Wordplay JOW #780

Once again I am having fun with words.  Writing does that for you.  By the way, if you are stuck on giving a gift to someone, consider providing them with a signed first edition novel.  I can provide them for you at a very reasonable cost.  But back to words and how very strange meanings can be.  For example, if you think about it, “understand” is a funny word.  Unlike “underarm” or “undercook” it does not make a lot of sense.  You have to wonder what ‘standing’ has to do with comprehension.  And why ‘under’?  Even more curious is trying to figure out what should be the opposite of understand.  Is it underlie, overstand, or overlie?  Or maybe it’s ununderstand, or just plain derstand.

There are lots of funny words in English, like “partake” which looks like it has something to do with golf, or “bigamist” which suggests a person with a sizeable problem, or “cockpit” which just begs to be fooled with.  The word “improper” is funny if you split the word after the first p (imagine a cowboy who lassoes little demons.)

But making fun of a word often requires that we ignore the word’s etymology—otherwise the amusement might be lost to reason.  For example, the word “surgery” begs the question “what surges?”  In fact, the word evolved from an old French word surigien with roots in old English as chirurgeon which came from the Greek cheirourgos (cheir, hand + ergon, work.)  That history may be interesting, but not very funny.  Why don't we put pants in the pantry? An amusing question—but not if you are aware that the origin of the word “pantry” is from the Middle English panetrie meaning “bread room” borrowed from the Old French paneterie the root of which comes from the Latin word for bread, panis.  The origin of “pants” is from Pantaleon, the name of a 4th-century saint who was favored by Venetians who, consequently, became known as Pantaloni.  In the 17th century, the French used the word pantalon to refer a particular style of tights resembling that worn by an old Venetian in an Italian play.  The word for tight fitting trousers came to the English as “pantaloons” and by 1850 was shortened to “pants.”

Here are some more word jokes that I sometimes ponder:

Would rehearsing a sermon be how a pastor practices what he preaches?

If you have to collect your thoughts, are you scatterbrained?

Is it a bargain if you buy a violin, no strings attached?

If you’re on a low carb diet, aren’t you going against the grain?

Is it the crack of dawn that causes daybreak?

Is it nightfall that causes the crack of dawn?

Would a get-together of optimists be a glee club?

What’s the difference between new and brand new?

If you stretch the truth do you a get a tall tale?

If a race is neck and neck, would that mean it’s a necktie?

Is it okay to use the AM radio after noon?

Why does your house burn up as it burns down?

Does a glee club ever sing sad songs?

Is a cured ham a lousy actor who no longer is a lousy actor?

Would being awakened by an earthquake be a moving experience?

How come you have to write down something to write up something?

If you talk turkey, wouldn’t you sound ridiculous?

Are odds and ends less important than evens and starts?

Is talking behind one’s back the same as talking in front of one’s back?

When people say “God speed,” just how fast is that?

How come you have to fill in a form to fill out a form?

Why can you see stars out but not lights out?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?

Why do they call it rush hour when traffic moves the slowest?

Why isn’t there anyplace to lie down in a public rest room?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Does alphabet soup ever spell trouble?

Can you take a crash course in flying?

How come noses run and feet smell?

When you press the door bell button, shouldn’t you use your ring finger?

Do old wrinkled people think baggy clothes are skin tight?

How can you dig out of a hole?

Why do people say “bye bye” but not “hello hello?”

Why do people sit down during the day and sit up late at night?

Shouldn’t guests leave a banquet fed up?

If you float an idea, how long before it sinks in?

Do politicians who sling mud loose ground?

Why do you chop down the tree, and then chop up the tree?

When you stick your neck out, how do you stick it back in?

Why do they call it a TV set when there is only one?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If you kick the bucket, aren’t you still kicking?

 Why ”needless to say“ always comes with something said?

If you make ends meet, aren’t you just going around in circles?

Do people who skydive ever think they are jumping to conclusions?

