Good Doggy JOW #1147

 Every August I try to do a set of jokes based on dogs.  We are still in the dog days and August 26 was International Dog Day.  I have owned half a dozen dogs over the past 25 years or so and miss all of the ones who are gone.  Dogs do many things for a family, including bringing mortality into our lives. They also bring a lot of joy; I hope these jokes bring some enjoyment to you.

 

I am going to start out with some simple dog riddles.             

Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike?

A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A: A friend you can count on.

 

Q: What do you call a cold dog?

A: A Chili Dog.

 

Q: What do you call a frozen dog?

A: A pupsicle.

 

Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?

A: Mustard! It’s the best thing for a hot dog.

​​

Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee?

A: A Greyhound Buzz.

 

Q: What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a radio?

A: A golden receiver!

 

Q: What kind of work does a dog lawyer do?

A: Pro Bono.

 

Q: What did the man get who tried to cross breed a computer with a dog?
A: Too many bites too handle

 

Q: Why did the Eskimo name his dog "Frost"?

A: Because "Frost" bites.

 

Q: What happens when a dog loses its tail?

A: It goes to a retail store to buy a new one.

 

Q: Why is a noisy yappy dog like a tree?
A: They both have a lot of bark.

>>>>> 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm thinking about taking up raising dogs," the guy tells the bartender.

"Great idea," the bartender replies. "I can give you a few Pointers."

****

Policeman: "Excuse me mister, but were you aware that your dog has been chasing a guy on his bike"

Dog Owner: "Are you nuts? My dog is not even able to ride a bike"

------

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. 

_____

If you long for the pitter-patter of little feet, buy a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

~~~~

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him.

~~~~

If you are old enough you can remember a time when dogs you do chase cars.  Here are a couple about that.

My dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He chases parked cars.  If the car is moving, he sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. 

 

A teenager chasing after a girl is like a dog chasing a car.  He wouldn’t know what to do with it if you caught one.

 

What would happen if you crossed a dog and a cheetah?

You'd get a dog that chased after cars, but was actually fast enough to catch them!

^^^^^^^^^^

In the northern hemisphere, small herding dogs chase their tails clockwise, but in the southern hemisphere, they chase them counter-clockwise.

This is due to the corgiolis effect.

Some slightly more adult jokes.

A dog and a cat are arguing about who is more important to humans

The dog said: “I’m so important they even named a body part after me, their K9 tooth!”
The cat smiled and said: “You’re not gonna want to hear this”

>>>>>>> 

I said to my wife, "I've got something to tell you, but it's hard to say.'

She said nervously "Go on."
I said. "Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead."

<<<<<<<< 

When my friend's dog died, I bought an identical one to try to cheer them up...but it just made them more upset. Do you know what my friend said when I gave the dog to them?

"What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!"

****

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

++++

A guy is sitting at the bar when he notices a dog on the floor licking his junk. He turns to the bartender and says, “Man, that’s amazing. I would love it if I could do that.”

The bartender looks at him and says, “I’m sure he’d appreciate that very much.”

```````

I named my dog “Five Miles.” So that I could say, “I am going to walk Five Miles now”

……

My dog was my soulmate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum... —Elayne Boosler

<<<<<< 

Husband: It is raining cats and dogs now
Wife: That is ok, so long as it doesn't reindeer.

=====

Did you hear about the dog who was fined for delivering puppies on the side of the road?
She was given a ticket for littering

+++++

Man: Our dog is such a good, clever boy dear. He brings in a newspaper everyday
Wife: I guess that is pretty clever
Man: Yes, especially when we have never signed up or bought a subscription to any.

^^^^^^

I recently planted a pet tree; it’s like having a pet dog except the bark is much quieter.

~~~~~

Every single day I have a German shepherd come and take a dump on my lawn in the morning.

Today he even brought his dog with him!

