Christmas JOW #957

Christmas is a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.  Actually, when you think about it, Christmas is a baby shower that got way out of control.

Here are a few Christmas themed jokes for your own present because if Santa’s been reading some of the things you have been posting on Facebook, some of you got lumps of coal in your stockings.  I hope you all have a very merry time this Christmas and have a happy and prosperous new year.

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

21st Century Christmas songs

·         Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny phone

·         90 Days of Christmas (because it starts in October now).

·         It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas!

·         iPhones ring, are you listenin'

·         Do You Retweet What I Tweet?

·         All I want for Christmas is two retweets...

·         Doorbells ring are you listenin Amazon is deliverin
Frosty the snowperson

Some radio stations are pulling the song ‘Baby it’s cold outside’ in support of the MeToo movement.  I think they should also consider pulling ‘Do you hear what I hear?” as it might be offensive to schizophrenics.

What are the best books to read during the holidays?

·         The Lord of the Five Golden Rings

·         For Whom the Jingle Bells Toll

·         Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret Santas

·         Frankincense and Sensibility

One Christmas, a husband said to his wife, “I think there’s something wrong with these cookies, dear. They taste awful.”

His wife replied, “That shows you what you know. The recipe book says they’re delicious.” 

===============

How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Some first person Christmas jokes

A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.

As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?” 

*************

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

“Great,” she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.”

