V.a.c.a.t.i.o.n JOW #1092

It is summer – time for vacation or, as I put it, a tour of my relative’s guest rooms.  This past trip we went to the cool high air of Estes Park.  We had a wonderful vacation.  Now that we are home I thought it would be appropriate to do some jokes on vacations and travel.  I hope you enjoy them.

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I'll never forget on the last morning of vacation when the front desk dialed our room.

That was a real wake-up call.

 ‘’’’

I am thinking about opening a dungeons and dragons themed vacation rental...

I’m going to call it Air D&D

~~~~`
“Hey boss, can I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?”

“It’s May.”
“ Fine. May I get a few weeks of vacation time during Christmas?”

<<<<< 

I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation.  Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

>>>>>> 

A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.

With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.
"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.
"No, sorry, that's our carrion"

--------------

I went on a ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ vacation.

Never again.

 

Stupid Vacation Riddles

·         What's the opposite of a dirty destination? A clean getaway.

·         Where does a ghost go on vacation?  Mali- Boo~

·         Where do math teachers go on vacation? To Times Square.

·         Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!

·         Where does a cow stay when it is on vacation? A moo-tel!

·         Where do pepperonis go on vacation? The Leaning Tower of Pizza.

·         Why did the pirate go on vacation? He needed some AARRRRGGH and AARRRRGGH!

·         Where do sheep go on vacation? To the Baaaaaahamas.

·         Where do sharks go on holiday? Finland.

·         Where do eggs go on holiday? New Yolk City.

·         Where do bees stay while on vacation?  Air Bee and Bee

 

============

A man on Vacation in Vietnam asks for directions to the best restaurant in town.

So he walks up to some random Vietnamese guy and asks him, "Where do I go for the best food in town?"
The Vietnamese man, deciding to play a joke on the foreigner, says, "There's this great restaurant down the road and the first restaurant past your left. It's called the Pho King. He's even so popular they named the street after him, you've gotta check it out."
So, the man, not realizing he was messing with him, searches, but to no avail. He eventually goes all around town looking for this street, before he finally realizes, "There's No Pho King Way."

++++++++++++

A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata. The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?"

The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the drums stop, it will be very bad, very bad,"

The man looks at the clerk and asks, “Well, what would be so bad? What will happen when the drum stop?"
The porter get a pained look, leans close and whispers, "When the drums stop, then comes the bass solo!"

~~~~~~

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. Here are some names that match up better with “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”

·         “Eau the Humanity” 

·         “Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” 

·         “Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” 

·         “Claustrophobique” 

·         “Mist Connection“

·         “The 99 Per-scent”  

Finally

Two Priests decided to go to Miami Beach on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as priests......As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.  The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a *drop-dead gorgeous blonde* in a bikini came swaying past them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different bright bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, “Father, it's me, Sister Philomena.”

Postscript:

(Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”)

Cheap Drunk JOW #1091

 I am up in Estes Park, Colorado, for a week or so to visit relatives.  It is merely coincidence that it is hot and humid back in Texas and sunny and 75 here in Estes Park.  One thing that is different from the Gulf Coast is that there is less air up here.  One noted side effect of the thin air is that you become a cheap drunk – you have to watch your alcohol intake.  This got me thinking about booze and its effects as a theme for my JOW.

Imagine this as a cheery TV advertisement.

Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy?  Are you plagued with shyness?  Do you wish you could be more assertive?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your bartender about Tequila. 

Tequila may not be right for everyone.  Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use tequila.  However, women who would like to become pregnant should try tequila. 

Side effects can include giddiness, dizziness, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, headache, dehydration, dry mouth; a desire to play naked twister, truth or dare, and all-night strip poker.  Consumption of tequila may make you believe you are talking quietly when you are not, dance like a fool, tell your friends over and over that you love them and cause you think you can and should sing.  Tequila may make you think that ex-lovers are really dying for you to call them at 4 AM.  Tequila may lead to thinking you are smarter, stronger, and better looking than you actually are resulting in pregnancy or getting your ass kicked.