When you say something tongue in cheek, why don’t you bite your tongue?

If you saw someone who was two-faced, wouldn’t you do a double take?

When somebody greets us with “how do you do,” why don’t we ever reply “do what?”

If marriage is a two-way street, aren’t head-on collisions inevitable?

If you pull strings to get ahead, won’t your scheme unravel?

Are you sound asleep when you snore?

How come even after you lose your temper, you still have a temper?

How come you sleep while the alarm clock is on and wake up when it goes off?

Can you back up down a hill?

How come the bride never marries the best man?

Wouldn’t you expect to get a dead battery free of charge?

Should you break into song if you can’t find the key?

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Tom sent me these:
 
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
 9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify: I put  'DOCTOR'.
 11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy (ever been to WALMART?).
 12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
 14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Stone Cold JOW #739

It has gotten cold, and about time, too.  I like cold weather because it is so hot here so much of the year.  Besides, when it is cold you can add layers until you are warm.  With hot weather you can only take off so many layers before it becomes illegal.  It is so cold today that flashers just describe themselves to women.  Of course it is not that bad here.  We don’t worry about being snowed in here in east Texas; not that snow is all that much of a problem - nothing a little salt can’t take of – especially if it is on the rim of a margarita.

So here are a few bits sort of related to the colder weather:

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"The morning weather map for the eastern half of the U.S. looked like an algebra worksheet — lots of small, negative numbers."

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"With the wind chill it got down to 63 below zero in parts of Montana. At that temperature, if you remove your hat your thoughts will actually freeze inside your brain." — Jimmy Kimmel

It was so cold that:

·         Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick

·         We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords out of it.

·         Cops yell 'thaw!' when chasing bad guys.

·         You are thankful for hot flashes.

·         Donald Trump's hair freezes in place.

·         You'd rather listen to Nickelback than walk outside

·         I saw a greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

·         Teenagers have pulled their pants up.

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Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said,

"They're a thing of beauty."

"Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager asked.

"I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"

………..

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader a few days later he called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be pretty cold."

So the Chief went back and told his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again,

"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy!"

A couple Wholly Mammoth jokes:

Q: Why did the Great Woolly Mammoth cross the road?
A: Because they didn't have chickens in the Ice Age.

Q: What's huge and shaggy with tusks and horns?
A: The Woolly Mammoth Marching Band!

And in the non-cold weather category –

“Alright! I’ll drive them to the field trip tomorrow!” Sighed my neighbor resignedly. Sure enough the next day found her with a van full of 7 to 10 year olds. Clearly distracted, my neighbor cruised right through a stop sign,

“Don’t you know how to stop?” Screamed the exasperated crossing guard, running towards the car.

My neighbor stopped her car, looked the crossing guard straight in the eye and said, “What makes you think they are all mine?!”

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Brian hit rock bottom. He was going to jail for insider trading and it couldn’t get much worse than that. As the jail warden brought Brian to his cell, Brian’s worst fears were materialized. Sitting hunched over on a bed was his soon to be roommate. He was a hunk of a man wearing a sleeveless undershirt, with vicious looking tattoos on each arm. As Brian approached the prison cell the giant looked up at him and said in a deep booming voice, “hey man, what did you do to get yourself in here?”

“White collar crime” responded Brian nervously.

“Hey man, how about that? Me too,” the giant said.

“Phew,” said Brian feeling his body relaxing, “To be honest I got a bit nervous when I saw you.”

“Nah” responded the giant waving his hand “what’s there to be nervous about? So tell me, how many priest’s did you kill?”

Rivalry JOW #738

Listening to announcers hyping college rivalries got me thinking about various put downs of . 

Most jokes hurled at the cross-town rivals celebrate the perceived differences in wealth or class.  For every UCLA student who jangles keys at the "University of Spoiled Children," there's a USC counterpart who wears a "My maid went to UCLA" T-shirt.  For every Duke student who lobs the one-liner: "I used to go to UNC, then my dad got a job."  To which a Tar Heel will reply, “What do you call a good looking girl on the Duke University campus? A visitor.”

