Happy New JOW #490

It being New Year’s eve, I suppose I should celebrate with some topical humor. I for one am more than willing to see the back of the year 2009. In fact, the entire decade wasn’t all that great. But I hope for the best in the new year, once again allowing optimism to triumph over experience.
New Years humor normal focuses on two topics: New Year’s resolutions and drinking. Not being one to disappoint my readers let me start with some of my own resolutions:

• I intend to start procrastinating more, starting tomorrow.
• I will try to be one with my duality
• I will share my wisdom and advice for there are few sweeter words than “I told you so.”
• Before I criticize another man I will first walk a mile in his shoes. That way if he gets mad at me I have a good head start and he is barefoot.
• I will assume full responsibility for my actions, except for the ones that are someone else’s fault.
• I will let go my feelings of guilt and try to get in touch with my inner sociopath

A quick attempt at a joke
Jane took an afternoon nap on New Year ’s Eve. Upon awakening she told her husband that she had a vivid dream that he had given her a pair of beautiful diamond earrings.
“I wonder what it means?” she asked him.
“Oh, I think you will find out tonight,” he smiled at her.
Sure enough, just before midnight he presented her with a nice New Year’s gift.
A book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”


On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' inquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Finally,

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

Yuletide JOW #489

It has been brought to my attention that it is almost Christmas. I am far from being the most perceptive gift-giver but I have learned a few things about gifts not to give to women, most especially women you either live with or would like to live with. Consider the advice my gift to you. And Merry Christmas to all!

Gifts best not given:
• Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on TV or anything you see in an informercial.
• Do not consider any bulk cleaning supplies as a gift. Imagine lines like: "Honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." If you make this mistake, all I can say is, be prepared to run. Even a $5 Chia Pet is better than this.
• Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you.
• Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift.
• No name perfume that costs $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the toilet.
• Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Men, if you are not gay or a transvestite, you do not have good enough taste to buy a woman clothing she had not specifically selected in advance.
• Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network.
• Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat" in Husband School. If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.)
• Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law

Here are some lines that might come in handy when someone hands you that “Special Gift”
• It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
• Well, well, well...
• I really don't deserve this.
• I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
• If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
• Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
• To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
• Gosh, you shouldn’t have. Really.

Companies used to give things called “Christmas Parties.” In these troubled economic times most businesses are no longer holding them because the expense of these events is starting to cut into the bonuses of senior executives. But if you do go, try not to overindulge.

Here are some helpful tips to let you know you have taken too much Holiday Cheer.

You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

Finally, sometimes Christmas Stress can effect everyone.

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and they were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.
When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"
Just then there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"
And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

Cold Gray Rainy JOW #488

This part of Texas may not get a lot of really cold weather but it still gets nasty this time of year. Rain and low gray clouds can linger for days. I spent Christmas Week, 1991 cooped up with five children aged 12-7; I do not think we were able to go outside for more than 30 minutes for six days. Actually I have fond memories of that Christmas. However, I have not seen the sun in a week now and I am getting pretty darn tired of cold gray days. Since the weather is on my mind, I thought I would feature our climate in the JOW. Enjoy.

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
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The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
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A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?" He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"I don't know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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The U.S. has only three hurricane warning centers - Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently completed). All three have faced Category 4 hurricanes. Which only goes to show: If you build it, they will come!

• Rumor has it that they are going to rename the Miami baseball team the "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
• Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.
• What happens when the fog lifts in California? UCLA.
• How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.
• It's a bit "muggy" in New York today.
• There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
• A postcard home: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

Two tourist arrive in London’s Heathrow Airport in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?"
The other replies, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."

From the Rocky Mountain News, "BEST EXPERIMENT":
"If you are caught without an umbrella when it starts to rain, will you stay drier by running to shelter instead of walking?
Thomas Peterson and Trevor Wallis, of Asheville, N.C., both climatologists, calculated that running made one 44% drier over 100 meters (about 328 feet).
To test their findings, they measured off a 100-meter course and waited for it to rain. They wore identical dry clothing that had been weighed before the test (they wear the same size) and wore plastic bags under their clothes to trap any water that might seep through. Peterson walked the course, while Wallis ran. Afterward, they weighed the clothes again. The result: Wallis' clothes were 40% drier.
Frankly, we'd take a cab."

And finally, here is a repeat from a few years back:
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."
His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?
"To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"

And all the felicitations of the season!

Big Fat JOW #487

I am back from my vacation up in the not so snowy mountains. There was more snow in Houston (!) than in Tahoe during my absence. The scenery was spectacular but visiting old friends was the real fun of it all.
Alas, in one short week I managed to gain five pounds. I shouldn’t let things like that bother me. After all, “a waist is a terrible thing to mind”. It’s just that my mother -in-law has come to visit. Now make no mistake, I like Helen fine, but she likes to cook and I like what she prepares. Last time she visited I gained almost 15 pounds. I am doomed; doomed I tell you. I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me. I would be fine if complaining about gaining weight actually burned off calories.
With all that in mind I thought I would have some thoughts and jokes on diets and size. As they say: diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
• A diet is a weigh of life.
• It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
• The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
• The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
• Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
• The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
• A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
• Many women reduce and reduce, yet still never manage to become a bargain.
• The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.
• Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two... while alone.
• A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
• One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.
• Above all, dieters are advised to avoid Pepsi, "the pause that refleshes."

It all started a long time ago. It is written:
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And Satan brought forth a chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
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Writing of HMO’s, I just got the word on these new drugs under development by female chemists.
• DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
• PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
• CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug were more willing to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
• COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
• BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts.
• NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
• FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
• PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
• LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Politician Strength versions.

And for a final off-beat offering here is a Boudreaux joke:

Down around the Texas-Louisiana border, there has been a recent rash of illegal cock fighting, with quite a bit of gambling. The director of the Louisiana State Police finally bent to public pressure and sent an investigator to get to the bottom of the problem.
The crack investigator, Boudreaux, took an unmarked cruiser and headed for Mamou. He was gone for two days and arrived back in Baton Rouge to report to the director.
He reported that there were three major groups involved in the illegal cock fighting - Texas Aggies, Cajuns and the Mafia.
Of course, the boss wanted to know how he surmised this, and he replied that he figured there were Texas Aggies involved when he saw someone enter a duck into the fight.
He knew that there were Cajuns involved when someone bet on the duck.
He was absolutely positive that the Mafia was involved when the duck won!