+++++++++++++++

What is Santa’s favorite pizza? One that’s “deep pan, crisp and even.”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents? Because Kanye is Trump’s favorite wrapper.

```````````

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.  They're great for separating independent Clauses.

More random thoughts

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. 

And I wonder sometimes, what if there were no hypothetical situations?

Here is a final Christmas joke

Sarah and her sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong four-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
 Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the Sarah that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
 "I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
 Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
 Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
 In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing any toys to my sister this year."

Peel the Onion JOW #956

Although it is almost Christmas, I am saving most of my holiday jokes for next week although I do have some at the end.  Instead I have purloined some bits from the Onion – a satirical publication that has been skewering the world with genuine fake news stores for a quarter century.  Sometimes their fake headlines go mainstream such as:

“Our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.”

“Scientists still years away from deciphering wireless bills.”

The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion:

• Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful law firm.

• Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.

• As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

These holiday “headlines”—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.

• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings

• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Your Mother Know What You Really Think

• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year

• Book Given as Gift Actually Read

Typical Onion fare are these fake reports.

Greatest Factor in Employee Retention is Boss Sending our End of Year Note

“Citing the gesture as a “best practice shared across the nation’s highest-morale offices,” researchers at the Harvard Business School published a report Friday identifying a correlation between workplaces with the highest employee retention rate and those where management distributed an end-of-year note titled “Thanks Team.” “Our findings clearly show a hastily dashed-off email telling employees to ‘keep up the good work’ far outweighs other factors such as pay raises, promotions, and company culture in terms of keeping efficient workers in the stable,” said head researcher Dr. Ellen Mahoney,

Fun Toy Banned Because of Stupid Dead Kid

A popular rocket toy has been banned because of the death of, Bobby Wieller, 11, who was killed by the toy.  "Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.
"'I've heard some pretty stupid s*** in my time, but that has to take the cake," said Dr. Anderson Hunt, the attending physician. "Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start.'"

Here is an old headline about the previous pope:

Pope Francis Worried About Job Security After Butting Heads With New God

“At first, I thought it was going to be a fairly smooth transition, but it turns out He and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things,” said the pope, adding that the difficult new omnipotent deity had been “riding [his] ass nonstop” on everything from the divine revelation to the liturgical calendar. “I got along great with the old God, but this one gets wrathful over practically nothing. Frankly, He’s kind of a jerk."

Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews

"According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years, and the number of unemployed could be reduced from 14.6 million to 5 million if everyone simply greeted potential employers with firmer handshakes, maintained eye contact, and stopped fiddling with their hair and face so much."

The Onion is apolitical.  They skewer left and right

Area Man Passionate Defender of What He Imagines Constitution to Be

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

ACLU Defends Nazis' Right to Burn Down ACLU Headquarters

"I am reminded of the words of Voltaire: 'I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,'" Strossen said. "While the ACLU vehemently disagrees with the idea of Nazis torching this building, the principle of freedom of expression must be supported in all cases. If we take away these Nazis' right to burn down our headquarters, we take away everyone's right to burn down our headquarters."

Now for something completely different: Random Star Wars Memes

Yeah, if you could just surrender to the dark side, that’d be great

Nice suit Vader, but it must have cost you like an arm and a leg.

Some memes you can set to music

Looking for love in Alderaan places

Or this hopping ditty:

I just met you

And this crazy,

But I’m your father

So join me maybe.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.

“What denomination?” asks the clerk.

The woman answers, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

And finally,

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

Shopping for a JOW #955

I was shopping around for some JOW fodder when I realized that many of you are actually shopping for gifts.  That gave some ideas which, when added to some fodder kindly provided by other JOW sufferers, gave me enough ideas to product his set of Jokes of the week.

A man was in the shop looking for a jacket to buy his girlfriend as a present.

He couldn't decide which one to get, so he asked the salesman, "If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, which one would you get?

He said, "A bulletproof one. I'm married."

Another shopping joke
A couple drove their car to the store, only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by, waiting for the mechanic to finish.

Here are some witty observations on signs passed on by Bill:

·         Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.  But catscan.

·         Our mountains are not just funny, they’re hill areas.

·         Turning vegan would be a big missed steak

·         Well, to be Frank I would have to change my name.

·         If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me.  I will.

·         Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

·         My mood ring is missing and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

·         Despite the high cost of living it remains popular

·         I am friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.  I don’t know Y.

·         A steer wandered into a field of pot.  The steaks have never been higher.

·         Crushing cans soda pressing.

·         In search of fresh vegetable puns.  Lettuce know.

·         I’ve been really down lately, but my friend keeps telling me it could always be worse. He says I could be trapped in a hole in the ground filled with water.  I know he means well.

Which reminded me of this one

Q: Why did the blind man fall in a well?
A: He couldn’t see that well.

From Tor:

So I was at the bar last night gettin' smashed and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I shouted, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet"

Then everyone laughed.... well except for this one guy.

Which got me thinking about dumb jokes.  I love ‘dumb’ jokes.  Hell, sometimes I am one. 

McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken Nuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six nuggets.

