Protest JOW #1225

Our current society is all aboil with protest groups advocating for all sorts of rights for many different aggrieved groups who feel their rights have been abrogated.  I am convinced that if there were a zombie apocalypse there would be zombie activists.  So, this week I have some jokes and quips about protests.

 

First there were BLM protesters and now Trump supporters.

Looks like orange is the new black.

 

Protesters in Paris just attacked a fromagerie (cheese shop)

There's nothing left but de brie.

 

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old. 

 

“I’m seeing things Doc!” protested the mental patient.

“Well, I ain’t no optometrist, but I think that’s what’s meant to happen.” Replied the psychologist.

 

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting?

They start painting the M letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting harder?
They paint the M letters upside down on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

 

Following the protests, Iran has announced a controversial move to close outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision.

 

If you hate something you protest about it.

If you love something you anti-test about it.

 

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

 

Eco-activists, as a protest, splashed paint on a famous Jackson Pollock painting.

No one noticed.

 

What do you call a small protest against dumping trash in North Carolina’s capital?

A little Raleigh Litter Rally — literally!

 

My friend Dante was a big PETA booster, but suddenly stoped supporting them.

Dante’s in fur now.

 

A man is protesting in the Red Square in Moscow

He holds up a sign that says, "The President is an idiot".
Within 10 minutes the secret police come to arrest him.
"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."
"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is."

 

A group of deaf people get together to protest.

The group begins chanting
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids!”
When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids!”

 

A group of procrastinators get together to protest.

The group begins chanting
“What do we want?”
“World Peace”
When do we want it?”
“Oh, someday….”

 

Another group was protesting:

“What do we want”

“Time travel”

“When do we want it?”

“It’s irrelevant.”

 

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

 

A couple of friends of mine, one black, one white, were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

 

Some off topic jokes

 

“What’s your name son?” asked the teacher.

“Da da da David, sir.”

“So, you have a stutter?”

“No sir, my dad had a stutter but the guy who filled out my birth certificate was a real jerk.”

 

I saw two dudes wearing matching outfits and eating donuts together.  I told them they were a cute couple.  They threatened to arrest me.

 

It’s about time to pull those steaks off the grill.  My neighbor just went inside, and I don’t think he can see me.

 

If a jalapeno gets a visit from a Carolina Reaper, does he become a Ghost Pepper

 

Scuffle.  Brawl.  Melee.  Altercation.   Them’s fightin’ words.

What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services?

They're bisectual

 

Iris‌‌h daughter‌ left home unexpectedly and did not return for ‌‌five years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r was most upset at her.

“Where have you been all this time‌‌, child‌‌? Why di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Why‌‌didn’t'‌‌ y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understand y‌‌e putt ye‌‌r old Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad.‌. ‌‌I became‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t out ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e Sinner‌‌! You’re ‌‌a disgrace t‌‌o this Catholic family.‌‌"
‌‌"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I only cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o give Mu‌‌m this fu‌‌r coat‌‌, ‌‌. For m‌‌y little brother‌‌, this gold Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r you Daddy‌‌, a ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s.  And I want to invite y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spend Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yacht.‌‌"
‌‌"Wha‌‌t was it ye say y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
‌‌Girl‌‌, crying again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e half t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e said ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌an‌‌d give ye‌‌r old Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

 

I have been writing some dialog lately.  Here is an example.

The tough guy spits mouthful of blood onto the floor.

“You have become more powerful since last we crossed paths, doctor.”

Dentist: “Please stop.  There is a sink right next to you.’

 

Some drink deeply from the well of knowledge.

Others just rinse and spit.

 

 

Irishness JOW #1224

 Sunday was St. Patrick’s Day with all the associated Irish events, most of which involved marching, dancing, singing, and the consumption of alcohol.  I do enjoy Irish humor and it was easy to come up with a bunch of jokes about what can only be called ‘Irishness’. 

 

“An English lawyer sat with his Irish client. ‘Marty’ he sighed, ‘Why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he replies with another question?’

‘Who told you that?’ asked Marty.

 

What’s Irish and sits outside all day and night?

Patty O’Furniture

 

Did you hear about the fella from Mayo that was born with two left feet?

He went out the other day and bought some Flip Flips.

 

Paddy wandered into a doctor’s office and asked, “Do you treat alcoholics”,

The doctor replied, “Of course I do.”

Paddy said, “Great, get your coat on; I’m broke, and I need a drink.”

