Place names JOW #749

My next book signing event will be in Livingston, Texas, about sixty miles north of my home.  While driving up there I sometimes have to go through the charmingly named town of Cut and Shoot, Texas.  That got me thinking about other interesting place names.  A short search turned up such places as Humptulips, Washington; Titty Hill, England; Anus, France; Cool, California;  Beer, in Devon, England; Disco, Tennessee; Fear Not, Pennsylvania; Rest and Be Thankful, Utah; Argyll and Butte, Scotland;  Arsenic Tubs, New Mexico; Dismal, Tennessee (obviously); Double Trouble, New Jersey (even more obviously)  & Boring City, Oregon.  Everyone is familiar with Intercourse, Pennsylvania, but I was not aware of the German town of Fucking, which apparently does not have the same meaning in German as it does in English.  The story I read was that it became so common for couples to take selfies under the sign while, well, ‘doing it’ that the township had to erect closed circuit televisions to aid law enforcement.  Which then made me wonder, why make a selfie of yourself and your sweetie in the act, (which must be acrobatically challenging) when you could just go to the police station and get a copy from the cops?

In the course in my travels, I have been in a lot of places but apparently I have never been in cahoots.  I hear you can’t go there alone, as you need to be in Cahoots with others.  I have never been in Cognito, either but even if I had you would not have recognized me.  Nor I have I been in Sane, although a few people nearly drove me there which is better than jumping to Conclusions.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they approached the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

--------------------------------------

Then they got into an argument about how to pronounce Hawaii.

One insisted it was ‘Havaii’ while the other said the w was pronounced – “Hawaii.”

Once again they asked a strange to judge the correct pronunciation.

“It is pronounced ‘Havaii’,” he told them.

“See”, crowed the winner.  “Thank you my good man for your help.”

“You’re velcome,” the Swede replied.

#######################

A Scot, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."
The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands I know a place where every time you buy a drink, the landlord buys you two.
The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says, "That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where everyone buys your drinks all night, and you can get laid every night."
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot.

He replies "No, but my sister told me all about it."

*************************

Two girls have a flat and have to pull over to the side of the road.

Concerned about safety the brunette asks her friend to get out and check her hazard lights.

"Are my flashers on?" she asks.

The blonde calls back. "Yup. Nope. Yup. Nope. Yup."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A cop pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks her for her license.

"You cops should get it together," she said. "One day you take away my license, and the next day you ask me to show it to you."

Finally, some random thoughts:

·         There is a new Jurassic Park movie coming up.  I have an ad line they can use:  If you love something set it free…well, unless it is a T-Rex.

·         And there is a new zombie movie coming out: “You Only Live Twice.”

·         If necessity is the mother of invention, is MacGyver the father?

·         Always give 100% - unless you are giving blood.

·         I may be crazy but at least I have each other.

·         Synonym – a word used for one you can’t spell

·         The misuse of the word ‘literally’ makes me figuratively insane.

·         5/4ths of all people have trouble with fractions

·         There is a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.

·         Wanted, dead or alive: Schrödinger’s Cat

·         I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

·         If you have a Tex-Mex emergency do you call nine-Juan-Juan?

·         If life gives you lemons, keep them because, hey, free lemons.

·         But if life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

·         Dear Math, I am not a therapist.  Find solve your own problems.

·         Dear Algebra, please stop asking me to find your X.  She is not coming back.

·         Everything is easier said than done.  Well, except for talking… that is about the same.

·         What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Literary JOW #748

I have been following a literary thread from some friends lately.  Their literary comments have gotten a bit crazy – going off the tracks like a runaway Twain.  Some are so convinced that their favorite writer is the best that they all they say is ‘Hemmingway or the highway.’  I like the poetry of Edgar Allen but he is just a Poe boy and nobody loves him.  And his raven – “Nevermore” – so passive aggressive.  As they say the pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the sword is quite small and the pen is really, really big and sharp.

It is wonderful that some people still read books.  Of course, these days literature falls into two broad categories: books you want to be seen reading but don’t really want to read, and books that you want to read but do not want to be seen reading.  That is why 50 Shades of Gray should come in a book cover that says “Wuthering Heights” or something.

But with that on my mind, here are some literary jokes.

Can you imagine getting a Valentine’s Day from a famous author?

·         Just take this stupid phony card. Love J.D. Salinger

·         If I am forced to endure your company I think I might eventually come to love you.  Love, in the end, Jane Austin

·         I think I might have loved you, once.  In the rain.  Love Ernest Hemmingway

*******************************

A man walks into a book shop and says, ‘Can I have one of Shakespeare’s works?’

‘Of course, sir,’ says the salesman. ‘Which one?’

The man replies, ‘William.’

-----------------------------------------------------

A chicken runs into a library, goes to the main desk and says, ‘Book, bok, bok, boook.’ The librarian hands the chicken a book and it tucks it under its wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the book on the desk and says, ‘Book, bok, bok, bok, boook.’ Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out with it. A few minutes later the chicken is back, and returns the book saying, ‘Boook, book, bok, bok, boook.’ The librarian gives the chicken a third book, but this time follows it as it runs out. The chicken runs down the street, through a park and down to the river where a frog is sitting on the bank. The chicken holds up the book to the frog, saying, ‘Book, bok, bok, boook’.

The frog replies, ‘Read-it, read-it, read-it…’

We authors get no respect.

