – You’re not
tequila.
·
Forgiveness does not change the past but it does
enlarge the future.
·
Don’t do something permanently stupid because
you are temporarily upset.
·
Be the ‘who’ you needed when you were younger.
·
If you have a gun you can rob a bank. If you have a bank you can rob everybody.
·
In a world where you can be anything… be kind.
·
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years
ago. The second best time to plant a
tree is now.
·
If you had to choose between drinking wine every
day or being skinny which would you chose -red or white?
Which led to some other well-known signs
A sign in a Shoe Repair store in Vancouver:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
A sign on a Blinds and Curtains truck:
“Blind man driving.”
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and
will take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”
More random quick jokes
·
Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.
·
Those who live by the sword get shot by those
who don’t.
·
The reason things aren’t foolproof is that fools
are so ingenious.
·
If the shoe fits it is ugly.
·
If it fits, looks good, and is on sale, by
another one for your other foot.
A man told a friend about taking his wife to dinner for
their anniversary. He described how the food was made right in front of them.
The friend said, “I’ve heard of places like that, what is
the name of the restaurant?”
The man replied, “Subway.”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What do you call a huge line of people waiting to get the
new Barbie doll? A Barbie queue.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What was Forrest Gump’s password? “1Forrest1”
Andy, releasing his inner child sent this one:
Where
does George Washington hide his armies?.....
In
his sleevies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The story goes: upon completing a highly dangerous
tightrope walk over Niagara Falls in appalling wind and rain, 'The Great
Zumbrati' was met by an enthusiastic supporter, who urged him to make a return
trip, this time pushing a wheelbarrow, which the spectator had thoughtfully
brought along.
The Great Zumbrati was reluctant, given the terrible
conditions, but the supporter pressed him, "You can do it - I know you
can," he urged.
"You really believe I can do it?" asked
Zumbrati.
"Yes - definitely - you can do it." the
supporter gushed.
"Okay," said Zumbrati, "Get in the
wheelbarrow.”
A spy joke:
A small, very good looking man walked into the KGB office
and approached the reception desk.
“I’m an American spy. I want to surrender.”
– Are you armed?
“Yes.”
– Go to room 9, please.
He goes to room 9 and says:
“I am an American spy, I’m armed, I want to surrender.”
– Do you have any communication with the Americans?
“Yes I have.”
– Go to room 1.
He goes to room 1 and says:
“I’m a spy, I’m armed, I’m in communication with America
and I want to surrender.”
-Have you been sent on a mission?
“Yes. I have been on mission impossible.”
– Well, get out and go do it! Stop bothering people while
they’re working!
And finally a physics joke:
A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict
the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of
statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to
research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors.
The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable
racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100 billion. The statisticians
reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a
cost of $100 million per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time.
Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of
any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened
eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made
several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling
sphere…