​And finally

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace

Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found.
As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside and saw that his dog had eaten all the grass in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me

Mindlessness JOW #1146

I have a somewhat spiritual JOW this week, specifically, a lot of jokes about Buddhism.  There are lots of good jokes about Buddhism.  Of course, in order to get the jokes you need to have some understanding of that philosophy.  Alas, my karma ran over my dogma, but I do know enough to poke some gentle fun to our gentle Buddhist neighbors. 

 

Zen koans for the Internet age

·         If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

·         What is the sound of no hands texting?

·         If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?

·         To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

 

Zen GPS:

·         Follow your bliss

·         The Obstacle is the path

·         If you aim for it, you are turning away from it.

·         Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

 

Buddhist complement: I have never met anyone so thoughtless.

 

Buddhist conundrum: What do you do when you have freed yourself of all desires except the desire to be free from desire?

 

Boomer Buddhist: ‘Guru’ is so passé.  I prefer Wisdom Consultant.

 

Millennial Buddhist: the best way to achieve enlightenment is to argue with people on Facebook

 

Gen Z Buddhist: Today I will live in the moment.  Unless the moment is unpleasant. Then I will eat a cookie.

 

Cat Buddhist:  Imagine the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball.

 

Buddhist Greeting Card – Not Thinking of You.

 

Zen crossword puzzle.

1. Across          Nothing 

1. Down           Nothing

 

Drink tea and nourish life.

With the first sip… joy.

With the second… satisfaction.

With the third…. peace.

With the fourth…. a Danish.

 

One Zen student said, “My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating.”

The second said, “My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep."

The third said, “My teacher is so wise that he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”

 

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a pistol from inside his robe shows it to the vendor and states "I have found my inner piece."

=====

I was glad to see my Buddhist friends to joining and chant in protest.

Everyone knows the more Ohms, the greater the resistance.

Buddhist riddles

Q: Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

A: He only made it to Nearvana.

 

Q: Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

A: He kept marking the cause of death as “birth.”

 

Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three — one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.

 

Q: How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, they enlighten themselves.

 

Q: Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

A: He kept marking the cause of death as “birth.”

 

Q: What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?

A: Inquire within!

 

Q. What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door sales person who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?

A. Too many attachments!

 

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?

A: He enters Nerdvana.

 

Q: What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?

A: Inquire within!

Q: Why can't Buddhists learn binary code?

A: Because they are at one with everything.

^^^^^

 

A Zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”

“Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

 

The Master instructed his pupil: “Do you understand that you don’t really exist?”

Upon which the pupil replies: “To whom are you telling that?”

 

Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon. Buddha opened it to find it empty. “Aha!” he said, “Just what I wanted. Nothing!”

 

Zen master told me, “Do the opposite of what I tell you.” So I didn’t.

 

If your plane of consciousness is too high an oxygen mask will descend from the ceiling.

 

Then there are hillbilly Buddhists.  They believe in reintarnation.

 

First Buddhist: "How's life?"

Second Buddhist: "I've had better."

 

An ad posted on Craigslist

One slightly used ego for sale. This ego runs well and has been meticulously maintained.  It comes complete with attachments, false ideas about what defines you, hopes, fears, and anxieties.  Great at distracting you from seeing things as they really are.  Comes with a lifetime warranty.

I have begun meditating so I am looking to get rid of it as soon as possible to make room for the present moment.

Enough with the Buddhist jokes

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says.

“Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

 

The editor of a Vermont weekly sent to one Hiram Sparks a notice that his subscription had expired.

The notice came back with the laconic scrawl: “So’s Hiram.”

 

 “I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“No, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “But you used to.”

 

Comedian W.C. Fields, describing a dry town that did not sell whiskey: “We lived for days on nothing but food and water.”

 

Finally, an old English joke.

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”

 

WeightyJOW #1145

 Like many people I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.  I could lose weight if I wanted to; but I hate losing.   But I am on a diet now.  Of course, the only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate some nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate some nachos.”  Here is a collection of jokes about dieting; can the collective of that be referred to as: ‘a binge of jokes’?

 

My doctor told me to lose some weight.

I said, "How?"
He said "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

 

Nutritionist: You should eat 1,500 calories a day. 