·         ‘From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter – someday I intend reading it.’ Groucho Marx

·         ‘I read part of the book all the way through.’ Samuel Goldwyn

·         ‘I just received the copy of the book you sent me.  I shall waste no time reading it.’ Winston Churchill

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A writer sends his manuscript to a publisher with a note saying, ‘None of the characters in this story bear any resemblance to any person living or dead.’ The publisher sends back the book with a note saying, ‘That’s what’s wrong with it.’

**************************

A writer dies and Saint Peter offers him the choice of Hell or Heaven. To see what he has in store Saint Peter takes him to Hell where rows of writers are chained to their desks being whipped by demons in a steaming dungeon. However, when they get to Heaven the writer is astonished to see that nothing has changed – rows of writers are chained to their desks in a steaming dungeon being whipped. ‘Hey!’ says the writer, ‘this is just as bad as Hell!’ ‘No, it’s not,’ replies Saint Peter. ‘Up here you get published.’

………………………….

I had a dream last night that I wrote Lord of the rings, I was Tolkien in my sleep!

+++++++++++++++++++

Dick is introduced to an author at a party. ‘My last book was terribly difficult,’ the author says. ‘It took me over six years to complete.’

‘I can sympathize,’ replies Dick. ‘I’m a slow reader myself.’

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man finds an old violin and an oil painting in his attic and takes them to be valued. ‘You know what you’ve got here,’ says the antiques dealer. ‘A Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.’

‘Wow!’ says the man. ‘So they must be worth millions.’

‘Unfortunately not,’ replies the dealer. ‘Rembrandt made the violin and Stradivarius painted the picture.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writer to critic, ‘So what’s your opinion of my book?’

Critic, ‘It’s worthless.’

Writer, ‘I know, but I’d like to hear it anyway.’

===============

A critic is like a legless man teaching running.

And finally,

What is Forrest Gump’s computer password?   1Forrest1

My "Charlie" JOW

What with all the support we (well everyone except the current administration) are providing the satirical magazine ‘Charlie’ these days I thought I might tempt the wrath of Allah and provide some Islamic jokes.  They are hard to find.  Apparently the Prophet did not have much of a sense of humor.  I do find it telling that ‘Charlie’ could not be published on most American university campuses because their humor (which mocks everyone) is viewed as “hate speech”; that definition makes censorship okay.  So here in the U.S. we do to ourselves what took Muslim AK-47s to do in France.

But enough politics, on to the humor.

How does every Muslim joke begin?

By looking over your shoulder.

____________________

Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the Seventh Century.

They’re calling it ‘Islam’.

++++++++++++++++

Iran claims to have launched an Islamic rocket onto Moon.

News on Iranian state news channel reported, “Water found on Moon”.

News on CNN:”Iranian rocket found in Arabian Sea”.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

An amateur group of Islamic film makers in Britain have posted a video on YouTube which mocks Christianity and Jesus Christ.  It is so offensive that BBC reported that St Peter's church in Shrewsbury have postponed their tea and cake morning until next Wednesday, and Dorothy Green from Margate has written a letter of complaint.
When will the madness end?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Then there is the new Islamic inflatable sex doll: she blows herself up.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Did you hear the one about the Muslim who won a Nobel Prize in Physics?
Neither did I.

Okay, I better let some of the other religions have their turn:

I know three fundamental truths about religion:

Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God,

Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ,

and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.

===================

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''

So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

……………………………….

A Priest and a Rabbi were eating together when the priest started to tease the Rabbi.

”Wow, this ham is really good” he said licking his lips.”I know it’s against your religion, but when are you going to break down and finally have some.”

After a moments though the Rabbi responded with a smile “at your wedding!”

**********************

A priest, a rabbi, a minster, and a flamingo walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says. “I know, I know, if any of your flock calls you aren’t here.”

Then the flamingo says to the others, “If a penguin comes in, pretend you are not with me.”

========================

A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi."

The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"A rabbi in a supermarket asks, 'How much is this chicken?'

The butcher says, 'That's not chicken, it's pork."

The rabbi replies, 'So who is asking you?'

#############

One well-known city businessman once met the local priest and told him, "You probably noticed, Holy Father, that I don't visit the church."

"Yes, I noticed and I regret this," answered the priest.

"I don't go to the church because there are many hypocrites there."

The priest replied, "We can always find a place for one more."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Baptist was counseling a couple who were planning to be married soon.  They were worried about sinning while having sex.

 “Are there any positions we should not use?” asked the bride to be shyly.

“Only one – you must not do it standing up.”

“Why?”

“It is too much like dancing."

*******************

In Mumbai, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Hindu cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc.

Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna"

Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, you Muslim scum! You're blocking traffic!"
````````````````````````````````

A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 50 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, “Hello I’m a reporter for the BBC and we know you’re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions.” The man agrees and she asks, “So we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?”

The man replies, “I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world.”

The news reporter says, “Wow that’s truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 50 years?”

The man replies, “I feel like I’ve been talking to a brick wall.”

And finally to sum it all up:  Religious Shit

·         Taoism -Shit happens.

·         Buddhism -If shit happens, it's not really shit.

·         Islam -If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.

·         Protestantism -Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

·         Judaism -Why does this shit always happen to us?

·         Hinduism -This shit happened before.

·         Catholicism -Shit happens because you're bad.

·         Hare Krishna -Shit happens rama rama.

·         T.V. Evangelism -Send more shit.

·         Atheism -No shit.

·         Jehova's Witness -Knock knock, shit happens.

·         Hedonism -There's nothing like a good shit happening.

·         Christian Science -Shit happens in your mind.

·         Agnosticism -Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

·         Rastafarianism -Let's smoke this shit.

·         Existentialism -What is shit anyway?

·         Stoicism -This shit doesn't bother me.