Life Lesson JOW #912

Whilst rehabbing my knee I have had opportunity to ponder Life Lessons.  (Well, okay, being unemployed also gave me some time.)  The passing of Lady Barbara also turned my mind to some deeper channels.  So after a few quick jokes provided by your fellow JOW sufferers I have appended some internet wisdom which I hope will enlighten as well as entertain.

======================

A man was at work when he notices his co-worker is wearing an earring.  The man knows his co-worker a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replied sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

From Woody:

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social worker there raised doubts about their suitability to raise a child.

 The pair then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful children’s bedroom.

 The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

 "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

 Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied.  They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

The couple responded "It doesn't really matter as long as the kid is the right caliber… to fit in the cannon."

Pat chipped in with these

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

And this one

On routine patrol off the coast of California, a Coast Guard cutter stopped a small boat containing three Latinos.  “Where are you fellows from and where are you headed?”, asked the officer.  

“We from Mexico, Senor.    We’re going to take California back for Mexico.” 

The bemused Coast Guard Officer said “You three fellows are going to accomplish all that?”   

The Mexican replied, “Oh no, senior.  We are the last.  Everyone else is already there.”

Some words of wisdom

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the family dog!

Bill provided these life lessons -

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 5

*

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7

*

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

*

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12

*

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14

*

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

*

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24

*

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26

*

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29

*

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30

*

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42

*

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44

*

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46

*

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47

*

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48

*

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49

*

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50

*

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51

*

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52

*

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

*

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58

*

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62

*

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64

*

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66

*

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

*

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 74

*

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 76

*

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 78

Another churchy JOW #911

My subject this week is sort of churchy.  I realize my jokes lag major events and such by a week or two; I need time for my inspiration to settle.  I hope you enjoy them.  Oh, and look for part two of my illustrated overseas adventures coming soon to an email box near you.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if..

·         The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

·         People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

·         When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.    

·         Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday     

·         A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never   been in a hole it couldn't get out of"    

·         In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

·         People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

·         The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.    

·         The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with) the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.

·         The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

·         Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.    

·         The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

·         "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.   

·         The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, hear".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An old man approached the local parish priest. 

“Excuse me, father, but I wonder if you can help me.  You see my beloved old hound has just died.  I know it sounds strange but could we have a funeral from my dog?”

“Certainly not!” said the priest.  “We cannot have the holy rites given for a mere dog.”

The man was crestfallen.  “I am sorry to hear that, father.  I was going to pay $5000 to the church for the service.”

“And why didn’t you tell me your dog was a Catholic,” said the priest.  “Come in and let’s discuss arrangements.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The IRS called Father Brown.

“Do you have a parishioner named Pat O’Neal?”

 “Sure and I do,” replied the good father.

“And did he donate $10,000 your church?”

“He will.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.

After a short hesitation, he replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

=================

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

 Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
 A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

And to end, here is one of my favorites.  I first heard this back in college

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
      The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
      On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
      Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
      Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.
      'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”

A JOW again? #910

As we age it seems our interests and hobbies change.  For example, we now seem spend a lot of time going to doctor’s appointments so I guess that is our new hobby.  Personally, I am pleased to have graduated from crutches, to a cane.  It seems Ruth and I spend way too much time doing medical stuff.  But here are a few more or less random jokes.  I hope at least one of them will lighten you day.

Of note: I will be sending part one of the illustrated article of my recent trip to Israel.  I will also post it on my travelogues blog.

Let me start this week with a little literary game I play where I try to write stories in as few sentences as possible; for instance ‘write a horror story in two sentences’.  Here are some examples:

·         I don’t mind my father reading the same story to me every night as I go to bed. But he’s been dead for seven years.

·         I had seen that look of horror before --- when my wife’s mother came back from the grave. Now, my wife was giving that same look to me.

·         There is that moment in when you dream you are falling and you wake up. This time I couldn’t wake up.

·         She awoke to squeaky hinges of the attic door dropping down from the ceiling outside her bedroom. Then she remembered she lived in an apartment and had no attic.

_______________________

Pat played cards once a month with a group of friends, and he usually lost. His wife always woke up when he came home late and tried to get undressed.

One night after the card game he decided to try not to arouse her.  Pat undressed in the living room and tiptoed nude into the bedroom – only to find her sitting up in bed reading.

“Damn it man!” she screamed. “Did you lose everything!?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly snake went to the doctor and told him: “Doc, my eyesight is so bad, I can’t see to hunt any more. I think I need a pair of glasses.”

So the doctor fixed the snake up with a pair of glasses and told him to come back if he still couldn’t manage.

Two weeks later, the snake was back in the doctor’s office. “I’m depressed,” he complained.

“Why, what’s the problem?” asked the doctor. “Haven’t the glasses helped?”

“The glasses are fine,” sighed the snake. “But I’ve discovered that I’ve been living with a garden hose for the past three years.”

Ron provided this one:

Women belong in the kitchen

Men also belong in the kitchen.

Because that’s where the bacon is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A flashy city boy with a vacuous blonde on his arm came into a country bar for a drink. Eventually a local guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself what we call a real trophy girlfriend there.”

“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly. “Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and great boobs?”

“Nope,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”

+++++++++++++++++

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society’s ideal of beauty changes with time. “For example,” he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, “Not very well.”

“Why is that?” asked the professor.

“For one thing” the student pointed out, “She’d be over a hundred years old!”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office, asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem." 

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

********************

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. 

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. 

Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. 

“What on earth did you do that for?” said Frank, “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.” 

