Squirrel-ly JOW #988

My jokes started with a bit about churches getting rid of squirrels.  That led me into a couple of Virgin Mary jokes which let to parents in general.  I also threw in a nun joke and one off-topic joke to wrap things up.  This is the way my mind relates all the odd little things running around inside my brain.  Sometimes it gets pretty strange in there. I live in my own little world.  But it’s okay.  They know me there.

Here are my jokes for this week; note that in twelve short weeks I will reach JOW #1000.  This will be a monument to sustained mediocrity.

=======================

Squirrels became a problem in a small town, infesting all the houses of worship.

The local Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.  After much prayer and discussion they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels took an interest in the baptistery.  The deacons met and decide to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves.  Unfortunately, the squirrels knew how to swim and liked the slide so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Episcopalians decided they did not want to harm any of God’s creatures so they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free – right next to the Baptist church.  This worked well for two weeks until the Baptists took down the water slide and the squirrels came right back.

The Methodist church set out pans of whiskey around the places were the squirrels were getting in in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol.  They sadly learned how much damage a pack of drunken squirrels can do.

The Catholic church had a more effective measure. They captured the squirrels, baptized them, and made them members of the congregation.  Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The Jewish synagogue did not have any problem with the squirrels.  They took the first squirrel they found and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Some ‘Mary jokes’

On a cold winter’s day Mary looked out at the precipitation.  Not wanting to expose baby Jesus to the elements she turned to Joseph and asked “Pray tell me if that is sleet, husband.”

Joseph looked out the window and said, (for the very first time) “Hail, Mary.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

We all remember the scene in the Gospels.  A woman caught in adultery was about to be stoned when Jesus stepped in with the words, “He who is without sin cast the first stone.”

There was a pause and the crowd began to filter away when, suddenly, a stone arced out of the crowd toward the woman.

Jesus looked exasperated and called out, “Not including you Mom.”

(You kinda need to understand Catholic dogma to get those jokes.)

Which leads to Things my Parents taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

 "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

 "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

 "Because I said so, that's why ."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

 "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

 "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.

 "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

 "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

 "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

 "You'll sit there until all that okra is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

 "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

 "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

 "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

 "Stop acting like your father!"

  

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

 "Just wait until we get home."

16 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

 "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

17. My mother taught me ESP.

 "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

 "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

19. My mother taught me GENETICS.

 "You're just like your father."

20. My mother taught me WISDOM.

 "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

21. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

 "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

++++++++++

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didn’t have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but you sure have faith!"

And finally

Me: “It is not how often you fall but how often you get back up.”

Cop: “That is not how field sobriety tests work.”

Out of this world JOW #987

Last week saw a lot of retrospectives on the Apollo 11 Moon landing.  I distinctly remember watching the grainy images late at night in the common room of Delta Complex at Florida Presbyterian College.  It is astonishing that they made it to the moon with computers having about the computing power of a Speak and Spell toy.  What is also astonishing, and disheartening, is that we haven’t put a human beyond low earth orbit since 1972.  I was certain we would be colonizing Mars by 2019.  Anyway, here are a few out of this world jokes

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The crew of Apollo 8 spent their Christmas Day in orbit. To thank them for their sacrifice for the betterment of humanity, mission control included three miniature bottles of brandy with their dinners. This led to things getting a bit bawdy in space. One ground controller’s son inquired about who was actually driving the capsule if they were all drinking. Astronaut Anders said "I think Isaac Newton is doing most of the driving now." 

A reply to a letter sent to NASA

Dear Mr. Jones

Thank you for your interest in our work.  Unfortunately though, we have no interest in your attached sketch entitled “A Breakthrough in Awesome Rockets.”  We have long been aware of the science behind the reaction that occurs between Coke and Mentos, so believe us when we say that there is no practical use for it in our work – even if we did use “a shitload of Coke” as you so eloquently put it.

