Odds and ends JOW #917

I watched the NBA finals with a group of friends.  At one point the Rockets missed an NBA record 27 consecutive three point shots.  One of the PhD’s in the group calculated that, using the percentage of made three pointers the Rockets made during the season the odds of them missing that many consecutive three point attempts was 118,000 to 1.  Ah, the benefits of a higher education.  It still did not make me feel any better; it was still the end for my team.

Here are some random jokes, insights, and bon mots for your entertainment.

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Today was Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg's birthday. I don't really care, I just wanted to give away some of his personal information.  -- Seth Meyers

North Korea's Kim Jung Un threatened to sabotage the Trump summit if everyone's requiring him to give up his nukes. The dictator is wary of any deal with any Americans. Three years ago, Kim Jung Un executed the first two generals who told him that Dennis Rodman was not President Obama. -- Argus Hamilton

From the Bali Man:

A 70-year-old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices his staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition". Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:

"Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)

Three from Dick

·         What costs millions of dollars but is worthless?  Second place in an election.

·         How do you measure grass?  With a yardstick.

·         Did you hear about the snail who got rid of his shell?  He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. 

·         The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 Here are a few thoughts from Bill

·Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

·If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

 ·Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

 ·Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

 ·Maybe so-called healthy living is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

 ·Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

 ·The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

 ·Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

 ·100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

·The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 all died before he did.

 ·If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

·If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

 ·If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)

 ·100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new suit, new shoes and a night on the town.  The Twenty Dollar gold piece will still do that!

Finally a lawyer joke.  Remember that 99% of all lawyers give all the rest a bad name.

A charity worker realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.   So he paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.  The United Way guy opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through our charity?'  

 The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'  

 Embarrassed, the charity rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'  

 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?  

 The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.  

 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'  

 The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'  

 And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Purloined JOW #916

I know a lot of jokes and often am able to recall one that is related to a topic at hand.  I have been asked how I do it.  Let’s just say it is a very strange place inside my head.  That said, I do have trouble coming up with jokes every week unless I can come up with a decent theme.  Lacking that I rely on the kindness of my readers who send me humorous bits.  This week’s JOW are mostly purloined from those kind inputs.  I hope you enjoy them.

Pat sends me some good stuff.  This is not from him, but it could be him.

She's single... She lives right across the street, and Pat can see her place from his kitchen window!
He watched as she got home from work this evening.  He was surprised when she walked across the street, up the driveway and knocked on the door!
He opened the door, she looked at him and said: "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe....you know, have some fun.  Are you doing anything tonight?"
Pat quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great!" she said, "Can you look after my dog?"
Being a senior citizen has its challenges.

Bill is a good source of humor. Err… that is he sends me some good bits such as these quotes:

"Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other."
~Oscar Am ringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
"I offered my opponents a deal: if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them."
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.
"A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country."
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
"I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians."
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks."
~Doug Larson
"We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office."
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author 
"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river."
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  I'm beginning to believe it."
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
"Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel they go out and buy some more tunnel."

Dick is also a rich source of material.  Here are some ironic thoughts he provided

·         I bet I could quit gambling

·         I never apologize; I ‘m sorry, that’s just the way I am.

·         What if there were no hypothetical situations?

·         It's not my fault I don't take responsibility for my actions.

·         As I said before, I'll only say this once.

·         This statement is false.

·         Don't you hate rhetorical questions?

·         God, I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!

·         The creation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

·         I can resist everything except temptation.

·         I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

·         Never believe generalizations.

·         Avoid alliterations always.

·         I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

·         Thank God I'm an atheist.

·         Just say NO to negativity. 

Here are some more:

·         There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.

·         The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

·         I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with ’Guess’ on it.  I said, ‘Left Tackle?’

·         I don't do drugs anymore.  I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

·         I don't like political jokes.  I've seen too many get elected. 

·         The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

·         If life deals you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.

·         Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

·         Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

·         Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

·         Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

·         Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

·         I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.  If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

And finally an old joke on a different subject.

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
      She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
      "NO!" the children answered.
      "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
      Again, the answer was, "NO!"
      Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
      Again, they all answered, "NO!"
      She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
      A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Post-Mothers Day JOW #915

My JOW this week is mom-themed.  I know it is late but I tend to tell jokes based on what is tickling my fancy right then and there is a lag; thus my jokes are often a bit late.  If you need to check any of my previous Jokes of the Week, you can find the last ten years supply at http://thospinneyjow.blogspot.com/.  I also have a blog with a collection of short, illustrated articles of my recent adventures at https://tomstravelogues.blog/

So here are a few post- Mother’s Day but mom-related jokes

You know you're a mom when picking up another human to smell their butt is not only normal but totally necessary.

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 “It is never easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”

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  “People who say they sleep like a baby don’t have one.”

…………………….

Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life

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Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

A mother’s sacrifice isn’t giving birth. It’s nine months without wine.

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

*******

There’s a debate about when a fetus is considered a real person. For Jewish mothers, it’s not until the child enters medical school.

