Somewhat Scientific JOW #966

I have some sort of science-based jokes.  I have to be careful with science jokes; after all, my wife is a scientist and I need to tread lightly.  But I think none of these will get me into trouble.  Besides, I really like these.  I know, there is not accounting for taste.

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?

A: If I’ve told you once I’ve told you n+1 times…”

++++++++

Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers?  He would stop at nothing to avoid them.

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A mathematician wandered back home at 3:00 AM and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You said you would be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” he retorted, “I said I would be back by a quarter of twelve.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^

A statistician has discovered that the average human has at least one testicle and one breast.

Some scientific definitions:

·         The ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter – Eskimo Pi

·         2000 pounds of Chinese soup – Won ton

·         One millionth of a mouthwash – one microscope

·         Weight an evangelist carries with God – One Billygram

·         Time to takes to sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour – Knotfurlong

·         365 days of drinking low calorie beer – One lite year

·         16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone – One rod Serling

·         Half of a large intestine – One semicolon

·         One million aches – One megahertz

·         Basic unit of laryngitis – One hoarsepower

·         2000 mockingbirds – Two kilomocking bird

·         One kilogram of falling figs – One fig Newton

·         Eight nickels – two paradigms

·         Time between slipping on a peel and falling – One bananosecond

·         Shortest distance between two jokes – A straight line

Here are some esoteric ‘walked into a bar’ jokes.

A German walked into a bar and ordered a martini.

“Dry?” the bartender asked.

“Nein, just one.”

>>>>>>>>>> 

A Roman legionnaire walked into a bar.

“I’ll have a martinius.”

“You mean a martini?”

“No, just one.”

<<<<<<<<<<< 

Then another Roman legionnaire walked into a bar, held up his fingers in a V, and said, “Give me five beers.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

C, E-flat and G walked into a bar.

“Sorry,” said the bartender, “We don’t serve minors.”

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One way to tell if you are old.  Fall down in front of some people.  If they laugh at you, you are still considered young.  If they run to help you up, you are old

 Senior’s medical advice from Dick

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon!
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side Effects May Include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Warnings:
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Chardonnay, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!
Please feel free to share this important information!
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!!

Finally from Bill

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon finding the couple making love.  He tied them up and told the man to hand over his jewelry and money.  The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me. But please untie the ropes and let her go!” 

Thief: “Man, you must really love your wife.”   

 Man: “No, but she’ll be home soon.”

Post Valentine JOW #965

Last week was Valentine’s Day, which I feel is one of the most pernicious of all the Hallmark Holidays.   Men are supposed to shower their ladies with gifts and romantic gestures.  I would suspect that the whole thing was made up by the feminists, except these days they are more involved with politics than romance; these days the whole subject of love is fraught with minefields.  In truth, love has always been perilous.   Are you familiar with that tingly feeling that you get in your body when you start to fall in love? That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body.  Yes, the brain is the most impressive organ in our whole body. From the day you are born, it works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, right up until you fall in love.  Here are some somewhat related jokes about Valentine’s Day.

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Do you have a date for next year’s Valentine’s Day?

Yes, it is February 14th.

Men and women are different.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked... with beer.

===========

Why do men like to fall in love at first sight? Because doing so saves them a lot of money.

+++++++++++

A Renaissance Faire knight’s girlfriend sent him off to the pub while she stayed home to polish his medieval battle gear. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

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A nerdy pickup line: Hi.  Call me Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

==========

A woman made the decision to break off her recent engagement.  Her friend said, “What happened? I thought it was love at first sight!”

To which the woman replied, “but the second and third looks changed my mind.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Love is a form of amnesia where a girl forgets that there are about 1.2 billion other boys out there in the world.

>>>>>>>>> 

Never laugh at your significant other’s choices because you happen to be one of them.

A visual joke -  

A T-Rex told his girlfriend, “I love you this much,” as he stretched out arms.

To which the girlfriend replied, “That’s not very much!”

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Q: Daddy, why are all those cars beeping their horns?

A: Because there’s a wedding happening.

Q: Don’t we say the horn a warning signal, Daddy?

A: Exactly, son.

___________

A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking.

She replies, “It’s me talking to the wine.”

…………….

There were two antennas who fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.  And the reception was excellent.

……………………

Roger was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweler’s shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweler inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?"

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'."

The jeweler smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you."

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not romantic - practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."

^^^^^

A man wanted Valentine's Day to be special, so he bought a bottle of absinthe and stopped by the florist's to order a bouquet of his wife's favorite flower: white anemones. Unfortunately, the florist was sold out of flowers and had only a few stems of feathery ferns. The man asked the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He added a card and proceeded home. After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presented his wife with the gift. She opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones."

And finally, something completely different.

