Seaspeak JOW #1105

Ten Russian and Chinese ships recently conducted their first ever military exercise together in the Pacific.  This was probably in response to recent big joint exercise held off Japan by seven different nations which included four (4) aircraft carriers from three nations.  Coronavirus cases have been reported onboard the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth.  Other ships in the fleet were told to keep their distance as she's a carrier.

English is the mandated international language of the air.  An Iranian airliner landing in Indonesia talks to the tower in English. Likewise, English has been recognized as Seaspeak, the international language of the sea since 1988.  That means that when the Chinese and Russian fleets tried to work together all their voice communications were in English.  I find that amusing.  Of course, there are language differences within our own services:If the Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to secure a building.

The Navy personnel turn off the lights and lock the door.
The Army personnel would occupy the building and ensured no one could enter.
The Marines would attack, capture it, and set up defenses.
The Air Force would negotiate a two-year lease with an option to buy.

 

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

Now we have Space Command.

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

++++

Did you know Navy ships run on commercial batteries?

They run on 7 C's

^^^^^^

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

>>>>> 

What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?

You might end up with a dishonorable discharge.

------

A Navy Seal was being interviewed by a news personality.   Discussing all the countries he had been sent to she asked him, “Did you have to learn several languages?”

“No, ma’am, we don’t go there to talk.”

^^^^^

A Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Delta Operator walk into a bar...

The Delta Operator orders a shot of whisky, the Army Ranger has a beer, and the Navy SEAL writes a book about it.

```````

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with three wives for five years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself

~~~~~

A Navy Seal walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
He says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Navy man smiled, taped his watch and said, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

*****

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.  "Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them.

The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.
Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Again, the cops merely shrug.
The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate with the officers.
"I keep telling you we should learn more languages!" says one cop to the other.
"Why?" he responds. "That man knows five, and it didn't get him anywhere."

>>>>>> 

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"
"John," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.
And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Aye, Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."
"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."

_____

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.  Now,” he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

++++++

A navy officer on a submarine doing his first inspection of a submarine noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!
Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub commander’s office and asked what this was all about. The commander explained to him that due to cost cutting efforts, this particular submarine was built using extensive amounts of recycled metal.
The officer, still not understanding, replied, “But they did such a terrible job! I can still see shoddy bits of the original material all around the ship!”
The captain smiled sadly with a knowing look and said, “Son, that’s just the irony of this sub... **this whole thing is a joke**”

 

 

  

Sporting Season JOW #1104

 

It is the busy time for sports.  For a few weeks all four of the major spectator sports are in play.  In fact, with great days for golf and tennis, not to mention fishing and hunting going on it is a regular sportsman paradise.   Here are some sports related jokes along with a brief inspiring story.

 -------------------

What vegetable can work as a sports announcer?

A common tater.

 

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

 

A man leaves home, makes three left turns, and is on his way back home when he notices two men in masks waiting for him.
They’re the catcher and umpire.

 

Did you hear? Detroit is building a new stadium at an undisclosed location.
They’re keeping it a secret because they’re afraid the Tigers might find out and try to play there.

 

Why did the Dodgers hire a baker?
They needed a new batter.

 

Why can’t basketball players go on vacation?
They aren’t allowed to travel.

 

My neighbor asked if I could pitch in money to help him buy the world's largest piece of sports equipment, and then get five of my friends to go in also.

I refused. I know it's just a big racket.

 

Why do football players like smart women?
Opposites attract.

 

How do you make Houston Texans cookies?
Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours.

 

Where do football players go when they need new uniforms?
New Jersey.

 

Hockey players are like goldfish.
Just tap on the glass to get their attention.

 

What’s the difference between hockey and wrestling?
In hockey, the fights are real.

 

Why didn’t Jesus play hockey?
Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Latin America.

 ``````````````````

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

 "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

There is even horse racing going on.

A man buys a train ticket on April 4. The ticket costs $44 and he notices that the ticket number is 4444. He finds the train at platform 4 and his seat is in train car 4, seat number 44. The train leaves at exactly 4:44.
When he arrives, he goes to the hotel that is on 44 West 44th Street and for some reason the hotel room number is 444.
The man is spooked by all these fours following him, but he gets an idea. He goes to the race track and places a $4,444 bet on horse number 4.
And, believe it or not, horse number 4 finishes at 4th place.

All kinds of sports jokes.

Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”

And finally, an inspiring rags to riches story.

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in New York walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
-What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
The Director asks in turn arrogantly:
-Why are you so interested in that? Do you have money to invest?
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
“What's your name?” Asks the Director.
“John Smith.”
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Service: “Do we have a client named John Smith?”
“Certainly,” answers the Customer Service Manager.  “He has a million dollars in his account.”
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says: “Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.”
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
“We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.”
Mr. Smith began his story: “I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.”
“Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.”
“I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.”
“Then, three months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars from her life insurance.”

 

 

New York, New York? JOW #1103

You hear lots about how the quality of life in big cities like New York is going downhill.  But New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time – most of the time unsolved.  But there is humor in everything.  Here are some New York jokes for your amusement.

++++++++++++

 

New York City tried to hold a nice New Year's Eve party.

But they dropped the ball.

 

Did you know you're 10 times more likely to be robbed in your home town than in New York City?

That's because you don't live in New York City

 

I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds.

Poor guy.

 

North Korea now has a missile that can reach New York City, and I think that's really scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

 

Scene from a NYC courtroom:
“Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?  Say something."
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

^^^^^

"According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name." 

>>>> 

According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You're lucky, because the most popular form of greeting in New York is the middle finger.

<<<<< 

In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually serve beer. You can even get a beer with your happy meal.  A German tourist walked into a McDonald's in New York City and ordered a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to laugh.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food while sober."

 

NYC will undoubtedly be the last holdout for taxi cabs.  Here are some NYC cab jokes.

 

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