Me: OK, and how many a night?

 

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

 

You can’t lose weight by talking about it. You need to keep your mouth shut.

 

I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight and a popup asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question?

 

Wouldn’t it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and a couple of sizes smaller?

 

I started a new diet where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, it expanded both my waist and my vocabulary.

 

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

 

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes?

Last I heard, he was still at Large.

 

Did you know LSD can make you lose weight?

Because you can't get to the fridge if there's huge, knarly dragon guarding it.

 

What do you call a Greek god who wants to lose weight?

A Diety

 

Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake.  Just don't pick it up.

 

I discovered a shortcut today. If you put your Fitbit in the dryer, you can get a head start on your steps. I had 3,800 steps in before I put on my pants!

 

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there.

 

Q: How does the Energizer bunny stay in shape?

A: The Alkaline diet.

 

If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. 

 

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

 

Some Aussie idioms.

Floordrobe - Someone who spreads their clothes around the bedroom floor.

Fitness centre - A place where they leave no stern untoned.

Salad dodger - Fatso.

 

And some random words that desperately need to be invented.

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser. 

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. 

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. 

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text. 

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type

Tanorexia - Devoted to getting a suntan.

``````````

A man loved to eat and did so with gusto—to the distress of his wife, who worried about his weight. One evening he was devouring a snack of cheese spread and crackers. As he scraped the last bit of spread from its container, he asked his wife if she wanted to save the jar.

“No, it’s okay,” the wife replied. “Go ahead and eat it.”

 

Here is a joke from an earlier time.  Remember the old ‘Tunnels of Love’?  They were like Disney’s “It’s a Small World’ ride, only without the annoying song the robots sing.  I heard that ride was used to elicit confessions from terrorists before it was stopped by the UN.  Anyone, once upon a time, young couples would snuggle up in the warm darkness of a boat ride in the private darkness.

 

A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.

“Shucks,” the boy said, “It was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”

“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”

The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”

+++++

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher. A friend dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. He remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

And finally, fittingly, a couple of slow turtle jokes

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.” 

------

One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store.”

Discombobulated JOW #1144

 The world has become a very serious place recently.  I noticed it when I sat down to do my JOW this week.  I try to keep my eyes (and ears) open for humorous bits, but this is hard when you are on the road, coming back from the high country to the sweltering coast Gulf plains.  Thus my jokes are bit late and discombobulated this week.  I hope you can find a few of them amusing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit

Wisdom is knowing not to put tomatoes in a fruit salad

Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a smoothie

Common sense is knowing that ketchup is not a smoothie

Roombas can’t live in the wilderness.  Nature abhors a vacuum.

If you had told me when I was a kid I would have robots calling my house I would have thought it was neat.  Now robots ARE calling me several times a day and I find it really annoying.

What rock group has only four members but none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore.  They were supposed to have five members but they forgot to plan ahead.

 

Cows kill more people than sharks.  Of course, I am surprised cows kill any sharks at all.

 

There is a new restaurant in town called the Manhattan Project.  It’s a fusion restaurant.

 

Most people don’t know plutonium is edible.  Once.

 

SETI is looking for intelligent life.  All its antenna are pointed away from Earth.

 

Does anyone else wonder that the name of the first ‘man’ on the moon, Neil A. is alien spelled backward.

 

Fact: There is a species of mushroom that if eaten once is enough to feed a person until the end of their life.

 

I love the way the Earth rotates.  It really makes my day.

 

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

 

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

 

I can run faster than a shark, but a shark can swim faster than me.

So in a triathlon it would come down to who is the better cyclist.

 

I love watching programs about lakes and rivers on the internet.  Anything water related, really.  Right now I am watching a live stream right now.

Oops, it just stopped.

Dam.

 

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, the customer answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

 

A friend’s wife just completed a 40 week body building program.  He weighed in at 7 pounds six ounces.  The gains are becoming a parent.

 

Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.

Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!

 

Here is a question for all you mind readers…..

 

Some social media exchanges

Mother: My son keeps eating electric cords.

Therapist: Ground him until he learns how to conduct himself.

 

Him: Good socks don’t need shoes.

Her: Other way round

Him: Shoes need don’t socks good.

 

I know pronounce you husband and wife.  You may now update your Meta status.

 

Private eyes are now being asked to follow people on Twitter.

 

An old witch joined a bunch of Millennial witches and noticed that she was the only one riding a broom, the rest were on vacuum cleaners.

“Am I the only one who still drives a stick?”

The younger witches sneered, “Okay Broomer.”

^^^^

Bouncer: “Sorry, I need to see an ID.”

Girl: “I told you I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”

>>>> 

If you grew up watching movies in the ’80s how come you and your friends haven’t found a treasure map by now?