Here are some college put downs for your amusement.

What do you get when you drive your BMW very, very slowly past USC?

A diploma.

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How do you get a UCLA grad off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza and send him on his way.

“””””””””””””””

What happens when a Harvard grad takes Viagra?
He gets taller

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I heard West Virginia's team was late arriving to a game. They passed a sign on the highway that said 'Clean Restrooms' - so they did.

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Things you will never hear a University of Texas graduate say:

·         I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

·         Nope, no more for me. I’m driving tonight.

·         I thought Graceland was tacky.

·         We’re vegetarians.

·         Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

·         Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

·         I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

·         Trim the fat off that steak.

·         Do you think my gut is too big?

·         Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

·         I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.

·         Let’s go to the museum.

·         No, I insist you have the last piece.

·         Four wheelers are just too dangerous.

·         I think we should get to know each other better first.

·         I hope this wasn’t tested on animals.

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Two Tennessee fans were out hunting when a bird flew overhead and made a ‘deposit’ on one of them.
The first Tennessee fan says, “You want me to run back to the trailer park and get some tissue?”
The second one says, “Don’t bother. That bird will be long gone by the time you get back.”

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Q: What did the Texas grad say to the Oklahoma grad?
A: Will the defendant please rise.

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A Texas A&M fan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut down 6 trees in one hour.  The salesman recommends the top of the line model and the Texas A & M fan, suitably impressed, buys it.
The next day the Texas A&M fan brings the chain saw back and says, “This chain saw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”
The salesman takes the chain saw and starts it up to see what’s wrong.
The Texas A&M fan says, “What’s that noise?”

On a separate note, I have been informed that it is no longer Texas Agricultural and Mechanical…. It is just A&M.  It was easier for them to spell.

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How can you tell a Texas Tech graduate is on location at a drilling rig?

He’s the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

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Q: How many LSU fans does it take to eat a ‘possum?
A: Three. One to eat the ‘possum and two to watch for cars.

…………………….

An 8 year old boy was riding his bicycle in Florida, when he saw his friend being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran and jumped on the dog's back. After prying the vicious animal's teeth from his young friend's body, he put the dog in a choke hold and held on until the dog was dead.

The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat and after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero and said, "Son that was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. You're going to make tomorrow's headlines. It will read: 'University of Miami fan is a Hero: Risks his life and Saves Young Friend from Vicious Pit Bull Attack.'"

The youngster said, "That's nice, but I'm not a University of Miami Fan."

Then the Headline will read, “University of Florida Fan Saves young friend's Life in Pitt Bull Attack."

The Young Man said, "But I'm not a University of Florida fan."

The editor said, "OK, then it will read, "FSU Fan Saves Friend's Life."

Once again the young man interrupted saying, "I'm not a FSU Fan, either."

The editor, becoming somewhat irritated, asked, "Then, who is you favorite team?"

The kid replied with a big smile, "The Georgia Bulldogs!!!"

The next morning, the local newspaper headlines read:

"Beloved family pet killed by juvenile delinquent."

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When do South Carolina players NOT run up the score?

When they are taking their SAT’s.

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What does the "N" on Nebraska's helmet stand for?
Knowledge.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Did you hear about the Oklahoma State fan who was injured in a pie eating contest?
A cow stepped on him.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Q: Why did the University of Virginia fan marry a sheep?
A: He had to.

Q...What do you get when you cross a Duke Blue Devil with a groundhog?
A...6 more weeks of bad football

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The University of Georgia football players were all in a remedial English class when the teacher asked "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?"

All the players shouted in unison, "THE APPEAL!"

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The University of Alabama has adopted a new Honor System:

"Yes, Your Honor. No, Your Honor."