 (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only  Splenda and sugar)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

One day an intern was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?'

'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Here are a few stupid people euphemisms

Not the brightest crayon in the box
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
Not the fastest horse in the race
Not the sharpest tool in the shed
Not the brightest star in the sky
A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 
Forgot to pay his brain bill. 
If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 
A few beers short of a six-pack. 
Dumber than a box of hair. 
A few peas short of a casserole. 
One taco short of a combination plate. 
Body by Bowflex, brain by Mattel. 
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 
As smart as bait. 
His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. 
The front porch lights on, but there ain’t nobody's home. 
If dumb were dirt, he'd cover about an acre.

And a final shopping joke

The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies. He soon writes home to his father.

Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my  gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed

Promptly, his father writes back. My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train, too.

Name that JOW #954

What’s in a name?  Well, not to be to pedantic or anything, but mostly letters.  A woman made the news when her daughter’s name, Abcde, (pronounced A Bee’ See) was mocked online.  Most of the comments were something like ‘it is wrong to mock someone’s name.  It is also wrong to give your child such a stupid name in the first place.’  Names of people and things are important.  Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.  Here are some name-related jokes for your enjoyment.

Ruth sent me these:

If the person who named walkie talkies named everything…

·         Stamps= Lickie Stickie

·         Defibrillators = Hearty Starty

·         Bumble bees = Fuzzy Buzzy

·         Pregnancy Test = Maybe Baby

·         Bra = Breastie Nestie

·         Fork = Stabby Grabby

·         Socks = Feetie Heatie

·         Hippo = Floatie Bloatie

·         Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

These are from Woody.  Seems appropriate.

 All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.   Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

 After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.   

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

 >>>>>>>>>>>>

There once was a street named Chuck Norris-They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

These have been done to a painful death, but they are so much fun to ping back and forth at cocktail parties.  Not so much when liquor is not involved.

What do you call a man on the top of an oil well?-------DEREK

What do you call a man who shoots down airplanes?------SAM

What do you call man with a seagull on his head? --------CLIFF

What do you call a man who keeps you fit?------JIM

What do you call a woman who manufactures window ledges?---CILLA

What do you call a woman who manufactures precious stones?----GEMMA

What do you call a woman who hires buildings on a long term agreement?-------LISA

What do you call a man who wears clothes made of newspaper?-----RUSSELL

What do you call a man who's swallowed a lump of Anthracite? -------COLIN

what do you call a woman who helps you with the shopping?----CARRIE

What do you call a woman who's always matchmaking?----MARIA

What do you call a woman who's always in court after damages?--SUE

What do you call a man who always wins?-----VICTOR

What do you call a woman who manufactures items for beauty contests?---SASHA

What do you call a man who looks like a duck?----BILL

What do you call a man who has been in a hot tub too long?---- STU

What do you call a man who is framed?------------ART

What do you call a swimmer with no arms or legs?---- BOB

What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the floor?------ MATT

What do you call a blind deer?----- No Eye deer.

What do you call a paralyzed blind deer?------Still no Eye deer?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have long been a fan of The Simpsons.  One of their long-running gags was to have Bart call up Moe’s tavern and have Moe ask for the following people.

I.P. Freely

Ivana Tinkle

Oliver Clothesoff

Homer Sexual

Maya Buttreeks

Ollie Tabooger

Hugh Jass

Anita Bath

Heywood U .Cuddleme

Al Coholic

Amanda Huggenkiss

THE NAMING OF CANADA

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.
"You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this vast forest we're hiking through."
"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."
"Good idea," said the third explorer. "You go first."
"Okay," said the first explorer. "C, ay."
"My turn," said the second explorer. "N, ay."
Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers. Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after the local name for ‘settlement’.

A few actual names of hair salons

·         Hairapist

·         Hair We Are

·         Curl Up and Dye

·         Hairanoi

·         Oooh Girl, who did your hair?

Some random thoughts

·         The weakest part of a car is the nut behind the wheel

·         Adultery is a sin.  You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

·         I had a really tough day.  First my ex got run over by a bus.  Then I got fired from job as a bus driver.

·         Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

·         As a kid did you knock on stranger’s doors and then run away before they could answer?  If so, good news, UPS is hiring.

·         Eat salad they said.  It’s healthy they said.  You know what never gets a food recall?  Cake.

·         I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

·         It used to be only death and taxes.   Now, of course, this is a shipping and handling, too

·         My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

·         Definition of a teenager. God's punishment for enjoying sex

And finally: Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run--anywhere.

People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat supper at 5 PM.

You can live without sex (but not your glasses).

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

And you notice these are all in Bigger Print for your convenience.

Bar none JOW #953

So we have successfully (I hope) passed Thanksgiving… in a manner of speaking.  Now is time to get a running start toward Christmas.  Work becomes a bit more urgent as we know that we only have a couple of weeks to get things done before Christmas takes over.  One nice thing about the days getting shorter: you can start drinking sooner.  Nothing like a nice toddy on a cold winter’s night.  That line of though got me thinking about one of my favorite genres of jokes – the ‘Walks into a Bar’.  I am going to start with a few of them before devolving into a final random few to finish.  Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

++++++++++++

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."

=================

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"
The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"
A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.
The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

----------------

A man walks into a bar with a cheese sandwich under his arm. "A pint of Guinness for me and the cheese sandwich," he says to the barman.
"I'm sorry, sir," replies the barman, "we don't serve food in here."

