Pumpkin Spice JOW #1204

 Autumn has finally come to east Texas.  It is a season of allergies, cool weather, and pumpkin spice  Why pumpkin spice?  I have no idea, but it’s Pumpkin Spice Everything.  “You heard it here folks, it’s back, free pumpkin spiced oil changes with every tire change!”  Fall, pumpkins, and pumpkin spice are themes for my JOWs this week.

How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?

Apply the pumpkin patch.

 

IPAs are just pumpkin spiced lattes for white men

 

What grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with vodka?

A sorority.

 

Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step? Try dropping it on the floor. It really gives it that fall flavor.

 

Q: What do you give to a pumpkin trying to quit smoking?

A: A pumpkin patch.

 

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

Squash.

 

What's a pumpkin's favorite genre?

Pulp fiction.

A couple of Tom Swifties

“Pumpkin spice is the flavor of the season,” Tom said zestfully.

“This pumpkin spice donut is delicious,” Tom exclaimed hungrily.

 

Some Autumn jokes

I always start running in the fall.  Not all of me.  Just my nose.

 

A man owned four tents which he used for camping.  He uses all four at different times of the year, and each one is based on one of four different musical genres.  In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent.  And of course, the winter of our disco tent.

 

I usually say 'Autumn' instead of 'Fall'.

Sometimes it can be my downautumn.

 

Did you know that when leaves fall off of trees in the Autumn, it's because of nostalgia?

They're trying to get back to their roots.

 

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"
The husband replies, "Autumn."

 

A herd of zebras are grazing peacefully. They begin to suspect that lions are waiting to ambush them in a nearby meadow. One of the zebras however thinks he knows everything and confidently declares that there can’t be lions because lions don’t move into that area until the autumn and so haven’t arrived yet.
The other zebras are skeptical, so not wanting to be seen as wrong the arrogant know it all offers to prove it. He trots into the suspect meadow and is promptly devoured by the family of lions he insisted weren’t there.
One of the other zebras shrugs and says “everyone knows the pride comes before the fall.”

 

There were four henchmen: Winter, Summer, Spring, and Autumn.

The boss stood before them.
"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay cool in the face of pressure. Ice in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.
"Then there's you, Summer," he continued. "If the heat becomes too much for Winter, use that hot temper of yours to make sure the cops remember who they're working for.
"As for you, Spring," he chuckled, "this operation is gonna bring in a lotta green. Make sure that it keeps growing."
He turned for the door as Autumn stood up.
"Boss!" he sputtered. "What about me?"
The boss turned back, shaking his head.
"Sorry, son. You're just the Fall guy."

 

Some Fall-safe jokes.

If two meth heads start a relationship is that speed dating or just ‘mething around’?

 

Remember Elvira?  She was just a goth Dolly Pardon

 

Greenhouse gases are creating global warming.  So blow up a greenhouse today.

 

Collie: “What do you mean I’m too controlling?”

Sheep: “You herd me.”

 

A lady went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot, offered for sale for only $50. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

“New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”

 

Here is an exercise for people who are out of shape: Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

And finally, a seasonal joke to end it.

After a brutal late Autumn wind storm, I noticed that my young Elm tree had finally lost all of its leaves in preparation for the cold snowy winter ahead. I smiled to my self-realizing how nature helps all creatures prepare for the coming seasonal changes. But then my gaze was drawn to a red shotgun shell which had lodged near the top of the tree. I don't know if it was ejected there, or carried by a bird but you can imagine my surprise at seeing...

A cartridge in a bare tree.

 

 

 

Spooky JOW #1203

The Holidays are upon us, all at once.  I guess this means we should put up our Christmas trees while eating turkey dressed in our Halloween costumes.  It is closest to Halloween and so I guess that means I should have some jokes about Halloween.

 

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in celebrating Halloween.  I guess they don’t want random people coming up to their doors.

 

I was in an IKEA store recently trying to pronounce some of the names, and inadvertently summoned Cthulhu.  (With a nod to H.P. Lovecraft)

 

Halloween is the only day of the year when it’s OK to ask, “What are you?”

 

On a tombstone:  Here lies Clair Voyant.  She never saw it coming.

 

Sometimes I dress scary for kids who come to the door.  Sometimes I even do it on Halloween.

 

Some stupid (is there any other kind?) Knock Knock jokes.

 

Knock, Knock! 
Who’s there? Orange. 
Orange who? 

Orange you glad it’s Halloween.

 

Knock Knock. 
Who’s there? 
Boo! 
Boo who? 

Don’t cry, it’s only Halloween.

 

Knock, Knock! 
Who’s there? Witch.
Witch who? 

Witch one of you has the candy?

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe give me some candy?

 

• You know it’s bad luck to be followed by a black cat… if you are a mouse.

 

• 1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.
• 2022: Dracula dies of starvation.

 

Q: What is Dracula’s porn star name?
A: Vlad the Impaler

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a pumpkin spice beer.

"Have you decided on a Halloween costume yet?" the bartender asks.