“God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.” - A Jewish Proverb

~~~~~

“Mom, why did the chicken cross the road?”

“I don’t know ask your dad.”

^^^^^^^^^^

“Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?”

“I don’t know.  Ask your grandmother.”

_____________

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

Some children are just ungrateful

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother’s Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

“As a surprise for Mother’s Day,” one explained, “We decided to cook our own breakfast.”

And on a related note

The millennial shouted to his mom on Mother’s Day, “How does breakfast in bed sound?”
She replied, “Oh that sounds lovely!
“Great, I’ll have bacon and eggs.”

===============

I asked mom what she wanted for Mother’s Day.
She said, “A bit of care and comfort”
So I put her in a nursing home.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day but the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

And in a non-Mom vein

Sandy called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m.

Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"

"That's fine," Sandy said.

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

#######

When a woman became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years of marriage are the hardest," she said. 
"How long have you been married?" the young woman asked. 
"Ten years," she replied. 

^^^^^^^^

Marriage is like a fairy tale only in reverse.  You start out at the ball in a beautiful gown and end up spending all day cleaning up after little people.

…………………….

"What is that sound?" a woman visiting our nature center asked. 
"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other." 
The woman nodded sympathetically. "The trill is gone." 

Bill provided these Caustic comments:

For those paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains and under the bed for murderers – what’s your plan if you find one?

I’ve got to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’  Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you

Anyone who says ‘there is no such thing as a stupid question’ has never worked in Customer Service.

If I am ever on life support, unplug me.  Then plug me in again and see if that works.

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It was a crazy day in the pediatric clinic.   A harried nurse handed a young patient a urine sample container and told him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to the nurse's station with an empty cup. 
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

Aphorisms JOW #914

 My old friend Dick sent me a few aphorisms; that opened the floodgates for this week’s JOW.  I have included a few leftover bits and an odd joke inspired by the recent golf tournament we had here.  I have to admit, it was kinda cool to be right next to the green and see Jack Nicholas sink a 40 foot birdie putt.

I hope you enjoy these little tidbits-

·         It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

·         You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

·         We have enough "youth" –h ow about a fountain of "smart"?

·         The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

·         A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party

·         Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

·         Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

·         Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

·         "I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

·         I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Shouldn't that be an even number?

·         When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

·         I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

·         Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

·         I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

·         Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

·         My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. I’ll get him for saying that!

·         I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

·         I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

·         Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

·         Of course, those who think that money can’t buy happiness are probably shopping at the wrong stores.

·         A man who leaps to the first answer is jumping to a conclusion.

·         I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you dislike? 

·         It does not matter what temperature the room is, it is always room temperature.

·         Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. 

·         You’re never too old to learn something stupid

·         Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

·         Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

·         It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

I had a few church jokes left over from last week:

A young woman entered the confessional with a big smile on her face. 

 “Oh, father,” she gushed, “I went home with Bobby McGuire last night.  We made love over and over.  I know it was wrong – but it was also fantastic.  What is my penance?”

“Well first you lady, I want you to wash your mouth out with lemon juice.”

“Is that my penance?” she asked confused.

“No, but it will get that silly grin off your face.”

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Going over our church finances I found a receipt from a local paint store signed by someone named Christian. I wasn't aware of anyone buying paint, so I called the store to point out its mistake. 

"I'm sorry," I told the manager, "but there are no Christians here at First Baptist Church."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

And finally

The oligarch had been away on his yacht for a month, enjoying his money when he received a call:

“Hello, Señor Ralph? This is Alfredo, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Hi, Alfredo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Uh, I am just calling to tell you, Señor Ralph that your parrot died.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Yes, Señor, that’s the one.”

“Damn! That’s a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating rotten meat, Señor Ralph.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Ralph.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“My God! What fire are you talking about?”

“The one at your house, Señor. A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.”

“What the hell . . . ? Are you telling me that my $5 m mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Ralph.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Ralph.”

“What bloody funeral?”

“Your mistress, Señor Ralph. She showed up one night unexpectedly and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Nike driver.”

There was a lengthy silence.

“Alfredo, if you broke that driver, you’re in real trouble…”

Husbands and Wives JOW #913

The Battle of the Sexes is rich territory for jokes.  It has been a while since I used this theme; specifically I am focusing primarily on husbands and wives.  I have a few jokes and a few bits of observational humor.  I hope you enjoy them.

A 60 year old millionaire shows up at a party with a gorgeous 23 year old blonde on his arm. 
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 80!"
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.
Man: Yeah, I knew that when I married her, but Karen has a wonderful personality.

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. 
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

------------------------------

Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.

Some quick observations

·         Arguing with your husband is fun, even if he wins... he loses.

·         I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

·         85% of married life consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the house.

·         I heard people say you can’t live without love.  I still think oxygen ranks higher.

·         My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.

·         A man simply doesn’t have a clue what real happiness is until he gets married. But then it’s already too late for him.

·         My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

·         I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.  But she figured out I was only after my money.

·         A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.

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A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a thirty year old.”

“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”

She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Husband:  My wife Jill is missing.  She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!    

Sheriff:  Her height?

Husband:  I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff:  Weight?

Husband:  Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff:  Color of eyes?

Husband:  Sort of brown I think.

Sheriff:  Color of hair?

Husband:  Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff:  What was she wearing?

Husband:  Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff:  What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:  She went in my truck.

Sheriff:  What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, leather heated and cooled seats, climate control trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation and  satellite radio....

******************

Store that sells new husbands has opened in town, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store   ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are good looking, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 1,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street, with the same rules.
The First Floor has wives that love sex.
The Second Floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The Third Floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Floors have never been visited.