Matt replies, “And we weren’t?!”

And finally one from Bill

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.  After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It’s a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.  A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the
gently swaying watch.  They were all hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!  The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT!" shouted Claude.
It took them two days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens Center

Limp JOW #909

The older you get the more you tend to appreciate being at home doing absolutely nothing.  However, this healing hiatus for my knee has begun to get old.  I hope to get off crutches in a week or so and maybe start driving again, but in the meantime I am pretty much stuck in the house on some of the most beautiful days of the year.  Here are a few tasteless jokes about not being about to get around very well.

+++++++++++++

An old guy was walking along the sidewalk dragging his left leg. Approaching from the opposite direction, he spotted another man, also dragging his left leg. They approached each other, and, in that manly way, the first one said to the approaching stranger, "Vietnam 1969."

The other man replied, "Dog doo, one minute ago".

===========

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide, but you can’t run.

Top of Form

“”””””””””””

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so… I think they are retired mermaids.

>>>>>>>> 

Three disabled guys: a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair are flying back to the USA from the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys are the only survivors. They decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; eventually they find a remote oasis. The amputee limps down into the water first, cools himself, drinks deeply and walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he insists the blind man go ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!

^^^^

Husband: “I was so drunk last night that I couldn’t stand up so I kept falling on my face!  I had to crawl all the way home from the pub.”

Wife: “Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!”

This is from my recent trip:

During their holiday and while they were visiting Holy City of Jerusalem, Dennis’ mother- in- law had a heart attack and died.

With death certificates in hand, Dennis went to the Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the city for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Dennis that the sending of a body back to the city for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as ten thousand dollars.

The Consul continues to explain, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost a hundred and fifty dollars.

Dennis thinks about it for a few seconds and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

The Consul, after hearing this sentence, says, “You really must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price.”

“No, that’s not the reason,” replies Dennis. “You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Holy City. On the third day he came back from the dead!

I just can’t take that chance.”

Enough limping jokes:

On a cold winter morning, wife texts husband:*
*"WINDOWS FROZEN, WON'T OPEN"*
*Husband texts back:*
*"POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT AND TAP GENTLY ALONG THE EDGES WITH A HAMMER"*
Five minutes later wife texts husband:
*"COMPUTER REALLY SCREWED UP NOW"*

+++++++++++++++

My wife just said, “You weren’t even listening were you?”

I think that is a pretty strange way to start a conversation, don’t you?

<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

George’s garage burned down and his wife, Tessa, called the insurance company.

Tessa spoke to the insurance officer and said, “We had that garage insured for sixty thousand, and I want my money.”

The officer answered, “Hold on there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new garage of similar worth.”

There was a long quiet pause, and then Tessa answered, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance certificate on my husband.”

==============

Did you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and just feel glad to be alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed to fly on that airline again.

--------------------

Observing the baby one night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment. 

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around her husband, “A penny for your thoughts” she said.

“It’s amazing!” he replied, “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man takes his son camping for the first time.

“Be sure to stay inside your mosquito netting,” the father advised his apprehensive son, “because the bugs may find you.”

Later that night the boy awoke to find fireflies making a luminous display around the campsite.

“Look out, dad,” his son warned, “the bugs are using flashlights.”

Post Op JOW #908

I had my surgery to repair the ruptured tendon on my right knee. The operation went well, but I will be hobbling around for a few weeks, especially since I have a full leg hard splint on.  I have been limping along since I tore the tendon on my second full day in Israel, but the difference is that I will now be healing.  I guess I have reached that point in my life where I will no longer identify my knees as left or right; it’s the good one and bad one.

Here are some topical jokes while I sit with my leg extended perfectly straight.

A man who had just undergone a knee operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.  Since his operation had been on his knee, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing.  He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

`````````````````````````

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
– Will Rogers

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter’s strange eating habits.
“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”
“Eventually,” said the consultant, “she will rise and shine.”

Some actual transcriptions of medical notes.

·         On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

·         The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

·         Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

·         Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

·         While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.

·         Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

·         Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

·         The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

·         Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

·         Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

·         The patient refused autopsy.

·         The patient has no previous history of suicides.

·         She is numb from her toes down.

·         She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

·         Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

·         Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.

·         Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

·         She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

Previous day Zach went to the doctor for his yearly physical control. His blood pressure was too high, his cholesterol was too high, He’d gained some weight, and he didn’t feel so hot.

Zach’s doctor said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated and it would solve his physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your dish with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds and more.

Zach went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M’s and sure enough, he felt better immediately. He never knew eating right could be so easy.

And some non-medical jokes:

*On a cold winter morning, wife texts husband:*
*"WINDOWS FROZEN, WON'T OPEN"*
*Husband texts back:*
*"POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER IT AND TAP *GENTLY ALONG THE EDGES WITH A HAMMER"*
*Five minutes later wife texts husband:*
*"COMPUTER REALLY SCREWED UP NOW"*

-------------------------

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am from the Middle East and here illegally."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago."

The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!” That person puts up his hand and says, "I am I am not American. I am a Mexican. It is easy to get here via Arizona."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Ireland here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Irish lady checks her watch and says:  "Probably at work."

-----------------

Who says building a wall won’t work.  The Chinese built a wall 2000 years ago and they still

don’t have any Mexicans

And finally, a touching story from Bill,

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.  If he stopped, she stopped.  Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay."   She then said, "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."  She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk..  "How come so much?  I only bought 5 items."  The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too"