Grab Bag JOW

I am a bit slow with my JOW this week because I have been ‘working from home’ finishing up a project. In my case working from home means that if you are not working, dang it, you should be instead of wasting your time providing frivolous jokes. Fortunately Tom, Dan, and Tor provided me with some fodder. So here is a sort of religious grab bag of jokes. Enjoy

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There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church and
The Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God’s divine will.
In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but it was said they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
…………..
And on a related note:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walked into a bar. (A good start for any joke.) While sharing a drink they fell into a discourse concerning the efficacy of their respective faiths. While they were thus debating, a man pale and terrified, dashed into bar.
“There is a huge bear in the forest. I barely escaped with my life.”
“Here is a true test,” exclaimed the Baptist minister. “I shall preach to this heathen bear and yea, I shall convert him.”
And with that he drained his glass and headed out to preach to this wild bear.
An hour later he returned, soaking wet but deeply gratified.
“I verily I found that bear, and a fierce creature he was. But I preached the Gospel to him and then baptized Brother Bear in the river! He is there beside the river now.”
“Ha!” responded the priest, “I can show that beast the true power of God’s Holy Church. I shall make him a good Catholic bear.”
And he departed on his mission to redeem the bear.
And hour later he returned, exhausted but triumphant.
“I found that bear, and was able to teach him the catechism. By the time I finished he took communion and I absolved him of all his many sins. I left him saying a hundred Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers.”
Not to be outdone, the rabbi accepted the challenge.
“I shall teach him the paths of righteousness from beginning to end and make him a good Jewish bear, fit to walk in the presence of the Lord.”
Since the rabbi had been in the bar for over two hours and was a bit worse for the wear his two friends attempted to stop him but he could not be dissuaded and he disappeared into the woods in pursuit of the newly Christian bear.
And hour later he staggered into the bar bleeding profusely from a dozen wounds.
As his friends tended to him he explained.
“Upon reflection, I think I probably should not have started with circumcision.”

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More Kid Wisdom

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. “I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, “How does it know it's me?”

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?”

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn't your skin fit your face?”

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
Concerned, James asked, “What happened to the flea?”

A few random thoughts
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

• There is great need for a sarcasm font.

• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

• Google maps really need to start their directions on about instruction # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

• Bad decisions make good stories.

• I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

• Do you keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so you know not to answer when they call.

• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

• How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

• The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Tom

Clear English JOW

I am trying to do some writing lately and so I have been hitting Zebrawords.com, the best online dictionary/thesaurus. That got me thinking about English which led to a JOW with some English-themed humor. But first I better put in a joke or two. The first is sponsored by Tor.

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An older gentleman wearing a ball cap with aviator wings on it sits down in a bar next to a lovely woman. Being a bold and daring type he wasted no time in introducing himself.
“Hello, beautiful my name is Jet.”
“Are you some kind of pilot?” she replied coolly.
“Not just some kind of pilot, the best kind, a Naval Aviator,” he replied confidently. “What is your name?”
“My name is Sappho, and I am a lesbian. In fact I am a true lesbian. I think about women all the time; beautiful, naked women. I fanaticize about making love to them constantly. That’s what lesbians do.”
Jet was nonplussed. (He had to go to Zebrawords to even discover exactly what he was feeling.)
After a time a man came and took the place on the other side of Jet who just sat there looking confused.
Seeing the gold wings on the old man’s hat he asked, “Sir, are you a pilot?”
“I thought I was,” replied a deeply troubled Jet, “but I just found out I am a lesbian.”

…………………………………..