"Not yet. I was going to go as a band aid, but I decided against it," the guy replies. "It's really hard to pull off."

 

A few skeleton jokes:

 

Q: Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
A: They have no body to love.

---

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.

 

Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?

A: Because they have no body to go with.

 

Q: What did the skeleton bring to the dinner party?

A: Spare-ribs.

 

Q: Why wouldn’t the skeleton cross the road?

A: No guts

 

Q: Why do skeletons make good comedians?
A: They are two humerus.

 

A skeleton walked into a bar and said, “I’ll have a beer.  And a mop.”

 

Q: I heard there is a skeleton in your closet?!
A: No, the body hasn’t decomposed yet.

 

And some topical riddles.

 

Q: Where do deviled eggs come from?
A: Evil hens.

 

Q: Why did the monster go inside the bar?
A: For the boos.

 

Q: What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
A: He got repossessed.

 

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.
When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.
"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.
Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.
He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence.
"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

And finally

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)
He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night under this tree if he didn’t find a ride.
Just as things were looking grim, he catches a light moving slowly towards him. He’s saved!
Desperate for a ride, he jumps into the vehicle once it stops for him. Once in, he turned to the driver seat to say thanks, and only then did he realize then moving car had no driver. The rain was so heavy, he couldn’t even hear the sound of the engine as the car slowly continued its journey.
The lad was too scared to move, too afraid to jump out of the car and run. Seeing the car was coming to a sharp bend that led down to dark water, he began to pray for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, where he would surely drown!
Right before the car made it to the bend, a shadowy hand reached in through the driver side window and turned the wheel, guiding the car around the bend, thus avoiding a wet demise for the lad. Just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.
Paralyzed with fear, the lad watched the hand reappear every time they reached a bend. Finally, scared to near death, he’d had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran towards the first town he could find.
Wet and in shock, he went into the nearest bar and told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped the room and everybody got goosebumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth about the strange car and the ghostly hand that guided it on its way.
Just then, two men walked into the bar. They were dripping wet and as they took off their rain gear, they looked around the room. Their eyes came to rest on the hitchhiker. They pointed at him ominously, and he feared they were ghosts come to get him.
“Look!” said one of the men, “There’s the idiot who jumped into our car when we were pushing it in the rain.”

 