``````

A naked, clearly inebriated woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide and began to stare at her but made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman said “What's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old cabbie says, “Let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you like you think. That wouldn't be proper.”
The woman responded "What are you doing then?"
He paused for a moment and said "Well, miss, I'm just trying to figure out where you're keeping the money to pay for this ride"

~~~~~~

An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

______

An elderly priest dies and goes to heaven.

He soon finds himself in a line of souls going to St. Peter to enter heaven. In no time at all there's only one person in front of him.
St Peter tells the man "ah yes, state your name and occupation"
The man replies " Will Snikket, taxi driver in New York City"
St Peter looks at his list for a moment and says "yes, take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord"
The priest is next, St Peter asks him " your name and occupation"
"Father Samuel, minister of the church of God", the priest eagerly replies.
After perusing his list for a moment St Peter looks at the priest and says " very well, take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the kingdom of the Lord"
At hearing this the priest is indignant, " what, but I've been faithfully serving the lord all my life, why did that taxi driver get such amazing treatment compared to me".
St Peter stares silently at the priest. Finally he replies, " my child, up here we work by results. While you preached people slept, but while he drove, people prayed".

And finally.

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive.

The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 30 minutes hours and Satan charges him half a million dollars.

The man from Florida says he would love to call his hometown in Miami Beach so he calls and speaks for an hour and Satan charges him a million.

The man from New York says he would love to call his hometown in ,o he calls and speaks for three hours and Satan charges him three dollars.
Enraged the men from Texas and Florida ask Satan why it was so cheap for a call to New York?
“Well”, says Satan, “ever since Mayor de Blasio got elected and New York went to hell - it's a local call.”

 

Fully Insured JOW #1102

Insurance, either health, auto, or life, is no laughing matter.  But there are a lot of jokes on the subject.  I hope you enjoy these.

 

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.

 

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

 

How is a hospital gown like insurance?

You're never covered as much as you think you are.

 

My insurance agent told me that I'm most likely to be involved in a car accident when I'm within a mile of my home.

So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

 

The amount of advertising on social media is super surprising.

What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance.

 

Hey! I saved a bundle on car insurance, by switching....my car into reverse and leaving the scene of the accident!

 

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

 

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre-existing condition.

 

My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage

The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.

 

Confucius say needing insurance is like needing a parachute – if it isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing it again.

 

Life insurance is a policy that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

 

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.

 

A man is asked by his friends why he doesn't have a life insurance policy

 

"Because I want everybody to be really sad when I die!" He grinned.

 

My dog, Case, swallowed my proof of car insurance. It's really no big deal though. My insurance is just in Case.

 

What do you call someone who specializes in selling insurance to hand models?

A digital security specialist.

 

How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb?

How many did it take last year?

------

A young child tells her mom she was playing "doctor" with another boy in the neighborhood.

Mom is somewhat shocked and curious about what this "doctor play" entailed. She asked her daughter "what did you do?"
The daughter replies "Oh nothing. I just sat in the exam room waiting for him to show up, and he ended up charging my insurance twice.

++++++++++++

A man shuffles into the doctor’s office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.
Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”
The man slowly replies. “I have aches all over, I have a cough that sometimes has blood, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, but spend all day dry heaving.”
The doctor nods understandingly as he reads over the patient’s information on his clipboard.
Doctor: “I’m going to have you go back home, have with some chicken soup, take two aspirin, and get plenty of bed rest.  Then you won’t need to come back here.”
Man: “That’s all I have to do? Thanks so much doc, out of curiosity what do I have?”
The doctor responds, “No insurance”

======

Three insurance salesmen, Al, Ben, and Carl, are bragging about their accomplishments.

"Last month," says Al, "when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. The next day, I put a check in the mail for his family."
"That's nothing," says Ben. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within 30 minutes. That very day, I personally delivered a check to his family."
"Amateurs," says Carl. "Yesterday, one of my insured was fixing the roof of my office building when he fell off the roof. I handed him his check as he passed my window."

```````

Sue owned a storage place and one day it burned down, so she called the insurance company.

She said, “I had that storage place insured for sixty thousand dollars and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Well just a minute, Ma’am, because unfortunately it doesn’t work quite like that. First, we will determine the value of the old store and provide you with a new one of equivalent value.”

Sue paused for a minute and then said, “Well, if that’s is the case, I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband!”

>>> 

“Do you know the present value of your husband’s policy?” the life insurance agent asked his client.

The woman was confused and asked, “What do you mean?”

The agent said, “Well if, God forbid, you should lose your husband, then what would you get?”

The woman thought about it for a minute, then brightened up and said, “Probably a poodle.”

 

And finally, something a little different.

A man and his wife are looking for a job.

The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.
A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he has great insurance and he begins tomorrow what will be his main act, the human cannonball. They both go to sleep happy, and the next morning the man leaves for work.
Hours pass, and the man comes back home, with a very sad look on his face. His wife enquires, and he explains..
"I went to work, I got into the cannon to be shot out but right after that, I got fired!"