Regarding your application, if it can be called that, to become a ‘spaceman’, we regret to inform you that we’re not looking for anyone at the present time.  Besides, it takes years of hard training to become an astronaut and is not, as you suggest, “something so simple a chimp has done it.”  To learn more, we suggest you read up on your so-called idol Buzz Aldrin, who we assume you were referring to when you wrote ‘Buzz Lightyear.’

Do to security concerns we were not able to return the mints you glued to your original letter.

Sincerely,

Steven Malkovich

Associate Administrator.

Cool Facts about the Sun

·         The Sun weighs about one solar mass. You could fit approximately 1 Sun inside it.

·         Light takes thousands of years to travel from the core of the Sun to the surface. This is because solar law requires exiting photons to form a queue.

·         The Sun got a solid B average in star school, so it’s brighter than ~85% of stars.

·         The Sun’s LinkedIn profile says its career is “proton marriage counselor.”

·         Sunspots are the Sun giving itself skin cancer.

·         The Sun sometimes sends out special messages in its neutrinos, but nobody ever detects enough to find them. 

·         Mercury moves the fastest of all the planets because the Sun is constantly trying to murder it.

·         If you were to take the Sun and crush it to the size of the earth, you’d be the strongest person alive. 

Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter contains the letter “i”.

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The density of Saturn is so low that the whole planet would float on the water in your bath? However, you wouldn’t want to try this experiment at home as it would leave a massive ring around the tub.

<<<<<<<<<<<< 

Scientists have recently discovered a planet that has no crime, no war, and no poverty.  It also has no atmosphere and no life.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Copernicus’ parents might deserve some of the credit for his great discovery. Apparently at the age of twelve they said to him: “Copernicus, young man, when are you going to realize that the world does NOT revolve around you?”

~~~~~~~~~~

Astronomers have recently been able to determine that Kanye West is in fact not the center of the universe.

Okay some other science jokes

Science tip:  You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by noticing whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

“A Higgs boson goes into a church and the priest says, ‘We don’t allow Higgs bosons here.’ And the Higgs boson says, ‘But without me there is no mass.'”

“A photon walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ‘Do you want a double?’ And the photon says, ‘No I’m traveling light.'”

An infectious bacteria walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve infectious bacteria here." The infectious bacteria says "well you're not a very good host."

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock, which I find humerous.

What do you call a camel with no hump?  Humphrey.

Dejamoo: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before

New warning labels in California:

“Notice: This product consists of 99.9999999999% empty space." 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Important notice to purchasers: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed." 

Other miscellaneous jokes

·         Never teach a wolf to meditate.  It will become an aware wolf

·         Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too!

·         I’m reading a book about anti-gravity… it’s impossible to put down!

Finally, three from Dick

Doctor: Don’t worry, Dave, this is a simple operation.
Patient:  But Doc, my name’s not Dave!
Doctor: I know, it’s mine.

Fred: I heard that somebody stole your antidepressants.
Ed:  Yes, and I hope he’s happy.

Your girlfriend told me you never buy her flowers.
I didn’t even know she sold them.

Good grub JOW #986

My jokes this week start with food and cooking.  I'm a competent cook but I need the smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking."  Why does cooking takes like six hours and eating take like three seconds and washing dishes take like seven days and seven nights?

---------------

John was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside. John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.”

“I’ll take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order. A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!?  And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!?

“My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!!!”
=========

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. 

~~~~~~~~~~

·         The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again.

·         And then there is German Chinese food.  An hour after you eat you are hungry for power.

·         Rice is great if you're hungry and want a thousand of something

******

A common chef’s error is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning.

Two cooking riddles.

Q: Who was the best young cook in history?
A: Julia’s Child.

Q: What's the difference between a chef and a beggar?

A: Whether there's a space between "pan" and "handler".

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I asked a chef if he ever served a steak almost raw. He said yeah but it’s rare.

………….