So what are you waiting for?  Stop hiding and start living with tequila!

……………………………………………..

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk.

Cinnamon

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Things that are very difficult to say when you are drunk.

British Constitution

Loquacious

Passive-Aggressive disorder

Worcestershire

Things that are almost impossible to say when you are drunk.

No, thank you, I do not want to have sex.

No, thank you, no more alcohol for me

Oh, no, I couldn’t.  No one wants me to sing.

I don’t know how to dance.

I don’t think I can jump up on that table either.

=============

-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does chocolate. 

- I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.

- Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

- I realize I may not be everyone’s cup of tea. I’d rather be someone’s shot of Tequila anyway.

Some alcohol quotes:

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
– W.C. Fields

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
– Stephen Wright

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
– William Butler Yeats

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
– Henry Lawson

To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all our problems

– Homer Simpson

Some observations:

·         I saw a PETA sign with a cute little pig next to a puppy.  “Why love one and eat the other?”  The sign asked.  The obvious answer is my dog is not made of delicious bacon.

·         Money cannot buy happiness.  It can, however, rent it for a while.

·         If you help someone in trouble, they will remember you… when they are in trouble again.

·         Many people remain alive only because it is illegal to shoot them.

·         Forgive your enemy but remember his name.

·         I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

·         Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

·         Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

·         I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute...

·         I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

·         Thoughts on getting old provided by Don.

·         I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

·         It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just going on YouTube to see how to do stuff.

·         I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you, and no one knew what kale was.

·         But if you take kale and put it in a well-oiled pan it slides into the trash more easily.

·         Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

·         I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

·         As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

And one final off-topic joke

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day.  The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water. “That will be twenty dollars,” she said. The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work. The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop.

“I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”

 

You bet your JOW #1090

 

With the end of pandemic shutdowns people are going out once again.  Some of those people will inevitably go to Las Vegas – you can bet on it.  This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos.  Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.  Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.  The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.  This is done by the chip monks.

Good luck to all you gamblers.

 

A gambling quote:

Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the common-sensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.

~ Gloria Steinem

 

The Government’s position: Gambling is addictive, morally wrong, and predatory, so we are outlawing it.

In unrelated news the Powerball jackpot is $126 Million Dollars! Can't win if you don't play!

<<<<< 

My friend’s gambling is getting out of hand.

He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
I thought, "I might have to raise him."

~~~~

Gambling is like drugs

The dealer always wins

++++

Why can’t pirates play cards? Because they’re standing on the deck!

‘’’’’’’

What has a heart and no organs? A deck of cards!

``````

Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.

`````

Sign you might have a poker addiction: your children are named Check and Raise.

>>>>> 

Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.

~~~~~

Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need at first is two hearts and a diamond. But in the end, you wish you had a club and spade.

=====

When I went to a casino, I saw the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number.

When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

++++

A compulsive gambler goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"
The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

>>>> 

My wife thinks I care more about gambling than our kids.