``````

A woman was on her way to meet her husband at a restaurant, when realized that she didn’t have her phone and immediately panicked. She needn’t have worried. Her husband had seen her phone as he left home and brought it to her.  She checked texts. There was only one, and it was from her husband: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.”

 

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

And finally:

A young Seattle college student flying in the right seat of a small plane with an elderly pilot. 
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically grabs the controls and the mike and calls out..... "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!" 
She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying..... "This is Sea-Tac Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine!"
"Now give me your height and position." 
The young blonde replies, "I'm 5' 2" and I and sitting down." 
"O.K."....says the calm voice on the radio. "Now slowly repeat after me........
“Our Father, who art in Heaven.................”

 

Deep Quotes JOW #1143

We are still luxuriating in the cool Rockies while the rest of the country swelters.   But I am not going waste my vacation with meaningless rest and relaxation.  So here are some humorous (I hope) bits starting with some deep quotes from one of my favorite characters, Homer Simpson.

 

·         “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”

·         “Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure, it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?”

·         “Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.”

·         “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.”

·         “What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.”

·         “I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”

·         "Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy will be done."

·         “I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.”

·         “When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead, it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy”.”

·         “The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.”

·         “If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”

·         “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.”

·         “Oh my god, space aliens. Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”

·         Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'

·         “I’m going back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.”

·         “I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”

·         "Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right - no, the duty - to make a complete ass of myself."

·         “Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.”

·         "Yes, honey... Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”

·         “I can’t even say the word ‘titmouse’ without giggling like a schoolgirl.”

·         “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!”

·         “All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

·         “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

·         “When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!”

·         “Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that.”

·         “Marge don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

·         “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.”

·         “It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

·         “Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene’.”

And my all-time favorite Homer quote:

·         “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

 

I haven’t done any knock knock jokes for a while.  Here are a few just for fun.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Yoda lady.

Yoda lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!

 

Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

It's to whom.

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cook.

Cook who?

Yeah, you do sound kinda crazy.

 

Knock knock.

Who’s there? 

HIPAA.

HIPAA who? 

I’m sorry, I’m not authorized to release that information.

 

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock, knock.

 

Some of you might be familiar with ‘Pluggers’, a cartoon strip that highlights creatures he calls ‘pluggers’; a plugger is a blue-collar working critter espousing the working-class lifestyle.

Here are a few examples:

·         You might be a Plugger if you miss drinking Tab

·         A Plugger hangover is the one that ‘hangs over’ his belt

·         A Plugger isn’t ever sure whether his beach towel shrank in the wash or his beach bod grew in the winter

·         You know you are a Plugger when you can comb your ‘hair’ with a towel.

·         Plugger cologne: AKA bug spray

·         Pluggers know how much a sawbuck and two bits are worth

·         A plugger remembers when the gas gallons meter numbers went faster than the dollars meter numbers.

·         You might be a plugger if you go to the beach and do everything you can to avoid getting a tan.

·         Pluggers are not talking to themselves.  They are just thinking out loud.

·         You have become a plugger when you notice all curbs are now higher and take longer to step over.

·         A plugger’s golf handicap is arthritis.

·         When a plugger’s computer starts acting up, you can be sure the problem is the connection between the chair and the mouse.

·         You’re a plugger if you walk with a limp and you don’t even know why.

And finally, an actual joke.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"