A fancy new grocery store opened near my home.  It has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes off you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of rain.  As you approach the diary section you hear the lowing of cattle and the smell of fresh hay.  Near the egg section there is the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs and the sound of eggs frying.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

Dental JOW #964

First and foremost a note – I have been doing these JOW’s for over 15 years with some regularity.  For reasons that escape me, from time to time people just drop off the email list.  It is not because I do not care about you.  I think it is either nefarious federal agents or space aliens.  The point is, if you do not get my JOW for a couple of weeks, let me know so I can put you back on the mailing list.

I had oral surgery last week; actually it was not too bad.  But that got me thinking about dentists and jokes about dentists which make up the core of my jokes this week.  We should be kind to dentists.  They have fillings too.  I mean they have to do more cavity searches than TSA.

I hope you enjoy these offerings.

======

"I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you were seeing your dentist?" "That's right, Sir."

"So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a friend?"

"That was my dentist."

-------------------

In the courtroom a dentist was called as a witness. He took the oath a few feet from the recorder’s desk, and she noticed his upraised arm was trembling, apparently from nervousness. After he finished, she couldn't resist saying softly, "Sit down, Doctor. This won't hurt a bit."

+++++++++++++

They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

===============

"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient. "Dear God!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."

"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

``````````````

Sometimes dentists give you the option of Novocain or Yanni.

```````````

“Your gums look sensitive.  Let’s stab them with this prison shank.”

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Q: What does the dentist of the year get? A: A little plaque
Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment? A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Four out of five dentists think the other dentist is an idiot.

<<<<<<<<<<< 

What do you call a dentist’s system of thought?
His fl ossophy.

--------------------

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
I don’t know. How?
His drill slipped.

“””””””””””””””””””

Some dental book tittles

“Dental Examination” by Hope N. Wide.

“Pain Management” by Nova Cane.

“Use your own toothbrush!” Tom bristled.

I haven’t used a knock-Knock joke for a while

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes, who?
Dishes how I talk since I lost my teeth!

***********

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation for an urgent visit to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry," the woman said to the dentist. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You’re certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your sore tooth, dear."

+++++++++++++

When a new dentist set up in a small town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the latest kind of "Painless" dentist. But a local lad quickly disputed this. "He's a fake ! " he told his friends. "He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he yelled like anyone else."

--------------

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $200

Patient: $200 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A patient asked the dentist, if it wasn’t nasty to be all the day with the hands in someone's mouth.

The dentist answered "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

Once, many years ago, a dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to the hotel that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten to put his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

"Try these," he said. The speaker tried them.

"Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair...try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

And a final bit of wisdom from Steve:

When you shoot yourself in the foot, while your foot is in your mouth, the risk of collateral damage is significant...

Tatted up JOW #963

Adriana Grande, the singer, recently got a tattoo using Japanese characters promoting her new album ‘7 Rings’.  Unfortunately the characters did not spell out “7 Rings”; they actually read “small charcoal grill.”  There was a big internet reaction.  I am sure the publicity was good for her album.  I understand there has also been a spike in sales for Webber charcoal grills.  She was a good sport about it though, tweeting out that she loved little charcoal grills.

That got me thinking about tattoos, which are, as Jimmy Buffett put it, a permanent reminder of a temporary feeling.  Yes, tattoos are more or less there forever.  You don’t want to have ‘No Regerts’  on your body.  Well, unless you have a really strange sense of humor.  I suppose a tat provides identity, and serve as a marker for a certain time in your life.  Of course, some people treat them like bumper stickers for their body.

Here are some ideas for your very own tattoos. 

·         The road to success is always under construction

·         I am too open-minded, my brain is falling out.

·         Born funny, showing it through a tattoo! 

·         I started with nothing and have most of it left

·         I am a genius and there is nothing I can do about it.

·         Whether you think you can or can't, you're right.

·         If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

·         When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

·         I speak two languages, Body and English. 

·         A line is a dot that went for a walk.

·         I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

·         Our friendship is endless, until I squeeze out your last buck.

·         I am your friend in need, a needy friend. 

·         I believe in true friendship of opportunism.

·         I plead contemporary insanity.

·         I doubt, therefore I might be.

·         God’s funny child. 

·         Born free, taxed to death.

And since football is now over I thought I better use these football quotes provided by Jim before we forget about the sport for the  next six  months.

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football".....
- John Heisman  

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant / Alabama

"   It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!”
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame  

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any."
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."    
-  Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts."    
-  Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."    
-  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."    
-  Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."   
-  Bob Devaney / Nebraska  

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."    
-  Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."   
–  Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” 
-  Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."    
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David."    
- Shug Jordan / Auburn   
 ‘
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ."     
He said,  "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."   
-    Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State  

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."    
-  Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. DANCING is a contact sport."  
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was;
"All those who need showers, take them."    
-  John McKay / USC

"   If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”   
-  Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb."    
-  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches."     
-  Darrell Royal / Texas   

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."       
-  John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."    
-  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Auburn fans wear orange?    
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?    
Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?   
None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said,  "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?   
"Will the defendant please rise."

If three Rutgers football players are in the same car, who is driving?  
The police officer.

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend? 
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week.  The other half will have to dress themselves. 

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?  
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.   

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?  
Pay him for the pizza.