 

The barman says to Paddy, “Your glass is empty; fancy another one?” Looking puzzled, Paddy says, “Why would I be needed two empty glasses?”

 

Some Irishmen were standing around drinking and talking, and the question arose that ‘if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you like most to be with you?’
“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.
“What’s so special about him?” asks a friend.
“He’s got a boat,” answers Paddy

 

“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the woebegone defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”

“I’m glad to hear you say that” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief, “Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

 

Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?”
“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.” But why are you asking?”
“What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women it made me sleep with?”

~~~

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other, would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

“Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean.

“‘Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle.”

 

Sheamus had long heard of the story of a family tradition. It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk right across the lake to their local pub on their 18th birthday for their first legal drink. So, when Sheamus’ 18th birthday arrived he stepped confidently out onto the lake but he immediately sank and nearly drowned.

Furious and confused, he went to see his grandmother and said, “Gran ’tis my 18th birthday. So why can’t I walk across the water on the lake, like my father, my grandfather, and his father before him?”

Grandma looked deep into Sean’s troubled eyes and said, “Because they were all born in January, and the lake was frozen over; you were born in August.”

 

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a Guinness before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another before it starts.”

She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another; it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore …”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started …”

 

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters, and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars, and fine chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments. He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think it’s been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

 

And finally:

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “Please give us some wisdom before you leave us.”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

 

 

Angelic JOW #1223

 I know that I have been very fortunate in my life; it's almost like I had a guardian angel looking out for me.  I can just imagine my guardian angel talking to the other angels: “Look what moron did this time!   His last guardian angel ended up in rehab.  I’m gonna lose my job and wind up in hell.” 

So here are a few jokes roughly themed about angels.   

 

Did you hear about the man who was once visited by an angel but only described the measurements of a triangle to him?
He said, “It felt like a sine from God.”

 

What does an angel say at a pastry shop?
“Donut be afraid.”

 

What do you call a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you are wrong. The answer is “Nun of the above.”

 

What’s a fountain after an angel is removed?
A sans seraph font.

 

Angel: ‘Hey, Jesus! Some atheists are waiting for you at the gates of heaven!’
Jesus: ‘Tell them I’m not here.’

 

Have you heard about the Angel of Death that’s not so intelligent?
The Dim Reaper.

 

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says, “Your time has come.”
The lawyer starts crying and wailing, “But I’m only forty.”
Angel of death says, “Not according to your billable hours.”

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harold.
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!

 

Some women are like angels.
Even if they lose their wings, they still manage to fly.
Just on a broom.

 

Did you hear about the guy whose wife is an angel?
All his friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

 

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “What are you going to do now?”
God said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

 

An angel walks into a hardware store and says, “I’d like to buy a Christmas tree.”
The cashier asks, “Are you putting it up yourself?”
The angel replies, “Yes.”

 

God was creating all the countries, and it was Canada's turn.

He turned to his angels and said, "This country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world."
The angels ask God, "Aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "Wait till you see who their neighbor is."

 

God was talking to one of his angels:

God: how many animals do we have left?
Angel: Just two
God: and how many legs do we have left?
Angel: 100
Centipede: DIBS!
Snake: Damn it!

 

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.
Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.
The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.
The joyous parade of angels carries the bus driver in ahead of the Priest.
When the parade is gone, an angel returns to the Priest and says, "You can come enter now.” The angel begins to lead the Priest inside alone.
The Priest, somewhat confused, says "I'm not one to make waves or anything, but I need to know something. I think I've been a good Priest. I've worked hard and served the Lord all my life. Why is it that the bus driver gets led in by a band of angels ahead of me?"
The angel says "Well, frankly, whenever you preached, people slept. But whenever he drove, people prayed".

 

A few non-angelic jokes

It’s that damn daylight savings time again.  Do workers at Stone Henge have to move all the stones forward one hour?

 

The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words.

 

In Texas there are farms who breed deer to have bigger antlers.  There are reputedly also farms that are breeding deer to be faster, but they are just looking for a quick buck.

 

Do you know what a wok is?

