Hunting and Fishing JOW #680

                I recently combined a trip down to Edinburg with a fund-raiser dove hunt in south Texas.  It is already bird season and soon it will be deer season.  That also means it will soon cool enough to fish for redfish and trout in the bays.  At any rate, I certainly enjoyed my recent outing where doves once again demonstrated my weakness at shooting small, high speed, rapidly dodging targets that appear out of nowhere and vanish as soon as they see you bring up your shotgun.  With hunting and fishing on my mind I decided to dredge up some hunting and fishing themed jokes such as:

Do you know the difference between a hunter and a fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

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A group of dove hunters are in camp when they realize that they are running low on provisions.
The group appointed Kevin to get supplies.
Kevin went into the store and bought 12 bottles of whiskey, 10 cases of beer and 2 packages of hotdogs.
When he returned to the camp the group looked in his truck and they asked, "Kevin, what in the world are we gonna do with all them damn hotdogs?"

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A couple of Texans go on a dove hunting trip. They get all the gear, shotguns, shells, hunting licenses, camouflage gear, and rented time on a lease; they spend a fortune!
The first day they go hunting, but they don't get anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men manages to bring down a single dove.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy dove cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't shoot any more!"

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An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.
The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

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A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." 

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breathe underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." 

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." 

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not; if you don't ask questions, you’ll never learn nothin'.”

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Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Don’t you know you can't tell a brook by its clover."

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Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

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And in conclusion:

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always turned to face the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "One day Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole day they battled without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw Towards again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Boozy JOW #680

            September is probably my least favorite month.  By this time I am so tired of it being hot all the time and there just doesn’t seem to be any relief.  Sure, it is not quite as hot as it has been but I am ready for autumn to arrive.  I define autumn in Texas more by temperature than the length of days; to me summer is over when you have three consecutive days where the high is below 90 and the low is below 70.  I fear those three days are still weeks away.

            But instead I am using booze as my theme this week, just because it is easy.  “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all our problems.”  Homer J Simpson.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

            First I must give credit to Bruce for this new Tom Swiftie:

“Take that convict down to the deepest dungeon,” Tom said condescendingly.

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A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

 The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.

"What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

One ancient Mayan to another: “Hey wanna go get a drink?”

Other ancient Mayan: “Well I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.”

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Pat was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about things when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Pat gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so." "

But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, and then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Pat goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's that Nun again!"

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Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. That way when you can't get the straw in the hole you know you’ve had enough.

If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

Okay, you are expecting more ‘walked into a bar’ jokes.  Here are four:

·         Two midgets walk into a mini-bar.

·         A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

·         A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

·         A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

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A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"

The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny six inch man out of his pocket.

 The bartender asks "He can drink?"

Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

 The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. 

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

And finally a joke my father told me when I was a lad.

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of gin. The worm in the water lived, while the one in gin kicked a few times and then curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink gin, you will not have worms."

           

Good Swift Kick in the JOW #679

            Elmore Leonard, a gifted writer and pretty cool guy overall passed away last month.  He had ten rules for good writing.  "Never use a verb other than 'said' to carry dialog and never use an adverb to modify the verb ‘said," he admonished gravely.  (Sorry, that is like the saying ‘a preposition is something you should never end a sentence with.)

            I suspect Elmore may have been exposed to the Tom Swift books written before TV and computer games when people actually read for pleasure.  These Tom Swift books were cranked out by teams of writers who tended to share a specific style that absolutely shattered Elmore’s rules.  Tom always modified his dialog sometimes with inadvertently hilarious results.   

“I’ll have a martini,” Tom said dryly.  I have some of these things memorized but they are so easy to do it is better just to let them flow - downhill.

            By the way, Tom Swift was roughly based on the pioneering aviation genius Glenn Curtis who led an amazing if too short life. 

            Anyway, here are some more Tom Swifties along with some other stuff I thought was funny at the time. 

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I pulled a hamstring,” said Tom limply.

 “I’m just an average guy,” said Tom meanly.

“I compose music,” Tom noted.

 “Sesame,” said Tom openly.

“Let’s sort this out,” Tom ordered.

“I’ve been waiting to see the doctor,” said Tom patiently.

 “I’m here,” said Tom presently.

 “I teach at the university,” Tom professed.

“Once again, I read it on Wikipedia,” Tom recited.

 “I see myself,” Tom said upon reflection.

“I'm your second cousin,” Tom related.

“Here is your hot dog,” said Tom with relish.

 “"I will file a counter suit against you," Tom retorted,” Tom retorted.

“That's more or less correct,” Tom said roughly.

 “I only use one herb when I cook,” said Tom sagely.

“Wool is better than cotton,” Tom said sheepishly.

“So, it’s a duel you want!” Tom shot back.

 “It only looks like cocaine,” Tom snorted.

 “I'm from Missouri,” Tom stated.

“I'm not gay,” Tom said with a straight face.

 “I’d like to make a toast,” Tom said warmly.

“If I die, you get everything,” said Tom willingly.

“Would you stop horsing around!” yelled Tom woefully.

“I feel a draft,” Tom said coolly.

 “I’m a broken man,” Tom cracked.

“Our situation is pretty grave,” said Tom cryptically.

I hate it when it rains on a camping trip,” Tom said intently.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Some kid jokes:

A man escaped prison by digging a hole from his cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl’ "I'm four."

Q. How to you catch a unique rabbit?

A. You ‘neak’ up on him.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A. Tame way: you ‘neak’ up on him.

Q. What is a wok?

A. It is what you throw at a wabbit.

Three more language jokes:

My English teacher once asked me to name two pronouns.  I answered “who, me?”

Dear women, we hate periods, too - Sincerely, Commas

Ambiguity – what happens in vagueness stays in vagueness

Here are some thoughts on things that shouldn’t bother me – but they do.

·         Isn’t it fruitless to eat your vegetables?

·         Isn’t the center of register the gist of the word?

·         Can lay people be upstanding citizens?

·         Like the wheel, wasn’t the lazy Susan a revolutionary idea?

·         Did you ever wonder why funeral starts with the word fun?

·         What are you vacating when you go on vacation?

·         If you are a host should you act hostile?  And would you guests be hostages?

·         Can you orient yourself out west?

·         Why are there interstates in Alaska and Hawaii?

·         Why do caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

·         If you are just kidding, isn’t that childish?

·         Aren’t half-baked ideas rare?

·         How do you get off a non-stop flight?

·         During a heart attack, is the heart attacking or is it being attacked?

·         When sick, wouldn’t you go to a medical doctor to be ill-advised?

·         Shouldn’t the doctor be ill-prepared and the patient ill-mannered?

·         Aren’t doctor’s fees ill-gotten gains?

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And finally:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'