Healthy Nut JOW #789

I regret they my JOWs this week are late.  I was under the weather a bit followed by the traditional Thanksgiving activities which has me off schedule.  I am very fortunate that I have been unusually healthy; and make no mistake I am grateful for that.   I did learn to never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. But my little illness got me thinking about good health in general and the lengths some people will go to achieve it.  Think of all those health nuts in the hospital– dying of nothing in particular.  Older readers will remember the late Adele Davis who wrote a series of books such as “Let’s Eat Right and Stay Healthy”  She died abruptly at 70, which was a bad career move.  Most of us are not exactly obsessed with a healthy lifestyle.  We have all seen the overweight diabetic scarfing down a jelly donut or the smoker turning off his oxygen tank so he can have another cigarette. Their view is that it is their body and in a free society they have a right to abuse it any way they want.  Their view is that life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

On the other end of the spectrum are the folks like militant Vegans.  Vegan get their name from the Latin term ‘vega’ which means smug and self-righteous.  How do you find a vegan at a dinner party?  Don’t worry, they’ll let you know.

Vegans do tend to take themselves and their lifestyle very seriously which of course makes them prime targets for barbs. 

Such as the posting on a typical college post board for “Vegan Support Group” with a picture of healthy veggies.  Right next it was a posting with a picture of a T-Rex and the heading “Carnivore? Chances are you don’t need a wimpy support group.”

Although there are lots of polite vegans who just want to eat what they want to eat (see comment about jelly donuts above) there are too many who will tell you something like “”Oh, no , I am not fussy at all.  I’ll eat anything; as long as it is gluten-free, dairy-free, low-carb, low-fat, low-calorie, sugar-free, unprocessed, fair trade, raw and organic.”

A lot of my friends are health conscious which is a good thing – I hope to have a lot of mourners at my funeral.  Actually I do try to take of myself but that does not mean I am above making fun of those who also work at staying fit. I heard a woman at the gym say you have to work like a horse and sweat like a pig to look like a fox.  But you have to be careful – vigorously exercising for just 15 minutes a day raises your risk of posting insipid inspirational quotes on Facebook by 40%.

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I used to live in St. Petersburg, Florida (city of the newly wed and the nearly dead).  The local paper would often do articles on the elderly.  One old gent was coming up on this hundredth birthday and was asked about his lifestyle. 

“Well, you could say I am a health nut,” he replied.  I have never smoked or drunk alcohol.  I am in bed by 10 and I walk three miles a day.”

“But I understand yourbrother had the same habits and he died at 70.  So how come this regime did not work for him?” asked the reporter.

“All I can say is he didn’t keep it up long enough.”

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For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

It's a sign JOW #788

I thought to have some nuptial-related jokes this week in honor of the marriage this weekend of youngest son Ivan but since we just did some of those last month I thought I would save some of my material for the wedding.  I saw a few signs which pointed my warped sense of humor in that direction.  People can be very daring, and very funny with signs.  Here are a few of my favorites along with a few actual jokes.

            In a machine shop – “Warning.  This machine eats stupid people.” & the next one:     “There    is  a good chance an accident brought you into this world. Don’t let one take you out.”

·         Custom Dental - "Best cavity search in town."

·         Outside a bar - "Technically speaking alcohol is a solution."

·         Also outside a bar - “No Free Wifi. Talk to Each Other and Get Drunk.”

·         Beside a lingerie shop - "Condoms aren't totally safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."

·         At a jewelry store "Sometimes it's ok to throw rocks at girls.”

·         A rehab clinic - "I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around."

·         Chinese restaurant - "All you can eat buffet. Not mean all day buffet. You no come stay 4 hour. You eat - you go home."

·         Rita's Ice Cream - "I scream. You scream. The police come. It's awkward" 

·         Outside a snowy Dollar Store – “The boss told me to change the stupid sign.  So I did.”

·         "This ladder is really unstab"

·         At the tramway – “Touching wires causes instant death.  $200 fine.

·         At the shore – “Not responsible if seagulls eat your funnel cake.”

·         “Attention: This fence is coated with non-drying paint.

·         At an African resort - “Do not feed the elephants.  It creates management problems.”

·         At the zoo – “Please do not stand, sit, climb, or lean on fences.  If you fall the animals could eat you and that might make them sick.  Thank you.”

·         Outside a Subway – “Lettuce Meat Olive Your Eggspectations”

·         Ray’s Auto service also serves coffee which led to this sign – “It’s back.  Pumpkin spice oil change!”

·         On a chalkboard outside a restaurant - “No Hipsters. Don’t be coming in here with your hairy faces, your vegan diets, your tiny feet and your sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. No Hamsters.”

·         A most honest and detailed warning sign.

·         “Please do not enter the dangerous area beyond this gate! You quite possibly will get hurt, then you will sue, then a protracted court battle will ensue exhausting your financial resources and you will lose because this sign that warned you will be Exhibit 1.”

·         Santa Fe High School – “School Resumes Aug 20. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Educated.”

·         Wise Guys Haircuts -“If We Can’t Make You Look Good, You’re really Ugly”

·         At a convenience store - “No Checks – Czechs Welcome”

·         On a wine truck – “In Case of Accident – Bring cheese and crackers; Lots and Lots of cheese and crackers.”

·         A good citizen posted a notice on a vending machine stating: “Warning - This machine takes your money and gives you nothing in return.”  Someone then added “Just like my ex”

·         “Push to open. If that does not work pull. If both do not work, try the actual entrance around the corner.”

·         At a Day’s Inn - “We Remember All Who Have Served Hot Breakfast”

·         Furniture store - “Buy Bed. Free 1 Night Stand” - Wait, is that 1 free nightstand or free 1 night stand? Cause there’s a difference…

·         At an amusement park -“This ride is not suitable for any person who is: pregnant, epileptic, has a heart condition or any person liable to pee themselves.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

“Respect Your Parents – They Passed School Without Google.”  Or Wikipedia for that matter

And, still bleeding from completing my latest book, is this one:

“Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.” Which is true, but at least it defeats the Grammar Nazis.

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These are from upon advice of counsel.  (Tom)

An old wizened man, let’s call him Pat, pulled up to a gas station.  On the seat next to him was a six pack of fine beer.

A beautiful young woman, seeing this sauntered over and with a little smile spoke to Pat.  “Say, do you believe in the barter system?”

Pat said he did.

“So, mister what to say trading beer for sex?”

“Well that depends,” replied Pat, “what kind of beer do you have?”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The only way to for a couple to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" 

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. 

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."