A wok is what you throw at a wabbit when you don’t have a wifle. 

 

Albert Einstein was a nice guy, but his brother Frank was a real monster. 

Bat Boy

 

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” -  Alec Baldwin

 

And a final guardian angel joke.

A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell "STOP!!!" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard.
A day or two after that, he was driving to work. Despite the music in the car, he heard the same voice yell even louder "STOP!!!" He screeched on the brakes. A huge truck breezed through a red light past the front of his car.
He couldn't have heard the same woman's voice in his car so acknowledging a divine intervention he went to the church to seek answers.
An angel manifested from one of the frescoes.
"Who are you?" asked the man.
"I am your guardian angel, It is my duty to protect you from harm's way. Since your birth it is me who has been intervening on your behalf against all peril" the angel replied. Then seeing the dumbfounded look on his face said, "I imagine you have some questions for me."
"You bet I do," the man said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

 

 

 

Fast JOW #1222

 We are in the season of Lent.  For those who are not Christians, Lent is the 40-day season leading up to Easter.  Traditionally, we are encouraged to fast during Lent; to give up something like sweets, eating meat on Friday, cigarettes (in an earlier time), or perhaps even abandoning hard spirits (sigh).  Lent is when I determine which addictions I still have some control over.   Here are a few Lenten-related bits of humor.

 

For Lent this year, I’m just giving up.

 

I gave up procrastination for Lent this year.

Well.. I’m working on it…

 

I decided to give up complaining for Lent.

It sucks.

 

I’ve given up picking my belly button for lint.

 

I was going to give up lunch meat for Lent…

But I just couldn’t quit cold turkey.

 

I’m giving up being pessimistic for Lent.

We’ll see how long that lasts.

 

I’m giving up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excel Lent.

 

Why can't muggers catch Catholics during Lent?

They fast.

 

Lent was invented so that Catholics could take another shot at their New Year’s resolutions.

 

What’s Rick Astley giving up for Lent?
Not you.   (okay a hint on this one.  Remember the song ‘Never gonna give you up”?

 

What does the Pope eat during Lent?

Holy mackerel

 

There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.

We’ll call it “Lent”.

 

A Catholic priest spied a parishioner enjoying some tasty smoked sausage on Friday during Lent – once a strict no-no in the church.

The priest, being a pragmatic soul, told the man for his penance for eating meat on Friday was to bring a load of lumber to the church to help repair the roof.

The man grumbled but went off to do his penance.

He arrived at the church on the next Friday and proceeded to dump a load of sawdust into the parking lot.

“What’s this?” the priest wanted to know. “I told you your penance was a load of lumber, not sawdust.”

The man replied coolly, “Well, if that sausage I ate was meat, then this sawdust is lumber.”

++++

A man went to confessional with some horrifying news.  “Father, I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be even more evil.  I don't know what she charges him for it though.”

=====

Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest, for I have synonymed

++++

During Lent, a devout parishioner wanders through heavy rain past hamburger huts and steak places into Mount Angel’s monastery and asks for shelter. He arrived just in time for dinner and received the finest fish and chips he’s ever tasted.
He walks into the kitchen after supper to thank the chefs. “Hi, my name is Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis,” he is greeted by two brothers.
“I’m delighted to meet you. I just wanted to say thank you for the delicious dinner. I had the finest fish and chips I’d ever had. Who cooked what, just out of curiosity?”
Brother Michael replies, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
The man turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be . . .”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk.”

 

A man walked into a bar and order a drink for himself and the empty seat next to him.

The bartender, perplexed as to why the man would order a drink for an empty chair, made two drinks for the man and the empty chair.
This seemed to happen every time the man entered the bar. He would order a drink for himself and an empty chair next to him.
Finally, curiosity overtook the barman, who asked the customer “every time I see you come in here, you always order a drink for the empty chair next to you. Why do you do that?”
The man replied “well, you see, I am a physicist, and quantum physics states that it is possible for the matter above the chair to spontaneously form into a beautiful woman, whom I hope to give this drink to and go out on a date”.
The bartender asks “Well, plenty of women come to drink here every night, why don’t you buy one of them a drink? Maybe one of them will go out on a date with you.”
To which the physicist replies “Yeah, but what are the chances of that happening?

 

And finally, here is a little amusing story by none other than W. Somerset Maugham:

There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions. In a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said,

“Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a man in the crowd and when I turned, I saw it was Death that jostled me. He looked at me and made a threatening gesture.  Now, lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate. I will go to Samarra and there, Death will not find me.”
The merchant lent him his horse, and the servant mounted it, and he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop, he went. Then the merchant went down to the marketplace, and he saw Death standing in the crowd. 

The merchant came to him and said, “Why did you make a threating gesture to my servant when you saw him this morning?”

“That was not a threatening gesture,” Death said, “it was only a start of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Bagdad, for I have an appointment with him tonight in Samarra." -