A chef made my soup in a rush and it didn’t taste quite right.  I asked him "Isn’t this soup missing some of the spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

++++++++

A German walks into a bar and orders a martini.

“Dry” asked the bartender.

“No,” replied, “just one.’

**********

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.

The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease."

The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

~~~~~~~~~~

What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!

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There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! For months, he worked and worked on building the perfect vehicle. When he was done, he painted a big “S” on the side for his name, Sam.

The day of the race finally arrived, and Sam slowly pushed his vehicle up to the starting line with all the other forest critters. Everyone was laughing so hard at him, saying there was no way he could compete with the others. Determined, Sam got in his vehicle and waited for the start.

A bird flying overhead called out the countdown. “Three… Two… One! GO!”

Zoom! In a cloud of smoke, Sam had burst ahead and was already yards in front of everyone else. All the other forest critters gaped in astonishment, until a hare who had lost a previous race to a turtle yelled out, “Wow! Look at that ‘S’ car go!”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The house owner opened the door.

“I want a place to stay,” said an ant.

“I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free” said the owner.

Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner, “Can you please allow this fellow ant to stay with me?”

“Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent,” said the owner.

After some days the ant brought a third ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This went on as the ant brought in more and more ants and the owner agreed to let them stay without any rent.

One fine day, the ant brought in the tenth ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them all.

The owner said, “OK, you can all stay here but now you all need to pay rent…

You are now ten ants”.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at Starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says “You know, physics is just applied mathematics!”

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. “And mathematics is just applied philosophy!”

The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.

“Shut up and get me another cup of coffee.”

+++++++++++++++

A doper drifts over to a policeman and his dog.

Doper: “Sweet dog you got there”

 Policeman: “Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.”

 Doper: “Still in training, huh?”

 Policeman: “What do you mean?”

 Doper: “Never mind”

Independence JOW #985

This is ridiculous.  Don’t people know the Fourth is over? It is July 11th are still celebrating the 4th of July by setting off fireworks.  One of them nearly set fire to my Christmas decorations.  Actually, there is a 4<sup>th</sup> of July in Canada, too.  It comes right between July 3 & 5.  A better name for the holiday is Independence Day - the day that Americans proudly wave their American flags and watch fireworks - both made in China.  And, being modern Americans we also celebrate by eating way too much unhealthy food.  Well, like many of my JOW’s it reflects what has been, not what is going on right now.  Here are some more or less Independence Day themed jokes.

Here are a few Fourth of July riddles

How come there's no ‘Knock Knock’ joke about America?

Because freedom rings.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

Because she can't sit down.

How is a healthy person like the United States?

They both have good constitutions.

What do you get if you cross a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?

Yankee Poodle.

What did George Washington say to his men before they crossed the Delaware?
“Get in the boat, men!”

What was the patriots’ favorite food in the Revolutionary War?
Chicken Catch-a-Tory!

Here is Bill’s grandson’s favorite joke

What do volcanoes eat for lunch?

Ash potatoes

A random Tom Swift joke that seems approprate

“Don’t light those fireworks!” Tom exploded.

Two unassociated observations

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

If women are upset at the use of naughty words, who in the hell bought 80 million copies of ‘Fifty Shades of Gray?’

A few rare political jokes from me

SOCIALISM: An idea that is so good that it has to be mandatory. A socialist walks into a bar and yells... "Free drinks for everyone!" looks around and says "Who's buying?"

==============

What is the difference between an Illegal immigrant and E.T.? E.T. learned to speak English and went home.

------------------

Many years ago, Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan said the following:

“Beware of people who combine massive intellectual ignorance with brilliant powers of salesmanship.”

``````````````````````````````

There is a new gun being marketed.  It is called the Congressman.  It doesn’t do anything and you can’t fire it.

Here are some non-political jokes

A woman quietly confided to her best friend that she was having an affair.

Her friend asked, "Are you having it catered?"  

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".

++++++++++++++++

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a two bar stools.