Sporting Life JOW #1202

 It is that magical time of the year when all four of the major professional sports (five if you count college football, which is pretty much professional now) are playing.  And I now have a chance to sit at home and watch post season baseball.  Just like the Yankees and the Mets.  So during this busy sports time I thought to share jokes about sports in general.

~~~~~

An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.” 

“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?” 

“The Oakland A’s,” shouts the man. 

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

 

During the World Cup in Brazil, the England team visited an orphanage. “It was heart-breaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said João, age 6.

 

Why don’t the Rockets have a website?

They can’t string together three Ws.

 

What does a Timberwolves fan do after they win the finals?
Turn off his PlayStation and go to bed.

 

Where do football players go when they need new uniforms?

New Jersey.

 

Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer?

They watch cricket, instead.

 

Putin scored eight goals in the exhibition hocky game due to his being an excellent slap shot.

If you don’t let him score, he slaps and then shoots you.

 

A gymnast walks into a bar... so the judges deducted five points.

 

Why do hipsters love field hockey?
Because it’s ice hockey before it gets cool.

 

I've decided to participate in a competition of stair climbing. I guess I'll definitely have to step up my game.

 

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.

 

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

 

Baseball statistics are like a girl in a bikini—they show a lot, but not everything.

 

You want proof baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field? 

 

Why does everybody sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when they’re already there?

 

Have you heard the one about the bad pole-vaulter? It never goes over very well.

 

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.

 

Bacon was definitely the first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce or tomato.

 

The rules of baseball and the plot of The Godfather are the two most complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is. 

 

Two men was playing chess when one said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So they stopped playing chess.

 

I already regret my choice of Juilliard to win the NCAA basketball tournament.

 

A woman was sprawled on the living-room couch watching her favorite show on the Food Network when her husband walked in.
"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."
Glaring back at him, she asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

 

When the patient was wheeled into the emergency room, the doctor could tell he was out of it. He asked if he knew the date. The patient didn’t.
Then the doctor asked "Do you know what season it is?"
He thought a moment. "Baseball?"

 

A big-time sports fan was watching a football game with his grandchildren. He had just turned 73 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to his grandson, Nolan, "It’s not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."

"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nolan said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."

 

The high school had lots of spirit, but that didn't help the football team, who had yet to win a game. So when the principal saw some cheerleaders sitting in the stands, he asked, "Don't you think you girls should be down there cheering for your team?"
"I think," one of them said, "we would be better down there playing for our team."

 

Two old friends settled down to watch the Notre Dame Michigan football game on TV.

“Which team to you want to win?” asked one man.

“Well as a Catholic, I'm partial to Notre Dame football. As a former Michigan resident, though, I also keep tabs on Michigan college teams.”

"So, who do you want to win?" the friend repeated.

"Gee, I don't know," he replied. "I'm kind of torn between Church and State."

 

About to have a blood test, the man nervously waited while the nurse tightened a tourniquet around my arm. "I understand you're from Oklahoma," she said. "Are you a Sooners fan?"
"Absolutely!" He replied.
"Well," she continued as she raised the needle, "this may hurt a little. I'm from Nebraska."

 

During a game being played by a high school's football team one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move.
The coach grabbed the first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."

 

Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.
Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever."
I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago."

 

It was the first day of basketball practice in high school, the coach handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game."
The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.

Gendered JOW #1201

 There was no joke of the week last week.  I was cruising on the Danube and did not care to write one.  But I am back to the grindstone this week.  I have noticed that there has been a lot of noise about pronouns lately.  You may be aware that I love grammar and word play in general.  Although I'm still learning all about pronouns.  But that is neither here nor there. 

All this neopronouns stuff is cool and all...I just can’t find a guide on how to pronouns them.

As far as I can tell, a pronoun is just a noun that gets paid for what an amateur noun would do for free.  I offer you some jokes this week based on the loaded subject of pronouns.

 

Wife, to the therapist: “He always misunderstands simple questions, taking them literally.”
Therapist, to husband: “What does she mean?”
Husband: “It’s a feminine pronoun.”

 

Teacher: Today you’ll give an example of a pronoun each and you form a sentence with it.
John: Her.
Teacher: Ok, your sentence?
Dave: Give her her book. It’s hers.
Teacher: That’s good.  Dave, you’re next.
Dave: Him.
Teacher: Your Sentence?
Dave: Give him him book. It’s hims.

 

When Little Johnny was a kid his English teacher looked his way and said, “Name two pronouns.”
He said, “Who, me?”

 

What is a pronoun?

Yes. It can also be an adverb.

 

Is there more than one singular first-person objective pronoun?
Or is it just me?

 

My wife and I was arguing about which personal pronoun was the best.

I won.

 

How is a girlfriend like a pronoun?

Your's is possessive

 

I do not always use pronouns, but when I do, it’s because I do not know that person's name.

 

If I had a dollar for each one of all these genders I’d have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.

 

What pronouns does a giant prefer?
Fee, fo, fi, and fum.

 

What are the pronouns of someone who identity thief?
The pronouns are you/yours.

 

How is a girlfriend like a pronoun?
Your’s is possessive.

 

What are a donkey's pronouns? He/haw

 

I identify as boring; my preferred pronouns are ho/hum

 

My preferred pronoun is letter. I was born female, but I identify as mail.

 

My mailman got gender reassignment surgery.  Now he’s a postman.

 

What were Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
He / Hee.

 

What pronouns does a Chicagoan use to identify as non binary?
Dey or dem.

 

What are the preferred pronouns in Alabama?
He/Haw.

 

What do you call a non binary fascist?
A Not-she.

 

What do you call it when a non binary guitar renter gets into a car crash?
A gender bender fender lender fender bender.

 

What did the non binary prospector say before heading into the mountains?
There’s gold in them/their hills.

 

What do you say to comfort your sad non binary friend?
Their/their

 

I identify as a chocolate bar; my pronouns are her/she

 

What does a non binary person do on the toilet?
They/She/It.

 

I identify as a chocolate bar; my pronouns are her/she

 

I am coming out as binary; my pronouns are 00110101 and 10100110

 

What are Schrodinger’s cat’s pronouns?
Is/isn’t.

 

“Dude!”

“Hey, I am not your dude; I want to go by bro!”

“Wow! You have preferred bronouns?”

 

Enough pronoun stuff, here are some related gender jokes

 

You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping in the water.  If it sinks: girl ant.  If it floats, it’s buoyant.

 

Why are gender equality officers usually women?  Because it’s cheaper.

 

I like my women like I like my coffee.  I have a deep respect for coffee and would never discriminate against coffee based on its gender.

 

Some inanimate things have a gender.

·         Ziploc bags are male because they hold everything in and you can see right through them

·         Copiers are female because if they are turned off it takes a while to warm them up again.  While an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed.

·         Tires are male because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

·         A hot air balloon is male because to get anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there is the hot air part.

·         Sponges are female because they are soft, squeezable, and they retain water

·         Subways are male because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

·         Web pages are female because they are always getting hit on.

·         A hammer is male because it hasn’t changed much in over the years but they are sometimes handy to have around.

·         A remote control is female, not a male.  Consider: it give man pleasure, he’d be lost without I, and even though he doesn’t know which button to push he keeps on trying.

 

------

To impress his date, Randy, a young man, took her to a very posh Italian restaurant in Greenwich Village.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. 'We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,' he said.

'Sorry, sir,' said the waiter. 'That's the owner.'

 

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports because they've already forgotten what happened.

I married my wife for her looks.  Just not the ones I’ve been getting lately.

 

My wife suggested that a good book for me to read to enhance our relationship. The title is, "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."

 

A Husband and Wife at Custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex wife: "I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?"