Memorial Day JOW #715

Today is Memorial Day, once called Decoration Day when people would put flowers on the graves of soldiers you died in the War Between the States.  It is not necessarily about veterans, but is about those veterans who died on active service.  It would be good if we did not need to have the Armed Forces but unfortunately, the world is just full of assholes.  George Orwell is credited with the following quote.  “We sleep soundly because rough men stand ready in the night  to visit violence on those who would do us harm.” 

Enjoy your Memorial Day.  Here is another quote to ponder.

Never Forget that Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, War has Never Solved Anything.

For my gun control friends – you have no idea how bad it is in some place.

Stationed in Bosnia, NATO launched an operation to collect leftover war weapons from civilians. After a particularly good haul from one home, the sergeant in charge joked that they'd be back later to pick up the tank. The owner sheepishly led him to a shed behind the house. There stood a T-55 tank in perfect working order.

+++++++++++++++

Ah, the M67 fragmentation grenade – when ‘screw you’ is not enough to get your point across. 

*************

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one such conflict, a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, got on the horn to legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

General Puller asked for another count.... and got a similar, anxious answer: "Many, many, MANY Chinese!"

" %* # ! dammit ! " swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir! ! ?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there?”

"General, we got a whole sh*tload of Chinese up here!" 

"Thank God." exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

'The true Soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because He loves what is behind him.' -G. K. Chesterton

Some of these are on tee shirts and some are on bumper stickers

Ø  U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club

Ø  U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents to Allah

Ø  When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine

Ø  The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight

Ø  Death Smiles At Everyone - Marines Smile Back

Ø  Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!

Ø  Napalm is okay by me

Ø  Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just a Vulgar Brawl

Ø  One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support - Go Navy !

Ø  If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher.  If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran

Three weeks into training camp, the young sailor still hadn’t gotten used to Navy cooking and was surviving on milk and desserts. In one food line, he picked up the biggest piece of cake available and set it on his tray. The mess cook behind the counter saw the gleam in his eye and asked him if he’d like two pieces. When he eagerly answered that I would, the cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake in two.

************

A former Marine went to work for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb.

When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”

Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”

A retired Navy admiral began a second career working in a bank. One morning, while he prepared his desk for the day, he was approached by a young officer from the nearby Naval base. “Sorry, but this department isn’t open yet,” the admiral said.

“But it’s nine o’clock!” protested the officer.

The old man didn’t look at his watch. Instead, he surveyed his customer’s uniform. “Ensign,” he snapped, “I’ll decide when it’s nine o’clock!”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Stephen Colbert has a lot of great quotes:  Here are a few of my favorites:

·         "The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.

·         "An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough."

·         "Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt."

·         "Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit on stupidity."

·         “I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

Marital JOW #714

My son got married last week in New Orleans.  It was a wonderful wedding but I fear he will soon learn like all husbands that love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.  I have heard it said that a man is incomplete until he is married.  If true, then Richard is finished.    I have a few marriage bits and some things about New Orleans this week.  Enjoy.

A couple of quick observations about New Orleans:

·         “If there was no New Orleans, America would just be a bunch of free people dying of boredom." -Judy Deck

·         “The first thing you notice about New Orleans are the burying grounds - the cemeteries - and they're a cold proposition, one of the best things there are here. Going by, you try to be as quiet as possible, better to let them sleep. Greek, Roman, sepulchers- palatial mausoleums made to order, phantomesque, signs and symbols of hidden decay - ghosts of women and men who have sinned and who've died and are now living in tombs. The past doesn't pass away so quickly here. You could be dead for a long time”   - Bob Dylan
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tulane is located in New Orleans.  It is a fine school but not noted for its attractive women.

Q. What's the difference between a Tulane University sorority sister and a scarecrow?

A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

***************

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

___________________

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in India a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.

The bartender asked the man “What’s wrong, why are you so down today?”

The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.

The bartender said “So what’s wrong with that”?

The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

……………………………….

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.

The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."

She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."

The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."

She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

`````````````````````````````````

A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

++++++++++++++++++

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Rod was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Rod responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

====================

The annoying husband was complaining to his wife: I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."

His wife said, 'Thank you.'     

###############
A man walked into a Louisiana bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure."

"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

And finally:

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The man was impressed.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." Once again the man was impressed.

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man was impressed once more.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

Marital JOW #714

My son got married last week in New Orleans.  It was a wonderful wedding but I fear he will soon learn like all husbands that love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.  I have heard it said that a man is incomplete until he is married.  If true, then Richard is finished.    I have a few marriage bits and some things about New Orleans this week.  Enjoy.

A couple of quick observations about New Orleans:

·         “If there was no New Orleans, America would just be a bunch of free people dying of boredom." -Judy Deck

·         “The first thing you notice about New Orleans are the burying grounds - the cemeteries - and they're a cold proposition, one of the best things there are here. Going by, you try to be as quiet as possible, better to let them sleep. Greek, Roman, sepulchers- palatial mausoleums made to order, phantomesque, signs and symbols of hidden decay - ghosts of women and men who have sinned and who've died and are now living in tombs. The past doesn't pass away so quickly here. You could be dead for a long time”   - Bob Dylan
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tulane is located in New Orleans.  It is a fine school but not noted for its attractive women.

Q. What's the difference between a Tulane University sorority sister and a scarecrow?

A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

***************

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

___________________

A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in India a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”.

The bartender asked the man “What’s wrong, why are you so down today?”

The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn’t talk to me for a month”.

The bartender said “So what’s wrong with that”?

The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

……………………………….

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.

The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."

She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."

The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."

She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

`````````````````````````````````

A couple had been married for 50 years and had raised a brood of 10 children. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”

++++++++++++++++++

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Rod was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Rod responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

====================

The annoying husband was complaining to his wife: I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives."

His wife said, 'Thank you.'     

###############
A man walked into a Louisiana bar with his alligator and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure."

"Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator."

And finally:

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The man was impressed.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." Once again the man was impressed.

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man was impressed once more.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.