One of them says to the bartender,

"Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip.  I’m John, he's Jim.  Two Molson Canadian draft beers please." 

 The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, boys"?

 "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?"

 Jim agrees.

 "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture ..."

 "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.

"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?

And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." 

 Bartender asks:  “Then why keep going to England?”

 "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

And a final joke from Bill

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.    This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

 Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.  It was unlikely that, at his age, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were in dire straits.

 Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

She explained that for more than four decades she had 'charged' him for sex, she had taken the money and invested it wisely.

Her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted

out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business.”

 That's when she shot him. 

Ruth's Silly JOW #984

Ruth has a Women’s Coloring Group that meet about once a month to use colored pencils to fill in outlines in adult coloring books.  While doing so they talk, eat cheese and crackers, and drink wine.  One of her recent meetings involved silliness.   I have her permission to use some of her jokes she shared on that occasion.  Thus, most of this JOW is Ruth’s.

```````````````````

Of all the words in the English language, the word, silly is probably the word that has changed its definition the most number of times. The word, silly is ultimately derived from the archaic Old

English word, gesælig.  Originally, the word, silly meant “happy,” “fortunate,” or “wealthy.”

Then, because people are usually happy because they have been blessed, the word came to mean “blessed.” Then, because the people who are blessed are usually pious, the word came to mean “pious.” Because people who are pious are usually righteous, the word changed its meaning again and came to mean “noble,” “righteous,” “brave,” or “virtuous.” Usually when a person is noble, that person is innocent, so the word took on the new meaning of “innocent.” People who are innocent, however, usually refrain from causing harm so the word changed its meaning again and came to mean “harmless.” If a person is harmless, however, then that person is probably weak and worthy of charity, so the word came to mean “pitiful” or “pathetic.” Then, because pitiful people are rarely particularly intelligent, the word eventually came to mean “stupid” or “ignorant.” Then, because stupid people often behave in foolish ways, the word eventually attained its present meaning of “goofy,” “odd,” or “childish.

As you can see, throughout its long lifespan, the word, silly, has somehow managed to hold almost every single definition it is possible for a single word to have.

Some quotes on siliness.

 “If we remember that the German word for blessed, blissful and overjoyed (selig) is the root of our word silly, we may be forced to make some pertinent connections.”

― Mary Rose O'Reilley

 “Never overlook an opportunity to act silly and have fun.”

― Marty Rubin

You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.”

― Colette

There is something beautiful about watching two people lovingly act silly together; behaving as though no one else existed.

– Steve Maraboli

Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.

– Horace

Have fun' is my message. Be silly. You're allowed to be silly. There's nothing wrong with it.

– Jimmy Fallon

Silly Riddles

Q: Where should a 500 pound alien go?

A: On a diet

Q: What did one toilet say to the other?

A: You look a bit flushed.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?

A: Because it was framed.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?

A: I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?

A: Because they are two-tired!

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?

A: Someday my prints will come!

Q: Why was the broom late?

A: It over swept!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: What is blue and goes ding dong?

A: An Avon lady at the North Pole!

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?

A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

A: I think I'm coming down with something!

Q: What has four wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck!

Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?

A: A minnie van!

Q. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

A. They don’t meet the koalafications.

Q. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A. One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Q. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A. Same middle name.

Q. What did the left eye say to the right eye?

A. Between you and me, something smells.

Q. Why is England the wettest country?

A. Because the queen has reigned there for years.

Q. What’s E.T. short for?

A. Because he’s only got little legs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bear walks into a restaurant

He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled …………….... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the big pause?”

“Whaddya mean?” the bear replies. “I’m a bear!”

·         Friends don't let friends do silly things...alone. No matter how serious life gets, you still gotta have friends that you can be completely silly with.

·         Sometimes being silly with a friend is the best therapy.

++++++++

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

=============

I used to be addicted to soap.

But I’m clean now.

>>>>>>>>>> 

 “I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

<<<<<<<<<<< 

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

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My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

*************

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.