`````````````

Pat and Willy walked into a bakery.  After a bit they walked out without making any purchases.  Once clear of the store, Pat began laughing hysterically. 

“What’s so funny?” Willy asked.

“I took three pastries from that guy and he never noticed,” Pat replied, showing Willy the pastries in his pocket.  “Pretty clever, huh?”

“I’ll show you clever,” said Willy.  “Come with me.”

He walked back into the bakery with Pat following cautiously.

“Let me show you a fine trick,” Willy said to the baker.  The baker, a large man crossed his arms and looked at him with suspicion.

“Watch carefully,” Willy said.  He then took three pastries, just like the ones that Pat had stolen, and proceeded to gobble them down.  “Now here’s the trick,” Willy said as the baker advanced on him.  Willy made some magical gestures and then announced, “Those three pastries are right there in my friend Pat’s pocket.”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Jimmy Walker, once mayor of New York City, was ill in the hospital and for some medical reason had to be fed through a tube. After a few days he began to feel better and noticed that the nurse was exceptionally cute. The next afternoon when she had finished feeding him, the Mayor said, “Look, tomorrow, bring another tube and we’ll have lunch together.”

And finally, a moral lesson from an uncredited friend.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.  Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.  Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:  Always keep your condoms in your car.

Thanks for the JOW #952

Thursday is Thanksgiving, that special time of year where we, as Americans, give thanks for our manifold blessings.  And we have a lot to be thankful for – for the last three hundred years people in America have had a relatively higher standard of living than the rest of the world.  Even though we, as a people, are so well off that we can make every day a feast, it is still a wonderful thing to be able to assemble with friends and family over a (big) special meal.  I have taken Thanksgiving with Ruth’s family every year for the past 25 years which sort of makes it a family tradition.  My part in that tradition is to be the uncle who eats too much and falls asleep watching the Dallas Cowboys.  I hope all of you have a great Thanksgiving as well.  Here are a few jokes, some of which feature Thanksgiving themes.

--------------------------------

What a wonderful time it is.  Romaine lettuce is not healthy and dark chocolate is.

I always try to put a positive spin on things.  For example if you burn the turkey salmonella won’t be a concern.  You can just tell everyone that it’s Cajun Blackened.  Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.  And you can get to the deserts quicker.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How many turkeys does it take to change a light bulb?  Only one but it takes five hours.

++++++++++++

Time flies. Turkeys don’t.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Young Michael, at true Texan, was sitting in his grandmother's kitchen, watching her prepare the Thanksgiving meal. 'What are you doing?' Michael enquired. 'Oh, I'm just stuffing the turkey,' his grandmother replied. 'Wow, that's cool.' Michael remarked. 'Are you going to hang it next to the deer?' 

Some grade school jokes:

·         If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

·         What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock 

·         Why did the turkey cross the road?  Because it was the chicken’s day off.

·         Knock Knock. Who There? Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving for what? Thanks giving us this turkey.

And one for Mike:

What is the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?

A pirate buries his treasure but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A guy posted on his Face Book status: “Last night I had a little too much to drink and though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and took an Uber.”

Amid the many likes and positive comments was this posting from his best friend.  “Dude, where did you go in that Uber? The party was at your house.”

A leftover Halloween joke:

While walking home an old man took a shortcut through the cemetery.  He saw two girls who came up to him and asked if they could walk with him.  They explained they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night.  The old man agreed and then mischievously grinned and said, “I understand.  I used to get freaked out by things like that too. When I was alive.”

Here are some jokes passed on to me from Bill

·         The weakest part of a car is the nut behind the wheel

·         Adultery is a sin.  You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

·         I had a really tough day.  First my ex got run over by a bus.  Then I got fired from job as a bus driver.

·         Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

·         As a kid did you knock on stranger’s doors and then run away before they could answer?  If so, good news, UPS is hiring.

And finally, a completely off-topic joke:

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe ALL union rules." The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 80 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 57 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"