That isn't true at all. I am going to stay in this casino until I win our son's tuition back to prove it.

~~~~

An American won 2000 pounds gambling in Britain.

As he receives his winnings, all he could say was: “That’s a ton of money”

****

Dieting hasn’t worked out for me, so I’m gambling in the UK.

Great way to lose a few pounds.

‘’’’

My wife got mad because I lost $3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

>>>>> 

Husband Comes Home After Gambling

 “Where the fuck have you been?” screamed his wife.

 “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”

“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”

“So can you,” he said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”

--------

Bettor: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 out of 15 in college football, I lost 8 out of 8 in baseball and I lost 6 out of 6 in soccer. I don’t know what I am going to do.
Friend: Well there’s hockey games starting soon.
Bettor: I don’t know anything about hockey.

+++++++++

My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction. I am desperate to win her back.

=====

Nintendo is making a new game about gambling monsters.

It's called Pokermon.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me its easy to win big. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.
I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.
A Greyhound bus.

####

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good reason as to why you weren't gambling, I'll let you go".
The priest is the first to step forward and tells the judge "We weren't gambling because no money had changed hands yet".

The judge decides that this is a good enough answer and lets the man go.

The preacher goes next and says "We weren't because we hadn't even dealt the cards yet". Again the judge lets him go.
With just the rabbi left, the judge says "And finally for you. Can you give me a good reason why you weren't gambling"?

The rabbi gestures around the courtroom, empty except for the two of them and asks "Gambling? With who"?

 

Which reminds me of my final off-topic joke

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priests says, “It begins at conception”. The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation”. The rabbi says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids are accepted into medical school

 

 

Fourth Place JOW #1089

 I enjoyed the Fourth of July festivities this year.  Here are a few interesting factoids about that holiday:

The 4th of July was not declared a national holiday until 1941.

When the United States became a country in 1776, there were approximately 2.5 million people living in the country.

The youngest signer of the Declaration of Independence was 26-year-old Edward Rutledge. The oldest signer was Benjamin Franklin. He was 70. Most of the signers were in their 30s and 40s.

I hope that all of you had a wonderful Fourth and you are amused by my Fourth of July jokes.

###

How was the food at the Fourth of July picnic?
The hot dogs were bad, but the brats were the wurst!

====

What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk? The Star-Spangled Banner.

<<<< 

I never understand why people say that the United States is the most patriotic country in the world

In Russia they manage to get out and vote even after committing suicide!

^^^^^

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China... but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

~~~~~

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

--------

What is red, white, blue, and green?

A seasick Uncle Sam.

“”””

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington? One has a bill on his face, the other, his face on a bill.

^^^^

There's a goose spreading out misinformation!

He's a proper gander

+++++++

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, “Yes sir, but in those days there weren’t very many states.”

******

An American spy is drinking in a Russian bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Russian intel.
All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"
The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russian: "Me? How could you say such a thing? I am one of the proudest, most patriotic Russian citizens! Could a spy do this?"
The spy proceeds to sing the Russian national anthem in a beautiful voice, everyone in the bar claps when the spy is done.
The Russian man responds: "Very good, very good. But you are still a Western spy.
The spy responds: "Oh really? To prove I'm indeed a Russian citizen, I will describe every part of Russia's history!"
The spy proceeds to list off every war, every battle, with impeccable detail, too.
The Russian man tells him: "Impressive, you are clearly very smart. But you are still a Western spy!"
The spy then yells: "That's it! To prove to you once and for all that I am indeed Russian, I challenge YOU to a vodka drinking contest!"
The Russian man agrees, they start drinking and everyone in the bar is cheering for them. After hours of drinking, the Russian man cannot take it anymore, the spy won.
The Russian man, completely drunk now, tells the spy: "Very, very impressive, but you are still a Western spy!"
The spy breaks down, he can't take it anymore: "FINE! I am indeed an American spy! But please, tell me, how could you tell?"
The Russian man looks the spy in the eye and tells him: "You see, here in Russia, we don't have that many Black people."

From Tor

Yesterday I tried donating blood. I'll never do that again.  Too many stupid, intrusive questions, like…

Who's blood is it?

Where did it come from?

Why is it in a bucket?

```````

Three kids ask their mom about their unusual names.

The first kid asks, “Why am I named Kitchen?”

His mom says, Well sweetie, when you were born the car wouldn’t start and we couldn't get to the hospital, so you were born on the kitchen table.
The second kid asks, “Why am I named Ford?”

Her mom says, Well honey, when *you* were born, we got stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital, and you were born in the backseat of the car.
The third kid says,

“That's neat. But mom, why am I the only one with a normal name?”
His mom just says, “I wouldn't worry about it too much, John.”

And finally a story from China

A little boy in Wuhan finds a bottle...

He rubs it and a genie pops out. “I will give you two wishes as a reward for freeing me,” says the genie. The boy thinks for a second and, as he’s very patriotic, decided on his first wish. “I wish everyone in the world knew about Wuhan!” he declares.

“Very well,” says the genie. “And your second wish?”

The boy thinks again and decides he would like something a little more selfish. “I wish that kids wouldn’t have to go back to school for a whole year!”