Here are some key English language rules I use when writing:
Always avoid alliteration. Always
A preposition is something you should never end a sentence with
Avoid clichés like the plague; they are old hat.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to carelessly split and infinitive.
Contractions aren’t necessary
Foreign words are not apropos.
All generalizations are always bad.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
In general be more or less specific.
Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
One word sentences? Worthless.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Eschew obfuscation

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A meeting notice
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

++++++++++++++++++++
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked the clerk, “How much does this material cost?"
"Just one kiss per yard, “replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take five yards."
With expectation and anticipation showing all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl took the package, smiled a big smile at the clerk, and then pointed to an old man standing next to her. "Grandpa will pay the bill!
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

George Carlin has been credited with this poem

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose
We speak of a brother and also of brethren
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

And these observations on English

Let's face it – English is a crazy language. Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

• There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
• Neither apple nor pine in pineapple
• Quicksand work slowly, boxing rings are square,
• And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
• Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham
• Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
• If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
• If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
• In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
• In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
• And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
• And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts
But when I wind up this observation, it ends.

Louisiana JOW

I am in Louisiana this week doing a project; quite a change from the Rockies. I want to be in Louisiana when the end of the world comes because they are twenty years behind the rest of the country. For example, they have slightly different definitions for some old IT terms.
• A modem is something done to grass.
• A mouse pad is a home for Mickey & Minnie.
• A screen helps keep the bugs off the porch.
• On line is where you stay during a field sobriety test.
• Fax is what Joe Friday wanted to hear.
• Backup is what you do when you see a skunk in the woods.

Here is a bit of Cajun humor

Boudreaux and Thibodaux decide dey gonna go ice fishin.
Dey stop at a store on da side of da road and axe the cashier where dey can go ice fishin.
Da man says "there is a frozen lake across the road and I got bait and ice picks to break the ice to fish.”
An hour later Boudreaux goes to da store to buy some more ice picks. He tells the cashier "I want all the ice picks you got."
The guy says are "you catching that many fish?"
Boudreaux says "Catching fish?"
" We never even launch the boat yet"!
------------------------------------
Here's how it works in Louisiana:
The steps at the Louisiana state capitol need some repairs so bids are taken from carpenters from across the state.
First a carpenter from Lake Charles looks it over. After a session of measuring and figuring he presents his bid. I can do it for $9,000, he says. I'd need $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.
Next a redneck from Lafayette does his measuring and calculating then says, I'll do it for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 profit for me.
Last a Cajun from Breaux Bridge steps up. Without even looking at the job site he says, I'll do it for $27,000.
Surprised at how high it is, the man taking the bids asks him to explain it.
It's simple, he says. $10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Lafayette
===========================
Lots of states have specialty teams to offer assistance after a natural disaster. Some can provide food, medicine, vehicles, even rescue dogs. New Orleans offered to send a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap out of survivors.

Finally here are some views of Then and Now from Charles (who was around back Then)

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: KEG
Now: EKG

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: Going to a new, hip joint
Now: Receiving a new hip joint

Then: Rolling Stones
Now: Kidney Stones

Then: Screw the system
Now: Upgrade the system

Then: Disco
Now: Costco

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

Then: Passing the drivers' test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Whatever
Now: Depends

Snow JOW

I awoke this morning to a lovely sight; soft snow had fallen in Estes Park during the night, coating everything with a gentle frosting.

Snow - like rising bread dough
sweet-flaked
winter on wry,
not kneaded
but enjoyed – a good day for loafing.

Two days before I had been sweating in shorts and a tee shirt. A native Floridian, I am still thrilled at the sight of fresh snow. Although it is not all that cold, I chose not to walk up a mountain today; fortunately I did get Prospect Peak done yesterday. As alluded to in the ‘poem’ I am going to spend the day reading and writing. Part of that writing is this JOW, dedicated in general to snow.
____________________________
The Army Private was very happy to be one of the very few lower-enlisted people to be authorized to live in on-post family housing, as part of a new Army Test Program. He decided that he would follow all housing regulations to the letter, to make sure he would be allowed to stay.
During the first snow-fall of the year, he turned on the Command Information Channel on his cable-TV, and heard the following message: "The National Weather Service has predicted three inches of snow. The Post Commander has instituted snow-condition Alpha, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the South or East sides of the street."
The Army private hurried out of the house and moved his car to the east side of the street.
One week later, it started to snow again, so he turned on the Command Information Channel once more. The announcer said, "The National Weather Service has predicted five inches of snow. The Post Commander has instituted snow-condition Bravo, which means that all privately owned vehicles should be parked on the North or West sides of the Street."
Again, the private ran out into the snow to move his car to the West side of the street.
Two weeks later, it began to snow again. The private turned on the Command Information Channel, but apparently the storm had knocked the channel off the air. In a panic, he shouted at his Wife, "What should I do??????"
"Oh, Terry," the wife replied, "Just leave the car in the garage."

…………………………….

A local news anchor was teasing the weather man about the lack of predicted snowfall.
“So Dick,” she bubbled mischievously, “Where was that eight inches you promised me last night…”

......

Up by Lake Itzokold, it was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when Lena got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She remembered a friend's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made Lena feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions, although the plow seemed to be making a lot of turns. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. She figured the snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of the advice she'd received to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted...but he was done with the mall’s parking lot and was going over to Wal-Mart next.

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Cold weather brings to mind walruses – the maritime equivalent of a gnu; simply too ugly to be real.
There are a number of bad walrus jokes such as:

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain walruses?

Q: How do you tell the difference between a walrus and an orange?
A: Put your arms around it and squeeze it. If you don't get orange juice, it's a walrus.

Q: What's the difference between a walrus and a banana?
A: You'd better find out, because if you ever try to peel a walrus...muskoxen have wool, when it rains - why don't they shrink?

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Random Thought -
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

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These are from Tom. Here are some actual cities in Texas; I really need to do more Texas stuff.

Just Texas
Pep , Texas 79353, Smiley , Texas 78159, Paradise , Texas 76073, Rainbow , Texas 76077, Sweet Home , Texas 77987, Comfort , Texas 78013, Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the sun?
Sun City , Texas 78628, Sunrise , Texas 76661, Sunset, Texas 76270, Sundown, Texas 79372, Sunray , Texas 79086, Sunny Side , Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon , Texas 76301, Noodle, Texas 79536, Oatmeal , Texas 78605, Turkey , Texas 79261, Trout, Texas 75789; Sugar Land , Texas 77479; Salty, Texas 76567; Rice , Texas 75155; Pearland, Texas 77581; Orange , Texas 77630

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas 75436; Cleveland , Texas 75436; Colorado City , Texas 79512; Denver City , Texas 79323; Klondike , Texas 75448; Pittsburg , Texas 75686; Newark , Texas 76071; Nevada , Texas 75173; Memphis , Texas 79245; Miami , Texas 79059; Boston , Texas 75570; Santa Fe , Texas 77517; Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861; Reno , Texas 75462; Pasadena , Texas 77506; Columbus , Texas 78934

Feel like traveling outside the country?
Athens , Texas 75751; Bagdad, Texas 77616; Canadian, Texas 79014; China , Texas 77613; Dublin , Texas 76446; Egypt , Texas 77436; Ireland , Texas 76538; Italy , Texas 76538; Turkey , Texas 79261; London , Texas 76854; New London , Texas 75682; Paris , Texas 75460; Palestine , Texas 75801

No need to travel to Washington DC
Whitehouse, Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth, Texas 79031

We have a city named after our state:
Texas City, Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy, Texas 76452
Cold?

Blanket , Texas 76432; Winters, Texas 79567

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Want to go into outer space?
Venus , Texas 76084; Mars , Texas 79062

For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745; Elmo , Texas 75118; Nemo , Texas 76070; Tarzan , Texas 79783; Winnie , Texas 77665; Sylvester , Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas to make you smile...
Frognot, Texas 75424; Gun Barrel City , Texas 75156; Bigfoot , Texas 78005; Hogeye , Texas 75423; Cactus , Texas 79013; Notrees, Texas 79759; Best, Texas 76932; Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo, Texas 75763; Dime Box , Texas 77853; Old Dime Box , Texas 77853; Telephone , Texas 75488; Telegraph , Texas 76883; Whiteface , Texas 79379; Twitty, Texas 79079

And my favorites...
Cut and Shoot, Texas 77303, Gun Barrel City , Texas 75147, Ding Dong, Texas, West, Texas (it's in Central Texas ) and, of course, Muleshoe , Texas 79347